Weaving a stronger Me

To subsist, to exist or to live life as much as is possible ? 

(I'm reposting this because it echoes my recent post and reminds me that I must keep moving from the path, I have done it before and should keep it in mind not to fall into pattern)

Do I decide or do I let it choose me? 
It's about putting as much into it and getting the best out of it. And it appears so, I have done more than my fair share. And while I keep thinking, isn't that what marriage is? You give it your all.
So now it's time to take it back. Does it work that way?

I can make ends meet.  I'm advised, it's not about greed. It's about satisfaction and demanding your all that you are entitled to.
She makes a good case for me and reminds me 'very diplomatically' that I'm being a shmuck by giving in and thinking that I should settle for less.

It's time to assert.OK. So I'm following her advise and I'm thinking, why do I keep falling back on this pattern.
I have to stop this, I have to stop serving myself short.

I've learnt a few things, 
- Motherhood has it's price and it's compensations and there's no haggling.
- hope and trust can be a weakness each, combined it puts you in a coma.
- courage is something you work at but fear is something that sleeps in you always.
- and that being nice does not get you a good night's sleep.

If life is about balance how are we ever going to find it, if we don't know where the middle is.  

(reposting June15 2011)

The next phase...

Outwardly I am moving forward, I have found an apartment and am now figuring out ways to renovate and refurbish to make it a comfortable home. It will be about 4 months more before I can move in.

In the meantime...
 
The next phase I thinks is called 'coming to terms'. While the paper work says final and all that, deep within the heart of me I suppose there is still grief for the loss. And yet while I tell myself I held on despite of.........I still do feel guilt.

I have been telling myself for the past few month that it is time to go talk to a priest, but is it confession or is it just an outpouring to lighten my burden or to hear him say 'it couldn't be helped or I did what I could do or it was not within my control etc etc..
More afraid is that he would say what I gather from my mother, it is the bed I made, and therefore I should accept it..

I think I would not know where to begin.

At Sunday mass,... do they do it on purpose ?  It is because of what is said during sermons and seminar-invites about keeping the family together that makes this trip quite difficult to let go. I suppose it would work for some who have recourse or where there is some hope.  Would we not avoid it if we could ?  Does anyone go through divorce for a lark ?

It always comes back to this,
if I were to think like a counselor, ' I could not change him so I changed me'
But that didn't help the kids when his behaviour affected them, then how could I not be me for them.

What a tangled web we weave...........

Thoughts on 'suffering' ...getting pass the boulders.

Fellow sufferers, do we forget that we are not alone. I am reminded  after going through the blog sites I follow. We support each other with our words and can anyone deny that IT HELPS.

I have come to accept that life cannot be burden free, that's not the way life is meant to be. But while I accept, I still question, why this way and not another form of suffering. And I will probably still end up with this question even if  I ended up with a different set of problems.  We can't help it, we're not wired to like problems of any kind.

The fact is, it is hard to work through problems, because it exacts a hard toll on the mind and body. And we just want to get pass this boulder that sits in front of us and move on.
Our journey(path) is strewn with many little types of stones and rocks. Many we can skip over and kick out of the way and yet there will be one type that we insist on collecting, holding and adding like rolling clay til it gets bigger and bigger to become a boulder.

I think it's been said by many different teachers on Life, if there was no bad or sadness or emptiness how would we know what is or appreciate even  the good or the happy or the plenty. If there are no ups and downs, life would be dull and we would become complacent and living becomes like stagnant water.
We would not be exercising all parts of the brain as it was created to, and so those unused synapses(or neurons) would just die away and then what would happen? I doubt that adds to survival attributes of the human race.

We each have our own cross to bear and somehow knowing that I am not alone, helps me cope and think that since there must be balance in the world , then we are each doing our part and are not carry more than we should and therefore are easing off the weight from someone else somewhere.
Have you ever considered that ?
That the weight is spread. And like a 'passing the parcel' game, we each must take a turn at holding a burden until such time as it is passed on. Isn't that a hidden message in the way of beliefs, that there is a cycle and balance to life in all aspects, so in happiness and suffering.

So we are not assigned boulders according to our weight, height, temper and smarts, are we?  We choose them.
Some boulders can be prevented from becoming what they are, and some will need hacking with the help of friends to reduce them and some may disappear eventually with divine help or just using our mind to diminish its size.

God did not put us on this earth merely to suffer. It's part of life, and he gave us the tools within us and in others to smooth-en the path -  to be able to live life and find enjoyment too.
It's our choice.

You Can't always have Everything !

Is it possible to have everything you want and be happy ?
I think life is what we make of it BUT God keeps the balance.

The kids constantly lament about unimportant things like why 'I didn't get' perfect eyesight or perfect teeth, 'why didn't God give me more brains, why do I have to study harder than others, why didn't i get straight hair, why they weren't born rich etc etc etc '.

It is difficult for the kids to comprehend when I say that God is always fair or Life is always fair and  'you can't have everything' .  It's difficult for them to get out of the narrow view where they can only see their personal imperfection without being able to look at the many more good things about themselves by comparison.

It's also tough getting them to pay serious attention to the idea that God knows us and sees all,  there is no hiding from him; and we don't always get what we ask for. The question I put back to them - 'do you deserve it' and 'is it good for you'.

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There are many situations when I forget and think too, that others are luckier than me. But I am constantly reminded that nothing stays perfect' and we are given our moments.

I used to think if you have 1 child and that child is perfect, what more could one ask for. You pour all your resources into one lucky child and it pays off well, isn’t that great ?  BUT then I know that no life is perfect and it is forever changing.  
One of my close friends has a son (1 child only by choice), he went to a good school, went abroad to study, came back found a job. BUT my friend recently complained to me ‘he does not want to settle down, he's always out ‘.   I said 'you can’t always have everything !' and she said 'we can only hope', I had to agree.
Ok so maybe I wanted to say GOD is fair !.

Jer 17: 9
" The heart is more devious than any other thing, and is depraved; who can pierce its secrets?
I, Yahweh, search the heart, test the motives, to give each person what his conduct and his actions deserve"