Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Feb 14, 2016

God is great, he's wonderful

Did I not know he was there before?
That's because I was looking but did not see.
It's been 4 years or so now, life has happened
and I am grateful.
I have a job still in this terribly terribly unstable
and roller coaster economy,
the love of family who stand by me
and friends who share their ears and hearts with me.

He asks little from  us, but gives us so much
yet half the time we think and feel
it's not nearly enough, and we're never contented.

Weather 's hot but not that crazy.
The plants are still green and flowering.
The children will still moan and groan,
and I will still nag and push
but that's life.
I like quiet but I also miss the noise.

Is that how we're made, to live with noise and silence;  to have one and sometimes we must have the other. Extremes and boredom keep us afloat and living.

In spite of everything that has happened , I know I am blessed.
It doesn't matter how anyone else judges.
I don't aim for perfect, just better than OK.

God will still love us inspite of our chaos and continue to be our guide even if I don't see the driver.

Aug 18, 2013

A question of fairness

Is it normal to constantly think in terms of balance of problems ?  I know that others do not have perfect lives but some just seem to have less troubles than I do. Then I think that's unfair. Why me ?

My life has improved much, and it is ridiculous to expect it to be perfect BUT from time to time (when I am tried) I wallow, I compare myself, my life with that of others and I always feel like I have more to weather than others.

I think in terms of no kids vs 3 kids vs 1 kid vs parents with smart kids vs kids who have to work so hard vs the busy parent vs SAHM vs the single (happy go lucky), the well traveled vs luck vs luckless..  etc etc etc..

There' s a saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but why do we have to have more than others at all. Isn't some enough ? Why do some seem to have none at all ?

I read somewhere too, that we experience problems because God wants to see or test our reactions to it rather than the solution of it.  So does it add to our credit line somewhere or reduce our debt on some conscience balance sheet for a place in heaven ?
It seems that we all don't begin with the same starting balance.

The mulling lasts a little while and then I thank God because there is more goodness to be grateful for than what went before. We all have different strengths to handle life differently, I suppose that is why.

There's a reason for all things that happen to us, I believe that strongly and yet ..........


Apr 29, 2013

Coping with ........

As I tried to title this post I was trying to figure, what am I coping with ?
There are just too many areas.

First I thought 'school', the kids timetable and their or my or the schools' push towards academic performance is taking it's toll. Yes exams are around the corner. Exams always seem to be around the corner.

Dealing with the ex is no longer a problem directly but dealing with his antics through playing with the kids'head is another kind of problem. I am learning how to deal with that too, unfortunately I can't say the same for the kids who are neither too young or too old.  You can't force courage or grow it when the fear never really went away and strength never had the opportunity to take root. My ex can't seem to think first for the goodness of his kids except his own selfish end. To him, it's still about winning the game and that means using the kids.
In this instance I think prayer is the only strategy and everyday I strive to keep the kids going at what is important for them.

Then there is work. Does such a thing exist, work-life balance?.  No job is stable today, perhaps if you work in the public sector. Dissatisfaction is one thing, but holding on to it and making it work does not help when the economy is so volatile.
Inflation used to be subtle and silent, but today it's the opposite and so tangible that you hear and feel it constantly when you shop for basics or have a simple meal.

Besides that I've been thinking of moving out of my sector to something more worthwhile but that's difficult at my age too.

So we plod on and make whatever works work.
My mind is constantly racing even when I try to do something restful and calming, there's always something to worry about, to plan for, to frown about and just so little to smile about.

It's hard to just throw caution to the wind.

No I'm not feeling melancholy, just low on faith and irritated by all these bumps along the road.

Sep 5, 2011

Life - like a carnival

Stepping into colours and sights,
sounds, smells, noise and wild movement.
Exhilaration and excitement unfurls, 
where to begin, what to try, which to sample.
Slowly the atmosphere soaks in, we warm up,
the game stalls beckon,
look at those soft toys, a sigh, not easy,  we move on.
Check out the carousel, how many rides,
just get on, let's not get off at all,
round and round,  easy and breezy, 
round and round, up and down,
Are we free, feels whimsical, 
can we toss the worries,
can I stay forever on my white horse.
Cotton candy puffs and popcorn smells, let’s get some.
We’re done,  it’s time to get the heart pumping.
Do we ride the roller coaster or the magic carpet?
Upside down or a real fast drop, what a choice, both or one.
We scream at the top of our lungs, breathing hard,
gripping the sides, knuckles straining out.
One more time, now with eyes open
we do it again, the speed demon takes over.
More exhilarated, eyes bright, minds giddy,
we rush on to the magic carpet.
Heart and stomach lost in transit, shot straight down, 
we come out and down, happily dazed.
Looking up, there looms ahead a glittering Ferris wheel.
Slowly and steadily, it seems to call. 
Let’s get to the top of the world. 
Will we ever get there? 
Another round, another shot at the top.
Slow and steady, in and out, we breathe in the clear air,
as we make our way.
Finally,  we are back down to earth, 
and it’s time to take leave.
Goodnight to lights, noise, smells and sights.
We're done now,
childhood, to youth, to grey.


Jul 4, 2011

Thoughts on 'suffering' ...getting pass the boulders.

Fellow sufferers, do we forget that we are not alone. I am reminded  after going through the blog sites I follow. We support each other with our words and can anyone deny that IT HELPS.

I have come to accept that life cannot be burden free, that's not the way life is meant to be. But while I accept, I still question, why this way and not another form of suffering. And I will probably still end up with this question even if  I ended up with a different set of problems.  We can't help it, we're not wired to like problems of any kind.

The fact is, it is hard to work through problems, because it exacts a hard toll on the mind and body. And we just want to get pass this boulder that sits in front of us and move on.
Our journey(path) is strewn with many little types of stones and rocks. Many we can skip over and kick out of the way and yet there will be one type that we insist on collecting, holding and adding like rolling clay til it gets bigger and bigger to become a boulder.

I think it's been said by many different teachers on Life, if there was no bad or sadness or emptiness how would we know what is or appreciate even  the good or the happy or the plenty. If there are no ups and downs, life would be dull and we would become complacent and living becomes like stagnant water.
We would not be exercising all parts of the brain as it was created to, and so those unused synapses(or neurons) would just die away and then what would happen? I doubt that adds to survival attributes of the human race.

We each have our own cross to bear and somehow knowing that I am not alone, helps me cope and think that since there must be balance in the world , then we are each doing our part and are not carry more than we should and therefore are easing off the weight from someone else somewhere.
Have you ever considered that ?
That the weight is spread. And like a 'passing the parcel' game, we each must take a turn at holding a burden until such time as it is passed on. Isn't that a hidden message in the way of beliefs, that there is a cycle and balance to life in all aspects, so in happiness and suffering.

So we are not assigned boulders according to our weight, height, temper and smarts, are we?  We choose them.
Some boulders can be prevented from becoming what they are, and some will need hacking with the help of friends to reduce them and some may disappear eventually with divine help or just using our mind to diminish its size.

God did not put us on this earth merely to suffer. It's part of life, and he gave us the tools within us and in others to smooth-en the path -  to be able to live life and find enjoyment too.
It's our choice.

Nov 4, 2010

The life we have is the path we choose

I found a couple of old diaries I had kept and realize my stint in the school of gullible idiocy began way back, stemmed mostly from the insecurities of a sheltered childhood.

There's nothing for it but to know and be glad that I grew up.

I am now getting away from the biggest evil of my life and soon that part will be over.

As I go through this stage, I learn that fear is never really gone, it visits now and again when you are most vulnerable. And what makes you vulnerable, one's children.

I am advised that the children are old enough, I should not worry.

So the question I pose, 'what is the choice to make', seems simple
- to be happy or to worry,
- to live in certainty or volatility

but is it?

Sep 27, 2010

Thoughts while missing in action again ...

I suppose this is going to happen now and then... I haven't had the time to post or blog visit and when I had the urge to do so ... my pc was occupied. That's what happens when you have 3 active gamers at home who love to hog the pc.
...Work has been hectic too... so very little inspiration has been flowing through.

I am behind on my course assignment, but mostly I have been trying to distract myself I think from the impending proceedings.  I am strangely not worried nor aggrieved in any way about the current process or what will soon be.  My main thoughts are on the kids and what it is going to mean for us which is mostly continuing on to the next stage in life. For them, nothing much will really change except a physical change of address and life will continue very much as it has for the past year, though they may not realize it at first

For me I suppose there is nothing to miss that has not already been missing for a long time. I look forward to live life, to laugh more freely and hope to stop grieving over naivete and for what cannot be regained.

Sep 13, 2010

.. it's all in the timing

It's like events have been timed to support, strung out to lessen the impact. Stranger things have happened I suppose.

When I was retrenched 5 years ago, it was precious time I needed to keep an eye on my father who had undergone major surgery. For the first time in his life, he needed someone to drive him around and help with the household and my mum. I had 6 months to do that before I managed to find another job. I was glad for it in the end. .. co-incidence?

This time round, I'm about to move out of this house, but not before I am able to do my part for the folks who need a temporary place with space to stay while their place is being renovated... co-incidence?

I have been unintentionally preparing myself as I accompanied them around noting how to get a new home ready, what to look out for, finding out how much furnishings and fixtures actually cost (so I have an idea) so I am more ready in a way to do those very things for myself... co-incidence.

If this had happened 2 years ago, I would not have been ready psychologically in spite of all that has passed.

It all happens ' in his time' as they say.

Aug 25, 2010

What is my vocation, am I done ?

Viktor Frankl wrote that  "One should not search for an abstract meaning of life. Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced nor can his life be repeated." . We each have a unique responsibility to our own life ?.

Do you know yours?

So then I ask, is this my vocation, is this my meaning .. to live this way, to find my way in this strange life of conflict, to lead my kids out of it?

lament ...... life is not fair.. why do some people have it so easy.. .. I am to be consoled then with the answer at the end of the parable of the prodigal son ?

Aug 2, 2010

It's What You Make of It: Take Charge!

'Life is what you make of it'... written by Amy a guest writer on

.. great advice and wonderful encouragement to be the person you are.

May 3, 2010

Missing the silence.. keep smiling...

I have missed the silence for a while now. There has been preparation for one function or event after another.  There's been something on every weekend for the past string of weekends and I'm looking forward to just staying home or catching a movie with the kids.

Work has also taken its toll, I haven't had much breathing room. It's like the runaway train at this time, I keep trying to catch up.  I am waiting for it to slow down again. Back log is really like a burden dragging behind you. . It's a cycle.. soon  it'll be back to the usual.... chin up...!.

I'd like to leave you smiling with  an old favourite -  life explained..

On the first day God created the cow. God said,
"You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer.
I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, Okay God agreed.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years?" No way man.
Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

Apr 21, 2010

Hope for Life .. from Victor Frankl

Words to ponder....
Viktor E Frankl - 'Man's Search for Meaning , The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust'

The meaning of life ....' it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us'...

'Life ultimately means taking responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.'

'Every situation is distinquished by its uniqueness, and there is always only one right answer to the problem posed by the situation at hand.'

The answer lies in right action, and right conduct. Man must have a 'why' and that will determine his 'how.

This true story is a truly inspiring read and offers much hope for man. 

Mar 31, 2010

Old Tree

I saw a huge old tree today
It seemed lonely and heavy.
It’s trunk so thick, it could not sway,
It just seemed melancholy.

Quite magnificent and sturdy
yet I never noticed it before.
I walk this way so regularly
But only today, did it call to me.

With the elements for best friends
it survives.
Long forgotten,
in the city, it thrives.

I shaded my eyes and looked up higher
It really was very tall.
In the sunlight, there was much flutter
Of branches and leaves in a sprawl.

It almost seems quite gay up there
Yet below is stillness and silence.
I think they have forgotten
the lifeline of their existence.

Tomorrow, I shall meet it on my way
and hope it will have a good day.

(HA - 3/2010)

Mar 29, 2010

Where am I now ... stuck in the Present ?

I think of this constantly, over and over about where I am, what, who am I ?
I have let the past go, I know there is no improving that.

We are moving forward some, but I find I am stuck. I feel that I can't move forward or plan.
Is there a decision to be made by me?  For whom I ask?  Is it for me or my children?
Is it right, when the rules say no,  isn't that to be the guiding principal?  I am bound by my faith.

And yet it means I am stuck in the present, hanging and waiting.
But my kids are happy; they do not have a choice to make.
Is my focus to be only on the children? Is there a me?

Tracy's post struck a chord in me, there is a difference between doing the right thing and the good thing.
If I put my life on hold, it would seem the good thing.
If I make a decision for me, it would not be the right thing. So it seems there is no right thing to do but continue to be stuck in the present until that decision is out of my hands.

But then I think, it is stuck only in one aspect, I can move on in other ways that affect my growth without upsetting the children.
But does my unhappiness affect my kids. I should not let it, should I?
That is where I am now.

Mar 26, 2010

Musing about Life .... again.

A couple of interesting statements I recently read and my thoughts:
" It is engagement that counts................The question of meaning of life is ... not edifying. One must immerse oneself into the river of life and let the question drift away"- Irvin D Yalom.
My encounter with several different persons in my life tells me a few things. There are 3 different categories of people :-
1) the group that is constantly whining or looking on and waiting for something to move us 
2) the group that is in the flow and moving of their own volition or 
3) that group that is in the flow but are merely being carried by it.. ..

Sitting on the banks and letting life flow by slows us down; age faster and mental faculties seem fuzzy or cluttered. This applies to both old and young alike. It can be quite depressing to live that way and be with someone like that too. It's harder to shake an elderly person out of it, but there's hope for the younger one yet. 
On the other hand when we are constantly moving with it (2nd,3rd group) we do grow. 
BUT it is only in the second group that we are really alive when we act(engage) and that is where the hard work comes in. 

But then having said that, it is good to slow down once in a while and observe the life that flows, to breathe in, take stock and refresh. Being in the first group only sometimes is alright and necessary.

The other interesting statement from Dr Yalom, "...freedom has a darker side" . Why, because we are then responsible for ourselves. 
There are times when I wish I did not have this freedom,  there just seems to be too much ground to cover and too many people involved,  I want someone else to shoulder them and lead me. And that would be being a apart of the first and third group. 

The group to be in mostly, is the second group.

Mar 21, 2010

Keeping in touch....

Roses are red, violets are blue,
it's been an awfully long long week and I have certainly missed all of you.

Hope to get back to my less busy routine soon and finish my rounds on my favourite blogs.....
in the meantime to share something I came across.. an interesting piece by an unknown author. It holds a wealth of meaning....

Isn't it strange, that princes and kings
And clowns that caper in sawdust rings,
And common people like you and me
Are builders for eternity?
And each is given a bag of tools,
A shapeless mass, and a book of rules;
And each must make 'ere life is flown
A stumbling block, or a stepping stone.

Mar 4, 2010

Remove Obstacles

I have slowed down the frequency of posting lately, only because I am falling behind and find myself racing to catch up with the train. It's been hectic but I am trying to stay centered and 'sane' inspite of everything.
I mentioned before that I have also taken up a course and so I have a couple of assignments to complete on top of the daily normal, usual and the extraordinary stuff that goes on called life.

My first thought today was -   is it  'life is for living' or 'living is for life' ?

Besides that,  I thought to share something interesting I read today from a book by Irvin D Yalom....
We all have the natural human instinct to live life, to grow and develop, to be well, to be happy. 
Therefore we don't need to work so hard at these, we merely need to recognise and remove the obstacles that block our paths and we will easily be on our way to achieving them.

Mar 1, 2010

Sunday Solitude - Free Will & God's Plan.

When I read this passage my thoughts flowed from question to interpretation, .. .. about free will and God's plan, sounds paradoxical but they are intertwined...

Is our destiny planned out? Is anything pre-ordained?
.... I don' t think so. This passage by Jeremiah tells me,  it is not. (Jer 18: 1-10).

God had asked Jeremiah to visit a potter. While there, the vessel that the potter was making came out wrong, and so he began again and shaped it into another vessel. This was a demonstration for Jeremiah , and God said to him,  we are like the clay, and "so you are mine.... Sometimes I announce that I shall uproot, break down... a nation .... but should the nation ... abandon its' wickedness I then change my mind about the disaster....". The reverse is also possible, even if he said that he "would build up a nation", should they displease God,  "I then change my mind about the good which I was intending to confer on it."

This was what struck me - that God changes his mind, because man changes.
While we are part of a master plan, it is a master plan that is always changing. God let's us live with free will to choose which path we will take. Imagine ourselves at the centre of a wheel with many spokes radiating from it.  Each is a different path that we could take by our choices and finish at the end of any one of those (myriads of) paths.   Does God know the outcome?  If God can change his mind, it implies that He does not know our future, neither does he set it. He may not know which path we will take, but I believe he knows what happens down each and every single path (branch or configuration) that is open to us and where each will end, because He knows each of us.

There are teachings and rules to guide us so that we each might choose the right path. But it is our choice to decide how to live.  When we take a wrong path, I believe He attempts to guide and redirect us by means of tragedies and catastrophes, opportunities and by uncontrollable events beyond our own control.

Because we are his (Jer 18:6) 'you are mine', He wants as many of us to be saved. But we have to heed the lessons. His plan for us then, all souls are not created perfect but by living a 'correct' life , we are to become perfect and thus end up in that perfect place at the end of our journey.

Because He knows what goes on in each path and where it ends, and if that path has no branches, it also means that God can take back that life if he sees it will come to no good and there is no hope of change. He can also take a life back when he knows that, that soul is on the right path to light, and that is where it ends, because it is already made perfect.
So for the rest of us still here, there is hope still that we are making our way on that right path and staying on it.

Feb 24, 2010

Endless Work Week - curbing anxieties

I have been a BEEZY bee this week with 2 deadlines back to back so I'm sort of burning the candle at both ends. . . The tension at the office is scary... (what am I doing here.. taking a quick drink ! while the rest go take puffs !)
My son is still at his book, the end(of the book) is near.. I can see it. So that episode will soon be over.  The kids have been getting to bed late too, instead of their usual time because Mummy's late getting home (no I'm NOT upset!).

My endless work week will be over soon, by the end of Friday before I can breathe some again.

I wanted to share something with you
..To keep me going daily, (the ice-cream didn't last too long).. knowing and anticipating everything to happen in this looooong week, I have been either reading or thinking on this little prayer each morning and it has kept me not just going but calm too....  

Do Not Be Anxious

Do not be anxious, said our Lord,
Have peace from day to day-
The lilies neither toil nor spin,
Yet none are clothed as they,
The meadowlark with sweetest song
Fears not for bread or nest
Because he trusts our Father's love
And God knows what is best.

(H S Rice)

Feb 20, 2010

A Day in the Life - An Ice Cream a day....

Coit Tower, Cookie Summit... Chocolate Twist... Minty Delight....... guess where I've been.

It's been a tough week all round, I decided I needed a treat myself  But of course I couldn't just go by myself and 'not take' the kids. Then again, except for my girl, the boys didn't deserve a treat.
So I decided to get them to work for it throughout all of Saturday in order to get ice cream.

Yup.. ok ...let's call it what it is ...I resorted to the oldest trick in the book .. I tried to bribe the kids to be good. ...   (bad bad mummy .. !!) . Hey, sometimes you just have to forget the rulebook and go with you've got. . ... desperation.

Well it worked.
The youngest boy managed to get all his study work done and actually watched very little TV. The second child, well it gets better. He actually spent more time focusing on getting the reading  done - his very difficult classic tale by R L Stevenson for his book review. That was major progress; not much TV and not much gaming time either.

SO, I didn't have that difficult a time today, less nagging and all,  I actually got more of my tasks done.
Thank God for small mercies and ice-cream.

And I must add,  I just enjoyed a good long laugh after reading one blog spilling onto the other.. .if you need a laugh check out Farila's and Betty's latest post.

Have a good weekend.

                            ........Now what do I do for an encore tomorrow ??

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