Thinking about Forgiving, not the Forgetting

"Evil can be undone, but it cannot develop into good. Time does not heal it." C S Lewis
In Lewis interpretation, you have to go back to the beginning and do it all over again to see the error of your ways.

One of the things to do to be at peace is to forgive.
Could my ex have been saved, converted, changed ?

I kept thinking about that and then recently I heard a homily about how we should pray. In summary, the implication was leave it in God's hands, ask for help for a person or with a situation when you pray BUT don't direct God.

And so I thought of my situation, I didn't direct God, I asked for help to solve the unrest and distress.
And the answer as it had unfolded gives me my answer to my question.
If it could be done, it would have come to pass and so the answer I believe is no.

God intervenes when we need him and when it's beyond our control but not when we can do it our self, be it easy or hard. We need to know when to give up and when to persevere.

-Reviewing
My children are older, not necessarily wiser. Now I worry if one of my sons is turning into a replica of is father. ..a question of nature of nurture.  Awareness is not enough.
Praying and trusting in God is all have. I don't intend to live that way again.
May God have mercy.

Sunday Solitude: how to do his will

Be still, and in quiet we will find the answers 

Isaiah 30 .... ¹⁵ This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
   “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength,.."  

Be patient


 ¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him!

Sunday Solitude: message for the weary soul...

A pertinent reminder indeed in the Gospel reading today, for me .... ...

'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden , and I will give you rest . Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'   
(Matthew 11: 28-30).

Sunday Solitude: clearing the cobwebs

Do I sound angry ? Yes I do, I am. I can't think clearly when I feel threatened.

As I sat in church today, and it being Pentecost I thought what is stopping the spirit from entering, from taking over and therefore setting me free.

I believe, I mouth the words in prayer, I ask for it, I want to leave it all in HIS hands and yet I suppose my 'windows' are not open to receive anything, that is my heart and the right parts of my mind.  What is the baggage cluttering up the way?

Why do I not let it all go and leave it to HIM.   'We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love him. -Rom 8-28 '

It is worry about the kids and their feelings, more than anything else.

When I am not thinking about the kids, but that I can finally move forward, these are the moments of lightness, a minute of peace-like feeling, a weightlessness.
Yet I cannot hold on to it longer.
Because I cannot stop worrying about the kids.
What does it mean?
That I do not have sufficient faith in God to look after the kids. Does this mean I attribute my X with more power?
That is ridiculous!
Time to clear the cobwebs in my brain and clear the clutter.

I have to let the system work but I must trust HIM still, in this.

We are not Perfect

Why do I feel the need to defend my imperfections ?
We cannot be perfect in whatever we have chosen to do. But we can work hard at it and perform the best we can be. So why worry over what you are not doing right.  Instead, worry how you could do better.

In reading C S Lewis' Screwtape letters, I come to understand a little more about the purpose of our creator.
To fulfill our purpose on earth, we need to make ourselves worthy.
To make ourselves worthy, we need to forget our self.
By forgetting our self, we strive for others and improving their lot.

Truth and honesty is at the basis for all things we do. To others, to ourselves, to God.
What is our motive? Is it self-serving or God-serving? Sometimes the answer may not be so simple or to our liking but it comes down to that fact that we are not perfect and of course, God knows this.

We have weaknesses and our self-consciousness and selfishness keep us from freeing our thoughts totally when speaking to God.
Our temptation is drawn from our inner most wants and 
in Screwtape's(devil) words of instruction to his demon nephew-in-training....
"The simplest is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves. Keep them watching their own minds and trying to produce feelings there by the action of their own wills. When they meant to ask Him for charity, let them, instead, start trying to manufacture charitable feelings for themselves and not notice that this is what they are doing. When they meant to pray for courage, let them really be trying to feel brave. When they say they are praying for forgiveness, let them be trying to feel forgiven. Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling; and never let them suspect how much success or failure of that kind depends on whether they are well or ill, fresh or tired, at the moment."

I am not perfect. Accept it. 

Staying sane (random thoughts)

Is God always testing us, when do we graduate ?

One cannot be a counselor to one's own children. Our job is to love them unconditionally and get angry conditionally.

I find comfort in the psalms than some of  the usual prayers these days, they help me to let go, and still pray. "Show me the path I should walk' is what I have repeatedly asked for these past ten years and more.
The anger builds and ebbs and churns and then empties and it wavers with the children's moods. 

Lord, hear my prayer; in your faithfulness listen to my pleading; answer me in your justice.

Do not enter into judgment with your servant; before you no living being can be just.

The enemy has pursued me; they have crushed my life to the ground.

They have left me in darkness like those long dead.

My spirit is faint within me; my heart is dismayed.

I remember the days of old; I ponder all your deeds; the works of your hands I recall.

I stretch out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.

Hasten to answer me, Lord; for my spirit fails me.

Do not hide your face from me, lest I become like those descending to the pit.

At dawn let me hear of your kindness, for in you I trust.

Show me the path I should walk, for to you I entrust my life.

Rescue me, Lord, from my foes, for in you I hope.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.

May your kind spirit guide me on ground that is level.

For your name's sake, Lord, give me life; in your justice lead me out of distress.

In your kindness put an end to my foes; destroy all who attack me, for I am your servant.
- Psalm 143

My first Blogging Christmas

This year I enjoy an ADDITIONAL wonderful and different experience for Christmas, because it is my FIRST blogging Christmas. It has been an interesting journey because for the first time I share it with many more beautiful individuals across the globe who are/ have shared their thoughts and expressions for the season.  

It has added to my awareness and made me appreciate more of what this time of the year means from different perspectives for different lives, how they celebrate it, their favourite recipes,  what they think of it, how it depresses some,  how simple and beautiful it can be and how it provokes giving and sharing for many.

This is a BLESSED medium too that enables interaction for lots of lonely people in this world and by reading between the lines you will discover them. Comments do more than you realize in many instances. There is a lot of love and prayers being passed on and that is a marvel and a joy to behold.

May the good Lord bless you for your sharing.
May God spread his peace and grant you all his special blessings this season and in the coming New Year.
May He continue to bless our blogs and guide our minds and hearts as we circulate, meet and reach out to others through our posts. May those who are lonely where ever they are,  find a blessed hand to reach out to touch them.

Love and hugs to all.

A Blessed Christmas and a Joyous New Year to you

Gentle reminder - HAVE NO FEAR

I had an earlier post in which I was ranting and feeling sorry for myself etc etc but decided I couldn't post it for young prying eyes.

I've been trying to ignore it by pretending it's not there hovering, so that I can regain my hold...but it just won't go away.
Fear seems to be my worst enemy. Life goes on and I think I am in control but it creeps up time and time again even when I think I have shoved it out the door. Courage where are you?
Have I ever revealed that by the Chinese zodiac calendar, I am a rabbit and my husband a tiger - I have always thought of myself as the sitting rabbit (like a 'sitting duck' if you guess my meaning), but on the other hand on the astro chart I am Leo the lion.. I hope the latter wins out.

I keep reminding myself, keep the faith, sometimes I do and sometimes it's difficult when anxiety comes along.   Then I think back to inner struggles, on all that has been accomplished and all that has passed and try to find my courage again so that I can face the new challenges that are about to come along. There are just some things I must do by myself .

Believe! .. let it go and leave it at HIS feet.. I will persevere.
My favourite prayer of late, still it's like I'm clinging to a vine so desperately tight before a thousand foot drop and only I know I am there :-

My Lord God

I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that

I think that I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you

does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire

in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything

apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this,

you will lead me by the right road

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost

and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me

and you will never leave me

to face my perils alone.
[The Road Ahead by Thomas Merton]

A Prayer

I will bounce back again,
tomorrow is another day.
Today I am tired.
I am confused, what do I do next?
I am waiting on my children
to show me the way.
I will not force their way
until they are sure.
He is wearing me down.
Please show me the way, Lord,
if this is not the right one.
Help me to persevere.

Sunday Solitude

A relatively peaceful day, today I don't want to ask for more, or think that life could be better or remind God of his to-do list for us, just gratitude and thanksgiving .........

1. Mom of Three described my blog as 'eclectic' and that means I write on diverse topics or experiences. I never really thought about it but it does succinctly describe the content. But on subject matter, it is mostly centred around  life and me. Does this then mean it is filled with variety? I am thankful that I have many interests to occupy me.

2. My parents are still around, and supportive without being judgemental of my current circumstances. They could have said 'I told you so'.  I thank God for them and their love.

3. I did not give up or go insane, I had strength to persevere. Thank you for my endurance.

4. I have a job, if not for that job, I would have been more hesitant and afraid to take the steps we needed. You have helped empower me.

5. I've been reminded by less fortunate parents, that God has blessed me with three beautiful children, I have 'nothing else to complain about but the normal mischief' that they would gladly have.  Thank you Lord for their well-being.

6. I have friends from my early school days, new friends from recent times, close friends who are even closer now and now I have blog friends to keep me company, at any time to stay in touch, to communicate with, thank you that I may never feel loneliness, they are my signposts.

7. I have two siblings with their own kids, who make time to to keep up family ties, I know they will stand by us should I ever need them more; thank you Lord that they do keep in touch, that they are there for me.

8. Thank you for technology that makes contact easy, and for enabling me the time, energy and health to participate positively in the life around me.

9. Thank you that there is light in my life.

 I just read a blog(that's 1 more today) it was so sad from beginning to end, please say a prayer for those in despair.

Sunday Solitude

If I could chart my moods according to my posts, it would probably read like a roller coaster.
My fears are mostly centred around my kids, for my kids, that life will get better.
My thoughts wander between the mother and the person that I am,
struggling to keep the light on instead of veering into darkness.
Dear God, I wait for you to show me if this is the course to take, a sign.
It's like we have started down a different road but where and when does it end?
Speak louder please, in case I should  miss hearing you, for there's too much noise around me.
Tug my hand harder, for there's so much distraction within.
Help me keep faith, and a clear head, help us find peace, pray for us dear Mother.
St Jude please continue to carry our words and hope Angels always keep near.