Why did I not get out?

I was waiting for a miracle. I prayed for help, a way. I suppose in the deepest deepest part of my mind I had this everlasting hope.

choppy waters, rocks aplenty...

But my prayers were not to be answered so easily or too soon. The abuse, the narcissistic behaviour began a long time ago and I suppose another reason for hanging on was the hope that he would mature and change.

But that was not to be even as I carried my first child. I was treated no better or differently. But still I hung on. I am Catholic and as much as I think myself a grade B- quality type of Catholic, deep down my faith mattered , my vows mattered, the sacrament mattered. It would not be right for the kids. So I held on. Was it cowardly?

Imagine having to hold your breathe on your partner's reactions/response to soup that comes out of a familiar can; because that taste too is your responsibility. 90% of the time, nothing is good enough or well done or right ..
I didn't make it worse, I took on the meek role and stayed in the silence which grew longer and longer each time, but I couldn't make it better. Maybe if I kept the peace long enough, he would see?

After the third child, he didn't change for the better, he got more arrogant and his self-esteem did not improve with respect to me, more tyrannical, using the silent treatment permanently on me as his means for punishment and his physical temper emerged more and more frequently.  Sometimes I think he has a brain disease. And still I did not think of getting out. I prayed for wisdom too.

I got the courage to take out the protection order, not for myself but for the kids. When I think back I can't recall what pushed me to take those steps, did I plan did I think it through.... 
Hoping again that he would see (reality) what he had to do (a chance to try to hold this family together) and consequently would shake him and make him realize he needed help and advise for his behavior that was not right; that he would then attempt to salvage us all as a family unit.  But that didn't happen.  I once said that hope can be bad thing,  this is what I meant.

And so I wondered then what was the answer, I got up the courage to take ONE step, was it up to me to take the next and last resort, to break the vows, was that the way ?

But that was not.  In the end, it was he who did it. Why at this time, I can't figure?

But this seems to be that final answer to my problem and repeated prayer.

There are several thoughts that come to mind as I surmise what has passed:
I was meant to have three kids and not stop at one
There is a purpose for their being.
I was meant to take that extra journey of suffering, it made me stronger and to become a different person from the one who started out. My faith is stronger.
I have come to appreciate what normal means in most human natures - my tolerance is that much more for the range of human temperaments as nothing comes remotely close to the evil nature of my ex whom I have had to  survive with all these years.
Perhaps this is where fate is meant to take me.
This is where his guiding spirit led me.  God does not intervene until you give him permission and so he couldn't give me the miracle I asked for.

Strangely calm

Whether it's trust in God or just the belief that there is little more I can do, I realize I have been less anxious and less paranoid over the current events and situation. It's like I have decided I have to leave it in the hands of the high court and know that it will turn out for the best.  I hope it's faith.

My ex has been filling my middle child's head with lies, intimidating the youngest with his growling and sarcasm and pressing for the sale of the house through the lawyers. He is attempting to solve his own problem where the property issues are concerned by addressing half of the ancillary issue to his own benefit without a solution to my own housing issue. While he flings words such as 'putting me on notice' and the 'uncertain property market' prices etc etc there is nothing for it but to wait for the high court to settle it all that includes my issues.

He is either dense or stupid or just plain selfish if he thinks I will give in and put myself at a disadvantage just to take advantage of property prices !  I feel the storm building around him.  He rails at some poor victim over the phone from time to time, I think it's his mother (poor woman),I feels sorry for her, but I am glad he can no longer take out his frustration on me or the kids.

I think he is desperate financially, since he's been attempting to stay in the country to show the court he can work from here rather than have to stay overseas where he has been operating his business for the most part of the last few years.

I know where the kids stand, I hope it's the same place that the court stands.

Wrestling with deeper thoughts

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.   - Saint Francis de Sales

Off and on I think..... what did I do to deserve this kind of torment.  How naive I was to have married such a monster and lived with him for so many years. Was I that wrapped up in work? Did I so successfully ignore the harsh reality that I survived it all this while and continued to do just that 'survive' instead of being  'alive'.

The wake up call to 'un-zombify' came in two hard knocks (think this is what they mean by God shaking the earth under you). One was my retrenchment from an all absorbing job and the other was the increased sociopathic behaviour of the ex. There was an increasing obsession with 'discipline' and a corresponding suffering of the kids which my senses began to grow increasingly troubled with. Did one lead to the other or did my change of situation lead to the blunt awareness.

... this keeps on circling in my thoughts...

I have never thought of myself as a perfect mother, and being a working one perhaps that had been my crutch. I have never been in the position to not have to work, and so now and then I have these feelings of regret and wish I could go back in time to capture more memories with my kids.

The kids have more because of it on one hand but less of me in other ways. It is my loss.
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation  I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....

I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path, they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.

Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum of who I am now is the result of where I have been.  And so I am more able to take on and cope with what is happening now.

feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....

It bugs me that I cannot carry all their burdens,  I can try to anticipate to lighten it.

I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.

Is it because I am a mother that I demand more of myself or is it just me demanding more of me?

What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?



Nine months down the road.... and counting.

It has been nine months since this legal process was started.

But it has been on hindsight, more than 6 years that we have been separated for. I stuck with it to make it work based on HOPE and CHANGE and a whole heap of forgiveness on top of forgiveness.

I've learnt a lot about myself from the perspective of my lawyer who essentially knows everything I have endured, allowed myself to and survived by now.

I prayed for relief and this is the path I  have been led through and will soon see the light at the end. 

I am stronger,  relieved yet not totally.  The children are my foremost concern and yet I  am advised constantly to be happy already and remember the children have a choice. While the children will be in my care, they will still have to endure time with him as is his entitlement. They are less afraid when they are outside in public with him than when they are in the home with him.
Tension still exists because they are uncertain if his supposed reformation is pretense or true from henceforth. How truly relaxed are they, in his presence now. Is it genuine or are they pretending too

Intimidated in my own house
It's like I have few rights of my own and do not have total control over my life, having to constantly look over my shoulders. I mentioned this earlier that I can't chase him out of the house until ancillaries are settled.  And so he has purposely ensconced himself in the house in the last few months after disappearing for most of last couple of years.

To me it's like having a snake in the house. He's been taking pictures of rundown furniture and worn items. To what end? My lawyer says don't bother. But I am bothered. I plan to move out, why spend unnecessarily?  He has taken sudden intensive interest in the studies of the kids.  In his crooked mind, I believe he plans to use them to show that I am not looking after the house properly, that he can do a better job.

I need to apply assertiveness training here for myself.

Processing
I have let my lawyer focus on the material and factual arguments that in her experience is what the judge will look at foremost.   It's the facts that matter and influence.

However I am unsure still. What does a judge look for, how do they look at all this 'I say' and 'you say' stuff.  How much gets taken into account of the character that we each portray.

The X has focused on the material and the physical, made lots of claims without proof.  My concern has been on the emotional and psychological well-being of the kids. I have been researching on similar situations and outcomes for impact and reactions but not much exists as my circumstance arising from of my X's personality (narcissistic and abusive) seems unique.

I have yet to come across anyone with an experience quite like mine, I'm sure there are, and I hope they not only survived but came out better for it.

Tough going and still hanging

I'm still alive and kicking. It's been tough going because the X is playing dirty (rotten). The sands are shifting oh so slowly ....

Not that he will get away I am told, but I am so very bugged by it. It's hard 'acting' like a cold bitch much less being one. He is attempting to intimidate and bully me by his pathetic accusations, mandates on how the household should run or else etc, interruptions into the children's habits and insinuating himself back into the house while the 'ancillaries' are being settled.  Now I know what they mean by heart palpitations.

I have attempted my own healing at facing him down so to speak. The many things we/I used to do when he was home, we now do the opposite to show we are not afraid of him nor are we intimidated by him.  The simple things like grab the remote, take charge of the TV, sit on his favourite chair, speak loudly ...make plans and book the kids for outings before he does.

I've come through some serious realizations over the last months as to how I've been used and fooled big time for the past 10 years. Has my X been plotting since my last child was born? I keep wondering.
And yet by the grace of God, I have kept lots of old documents(here I thought I was not really a horder) that has helped in the facts of my case, paper trails have supported my 'long marriage' arguments to counter the trash my X has come up with to try and rip me off literally and get out of his responsibilities.  He attempts to withhold the kids' passports for all kinds of stupid reasons. There should be a law for this interim harassment... where is it ?

He is ultra 'sweet' with the kids, but they know it's a sham (gives me some satisfaction that they do, I know that's small of me.. but all's fair in love and war..).  And it takes its toll on them too, they keep asking when when will it be over. In the house he makes them nervous but when they are out in public, they worry less.
He has insinuated himself back into the household to help his arguments for care and control of the kids and of course he cannot undo history can he? The passport will tell along with other tell tale signs. I think somewhere along the way his planned strategy has gone awry some. He makes a big show with his Hindu prayers, bells and humms, loud mantra music from the stereo.....every morning.

It's worse than a chess game, at least you know the rules and there is little emotion, here there's a slimy player who's creating his own moves and playing on our emotions which are draining.  Perhaps I should set the IRAS on him, aren't they used to slippery snakes?

The law can't do much for me until the courts definitively decide on the ancillaries, another month or two away.  I can scream and rave if I want, I can call the cops too if I  feel threatened but as long as the house matter is not settled, he can still come and go as he pleases eventhough we are officially divorced. 

Affidavits are strange phenomenons, how much of the 'you say this' and 'I say that' work, facts surely speak up, but how much can you dredge when it's a history of more than 10 years and that's where my X is coming from. The amazing spins he puts on things; he would be a bad fiction writer.  The more I read his stuff, the more I think, he doesn't sound normal and sounds quite narcissistic and I hope the judge gets it.  If my X could say he gave birth to the three kids, he would.

I still have faith, and pray and many a times especially recently in my attempts to fight anger and frustration, I think on the flight from Egypt when the God of Mosses declared his wrath on the Egyptians and I think 'fight for me dear God, .. still waiting for that peace' .

Menace still at large ..

... still in the process.

27 Oct :
 Like the menacing mosquito that hovers, that’s how it felt for a few hours. I return home early today and the hall is deserted and the house is quiet. And I realise he is back.

The boys are in their room doing their own things along with their sister who is usually in the dining room studying.

What does he do, interrogates and questions them to get a feel for their loyalty. The boys responses are unsure or was it. Disappears back to where ever he came from.
He’s gathering points I think to show I am not a perfect mum.

My dad came to check on the kids as usual. He verbally attacks him. Why does he attack my father, why does he question his kindness and care for my kids? Is he jealous or is he afraid that the kids are doing fine without him.

I talked to my dad, he tells me don't worry. I ask if they argued, he says not by his definition, although my husband raised his voice. My husband it seems imagines that the world is conspiring against him. 

What is he afraid of?

He slapped the boys earlier for some excuse (not performing some ritual they are supposed to). What is wrong with him? Like a fix he has to get, the need to kick at someone, what?.

One visit for a few hours and my youngest is stressed again, my daughter is holding her breathe and my middle child, he's frowning, unsure of the innuendos.

Need to get advise.

I'm controlling myself.. I want to scream out loud .
Can I just echo here what my youngest son said - I hate him.

Emotional recoil ...

"It is the emotional recoil that kills you, the shock of stepping off the track of a conventional lifestyle and losing all the embracing comforts that keep so many people on that track forever. To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in society."

Elizabeth Gilbert describes the feeling quite succinctly on why divorce feels like an upheaval. While on the one hand she has hit the nail on the head for most cases, in my case, there is no shock really as I have been moving off the track for a long while now. Ironically, I will finally have continuity.  

It is a derailment of a different sort. My (overly) concern is for the shock of others in my mostly normal conventional family circle and how they might think of it and of me. Do I tell them, the whole sordid tale ?

I constantly tell my kids, stop worrying about what others think, if you are confident that it is right, then it is. What others think will not matter at your finish line.

It’s easier to preach than practice.

Still processing...

I've been searching but can't seem to locate bloggers who have been through the similar experiences that I have or had. I suppose not everyone is able to talk about it or share.  The domestic abuse is one thing but this divorce business is something else.

My sister is very supportive 'good riddance to bad rubbish' and so on.

I get twinges of flashbacks and momentarily wish this nightmare was just that, a nightmare.  Yesterday as I read a book and it came to the scene of a wedding, I saw that moment in my head, when my father walked me down the aisle and it brought tears to my eyes.
There's a pragmatic side that knows this is for the best, the emotional side is just weak, and mourning the waste of years.  My life since marriage has been like a garden gradually overrun by a terrible weed (- that weed being my husband-) I tried for too long. 
How forgiving should one be ? 

I am looking forward to fresh scents, brighter days,  clean air, a smoother road, consistent calm - a peaceful garden for the four of us.

Like my blogs, I shall have to separate memories to store away those moments as they turn up - good, bad and ugly.

Thoughts ..guilt or failure

I have always attached strings to my father’s love. And know that I should not. I do not want to grieve him, and yet I feel I have.

I go about my business and my children’s, there is no story to pour out that has not come out in bits and parts over the past 2 years. It is done for me so I don’t talk about it.
How do I say ‘I don’t want you to worry’ and not get him more worried.

I am reminded, I have made him proud in many ways,
I know he does not fault me in this
and yet
still.

There will always be a part of my brain that remembers my mother's old-fashion thoughts, and that is a problem source. It's there but it doesn't dominate, just rears it's head from time to time.

I had done what I could on my own, I could not lean, I did not want to. That was for me.  Eventually I would have to stand on my own.
I held on for as long as it took.

I am relieved and sad.
 

Time to get Mad...

It's been almost 2 weeks. I am holding it together, better than I expected. I suppose it is about time.

It's time to stop being a fool so I've been advised in very subtle terms. 'Time to make yourself happy' is the advise. I know why it is being said,
Let me get through the process, to get through the process I have to get mad,  worry for the kids first and then I'll see about making myself happy.

I understand.  'Where has compassion, sentiment and non-calculating behaviour gotten' me ? Nothing so it seems.

By taking away all the photos and albums what does he hope to do, think he can lay claim to it all ?

His grandmother (God rest her soul) once said to my mum if I was someone else I would have left him long ago.
She should have said if I was smarter I would have left him long ago.

I know I won't be the first nor the last.. sigh.. why are women(the unlucky ones) such saps !!

Time to move.... (Part 2)

There seems to be a few different descriptions of this type of abuse .. but whatever it is, it is exactly that- abuse. The abuse has cooled almost deliberately, the kids have not forgotten but he is less present so is it. .
For a long while I had wrestled with it, is it a 'grey' area; I received no affirmation from the family services here. As I mentioned before, the system here doesn't  quite work for such 'family problems'.

......................................................................................

The following articles from Suite 101.com describes much of it..... http://www.suite101.com/emotional-verbal-abuse


Emotional domestic violence is the most pervasive form of domestic abuse, yet it can be the hardest to recognize. People who experience emotional domestic abuse don’t have outward signs of abuse like victims of physical domestic violence. Emotional domestic abuse is comprised of belittling talk, constant put-downs or criticism, lying and deceit, name-calling, social isolation, controlling behavior, threats of harm to self or others, blame for actions, and guilt. In many cases, an abusive relationship will escalate from emotional abuse to physical abuse. This is not to say, however, that emotional abuse is not serious in its own right; emotional domestic violence can cause long-lasting trauma.


* Dominance: Abusers want to feel that they are in charge. To achieve this, they often make decisions for themselves and their partners without first consulting. They do not consider the other person’s thoughts or feelings, and simply expect their decisions to be followed without question.  
* Embarrassment: Most abusers shame their partners in the presence of others, thus creating a sense of worthlessness in their victims. This is done deliberately so partners feel incapable of leaving. Thus, insults, name-calling and general disrespect are prevalent in many abusive relationships. Other less obvious tactics include chiding, ridiculing or undermining the victim’s capabilities.
* Separation: Abusers isolate their partners in order to create dependency. They typically keep friends and family away and may even prohibit partners from working or attending social functions. It is not uncommon for victims of emotional abuse to require permission to engage in activities outside of the home.
* Fear: Abusers frequently use fear tactics to push their victims into submission. They may threaten to hurt themselves, their victims, the children or household pets. In addition to verbal threats are intimidating looks and actions intended to signify that they are in charge.
* Blame: Abusers never want their actions named or confronted. To avoid this, they commonly blame their victims for their behavior. In other instances, abusive partners excuse themselves by saying they have a bad job, are experiencing pressure from work or home or do not feel appreciated. In other words, their actions are never their own.


To this end, the emotional state of an abuser often changes without notice. Therefore, he or she may be able to disguise verbal assaults or blanket them with later kindness. This makes the victim feel that he or she may have over-reacted to the initial incident. Thus, a vicious cycle of fear and guilt begins to form within the victim.


Signs of Emotional Abuse
Studies indicate that the after-effects of emotional abuse can be long-lasting and deeply-entrenched. Once they leave an abusive relationship, some women report an inability to trust. Others feel uncomfortable around people and fearful of how they are perceived.

Persons who are in emotionally abusive relationships often experience some of the following emotions:
* fear of their partner* general feelings of helplessness and anxiety
* desire to avoid certain subjects that may upset their partner
* compulsion to concur with their partner on all matters just to maintain peacejavascript:void(0)
* worry that their partner will suddenly become angry

 We are also products of  Narcissistic Personality.   (©1998-2004 by Joanna M. Ashmun.)

Time to move (Part 1)

Entry to Journal1: 30 Aug 2010:

It came this morning, the writ, to the office, my receptionist may have seen it. It was not even in an envelope, but the courier insisted to hand it to me.

Yes I thought evil, why not to the house? Justice will prevail so they say, I hope it does (I'm mad, mad is good, better than mushy).

He is a real ##$ss#, he knows his daughter is doing her exams soon; he chooses to do this now.

Not sure what I feel, there's a kind of loss.....

Not sure who to tell ... running through my head.....

'Let me go see the lawyer first' I thought to myself, take control.... ... my instincts were right ... I guess my heart didn't quite want to follow as quickly...
I feel so tired, I'm telling myself don't give in to this helpless feeling... most importantly I can't let it affect work.
My fren said ' many would stay for the kids... but is that the way to live! kids can adapt as long as you keep communicating, they will understand '.
I suppose it can be but sometimes it is better than the uncertainty of the outcome, .. the outcome has to do with the kids; kids now and 10 yrs from now can be of different minds And I just don't want to leave that window open. So on the one hand I am glad but on the other not really .. yes it means I can move on but for the kids it's another changing stressful chapter......
 
I'm afraid of the process... one step at a time.
I don't trust him .. that adds to it..he is malicious and evil what else can I expect ?

I hope then God is on my side whether he approves of divorce or not !