Why did I not get out?

I was waiting for a miracle. I prayed for help, a way. I suppose in the deepest deepest part of my mind I had this everlasting hope.

choppy waters, rocks aplenty...

But my prayers were not to be answered so easily or too soon. The abuse, the narcissistic behaviour began a long time ago and I suppose another reason for hanging on was the hope that he would mature and change.

But that was not to be even as I carried my first child. I was treated no better or differently. But still I hung on. I am Catholic and as much as I think myself a grade B- quality type of Catholic, deep down my faith mattered , my vows mattered, the sacrament mattered. It would not be right for the kids. So I held on. Was it cowardly?

Imagine having to hold your breathe on your partner's reactions/response to soup that comes out of a familiar can; because that taste too is your responsibility. 90% of the time, nothing is good enough or well done or right ..
I didn't make it worse, I took on the meek role and stayed in the silence which grew longer and longer each time, but I couldn't make it better. Maybe if I kept the peace long enough, he would see?

After the third child, he didn't change for the better, he got more arrogant and his self-esteem did not improve with respect to me, more tyrannical, using the silent treatment permanently on me as his means for punishment and his physical temper emerged more and more frequently.  Sometimes I think he has a brain disease. And still I did not think of getting out. I prayed for wisdom too.

I got the courage to take out the protection order, not for myself but for the kids. When I think back I can't recall what pushed me to take those steps, did I plan did I think it through.... 
Hoping again that he would see (reality) what he had to do (a chance to try to hold this family together) and consequently would shake him and make him realize he needed help and advise for his behavior that was not right; that he would then attempt to salvage us all as a family unit.  But that didn't happen.  I once said that hope can be bad thing,  this is what I meant.

And so I wondered then what was the answer, I got up the courage to take ONE step, was it up to me to take the next and last resort, to break the vows, was that the way ?

But that was not.  In the end, it was he who did it. Why at this time, I can't figure?

But this seems to be that final answer to my problem and repeated prayer.

There are several thoughts that come to mind as I surmise what has passed:
I was meant to have three kids and not stop at one
There is a purpose for their being.
I was meant to take that extra journey of suffering, it made me stronger and to become a different person from the one who started out. My faith is stronger.
I have come to appreciate what normal means in most human natures - my tolerance is that much more for the range of human temperaments as nothing comes remotely close to the evil nature of my ex whom I have had to  survive with all these years.
Perhaps this is where fate is meant to take me.
This is where his guiding spirit led me.  God does not intervene until you give him permission and so he couldn't give me the miracle I asked for.

Wrestling with deeper thoughts

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.   - Saint Francis de Sales

Off and on I think..... what did I do to deserve this kind of torment.  How naive I was to have married such a monster and lived with him for so many years. Was I that wrapped up in work? Did I so successfully ignore the harsh reality that I survived it all this while and continued to do just that 'survive' instead of being  'alive'.

The wake up call to 'un-zombify' came in two hard knocks (think this is what they mean by God shaking the earth under you). One was my retrenchment from an all absorbing job and the other was the increased sociopathic behaviour of the ex. There was an increasing obsession with 'discipline' and a corresponding suffering of the kids which my senses began to grow increasingly troubled with. Did one lead to the other or did my change of situation lead to the blunt awareness.

... this keeps on circling in my thoughts...

I have never thought of myself as a perfect mother, and being a working one perhaps that had been my crutch. I have never been in the position to not have to work, and so now and then I have these feelings of regret and wish I could go back in time to capture more memories with my kids.

The kids have more because of it on one hand but less of me in other ways. It is my loss.
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation  I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....

I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path, they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.

Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum of who I am now is the result of where I have been.  And so I am more able to take on and cope with what is happening now.

feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....

It bugs me that I cannot carry all their burdens,  I can try to anticipate to lighten it.

I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.

Is it because I am a mother that I demand more of myself or is it just me demanding more of me?

What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?



Body and mind.. pushing ahead

"The unconscious mind picks up body language even when we are not consciously aware that it may be threatening." (http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage-counseling.com/articles/abuse/yelling.html) - Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, PhD.

And because we remember those reflexes long after ...our bodies react the same way from before when threat was imminent.
Because the X is ultra sweet and ultra rational, the kids are less afraid but
as I have learnt from my child, the fear is not totally erased. Our minds and bodies still remember. There is still that ‘take flight’ response in us.

Why do I allow myself to be bullied?
I have come so far and still, I allow him this power over me.
Feeling afraid and feeling defensive to his verbal attacks and accusations.
I know I must take hold of my thoughts.
Break out of it, be aware always, in my mind.

I have been taking little steps to fight back, to take back that 'space' that I have ‘given way’; to take control where I can to face up to him; to stand up to his antics
and show him that I am no longer afraid of him; to assert but not in the usual communication form but by bringing myself forward visibly and audibly. And I can tell he is not happy (more and more, he raves and rants with either his lawyer or some person on the mobile, call me all sorts of names). But he maintains absolutely calm with the kids.

Logically I know it, but it’s not the same as having fully accepted or internalized the belief. But currently, I still am learning that he has no power over me. He uses accusations, and demands and the children to intimidate- interferes to disrupt(their peace) to exercise his power. It still affects me and my first response is ‘flight’ still. So I am dealing with it and this process (no matter how much I hate it and wish for it to be over)which started a while back, seems to be a necessary part of my journey.

The life we have is the path we choose

I found a couple of old diaries I had kept and realize my stint in the school of gullible idiocy began way back, stemmed mostly from the insecurities of a sheltered childhood.

There's nothing for it but to know and be glad that I grew up.

I am now getting away from the biggest evil of my life and soon that part will be over.

As I go through this stage, I learn that fear is never really gone, it visits now and again when you are most vulnerable. And what makes you vulnerable, one's children.

I am advised that the children are old enough, I should not worry.

So the question I pose, 'what is the choice to make', seems simple
- to be happy or to worry,
- to live in certainty or volatility


but is it?

Time to learn

"How suppressed am I, when I cannot bring myself to throw things.."

It's time to start learning new stuff....
- first make sure you know where the fuse box is and what switch is for where.
- how to change a fluorescent tube and figure what the starter is. and how it looks
- time to figure out that different bulbs have different wattage - and some slide in and some screw on ..
- how to change the plug if wiring gets shot (.. is it the green or, red or was it the earth wire ??)
- how to change the bathroom hose 
- to to fix a leaky pipe if it can be done without the plumber ... ?? what's a faucet
- how to screw back a hinge on a cupboard door that's coming apart
- how to bang a nail into the wall ( or drill ??) - there are apparently some types of materials you don't just knock a nail in, not unless you like the look of spider web cracks
- how to buy the right size furniture and practical one too .. not just because the design is pretty...


I gave birth to three children,  SO
I can do these ...

I think !


anyone know the number of a good, handy, handyman ?