Counting down the days ..

In another 5 days, I will be finally out of this house and ex's face at my back.  There are more than 50 boxes packed up and still a few more before we move. I'm glad I started three weeks ago.  I have mobilized my sister and family to help out on the day of move, mostly where I can't be in two places at one time.

I am looking forward to the 'liberty' of talking freely, of my children talking freely and of us being able to be ourselves without anxiety.   Of course the ex has access to the kids on the alternate weekends and so on, but for the most part, we can move on as we used to before his return and interference for his own motives and my kids can hopefully get back to the track they were on for studies and we can all find some semblance of peace within us and in the home again.

The kids are currently having their term tests and will soon start the 1 week school hols just as we move..

I have confirmed my contractor for the renovations for our new permanent home and I am just finalizing the terms and charges and the design. At least the rental buys me a little more time for the renovation work.  Oh boy, a major step for me to making those types of decisions on furniture and type of tiles... I have a nice little balcony I am hoping to do 'big' things with... excited !!  and I'm still looking for ideas and examples....

Staying in the rental for a couple of months will mean I don't unpack everything just the essentials but well I believe we'll enjoy it for the duration.

Unfortunately work is taking it's toll, I can't afford to take leave, but I am managing and I thank God for the strength and perseverence to keep doing a something everyday no matter how tired - from where they came I have no idea....... probably up above..

I miss the blogs, my regular reads, hope to set up the PC, soon after we move.

Moving right along and falling into place.

I have been gone awhile. Have been busy. And I thank God, things are falling in place.
I am moving out soon with the kids.

I was having a major headache about moving out in time and yet being able to have sufficient time for the renovation of the new apartment to my satisfaction without compromising. Despite the grace period for exit from the current home, the new apartment is just not going to be handed over soon enough.  The timing of the move was in the middle of the kids' exams, can you imagine the disruption. 

At the same time given my ex's neuroticism, I decided the best was for me to exit the house first before him as early as possible to reduce the tension all around. His allegations and threats through the lawyer about 'his' property in the current home is mind boggling, there is no civility in his response to simple requests, insults my lawyer almost as if he is going psycho. He still sits as if in authority and control. My lawyer tells me, to flick it off like a irritating fly and not be perturbed by him or for her.  I cannot begin to describe the sleepless nights and weight of worry.

He is working up to his appeal and his paranoia and interference is getting more frequent and disturbing.

For more than a month I had been searching for short term rental which is tough cos landlords prefer at least 1 year if not 6 months, on top of that I needed to be picky on location that would satisfy the three kids (school - timing, disruption, proximity etc).  And I don't need more than 3 months.

It's working out better than I could have directed myself, we've just got a rental to settle in,  during the short school break and then we'll have plenty of time to move into our new home during the long school break after their exams, and the workmen don't have to rush and I can take my time to get the furnishing.

An unseen hand, yes....

The next phase...

Outwardly I am moving forward, I have found an apartment and am now figuring out ways to renovate and refurbish to make it a comfortable home. It will be about 4 months more before I can move in.

In the meantime...
 
The next phase I thinks is called 'coming to terms'. While the paper work says final and all that, deep within the heart of me I suppose there is still grief for the loss. And yet while I tell myself I held on despite of.........I still do feel guilt.

I have been telling myself for the past few month that it is time to go talk to a priest, but is it confession or is it just an outpouring to lighten my burden or to hear him say 'it couldn't be helped or I did what I could do or it was not within my control etc etc..
More afraid is that he would say what I gather from my mother, it is the bed I made, and therefore I should accept it..

I think I would not know where to begin.

At Sunday mass,... do they do it on purpose ?  It is because of what is said during sermons and seminar-invites about keeping the family together that makes this trip quite difficult to let go. I suppose it would work for some who have recourse or where there is some hope.  Would we not avoid it if we could ?  Does anyone go through divorce for a lark ?

It always comes back to this,
if I were to think like a counselor, ' I could not change him so I changed me'
But that didn't help the kids when his behaviour affected them, then how could I not be me for them.

What a tangled web we weave...........

Gently he leads...

This phrase is so apt, and I know most assuredly, I don't have to worry. Things are going really smoothly, and because they are moving I believe God takes care of those things I have no control over while I do what I can do.
I'm talking about selling the house.

I had been worried that things would get messy and confused with both of us using different realtors trying to handle the sale but it has not been the case because this guy came into the picture.
And I do thank God.

There's this real estate broker who knew us(my ex and I) both from a long way back, and while he is more my ex's friend and associate (and probably the only real friend my ex has left), I think he's a God sent. He has taken care of the sale arrangements and very objectively acts as liaison for the necessary.
Sure he is going to get something out of the sale for himself, but it is his character I read and know. He is a nice family man, mature in his outlook and  draws one's respect.  Because of him, my ex is not making a nuisance of himself (as much) on the house sale either.

I am not a overly religious person but I must say it He is there beside me and my trust in him is all the more.

Soon , these things take time... it's coming, I hope I'll be posting from new home..very soon....

Sorting out Loose ends...

Unfortunately until I am able to sell this house and move out with the kids, I will not see the back of my ex.  My youngest grows impatient waiting for the move. There are a few hurdles to get over and I will have to use the courts again to clear the sale should my ex create more delays and thwart the orders, in the process.

I am advised to push through and I will.

The biggest part is over, I know I can do what needs to be done next. It's a lot of planning and formulating and meeting with the banks and looking at new homes.

Because of the appeal I believe my ex intends to put through, I still am wary although I'm told not to worry. I've seen his actions translate to whining in the past 6 months on paper and while I'm closer to understanding how the courts read this, I am still going to be paranoid as long as he is under the same roof and looking over our shoulders for the slightest incident to twist and spin.

He is still going to try his damndest to be a thorn in my side but I am going to use the courts and the police for the slightest reason that he gives me to ensure he understands I am standing my ground and that he does not intimidate me any longer.

If you have included me in your prayers, please continue cos it 's not over and  peace is the goal for all of us and I thank you.

Finally done....

I thank God that it is over . The kids stay with me for the most part although of course there are the alternate weekends.
I can move forward on getting a new home, what a relief.  The property sale will take at least a few months to settle but  at least we are moving.

Most of it is in my favour. So of course the ex is not happy and he claims he will appeal.

Somehow I am less worried about it, because if he intends to display the same insane behaviour, he's not going to make any progress but rather work against himself.

There are complications as to how I going to tackle the settlements but one step at a time, but I'll weather it. It all depends on his cooperation or otherwise if he hopes to delay because of his appeal. I'll just have to use the judicial system to push it.

Thank you Lord, I can finally move forward.

Just thinking .............

I wrote Keep It Together more than a year ago and as I re-read it I think to myself 'thank God that I have'.

There has been little fair play on the X's part, creating storms of paranoia blowing hot and cold and I have weathered them all thus far. Will he continue? I'll have to wait and see.

Faith has grown deep and my prayer is no longer a wail.  And as I wait the final day I feel a sense of sorrow, not panic (not yet) over all that has gone, all that has been invested, these past 20 years.
There is a change in the children too, a kind of strength that is mature and yet sometimes falters.
But it is more present than it used to be.

Time does heal all wounds in time or at least eases the pain.

What does it really mean for them, is still hard to define.
I wait to move forward.

Welcoming the new..

I'm glad 2011 is over, I would not want to relive it again ever.

I'm looking forward to moving away from the old and tired feelings and thoughts. Christmas and the New Year's eve went by with lots of hugs and greetings and it was 85% peaceful, what more can I ask for.

I'm looking forward to what's to come, lots of challenges but then what does one expect when one is beginning anew. A month more to go before the evil X is out of my hair. I can only pray there are no more surprises.

Here's one new area of interest I started on lately, it's got to do with crystals - vibrations, cleansing energy, healing and so on.... . It's all natural, nothing 'woo hoo' about it or supernatural.  It's not about diamonds or expensive stones: no in fact, many are not that rare and they don't have to b polished to be effective.

A friend had introduced me to the use of certain stones (black tourmaline, Amethyst) which I took on based on my friendship with her. Initially, she did not explain what they were for but merely asked me to place them near me or in certain places and observe and be aware.

I realized I felt less of those feelings of of fatigue. There used to be a sense of knowing and yet not doing or forestalling and even a sleeping sort of wakefulness but since then I have regained a greater sense of  alertness particularly in the house and less of the sluggishness which seems to dog me when I am in the house. I began to understand what my friend was telling me without telling me.
I went to do some research.


All this time I put it down to hormones or age or just work fatigue. So maybe there' is a lot more in the environment around me than my naive mind is willing to consider.

The use of crystals in healing and for protection is grounded in the energy and vibration of the natural earth and it's not a religious concept. So I'm looking at it this way,  prayer and faith are weapons but perhaps for my part I can help this battle on another front with the help of natural aids to enhance protection or block the bad energy.
I'm experimenting, and still reading up on this, it's fun and interesting. There is no harm to come from it, if anything there will be positive contribution. 

 A bountiful 2012 to all, wishing all love and peace.