Why did I not get out?

I was waiting for a miracle. I prayed for help, a way. I suppose in the deepest deepest part of my mind I had this everlasting hope.

choppy waters, rocks aplenty...

But my prayers were not to be answered so easily or too soon. The abuse, the narcissistic behaviour began a long time ago and I suppose another reason for hanging on was the hope that he would mature and change.

But that was not to be even as I carried my first child. I was treated no better or differently. But still I hung on. I am Catholic and as much as I think myself a grade B- quality type of Catholic, deep down my faith mattered , my vows mattered, the sacrament mattered. It would not be right for the kids. So I held on. Was it cowardly?

Imagine having to hold your breathe on your partner's reactions/response to soup that comes out of a familiar can; because that taste too is your responsibility. 90% of the time, nothing is good enough or well done or right ..
I didn't make it worse, I took on the meek role and stayed in the silence which grew longer and longer each time, but I couldn't make it better. Maybe if I kept the peace long enough, he would see?

After the third child, he didn't change for the better, he got more arrogant and his self-esteem did not improve with respect to me, more tyrannical, using the silent treatment permanently on me as his means for punishment and his physical temper emerged more and more frequently.  Sometimes I think he has a brain disease. And still I did not think of getting out. I prayed for wisdom too.

I got the courage to take out the protection order, not for myself but for the kids. When I think back I can't recall what pushed me to take those steps, did I plan did I think it through.... 
Hoping again that he would see (reality) what he had to do (a chance to try to hold this family together) and consequently would shake him and make him realize he needed help and advise for his behavior that was not right; that he would then attempt to salvage us all as a family unit.  But that didn't happen.  I once said that hope can be bad thing,  this is what I meant.

And so I wondered then what was the answer, I got up the courage to take ONE step, was it up to me to take the next and last resort, to break the vows, was that the way ?

But that was not.  In the end, it was he who did it. Why at this time, I can't figure?

But this seems to be that final answer to my problem and repeated prayer.

There are several thoughts that come to mind as I surmise what has passed:
I was meant to have three kids and not stop at one
There is a purpose for their being.
I was meant to take that extra journey of suffering, it made me stronger and to become a different person from the one who started out. My faith is stronger.
I have come to appreciate what normal means in most human natures - my tolerance is that much more for the range of human temperaments as nothing comes remotely close to the evil nature of my ex whom I have had to  survive with all these years.
Perhaps this is where fate is meant to take me.
This is where his guiding spirit led me.  God does not intervene until you give him permission and so he couldn't give me the miracle I asked for.

Strangely calm

Whether it's trust in God or just the belief that there is little more I can do, I realize I have been less anxious and less paranoid over the current events and situation. It's like I have decided I have to leave it in the hands of the high court and know that it will turn out for the best.  I hope it's faith.

My ex has been filling my middle child's head with lies, intimidating the youngest with his growling and sarcasm and pressing for the sale of the house through the lawyers. He is attempting to solve his own problem where the property issues are concerned by addressing half of the ancillary issue to his own benefit without a solution to my own housing issue. While he flings words such as 'putting me on notice' and the 'uncertain property market' prices etc etc there is nothing for it but to wait for the high court to settle it all that includes my issues.

He is either dense or stupid or just plain selfish if he thinks I will give in and put myself at a disadvantage just to take advantage of property prices !  I feel the storm building around him.  He rails at some poor victim over the phone from time to time, I think it's his mother (poor woman),I feels sorry for her, but I am glad he can no longer take out his frustration on me or the kids.

I think he is desperate financially, since he's been attempting to stay in the country to show the court he can work from here rather than have to stay overseas where he has been operating his business for the most part of the last few years.

I know where the kids stand, I hope it's the same place that the court stands.

Putting out fires

Sometimes I want to just shy away from the fight, to leave things be (hope for the best) and wish somebody else will fight my problems for me.  I have never been good at confrontations, perhaps a consequence of my strange marriage experience which keeps me running back to the corner now and then, (thank God it happens less frequently).

The ex  now appears to be drawing the kids' teachers into his battle plan. But not all of them, he picks the weaker child or the weaker subject and uses that to his advantage. He had gone to see a none-too favourite teacher of my youngest boy and since then, my son had been behaving antsy, in fits and starts I would hear strange statements made by this teacher through my son. And my first thought was 'no way, the  ex is not going to use a teacher to continue his bullying for him, and if this teacher is dumb enough to be influenced on heresay, then he deserves to be reported'. Then I thought about it and decided I would not jump the gun, I would go corner him and find out exactly his view of the situation, to see how his inclinations swayed.

I hate confrontations, eventhough this was not quite that, but it had to be done for my son's sake. After all, teachers have been instructed specifically to stay clear of family issues and ensure the child's well-being.
I gave him a surface 'lay of the land' and expressed my concerns as to the changes (negative) in my son's behaviour, considering that all seemed to be as well as could be in the past (same teacher for this subject) until recently (when my ex began to involve himself in the children's school and their study). The teacher went on about his methods and his wishes for the students and so on. I told him that was all good and fine until he used the word discipline. 'Discipline' is my ex's favourite excuse for his past abuse of the children. And when that word came up, I looked him in the eyes and said that sure it is important, but a child must also want to do it (persuaded to do so for the right reasons).

I did not wish to give him the full background just enough for him to understand, that the child dwells currently in a hostile environment,  that he(teacher) needed to watch where he tread, as there was a lot more than just a divorce affecting the child and I did not want my son retreating backwards dreading old experiences (before the protection order was applied).

The teacher must have gotten the idea, as he hastily seemed to assure me that he would certainly not touch on family situations but ensure the child's well-being where school matters are concerned, taking into account my concerns.

How do I protect them?

Since my post on Scheming or Caring, it's been more than a week and I don't think it's helping, because his old habits are still in him.

My instincts tell me that my youngest is going haywire and reverting back to the way he used to feel. While my Ex cannot use threats or the cane he still ignites fear; his presence makes them tense and they seem pressured over their homework and school stuff.
They are still afraid of his reactions to anything and everything. That's an old fear, eventhough this time round, the consequences are not what they used to be before.
But still so afraid.

There can be a irrationality about him(ex), and now I see/hear less,  I don't know how he speaks to the boys(he does more of that when I'm not around or within my oldest's hearing and how it makes them feel.  Is he exercising his narcissistic authority and 'power'(not physical but mental) in other ways, and is it being directed against the youngest boy now?
My youngest is starting to withdraw again, keeping away from his friends and acting 'more hyper'.

I can't seem to reassure them enough that things will work out, and until that time comes, I can only pray that God spares their anxieties.

It's emotional abuse and an even finer line. How do I make anyone understand?

Rant -the system sucks but perhaps not totally!

When I began writing this post a few days ago, I had titled it 'the system sucks'. But today I'm changing it  because it may not be, totally.
Sometime back when I let on of what I went through with the family services system, I said it sucked when it comes to dealing with abuse of the non-black and blue kind. That's what it means,  the only way you get your problem addressed is only when one gets beaten and has broken bones and bruises to show for it.
Well it almost appears the same in the process of a divorce where the husband is a narcissistic control freak, and you are not allowed to restrict him from the house or the kids until all issues are settled . And unless there is some form of physical violence, I can't do anything.

It seems like while in the process of divorce and property issue is still not settled, the EX can still sit in the house and intimidate and cause mischief. And he has begun his games. He has an alternate place to stay which was where he spent the better part of the last two years, before plotting his divorce plan. 8 months after that he moves back into the house to boost his claims position.

And so after the sneaking around the house, 'interviewing' the kids and looking for faults to bolster his affidavit, he now moves to the next phase while we wait for a Court date.
Can he claim his personal property is damaged or stolen.  Where do I draw the line?  The problem is there is lots of spaces in the house I cannot lock because the house, cupboards, doors just were made that way. How do I stop him from coming into my space ? Is there such a thing as personal property in the house or personal space. Is it that easy for him to use the system to his own end. He's trying his damdest to cause embarrassment. And now he wants to drag the kids into his crap pot.

The police explain they will conduct a fair investigation but at the same time after understanding the full scenario of the situation (that we are divorced and his is a hostile presence in the house), there are  complications due to the issue of defining personal property in the present situation and secondly is there a basis for accusation as the property in question may or may not be family property and furthermore was left in a family used space.  I left them to form their own conclusion when I informed them that he had lodged this report in time to be used in his last affidavit, that was why I was aware of it.
So the police are not totally clueless and they were not taking his word totally, hence my 'perhaps not totally'.

In answer to my question, there is no such thing as his private space in the house.
My fear is that that this gives him a license to create more trouble. And I was assured some, that if this were the case, he would be taken to task for attempting to abuse the system. What of the stuff he seemingly bought for the kids (entertainment console) is that his or the kids?

I want him to get out of the house and take his 'personal property' with him to avoid such problems.
I have been asking the question 'what are my rights in the house' and have not been able to get a straight answer.  We are divorced officially and yet I can't kick him out of the house because the house is considered matrimonial property.

I know exactly how that feels !

Feels like I'm going around in circles, loosing hair and sleep. I believe it's his tactic of wearing me down.

Sometimes I think to hell with it and him, stop getting defensive and letting him yank my chain. But I can't seem to stick to that programme. I am getting the hang of it but I can do better.
Gonna have to grit my teeth and bear it until it is settled legally and PRAY to God that he doesn't get away with or cause more mischief.

I had attempted to lock my room door once, earlier this year after he started threatening my housekeeper (she refused to spy for him) but could not legally stop him why because he still has clothes in the room. I supposes my lawyer was not as alert to this fact but what it means is I should have made an issue of his stuff then when the divorce was official a few months ago.

The police cannot do anything until he assaults me. If life were so simple.