Oct 20, 2011

Why did I not get out?

I was waiting for a miracle. I prayed for help, a way. I suppose in the deepest deepest part of my mind I had this everlasting hope.

choppy waters, rocks aplenty...
But my prayers were not to be answered so easily or too soon. The abuse, the narcissistic behaviour began a long time ago and I suppose another reason for hanging on was the hope that he would mature and change.

But that was not to be even as I carried my first child. I was treated no better or differently. But still I hung on. I am Catholic and as much as I think myself a grade B- quality type of Catholic, deep down my faith mattered , my vows mattered, the sacrament mattered. It would not be right for the kids. So I held on. Was it cowardly?

Imagine having to hold your breathe on your partner's reactions/response to soup that comes out of a familiar can; because that taste too is your responsibility. 90% of the time, nothing is good enough or well done or right ..
I didn't make it worse, I took on the meek role and stayed in the silence which grew longer and longer each time, but I couldn't make it better. Maybe if I kept the peace long enough, he would see?

After the third child, he didn't change for the better, he got more arrogant and his self-esteem did not improve with respect to me, more tyrannical, using the silent treatment permanently on me as his means for punishment and his physical temper emerged more and more frequently.  Sometimes I think he has a brain disease. And still I did not think of getting out. I prayed for wisdom too.

I got the courage to take out the protection order, not for myself but for the kids. When I think back I can't recall what pushed me to take those steps, did I plan did I think it through.... 
Hoping again that he would see (reality) what he had to do (a chance to try to hold this family together) and consequently would shake him and make him realize he needed help and advise for his behavior that was not right; that he would then attempt to salvage us all as a family unit.  But that didn't happen.  I once said that hope can be bad thing,  this is what I meant.

And so I wondered then what was the answer, I got up the courage to take ONE step, was it up to me to take the next and last resort, to break the vows, was that the way ?

But that was not.  In the end, it was he who did it. Why at this time, I can't figure?

But this seems to be that final answer to my problem and repeated prayer.

There are several thoughts that come to mind as I surmise what has passed:
I was meant to have three kids and not stop at one
There is a purpose for their being.
I was meant to take that extra journey of suffering, it made me stronger and to become a different person from the one who started out. My faith is stronger.
I have come to appreciate what normal means in most human natures - my tolerance is that much more for the range of human temperaments as nothing comes remotely close to the evil nature of my ex whom I have had to  survive with all these years.
Perhaps this is where fate is meant to take me.
This is where his guiding spirit led me.  God does not intervene until you give him permission and so he couldn't give me the miracle I asked for.


  1. I was very moved by this post, as I'm sure other readers are. I, too, go back and second guess choices I made that in hindsight were damaging not only to me, but worse, to the kids. But at the time, the choices seemed like the right and responsible thing to do. I read a wonderful quote on another blog recently about the perfection of timing, meaning that everything happens at the perfect time. I wish I could remember the exact words. I also am thinking of what Joseph said to his brothers. You meant it for harm but God meant it for good. I try to remember this verse every time I feel like something bad has happened. Thank you for so bravely sharing your story and your thoughts about your life.

  2. Yes, thank you for sharing. You are a brave woman. I truly support you for standing up for yourself and your kids. I am in a different kind of troubling situation that is not clear to me...hasn't been for a long time. I am seeking guidance and do not know where it will lead. It helped me to read this.

  3. Thanks Galen, you are right, it is a mental struggle between what is right and what is necessary.

    Hi Sandra, the word 'brave' probably describes my external appearance but internally I'm far far from it. It's hard to hold Courage as a constant. Thank you for your words. I hope you find your answers.

  4. I wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog. My father was abusive on all levels and my first husband in some of them also, so I understand your "hope." It is difficult to know when enough is enough, because we push ourselves back. Our love, our belief, our hope, our commitment...we cling to them as they also imprison us, it seems.

    However, the real commitment is to your Lord. He sees your heart, hears its yearnings, feels its suffering, and He will provide. I have seen that many times in my own life even, in the worse of circumstances, as well as in the lives of others...as He will in yours.

    I found that what I experienced has given me something special that I passed onto others in service of my Lord. You may not feel braver or stronger, but you are. All that you have overcome, all that shaped you, all that you fear even now can be used for God's purpose if you are willing. It is in His purpose that you will be perfected.

    If I could give you this one thing I would give you purity of hope, which can only be in the Lord your God.

  5. What we go through as a child colors our vision on what is normal or good. You are strong and brave.

  6. To seekingmyLord: your words here and understanding are strong, I feel them as from one who has endured much suffering and I feel your strength of faith too. The title on your blog, very simply put strikes at the heart of my need of the Lord..'Please sanctuary me'. Thank you

    Dear Wanda, thank you I am inspired by you and others who strive to overcome fears and pain.

  7. It sounds like you did the best you could. Under these circumstances, what more could you have done? God understands and sees what you’ve suffered at the hands of the heartless. The ex will get his just dessert. No matter how hard life was with this man, you have the blessing of three children who love you and understand. And yes, they have a purpose for being, and so do you.
    ~ Blessings dear one.

  8. Great post. So true to fact. Than you for sharing BM. Blessings.

  9. Dear Debra, I ask myself that constantly what more could I have done... doubts still linger..Thank you for your understanding.

    Dear JBR, you are an inspiration when it comes to facing ones fears and surviving them.

  10. I mentioned your blog in my post today. I've linked back. Just wanted you to know.

  11. Wow...so heartfelt and real! And you seem to be drawing insight and purpose from your suffering and being changed by it for the better, as difficult as the process must be.

  12. Thank you Sandra, 'haste makes waste' that's true, and 'hate is waste' too so I've recently heard..I believe it'll get better..

    Dear Paula, I recall commenting on Galen's blog ...that I try to clear the baggage in my head a little at a time, and by facing it down in print, it somehow solidifies it and makes it trashable... but I should add it also straightens my mind out in some way. It is difficult, you're right there.
    I tend to go around in circles with these thoughts, I want to break it and move on.

  13. i was very touches by this post.

    i think you you did the best you could.
    you're so blessed to have your children who understand.

    and you're such a great mother, bm!
    it's really sad you took that journey of suffering and that you have been through all this and had such a tough period in your life.

    but God loves you and you're blessed.


  14. Thank you Betty


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