Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

Oct 20, 2011

Why did I not get out?

I was waiting for a miracle. I prayed for help, a way. I suppose in the deepest deepest part of my mind I had this everlasting hope.

choppy waters, rocks aplenty...
But my prayers were not to be answered so easily or too soon. The abuse, the narcissistic behaviour began a long time ago and I suppose another reason for hanging on was the hope that he would mature and change.

But that was not to be even as I carried my first child. I was treated no better or differently. But still I hung on. I am Catholic and as much as I think myself a grade B- quality type of Catholic, deep down my faith mattered , my vows mattered, the sacrament mattered. It would not be right for the kids. So I held on. Was it cowardly?

Imagine having to hold your breathe on your partner's reactions/response to soup that comes out of a familiar can; because that taste too is your responsibility. 90% of the time, nothing is good enough or well done or right ..
I didn't make it worse, I took on the meek role and stayed in the silence which grew longer and longer each time, but I couldn't make it better. Maybe if I kept the peace long enough, he would see?

After the third child, he didn't change for the better, he got more arrogant and his self-esteem did not improve with respect to me, more tyrannical, using the silent treatment permanently on me as his means for punishment and his physical temper emerged more and more frequently.  Sometimes I think he has a brain disease. And still I did not think of getting out. I prayed for wisdom too.

I got the courage to take out the protection order, not for myself but for the kids. When I think back I can't recall what pushed me to take those steps, did I plan did I think it through.... 
Hoping again that he would see (reality) what he had to do (a chance to try to hold this family together) and consequently would shake him and make him realize he needed help and advise for his behavior that was not right; that he would then attempt to salvage us all as a family unit.  But that didn't happen.  I once said that hope can be bad thing,  this is what I meant.

And so I wondered then what was the answer, I got up the courage to take ONE step, was it up to me to take the next and last resort, to break the vows, was that the way ?

But that was not.  In the end, it was he who did it. Why at this time, I can't figure?

But this seems to be that final answer to my problem and repeated prayer.

There are several thoughts that come to mind as I surmise what has passed:
I was meant to have three kids and not stop at one
There is a purpose for their being.
I was meant to take that extra journey of suffering, it made me stronger and to become a different person from the one who started out. My faith is stronger.
I have come to appreciate what normal means in most human natures - my tolerance is that much more for the range of human temperaments as nothing comes remotely close to the evil nature of my ex whom I have had to  survive with all these years.
Perhaps this is where fate is meant to take me.
This is where his guiding spirit led me.  God does not intervene until you give him permission and so he couldn't give me the miracle I asked for.

Jun 23, 2010

Revising my Lease on life

I made mistakes and that is what I should learn from rather than try to forget them. When I think of them, I think, why was I so naive, I wish I had been more mature and had been more exposed to see the bad and recognize the abnormal and be less forgiving.

Now it's easier, I remember but have stopped dwelling on it in an oppressive obsessive way. It's time to go past that. I can't undo the past that has led to the here and now, nor wish it away because there's too much there to change, and much I don't wish to change.

These are what I can't share openly and that is why I have this blog. It is the negative expressions, the heavy hearted-ness of thought that are poured out here. Call these my troubled pages. While I might be ready to share some and reveal more of that sad existence with the adults of my circle,  I don't think the kids are ready for the reception of the knowing by relatives or cousins, aunts and uncles whether it is in sympathy or not.

When I started this blog, it was part of the healing, I suppose I am on my way to a new (or revised) lease on life.
All who know me(outside blog land) only see the shiny side of me and the optimist (only my dad knows my 'not so ordinary' troubles). I say 'not ordinary' because this concept of trouble would be quite alien to the normal persons I know.  They don't ask anymore where my husband is or why the children's father do not join us at social functions ?
I want to move on as the pain of the bad fades, I wish to express those thoughts and events that are part of daily life - the pragmatic side of life that is the open book among all I know. Dwelling on life now or to be is a better exercise too I think. So I began another blog that is not hidden, that is open, one that posts about more practical stuff and other  moments of my life, my kids' life, to remember, no heavy emotions or dark thoughts or fears.
If you do comes across it or recognise me,  that's ok. You know me better after all.
I'm not ending off here, life's not perfect YET.   These are are still part of who I am and was.

One day I might link them both.

May 11, 2010

The Way to Live.

It seems that everything I read , any inspiritional piece of work points in one direction. In striving TO LIVE, it must be done not for ourselves and or there must be some form of suffering;  else we will find little meaning in life or that life will find little meaning in us.

I mentioned Art E Berg's book a while back Some Miracles Take Time, well I re-read it and it still gives me goosebumps.  There's so much faith and hope in this true story I can't help thinking that the ending will change and  be a happier one.

Here's another inspiring quote that goes with this train of thought that I would like to remember and share: 

From Teddy Roosevelt:
"It's not the critic who counts, ...  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strive valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without err and shortcoming.

Who does actually strive to do the deed, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, spends themsleves in a worthy triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

Be Happy

Apr 21, 2010

Hope for Life .. from Victor Frankl

Words to ponder....
Viktor E Frankl - 'Man's Search for Meaning , The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust'

The meaning of life ....' it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us'...

'Life ultimately means taking responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.'

'Every situation is distinquished by its uniqueness, and there is always only one right answer to the problem posed by the situation at hand.'

The answer lies in right action, and right conduct. Man must have a 'why' and that will determine his 'how.

This true story is a truly inspiring read and offers much hope for man. 

Mar 16, 2010

Tiny steps Forward

It's been a half a year since I thought change when will it Happen ?
Life seems better now, there is more noise and movement.

The childen are learning to be loud. Sometimes too much.
Some things need to be learned all over, some fears still to overcome, that's hard.
The ill wind does not blow as often.
Still I am grateful, there seems to be more calm less strain.
When once there was mostly gloom, the sun shines more.
But of course we can't have everything perfect.
There are still Inner struggles,
but of a different nature, and we will persevere.

Jan 20, 2010

Seeking Wisdom which brings Contentment....

The answer seems to be 'carry on with life, it's not my time to do anything yet'.

Seeking a miracle solution from The Book, there is none. They are work-at-it solutions.
There is hope for contentment in this life, without waiting for it in death. It appears that what we constantly seek can be gotten quite easily,  the incentives are wonderful and yet so very difficult in the doing.
Does contentment lead to acceptance or does acceptance lead to contentment?
Does this call for blind faith, to believe I am treading on the right path?  
How do I lay aside my own perception to trust Him 'wholeheartedly'. Do I stop thinking altogether each time I make a choice or decision.?
Not so easy to do - to think of Him in all things we do.

"Trust wholeheartedly in God
put no faith in your own perception;
acknowledge him in every course you take
and he will see that your paths are smooth."

And once we discover wisdom, it will
 ... "all lead to contentment.
... give life to your soul
and beauty to your neck.
You will go on your way in safety,
your feet will not stumble..
... you will not be afraid
.. sleep will be sweet"       
(Prv 3:5-6,17 22-24)..

Nov 12, 2009

If I Imagine

If I imagine a world
it will be a world undivided by oceans
and no boundaries.

If I imagine a garden
it will be wider than my eye could see,
laden with fruit trees,
flowers of every colour and bird sanctuaries.

If I imagine a leader
like Solomon, he would be all knowing,
born of wisdom to astound
so Peace will abound.

If I imagine a sound
it will be sweet melodies of vocals,
the gentle voices of angels.
in harmony with a tantalizing breeze,
that surfs the ocean to tease.

If I imagine death
it will be slumber of a mother’s peace
Slowly I will float from the earth
tenderly carried on waves with ease.
No weight, no shame, nor guilt of grief.

(HA - Oct 2009)

Oct 24, 2009

A Journey from Fear to Strength.

I have some fears still but I have overcome much fear.  But as much as I would like to let them all out and 'release' them, I can't talk about it because my daughter reads my posts sometimes (yes u dear) maybe my son/s too.  I can't share more yet but you will get a gist of it.  Revealing anything more other than strength is not a good idea just now. They need to be strong for themselves, not for me.  I think I reveal more through my comments at others' sites. There are dark shadows in my life but there is light too.

When feelings overflow, it does come out in bits, now and then through some of my posts, [Volcano,  couragechild's anger, The bully ] when I'm upset, or angry, sad, or when there's a small triumph in  personal life. My role for my kids is to be strong for them, and seek out the best objective solution for them. My life for the last 20 years has been less than imperfect and I am working to getting it to just imperfect. The perfect life never lasts, I don't need it.

Joyce Meyer's Testimonial (Just Be Real) , The Narcissist and Janice's Diary ,  these blogs/ posts tell of realities that centre around  'abuse' and 'narcissists'.  In the last 20 years or so,  my kids and I have personally become acquainted with some of the painful experiences that these individuals mention. I have not slept a full night's rest for so long I don't really remember what it feels like anymore just a constant tired feeling.  The experiences of bloggers who have lived through so much more hardships, who are able to personally share (vent anger, realize peace, survive)  and comments from their supporters is heartening, it helps very much and keeps up my hope. 

I never talked about it, I hid my problem life so well. Why, because it was just unheard of in my circle. As I began to 'leak' a little of what  I faced with friends around me, I came to discover that we all hide something,  we seem to think everyone else has perfect lives and so we dare not reveal our unhappy lives. Everyone has different crosses to bear .  I was so uncertain, so afraid of the unknown outcome, blur of llines that were not quite black and white.  I was not a blogger nor a blog reader before I overcame the first major hurdle either, perhaps it would have moved me sooner.

About a year ago, I felt a 'bursting' feeling and there came a real shift within me, which came in the form of awareness and even a rude awakening through different close friends in my life. Finally being able to talk about it  had helped to push me forward, to be less afraid. 5 months ago I made that first move, for the past 4 months there has been some change for the better for my kids, we have come a long way, but we're not done.  5 months ago I couldn't talk about it without breaking up, but today I can.

What I have learned too about the social system of help, is that they can assure you some of the way but cannot commit all the way, it's only easy if it is definable in black and white, not for the grey.  Abuse is abuse isn't it, is there a question of how much or how little?  This is where naive me learnt a valuable lesson too and I will be more ready to face the next round if it comes to pass. 
It was just after the first milestone that I started this blog (healing). I had started an earlier blog  as a record of episodes in our lives; I believe that putting down the words also helped to precipitate action. But that remains private for now. Apart from the immediate problem, one precious element  that has been suppressed is self-expression and we are learning to let our minds fly free.

Where is my faith in all this, it's there deeper than it has ever been. I used to blame God but have come to realise all things happen as a consequence of our choices.  And so we need to deal with it the same way and not expect God to solve problems of our own making. When I thought (for years) I should be just praying and waiting for God to do something, he was actually pushing me to do something first, only I did not get that. As in Ted Loder's prayer (see sidebar) I desired to 'be bold'. I had to discover courage.   HE is there, and I know that.  At this stage, I still don't know what is God's will, we have come to a fork in the road, waiting either for God's move or man's. 

The bottom line is do what I have to do to improve the lives of the kids and yet make some difficult choices for myself . Mercy seems to be what God wants me to attempt so that I can say I gave (it) a chance for change. When the time is right to cross that line, I will know it,  and then I will know too that it is the right way to go.  As JBR aptly describes the emotions,  I too have not fully surrendered I have not learned how to yet. I am still climbing that mountain, (I forget sometimes) by myself.  His way has made me stronger. I pray that peace comes soon. For those who do not believe in God, call it what you want, but something greater has pulled me out of my hole.
For all those who have only darkness and no light, I pray that hope shines your way and that you will be able to step out of the shadows.

This quote holds a truth in the first part, we hope soon for the fullfillment of the second part.
If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. -John Heywood

Sep 21, 2009

Do Today

If I could be born again, I'd be a bee.
I get to flit between all types of flowers with glee.
What hues and fragrances would colour my view,
I'm assuming, they enjoy it they way we do.

But life's not like that, so we constantly sneer.
A bees' life is so mundane, I hear.
Work so hard, carry the nectar, so keen,
but who gets the credit, but the Queen.

We strive for things and mourn.
never satisfied, for tomorrow we dream,
while time and tide moves on.
Today was the tomorrow, so it seems
Tomorrow will be today, yesterday is no more.
Make today count, and tomorrow will show
the life you want it to be.

(HA - 2009)

Sep 20, 2009

Sunday Solitude

If I could chart my moods according to my posts, it would probably read like a roller coaster.
My fears are mostly centred around my kids, for my kids, that life will get better.
My thoughts wander between the mother and the person that I am,
struggling to keep the light on instead of veering into darkness.
Dear God, I wait for you to show me if this is the course to take, a sign.
It's like we have started down a different road but where and when does it end?
Speak louder please, in case I should  miss hearing you, for there's too much noise around me.
Tug my hand harder, for there's so much distraction within.
Help me keep faith, and a clear head, help us find peace, pray for us dear Mother.
St Jude please continue to carry our words and hope Angels always keep near.

Sep 3, 2009

Moments to Sing

The toys, it's sad, have seen little light,
so infrequently used.
Radio or TV is not blasting today,
as if calm and quiet have fused.
I hear my child,
he is humming while playing with his jigsaw,
To hear such carefree, the tranquil, it touches my core.

I weep for lost time
when madness rules with noise and might.
Always inside, better to be out of sight.
Courage, come out, come out.
O loving Greatness
lead us by little steps out of anger and sadness.

My spirit soars to see the boys playing,
the little one humming.
My heart for a while, is singing.

(HA - Sep 2009)

Sep 2, 2009

My Journey

There are days, to work extra hard to keep my spirits up.
Only I can see and hear my children,
something must be up.
Ignorance is out of the question,
Ignorance cannot bring bliss,
for when they are silent, something must be amiss.

There are days, like a boat in the ocean,
up and down, this way and that, any turn.
Like a stock market graph
my spirit and mind follows.
My mind’s eye sees, and knows
where the waters are rough.
Stay the course it's within my control,
for my children, I must keep a hold,
they are my hearts and my balm,
humour, tolerance and prayer, keep me calm.

I strive for balance, and objectivity
hope for patience and sensitivity.
There is a disturbance in their earth,
but we are still finding our way to a berth.

Where is that silver lining?
We have been patient.
Peace will come, I keep singing.
There are days when I feel ancient.

(HA – Aug 2009)

Aug 18, 2009

Change - When will it happen?

I'm tired of waiting, tired of the wariness
I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired for the kids.
Just so tired.
Like a virus it hovers in the air, around us, just buzzing.
So immature, he will not change.
So many things to undo, to improve,
to remedy and heal, to repair.
I don't know the speed of progress or the destination.
Will it be better or worse?
Is this the right path? Will it help?
Am I too late? Is it the right time?
Is this 'chance' a waste of time?
When can I begin?

I'm just stressed and rambling.

Don't doubt. Be strong. Stay the course

Aug 3, 2009

Inner Struggles

I walked once with shoulders down
My head up in the haze.
My thoughts not on home
but on work, in hollow cheer.
Burdened yet unfazed
I hid there,
it was easier.

I looked at my children.
I saw.
The pain,
it started to seep in.
They too hid
in school and at home.
I prayed for the cure,
that pain would go away.
How much more to endure?

The stress,
instead it grew, more not less,
desperation and despair.
When would change come?
Pain then anger.
Anger to energy, it moved me.
Why did I linger?

The silence from within,
My head felt, my heart heard,
all that was hidden.
Why did we abide?
Hope, compassion…
don’t be foolish, think of them,
put it aside.

I will be brave,
I will not fear,
Grant me strength
to persevere.

(HA –June 2009)

Jul 28, 2009

My Child

Be my child,
be happy.
Be at peace,
be spontaneous.
Be bold,
try it,
take a chance.
See with eyes,
hear with ears
ever clear.
Be open to wonders
around us.
Open minds,
trusting hearts,
always dear.
Believe in you.
Say yes
I can!
Be merry.
Always mine.

- HA (2009)

Jul 13, 2009

Create some heaven NOW.

I wrote these down as I sorted through chaos and somehow the words connect .. by these authors and spokesman:

Courage is sometimes frail as hope is frail: a fragile shoot between two stones that grows brave toward the sun though warmth and brightness fail, striving and faith the only strength it knows. -Frances Rodman.

Sometimes it's easy to advise someone else to have courage. But when it comes to ourselves, it's tough. Fear of the unknown. Mostly it's easier to keep hoping. Hoping for change, hoping for better days that will stay that way. And therein lies the constant worry that makes me tired.
Hope, deceitful as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of life along an agreeable road.
La Rochefoucauld, unfortunately not agreeable to everyone.

Worry is a form of fear, and all forms of fear produce fatigue. A man who has learned not to feel fear will find the fatigue of daily life enormously diminished - Bertrand Arthur William Russell
So true.

Aristotle said 'No one loves the man whom he fears.' Definitely

My last entry by Friedrich Nietzsche
Everyone who has ever built anywhere a "new heaven" first found the power thereto in his own hell.

Time for change.
My friends help with strength to move.
Right thing to do. Will it come out right?

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. - Alexander Graham Bell

I hope that is how it works out.

Jul 10, 2009

The Brighter side of Life

When life throw's you a curve, don't panic. It means your life is not boring.
Stay cool don't get excited. When you get to my life, that would only represent a single drop of rain.
But if life keeps you on that curve, then panic !

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