Breathing easier again- it's the Weekend.

I survived the week, and now it's back to getting other things back on track.

The 'traumatic' book review got squared away (Alleluia!!) with mummy as transcription typist and editor.

I will say this for my son, he has an amazingly good head for remembering facts and stories and information from anything he reads or sees. He had forced himself to read it, and pushed on because of the deadline (painful actually) and actually completed the book - Kidnapped by R L Stevenson. This version is not an easy book for a kid to read(especially one who is not into reading).  One, because it was the adult version and two the language was really classic with scottish slang included. It was an older print. 

He managed to write the synopsis/review himself and while I was clarifying his sentences, he was able to recall the story quite well.. I made a big deal out of it but he wasn't convinced it was that amazing a feat. He's a tough customer, what can I say.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got this very prettily designed award a 'short' time ago from dear Alice always from Wonder land. Alice writes very heart warming poetry among other fascinating topics.  Thank you Alice.
And so it is my lovely task to pass it on to 7 bloggers and list 7 things (stories, thoughts, favourite, peeves etc anything) about yourself.

1) I love staring at the Full Moon especially when its really huge and seems so much closer to us.

2)  When I was young, I always licked the cake bowl clean (of course that was after the mix went into the oven). That was 'yummier' than baked cake.

3) I have this strange neurosis that involves dog-ears on books - I go berserk when I see the poor books being ill-treated.

4) I was once an 'irritating specimen' along with 41 other such specimens. In the last year of secondary school, the teacher in charge of our class always made us do gardening. And we of course like all teenagers always felt that we could be doing more interesting things with our time than THAT.. and so we dawdled and dilly dallied and very little weeds got pulled out. And that's how we earned that name, she would constantly mutter it under her breathe a few times while we walked back to class.

5) I love mushrooms - the eating kind especially button mushrooms.

6) Sometimes in my darkest, deepest moments of frustration,  I wonder if I collected the right babies from the hospital, none of them are like me !

7) I am the TYPING POOL for my children. How is it they are able to spot a new PC game, figure out how to play it instantly and yet have a problem figuring out Powerpoint and Excel. (Preposterous !).

And now to pass this on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Lily 'in her journey to find peace  -  Locating My Life
2. A young poet I recently discovered - Wanderer A Journey called.....
3. Tracy whos seeks  to understand scripture...  http://abundantliving-tracy.blogspot.com/
4. Andrea,  always offering  hope with her scriptures and prayers http://arise2write.blogspot.com/
5. Stephanie http://stephaniebaffone.blogspot.com/, ....a cheerful writer.
6. Amy my favourite drama mama....at http://mamaswithdrama.blogspot.com/
7. J B R - a very strong individual in the face of inner struggles http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/

Endless Work Week - curbing anxieties

I have been a BEEZY bee this week with 2 deadlines back to back so I'm sort of burning the candle at both ends. . . The tension at the office is scary... (what am I doing here.. taking a quick drink ! while the rest go take puffs !)
My son is still at his book, the end(of the book) is near.. I can see it. So that episode will soon be over.  The kids have been getting to bed late too, instead of their usual time because Mummy's late getting home (no I'm NOT upset!).

My endless work week will be over soon, by the end of Friday before I can breathe some again.

I wanted to share something with you
..To keep me going daily, (the ice-cream didn't last too long).. knowing and anticipating everything to happen in this looooong week, I have been either reading or thinking on this little prayer each morning and it has kept me not just going but calm too....  

Do Not Be Anxious

Do not be anxious, said our Lord,

Have peace from day to day-

The lilies neither toil nor spin,

Yet none are clothed as they,

The meadowlark with sweetest song

Fears not for bread or nest

Because he trusts our Father's love

And God knows what is best.

(H S Rice)

A Day in the Life - An Ice Cream a day....

Coit Tower, Cookie Summit... Chocolate Twist... Minty Delight....... guess where I've been.

It's been a tough week all round, I decided I needed a treat myself ....ice-cream.  But of course I couldn't just go by myself and 'not take' the kids. Then again, except for my girl, the boys didn't deserve a treat.

So I decided to get them to work for it throughout all of Saturday in order to get ice cream.

Yup.. ok ...let's call it what it is ...I resorted to the oldest trick in the book .. I tried to bribe the kids to be good. ...   (bad bad mummy .. !!) . Hey, sometimes you just have to forget the rulebook and go with you've got. . ... desperation.

Well it worked.

The youngest boy managed to get all his study work done and actually watched very little TV. The second child, well it gets better. He actually spent more time focusing on getting the reading  done - his very difficult classic tale by R L Stevenson for his book review. That was major progress; not much TV and not much gaming time either.

SO, I didn't have that difficult a time today, less nagging and all,  I actually got more of my tasks done.

Thank God for small mercies and ice-cream.

And I must add,  I just enjoyed a good long laugh after reading one blog spilling onto the other.. .if you need a laugh check out Farila's and Betty's latest post.


Have a good weekend.



                            ........Now what do I do for an encore tomorrow ??

A Day in the Life - Fighting negativity daily..

What goes up must come down. My blog is starting to read like that,  my emotions swinging up then down with each post. That's the result of striving to keep positive and resisting the urge to 'relax' into depression.
Who says a mother's life is fulfilling. Not today. Oh yeah, it certainly is full and filling but not in the positive sense of the expression.  We have to be actors much of the time, we cannot be what we feel like being, we have to put on a happy face when we are not, be cheerful when when we are depressed and  exhibit super powers despite fatigue. We have to be constant role models. (OK I 'm ranting, so sue me!.)

Staying optimistic is getting tougher around my second child . When did he become so extremely negative and pessimistic? (I suppose I can blame his father for it, him and his vile tongue). Much of my time, is spent trying to reroute his defeatist attitude, it takes an enormous amount of energy to overpower his negative comments and statements and to stay patient and positive.  If anything else for the sake of the other two kids, I need to stay positive and keep my spirits up (as much as I feel I want to wallow and stay upset.!).

Since the start of school, I have been getting more and more wound up with this child. He's going to be 13, will he outgrow it soon, I doubt it. And it is affecting  the other two kids. Every task (homework) which involves self-expression, or appears voluminous is a humongous task. The fear seems to overwhelm him. The moment he is faced with such work that 'seems' hard or hits an obstacle, his reaction is an instant depression, 'I cannot' , 'I won't be able to finish it in time'..'I don't know how',  'I 'll just die' even before he has begun. He says there is 'no hope' for him. Yes, he can be quite dramatic without trying.  He can't finish a book to get out his review in time, and yet he will persist in procrastinating and compound his own stress.  Does he realise it,  yes he is aware but cannot take charge of it and does not seem to want to be helped.  The more upset or insistent (getting work done) I get, the more stubborn he becomes.

I came home this evening to the same situation, I know I am loosing(wearing down)! Don't be mistaken, I'm not giving in yet.
I'm telling myself now to stop and review. I need to do something different, change my moves to gain his attention ?  I'm thinking this can't go on, what are my options and his ?  Should I send him for one of those motivational classes for kids or counseling , I'm not sure if it would help but it won't hurt and I won't know if I don't try something.
He has his 'successful' moments but they are rare and few between to help boost his confidence or make a dent in his attitude.

I know...  some miracles take time.

He is like a very uneven boulder that I have to keep pushing up a steep mountain. 
I have taken to praying especially more for this boy; after all who else can I turn to. I hope He will eventually hear me and offer some HELP.

Conquering the Milford Track

In early 1991, before the kids came along, my husband and I went to New Zealand for a holiday. We went with another couple friend of ours. Apart from touring on our own by car, we had decided to do the Milford Track - the unguided walk. I have to admit that my husband and I were ill-prepared for this 'hike'. But somehow I was luckier because I happened to buy shoes just before we set off. 

It was a walk like no other walk I had dreamed of.  We were prepared somewhat for the cold and the snow but not quite for the realty of it.  When we started out, there were few others with us, but we soon fell far behind. It wasn't a race of course.  We had some sort of a well-worn trail (no signs), a general direction to follow; we had to make our own way to the basic shelter stops for each night.  The back pack I was carrying was heavy, we were over-prepared trackers with extra dry food and clothes. On the first day of walking, it was sunny yet cold but still the weight of the backpack took it's toll. I fell head first, face down literally after climbing up a bank.  Thankfully I only cut my lip slightly and tasted some earth. When we got to the first shelter, all we wanted to do was find a bunk and not move ever !. But of course that was not possible.

No room service here, we took turns to prepare food as a couple, can you imagine having ice water to wash up with (no such thing as heaters up there on the track). But then you didn't perspire in those temperatures. Of the lot of walkers I think we were the most creative when it came to food.  We had instant noodles and rice while the rest ate mostly bread, soup and biscuits. You had to walk out the shelter to get to the toilets and wash basins. As we got higher, we had to cross crude rope bridges, cut across shallow streams and even brave the cold rain.  It was quite an adventure, we came across no animals, it was amidst gorgeous scenery and wonderful air.

It was I think the 3th day that we finally reached the mountain top and found ourselves actually dragging our feet through knee-high snow. The picture you see above is a photo of the actual picture taken of us at the top, the two figures in red, my friend and me (standing). Thank goodness the camera did not freeze up.
It was exhilirating, it was magnificent, to see God's beautiful earth in the raw, surrounded by peaks and snow. We were lucky because we had the sun out mostly.

The last day was a little tense because we were afraid of missing the ferry. We had to push ourselves to make good time.  If the ferry left we would have had to camp out in the open to wait til the next day. Now that, we didn't come prepared for.  Of course by then our bags were lighter. My husband's feet were suffering because he had worn the wrong kind of shoes, the rest of us were just tired with bones aching from the exercise.
It was 5 (or 6) days if I recall correctly, we had made it to the end and made it safely back, aching bones and all. It was a feat.

150 and counting

I have hit the 150th post - I am celebrating it....150 posts since I began  7 months ago.

Posting is not that easy, unless you are into writing literally whatever happens daily. Sometimes something happens but mostly I live through each day without anything spectacular happening (unless you count arguments with the kids) for an interesting read or post.

But then blogging  has become more about marking my own signposts; it helps me chart my thoughts, moods, my ups and downs, self- discoveries and marks my own reactions and thoughts to others' posts on their feelings and experiences. There's a little more of 'being me' in each post and I look at myself anew when I re-read the thoughts.  Looking back now, I did begin on the right note with my first post  Brighter side of Life

As I explore my thoughts and awareness grows, I recall more of my past, the memories intrude more often . As I think about them, the bad is especially more apparent, I am not bothered by them so much as that they are a part of who I am, and quite likely played some share in subsequent actions and attitudes of my early twenties.    It does help to recount them in writing.

I realize in Faith too I have come further along than before 2009.

And making new friends along the way.. across the miles has been a blessing.


BM

Some Miracles Take Time

This is the title of a book by Art E Berg and his wife, it tells a story of miracles in love, tragedy and triumph. The main point throughout is that miracles do not happen instantaneously but  take time to grow. 'Patience and faith can compel things to happen that otherwise never would have come to pass'. 

Most often it is our driving need for things to happen with instant results and skepticism that blinds us to them and prevents their(miracles) growth.
It is true there are more miracles today than in any age, we just need to open ourselves up to see them in the most unexpected places and persons.

Interestingly, this past week some of you related such stories.
Every child's growth is unique, every discovery they make is a miracle, if you read these posts you get that, Sandra's post  How are you Unique.  I read Farila's story as one of an open relationship with God that only a child is capable of having - unassuming, unafraid, honest.
You can be a miracle for an elderly person, Marty's post relates a chance meeting,  being more present in the present leads to an experience
Farila's miracle story in Miracles do happen, there are many miracles here that came with faith.

Life is filled with the good and the bad, and it is affirmed over and over that you can't have one without the other. But even through the bad, there are graces to be had. And out of them we will find a path that will lead us to our prize.

A lovely poem by an unknown author
Not 'til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unfold the pattern,
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads were as needful
In the skillful weaver's hand,
As the threads of Gold and Silver
In the pattern that he planned.

Every One has a Purpose

You and I, through our blogs, my friends, your friends, my colleagues, we each are a beacon, a lighthouse for each other. I can see a way clear for you as you can see a way for me. Some are intentional and some are accidental in directing us. We need others, they need us - be they family or strangers or friends.

As the saying holds true, we cannot see the forest for the trees, when we are lost deep in our jungle, despite our own rational sense, we cannot see our way out except with the help of a guide - be it in the form of a higher power or more often than not, other individual persons. We need others.

Strangely when someone else is in the same position as ourselves, we can offer some consolation, advise. But we cannot see it for our own selves. It's easier to give advise then to follow.  We need others.
When lighting another's way, some of that light is shed on my own path and I learn too.

No one is perfect. Not just love, but anger too is a natural part and parcel of our emotions, it lies dormant in us mostly, but the little aggravations that we face each time with minor conflicts and arguments with persons around us, lets us diffuse it gradually or in outbursts.  If our life was too calm and smooth, how would we release that, like all forms of pressure it must soon find  release and restlessness sets in. So non-congruent persons have a purpose too.

And so it goes on, the chain within the cycle of life, we move forward by affecting each other, we change, we think and move each other - in thoughts or actions. Every living being has a place and purpose. Each is a link that joins with another or forever breaks it. And then too, that break serves a purpose, to re-direct our course or to strengthen our path. A death we lament with memories and new life brings fresh thoughts, all touching us to lead us onto different paths.

We need others to lead fulfilling lives.

Who will I affect today ?

Reading 'Emma'

I've been reading Emma and taking a long time too. Jane Austen certainly knows her characters. While Emma is sensible and very conscious of others' thoughts and feelings, she seems to have totally overlooked her own self awareness, her own feelings.  And thank goodness she did not give away her desired partner out of her own goodness before she came to the realization.
But Emma is not perfect either, she tends to get caught up in her own web and strays from objectivity until it is too late.

Women today have not changed overly much in our innate characters, have we?

Sunday Solitude - Advice on how to Live life.

I finally found some time to sit and read this night.  Once more,  some of the peace and calm I had lost,  returns.

A good piece of advice for me, I found in the passages(St Paul's) I have just read, I who am not able to let go of the past; and a reminder to live without worry.
Tomorrow is a new day, the beginning of a new week, there will be new opportunities for new graces.

" I can only say that forgetting all that lies behind me and straining forward to what lies in front, I am racing towards the finishing-point to win the prize of God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus.. So this is the way in which all of us who are mature should be thinking, and if you are still thinking differently in any way, then God has yet to make this matter clear to you. Meanwhile, let us go forward from the point we have each attained"  Phil 3: 13-16.

Among the last words in these letters Paul says
" Always be joyful, then , in the Lord:.. Let your good sense be obvious to everybody. .. Never worry about anything; but tell God all your desires of every kind in prayer and petition shot through with gratitude, and the peace of God which is beyond our understanding will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus."
Phil 4: 4-7

A Day in the Life .....Busy busy ..done and to do...

This past week has been a hectic one at work. My PC kept restarting on me right in the middle of typing and the office decided they would switch it to one of the newer ones since it was obviously TIME. So in between waiting for restarts, loosing bits of data and conversion I still had deadlines to keep and tasks to get done.

Fortunately the damage was minimal because my data was already backed up or I would be crying over that. Amazing that we can't live without the computer in the office.
I have so missed my bible reading some too because of the late tired nights

This is the weekend.

I keep thinking that I need to start on it but I haven't done my assignment yet.

There was a PT meeting in the youngest boy's school. I took care of that and then ran some minor errands. Just after lunch I got to it, no not the assignment. 

The thought had been nagging me for a while about cleaning out the children's room. It was way overdue. Everyday I would come back from work to see the state of their room (piles of school books and papers old and new)  and I tell myself I have to do it myself. Their tidying efforts weren't cutting it. 

And today I did it.  It felt great to throw out a lot of unwanted stuff..old books and tonnes of old used papers, broken toys, old stationery... and clear out the drawers and organise them between non-school and school stuff. 
It felt good to see space.  Cleaning is Therapeutic.

I had to fight with my girl to clean out her place, she refused to let me touch them. I knew why of course. So many posters!  I managed to do one of the smaller cabinets with her art and craft stuff but not quite the writing desk. Have you ever tried cleaning off wax jell from the base of a drawer?  She said she would clean the desk. Well I checked, it was a little tidier but not fully to my satisfaction.  I will probably have to take a look at her wardrobe soon. She is not the most organised person.

Tomorrow is church day and marketing day, the fridge is almost bare, I will have to stock up extra too, since the double holidays are up soon. The Chinese New Year means the shops would be closed longer that usual.

 

The assignment will have to wait til then.

Happy endings & Roses

Below is one of my favourite poems by George Eliot, her dream in the 19th century still works for me today.

If I went by writer's names, I would have totally bypassed this piece all together because the first book I read by George Eliot during my school days was 'The Mill on The Floss'.  It was such a sad story (depressing too, the story of a young girl) it left quite an impression, I never picked up another book by her.  

I don't like sad endings I confess - be it book or movie..probably life too.   I try to avoid them (can't do that in life though !). Strangely, now that I think back on it,  I did quite a few of those tragedies in school like King Lear, Coriolanus, Wuthering Heights, Things Fall Apart (except for Midsummer Night's Dream) few more...were they trying to depress us (late teens) out of Literature !!  ......that's enough of that.. let's move on to peaceful images..

You love the roses - so do I. I wish

The sky would rain down roses, as they rain

From off the shaken bush. Why will it not?

Then all the valley would be pink and white

And soft to tread on. They would fall as light

As feathers, smelling sweet; and it would be

Like sleeping and like waking, all at once!

(Roses by G Eliot)

Lighter

A superb idea to let the memories spill,
what was so present and frequently intrusive
now seems inconsequential and quite dismissive.

Endeavour more to free me now
to strengthen mind and spirit,
as baggage unloads to exit.

I shall pursue this freeing exercise,
a difference I feel, it does liberate.
My heart shall be lighter, I anticipate. 
(- HA)

My Childhood memories

Self -awareness/ self-counseling.

All who have had a bad childhood, please raise your hands.

I would not say I had a bad childhood,  I think I had an 'ok' childhood, quite normal for those times. My main source of anxiety in my growing up years stemmed from my mother's differential treatment of my sister and myself. I have not attached importance to it (I try to downplay them) but as Freud and Erikson have endorsed,  bad things that happened in childhood does affect your life and thoughts in the future. In this now, it is mostly what NOT to do with my own children.

I am the middle child, neither the 'youngest' child nor the 'oldest' child, not the only girl but the 'older girl'. These are labels that my mother seemed to attach different values to according to her old-fashioned upbringing. My sister was the pet and favourite and forever  'too young'  even when she was in her twenties, my brother well he was 'a boy', the oldest and so for those 'valid' reasons I had to carry the weight of more chores and be more responsible.
So perhaps that was why I felt that I needed to study harder (buried myself in school and study where I could)  to gain approval, to prove myself and kept quiet without rebelling. My sister was allowed to keep short hair from an early age while I was not allowed to cut it until I was 16 (I'll keep that hair story for another time). As a consequence, my sister was bolder, asked for anything she wanted, I was timid and did not ask for things, I was concerned with budgeting, which somehow my mother always impressed upon me. Mixed into all that of course there were feelings of inferiority that did colour my early years of interaction..[self-conscious]). 
The one thing that worked in my favour, was that I was the only one to get to the University, ... that got approval.

Lately I have been reminded of these memories because of my words/actions with my kids. I have said to my girl a few times she is lucky that her mother (me) is not like my mother. My girl like most teens does not seem to appreciate that she has so much more and seems to take some things for granted.  I get irritated when the kids seem self-absorbed and are unable to see beyond their own needs,  that you cannot have everything you want.   But then, the kids themselves have their share of horrid memories to carry with them, so therefore I have to find a balance but not over-compensate.

I am not distressed by these early memories, I have overcome them is many ways,  I am a different person from what I used to be, I have grown into my own so to speak. I am less bothered by the things my mother says these days than the fact that she still thinks along the old-fashioned vein. Old habits die hard. I have come to terms with her as she is. [My mother].

In the past few months I realise too that I have been subtly raising these issues through reminders with my mom in incidental situations but she merely brushes it aside 'so long ago ....really.. ..don't remember'.  What am I trying to do, I have no idea - hoping for a realization,  purple heart, compensation, to blame her for my present situation.?  No, I don't want to cause her any grief.

Why am I telling my story, perhaps it is to effect a catharsis for myself or perhaps I wish to raise the awareness that stereotyping, favoritism is not right. Such thinking still exists today. 

I can leave well enough alone, but I think I still have to let it out somehow to let it go, bring those nagging thoughts to the forefront.  (..dissolve them or expel them ?).

What I do know, is that a child is capable of seeing, hearing and feeling that some things are not right but may not understand or express them.  Unless they verbalize it, they will never know but keep it within.

To what purpose ?

Yesterday I read about Wanda who lost her son and I wandered what is God's purpose for those who knew Chris and loved him.

I posted this prayer button a while back. A young lady I knew learnt that the child she was carrying had  Edwards Syndrome. She was too far into term when discovered, they were confused and sad but continued on, prepared for his coming. What could the rest of us do but pray for the best, the infant, their strength and God's will.

Today, I attended the wake of this child, he was named Jeremiah, 8 months in his mother's care, a tiny life that never saw the light of day but will see the light of heaven. I never knew this little life and yet I feel extreme sorrow for his struggle to survive with this disease.

As his father says very calmly,  for the living, it is a test of faith.

A temporary soul.

I was Tagged, now you are Tagged..

I was tagged by Farila http://chaptersfrommylife.blogspot.com/, so here goes...

Shows I like to watch

rarely when I do get the time to plonk down in front of the set it would be for ..

- The Mentalist

- CSI

(the following are not listed in any order or preference)

8 things I look forward to

- the next coming holidays (in Feb)

- finishing my semester's assignment
- the moment the kids tell me they have finished all their homework.
- singing in Church
- taking walks on the weekends
- the next novel
- quiet time before bed
- upgrading my pc at the office (before I loose all my emails AGAIN)

8 things that happened yesterday (of course this was a few yesterdays ago)
- the flu came to visit me
- my son spilled his drink onto the floor(dropped the cup and all)
- the computer in the office hung on me
- it rained cats and dogs
- I finished reading my daughter's book 'Twilight'

- my MP3 ran out of juice in the middle of Celine's 'I'm Alive' (a sign?)

- I threw away a container of biscuits that had grown mouldy
- the road in front of my house got a new black coat of tar on one half.

8 things I love about winter
- it's certainly more interesting than the monsoon rain
- the landscape would be perfectly white
- I would get to wear winter furry clothing, boots and gloves

- COLD

- I imagine a cozy fireplace with a fire going
- snowball fights
- sleigh rides or sliding on cartboxes
- watching snowflakes fall outside your window

8 things on my wish list
- my kids will turn out well and do well in the future

- that there's enough food for everyone in the world

- a car
- the kids will leave me at least one chocolate mini-bar and not just the empty packet
- I will age gracefully
- a cure for all the terrible diseases
- my home loan would be paid off today
- I get a pay rise soon

8 things I am passionate about

- reading

- my kids

- chocolate

- my hobby craft

- speaking properly

- learning

- punctuality

- deepening my understanding of God

8 phrases I use often
- oh goodness
- well that's super
- 'wait til I win the lottery'
- crap!
- what goes around comes around
- tomorrow never comes
- who says life is fair..
- don't procrastinate


8 things I have learned from the past (not copied from anywhere.. genuinely learnt lessons )
- It's best to rely on yourself and no one else
- Keep up with your friends, don't expect them to always keep up with you.
- Your boss is not your friend, don't ever get taken in.

- You have to make an effort to reach out because people don't always read you correctly.

- My parents are not perfect, they are human and they are products of their time.

- Give freely because you want to, not because you expect to get back the same in return,  that way you are never disappointed.

- If you have no regard or respect for a certain person, then how he/she thinks or what they say of you should be of no consequence, their words would merely be noise in the wind and should not bother you in the least.

- You cannot please everyone. Ask yourself who is most important.

8 places I want to visit

- Rome

- London

- Turkey

- Scotland

- India

- Israel

- France

- Switzerland

8 things I want/ need

- love

- hugs

- more 'me' time

- a car

- more time to get things done(like 6 more hours a day)

- I'd really like to have a peaceful night's rest

- a clone of me to stay home with the kids

- peace of mind

8 bloggers I would like to tag

Gaia http://journeyofasinglemum.blogspot.com/

Tracy http://abundantliving-tracy.blogspot.com/

Amy http://mamaswithdrama.blogspot.com/

JBR http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/

Stephanie http://stephaniebaffone.blogspot.com/

Sarah http://cultofdeception.blogspot.com/

Kathleen http://kathleenannemartin.blogspot.com/

Sandra http://reallifeinaminute.blogspot.com/

(oh and don't forget to alert your Tagee !!)

I hope you have as much fun as I had digging these out of myself.!

Random thoughts from stories of old England

I have a thing for old English novels, stories, movies revolving around old England especially late 18th and early 19th Century.  There's something fresh and innocent in the way that young ladies and children are characterized, portrayed in the old English countryside and the way conversations are created.  And romance ah, well, they don't make them like they use too. (lol).
I could not appreciate the novels until my late 20s, when the unfolding of the story becomes less compelling than the imagery, beautiful descriptions, the formal and the flowery language.

And sometimes wisdom comes through in the most unexpected moments.
In this book I am currently reading by Isak Dinesan (Karen Blixen) 'The Angelic Avengers' one of the young ladies(Zosine) says this to her friend(Lucan) who claims she has no imagination and therefore would not experience adventure.
"But perhaps that is just the way of the world .. and destiny will lose her interest in those people who are themselves capable of inventing things. She will leave them to have things happen to them within their own imagination. But with you she will take trouble to contrive the most extraordinary events."

It sounds like - take charge of your life or she(Destiny) will do it for you.
Now that is an interesting thought, a scary thought .. what is destiny's definition of 'extraordinary events' I wonder.

Here's another interesting prose about being Loved  .." The beauty of nature, music, poetry and art are all inextricably bound up with the idea of love. The woman who has denied love, she had then dimly guessed, will no longer dare to learn a poem by heart, to listen to a song, to pick the wild flowers of the woods, or the roses of her garden. Now, in pain and ecstasy, she knew for certain that the magic kingdom of beauty, sweetness and poetry in this world is open to the lovers as to its lawful heirs.".....  
If that is true, at least we do come out of it with more.

Telling My Story

This is my journal

about my unique little life.

It gets quite personal

because it's about my strife.

It is alright, that you know

I am not unlike you,

but I have my own woes,

and my path winds too.

It is my desire to share,

a story that unfolds gradually,

so you know not all life is fair,

and might appreciate greatly

that which you now have,

is truly special from above.

Always, it comes full circle,

seasons of calm then storms unfurl.

A sweet memory, an unforeseen smile

I may bring you for your musing,

melancholy to dissipate not to pile,

then return once more to the beginning.

There are times when I digress

into God or faith and pray,

exploring ways out of unrest,

seeking which is the way.

If you do hear,  lift my heart with a comment

for I am always uncertain.

But only if you can comprehend

then my soul shall be less burdened.

(HA)

Seeking Wisdom which brings Contentment....

The answer seems to be 'carry on with life, it's not my time to do anything yet'.

Seeking a miracle solution from The Book, there is none. They are work-at-it solutions.
There is hope for contentment in this life, without waiting for it in death. It appears that what we constantly seek can be gotten quite easily,  the incentives are wonderful and yet so very difficult in the doing.
Does contentment lead to acceptance or does acceptance lead to contentment?
Does this call for blind faith, to believe I am treading on the right path?  
How do I lay aside my own perception to trust Him 'wholeheartedly'. Do I stop thinking altogether each time I make a choice or decision.?
Not so easy to do - to think of Him in all things we do.

"Trust wholeheartedly in God

put no faith in your own perception;

acknowledge him in every course you take

and he will see that your paths are smooth."

And once we discover wisdom, it will

 ... "all lead to contentment.

... give life to your soul

and beauty to your neck.

You will go on your way in safety,

your feet will not stumble..

... you will not be afraid

.. sleep will be sweet"       
(Prv 3:5-6,17 22-24)..

Being Positive is Not the same as not being Negative

I dislike wet blankets. I try not to be one myself but I suppose I can't avoid being caught in the rain like everyone else........

 
The effect of being positive is not the same as not having negative thoughts.

I have come to a point of awareness where I am able to pull myself back from the brink of bleak moods, to minimise negative thoughts. I essentially 'talk' myself out of it or remind myself 'for the sake of the kids'. 

But putting positive thoughts into motion is more difficult.

Being positive, feels like putting yourself into gear for forward momentum, an anticipation that should lead you to greater engagement.

Preventing or putting off negative thoughts feels more like putting the gears into neutral, holding back but not quite daring to take a different step.

Anyway, being totally composed all the time is impossible, I think we need moments to allow ourself to cry or scream.

I did that on Sunday, it felt good.

Lost in thought - just a date?

I don't have all my answers yet.
This month is the month of my wedding anniversary. I don't think much of it because as far as I am concerned the marriage has been over over for a few years now(perhaps longer if I want to analyse it) and yet.
What am I, neither divorced or married in the sense of the word just very definitely a single mother.
In church when the blessing was given to all who were celebrating their anniversary this month, I did not stand up. While the priest gave his blessing, I felt like crying.  Should I have stood up?  What would I be celebrating?  What does God say ?  I got no answer.

I can't not think of it because I am reminded by my family.  They are merely thinking of it in the usual way. I try not to think of it because I don't know what to think of it.

What does it really represent? 

A commitment that created three little lives, three new hearts and minds with their own expressions and experiences.

I suppose like many things, I need to come to terms with it, rationalise what to do with this date, because it will come again each year until  it no longer means anything to anyone. 

Instead of 'anniversary', I could call it something else.

Why should I celebrate it or remember it ? 

It's more than just a date.. it's the reason for my three little hearts.

Hope and a New plan - Bible thoughts

I think God does experiment (Reflections) with us, because he wants what is best for us. But still, he gave us free will.
As  Helen S Rice wisely puts it...
'... whenever we are troubled and when everything goes wrong,  It is just God working in us to make our spirits strong".

My bedtime prayers have turned towards reflections of late, here's one of them that's been going through my head.

When I read the old testament stories, I feel envious of the early people of God.  They were so very blessed to have God literally manifest himself in so many ways. God showed himself, showed his works, made himself heard and showed his mercy so often to these people - of and on he sent destruction upon those who did not obey,  destroyed cities and spared those who deserved it. The bible continues on with death and mercy, warnings, threats then mercy, of prophets pleading with the people, of holy men and prophets who failed God too because they were merely human, of people not heeding the warnings ..throughout the years before Christ.

It's as if God kept on trying to control and direct his people (to save them) to gain their obedience through the generations but STILL could not.  Are we as stubborn as the early people of Israel?  Would we behave the same way, if God decided to manifest himself the same way today?. Would He be disappointed too?

Thus finally I believe, He decided on a New and different plan to keep us true to himself. The onus now falls upon ourselves to follow by the example of one Man.
The Good News as the New Testament is called,  is really that,  there's a feeling of Hope when you read these new Chapters after reading the Old.

Having extra weight on your behind, big hips and solid thighs "is good for you"

This headline cheered me up some.... and Alice's poem  "I Remember When" made my day today..


Here's the news story ........with some interesting information....
http://www.asiaone.com/Health/News/Story/A1Story20100113-191580.html
Wed, Jan 13, 2010   AFP
LONDON - Having extra weight on your behind, big hips and solid thighs "is good for you", British researchers said on Tuesday.
Carrying fat on the hips, thighs and behind, rather than around the waist, has a range of health benefits and actively protects against diabetes and heart disease, experts at Oxford University said.
"Fat around the hips and thighs is good for you but around the tummy is bad," said Dr Konstantinos Manolopoulos, one of three scientists behind the research, which was published in the International Journal of Obesity.
A big bottom is much better than carrying fat around the waist, which tends to release more harmful fatty acids into the body, the research shows.
Belly fat also releases molecules called cytokines which trigger inflammation - raising the risk of diabetes and heart disease.
But fat carried on the thighs traps these harmful fatty acids and stops them from latching on to the liver and muscles and causing a range of health problems, including insulin resistance.
Although fat around the thighs and backside tends to burn slower and be harder to shift, it can release beneficial hormones which protect the arteries and help blood sugar control, the research showed.
"The idea that body fat distribution is important to health has been known for some time," said Manolopoulos, who is a researcher at the Oxford Centre for Diabetes, Endocrinology and Metabolism (OCDEM).
"However is it only very recently that thigh fat and a larger hip circumference have been shown to promote health, that lower body fat is protective by itself."
It is shape that matters - and as far as health is concerned, being 'pear-shaped' is preferable to being 'apple-shaped'.
In an ideal world, the more fat around the thighs the better, providing the stomach stays slim, Manolopoulos said.
"Unfortunately, you tend not to get one without the other," he said.
Unfortunately !

See even fat has its' uses. :)

A day in the Life ....my cup runneth over.....

I'm still in the doldrums, I 've figured out what's bothering me...(besides the eostrogen problem).
These days I am bogged down with work. I think and think of the need to do lots more but  just haven't the time or the energy. I could use another 5 hrs in the day I think.
My children need me,  all three of them but there's only one of me. This bothers me

Dad helps but I think he needs to be a grandfather more than study tutor to them. This bothers me.

My oldest is stressed by school, but I can't really help there because much depends on her own efforts and methods. I can only keep encouraging her and not add to her stress.

I need to curb the 2 boys from their computer games, so I'm going to unplug the machine. They'll probably hate me for a few days or more or until they figure where I've hidden the cable.
I'll have to do more to keep tabs on their activities from the office.

The madman of the house is away for work more often so that helps reduce everyone's stress levels.

And then, there is this course which I have taken up, it's once a week but still(homework and reading) ...it is meant to be a  back up .. you never know which way this industry will turn or turn on us,.. should I postpone it (I kept postponing it ). This bothers me.

Stress wise I think I am coping, I ain't giving in, but coffee only goes so far.
 
Christmas tree needs to come down soon like yesterday!

Dad is worried about me, I tell him I'm fine.
But I worry about him too.

It's just another phase I'll survive this.

I should pray, but when I pray I come up with more questions about God and his presence (or lack of it ). I just want to believe he is there, I don't want to think about it. 
Sometimes it's just easier to pray for others than my own.

Silent drama on board.....A day in the life

Encountering rude impatient people at the train station is nothing new but every now and again something a little more 'entertaining' occurs!
This happened on one of the mornings as I travelled to work.

The train comes, as usual it is filled to the door , some patiently wait for the few to alight and of course there are a few impatient ones who will just shoot in while people are attempting to get out. 
Finally I get in, luckily, there is some space near the door, as I step in I am suddenly thrust forward into the people standing in front of me, I apologise feeling ‘bloody irritated’ and turn around to see who or what came through behind me.  Few others were similarly affected too.
‘A pair of morons’ I thought very angrily (pardon the language) – a young couple( girl and big guy) stood hand in hand facing the door continuing some conversation, oblivious to the hard stares at the back of their heads. I just kept staring as if my irritation might be able to seep through their thick skulls if I stared hard enough, I wanted to look at their faces. Just so they could see my displeasure.

There was a lady standing just alongside them, and she stood her ground through the next 2 stops, not budging from her spot even as people went out or came in. The rude couple still stood side by side at the front.  I thought to myself  'rarely do you see good in people on the subway'.

None too soon .. 'one good turn deserves another', I wickedly thought...
At the third station, there was a surge of people and the girl got ‘rudely’ pushed in by like-rude people and the boyfriend could not move backwards to her side because the lady moved back some and refused to budge to give way to him, she stood her ground and merely looked forward, ignoring him. He was very disgruntled, muttered something under his breathe, stared at the lady and then stared at persons who pushed his girlfriend in.
I had a smile on my face by then, as I watched him. As the big guy turned to look at the commuters,  I got to see his face and he saw mine.
I find it amazing that some people have no awareness of their own behaviour eventhough they are capable of recognising inconsiderate behaviour.

Seeking

Why do I look out the window
when all I seek is here in my heart;
only now with less sorrow.

I feel lonely today, a little downcast
my heart seeks warmth,
my mind wonders the past.

Seeking friends of old times,
girlhood giggles and smiles,
of music and rhymes.

In the distance, church bells toll,
I return from reverie,
little arms around me, lovingly fold.

With love of a family 
and friends aplenty,
I strive to be happy.

Still, I seek what escapes always,
wisdom that enlightens, fortitude to march 
and peace that touches like the sun's rays.

(HA - 2010)

You Can't always have Everything !

Is it possible to have everything you want and be happy ?
I think life is what we make of it BUT God keeps the balance.

The kids constantly lament about unimportant things like why 'I didn't get' perfect eyesight or perfect teeth, 'why didn't God give me more brains, why do I have to study harder than others, why didn't i get straight hair, why they weren't born rich etc etc etc '.

It is difficult for the kids to comprehend when I say that God is always fair or Life is always fair and  'you can't have everything' .  It's difficult for them to get out of the narrow view where they can only see their personal imperfection without being able to look at the many more good things about themselves by comparison.

It's also tough getting them to pay serious attention to the idea that God knows us and sees all,  there is no hiding from him; and we don't always get what we ask for. The question I put back to them - 'do you deserve it' and 'is it good for you'.

------------------------------------
There are many situations when I forget and think too, that others are luckier than me. But I am constantly reminded that nothing stays perfect' and we are given our moments.

I used to think if you have 1 child and that child is perfect, what more could one ask for. You pour all your resources into one lucky child and it pays off well, isn’t that great ?  BUT then I know that no life is perfect and it is forever changing.  
One of my close friends has a son (1 child only by choice), he went to a good school, went abroad to study, came back found a job. BUT my friend recently complained to me ‘he does not want to settle down, he's always out ‘.   I said 'you can’t always have everything !' and she said 'we can only hope', I had to agree.
Ok so maybe I wanted to say GOD is fair !.

Jer 17: 9
" The heart is more devious than any other thing, and is depraved; who can pierce its secrets?
I, Yahweh, search the heart, test the motives, to give each person what his conduct and his actions deserve"

Sticky about grammar

Grammar stickie...

I am a stickler for grammar. No, I'm not a perfect English major or anything like that, I'm just fussy about speaking right and writing right!. I don't always know all the words but I try. 

Here in Singapore, we have a concoction of local vernacular words/ expressions mixed in with English - to become Singlish... (la, oi, eh ...ah.. makan (eat), kopi (coffee)).

I use it often enough but I am conscious of who and when I use it with, and always in informal, casual situations with familiar people.  After all there are very few habits or characteristics that we as locals can actually call our own, 
We are mostly descendants, some 3-4 generations ago originally from China, India or neighbour, Malaysia. My current generation is proud of who we are here, eventhough they are not really open about it as in waving flags and singing the anthem; but it exists and surfaces when talking points arise over national reps and sportmen. 
While I am proud of the Singlish in a 'nationalistic' sense,  I firmly believe it should not become more than that, an informal attribute and expression among locals.

But speaking properly should be a must have for oneself and for communication to the outside world.

Moving forward, making plans.

The season is almost over, it's been eating and eating and merry making mostly at one house after another. The presents have all been given out except for a couple of delayed meets. Dieting begins tomorrow I hope !!.

The school holidays will be over soon and the kids will be preparing to go back to school. (The kids are groaning, but I am glad!). Kids have so many different distractions today and yet they get bored SO fast. I will be glad to get back to the 'quieter'  'less chaotic' business of living.

I hope that the economy will pick up in 2010, and morale will generally pick up after the rather gloomy old year.
My resolve for 2010 is to pray and listen more on the spiritual front.  Even the three wise men followed the Star, (the light), they didn't try to figure it out through their own wealth of knowledge. There are many lessons in the nativity story.
The family PROBLEM is still present but I believe I have done what I can, shall leave it in God's hands for now until there is a sign.
On the kids front, I intend to work with my middle child and help him moderate his negative characteristics.
On the personal front, well I have already begun with a new course for personal enrichment, that should keep me busy PLENTY.

Looking forward to a better, positive year in 2010.