Showing posts with label Living. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Living. Show all posts

Apr 29, 2013

Coping with ........

As I tried to title this post I was trying to figure, what am I coping with ?
There are just too many areas.

First I thought 'school', the kids timetable and their or my or the schools' push towards academic performance is taking it's toll. Yes exams are around the corner. Exams always seem to be around the corner.

Dealing with the ex is no longer a problem directly but dealing with his antics through playing with the kids'head is another kind of problem. I am learning how to deal with that too, unfortunately I can't say the same for the kids who are neither too young or too old.  You can't force courage or grow it when the fear never really went away and strength never had the opportunity to take root. My ex can't seem to think first for the goodness of his kids except his own selfish end. To him, it's still about winning the game and that means using the kids.
In this instance I think prayer is the only strategy and everyday I strive to keep the kids going at what is important for them.

Then there is work. Does such a thing exist, work-life balance?.  No job is stable today, perhaps if you work in the public sector. Dissatisfaction is one thing, but holding on to it and making it work does not help when the economy is so volatile.
Inflation used to be subtle and silent, but today it's the opposite and so tangible that you hear and feel it constantly when you shop for basics or have a simple meal.

Besides that I've been thinking of moving out of my sector to something more worthwhile but that's difficult at my age too.

So we plod on and make whatever works work.
My mind is constantly racing even when I try to do something restful and calming, there's always something to worry about, to plan for, to frown about and just so little to smile about.

It's hard to just throw caution to the wind.

No I'm not feeling melancholy, just low on faith and irritated by all these bumps along the road.

Nov 21, 2012

Fresh views and new beginnings

“She isn't crying, but I figure that's only a matter of time.  Scars are just a treasure map for pain you've buried too deep to remember.”   Edward's thoughts on Georgie. - Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult.
Started reading again...
I've FINALLY moved and the unpacking is almost's been a week and a half....things are settling.. Most of the furniture is in.

The kids love their rooms, the view of the park is great, quiet neighbours and my collection of potted plants is picking up..

Can't wait to get back to some of my old routines.. (this is one of them).. so tired of looking at furniture !!.

The monsoon season is starting, Christmas is coming on in a hurry...


Dec 23, 2011

A new Christmas feeling...

The chaos within me has abated,  I am adapting and learning to deal with the conflicts and the anxiety of having my children's time monopolized and manipulated by my ex.  The kids are old enough, they make their own choices.  The final decisions will not be made for another month and a half and I am abiding my time.. I have stopped being and feeling defensive to my ex's whining (through his lawyer). The main  thing I focus on is what is in the child's interest. I'll do what I need to do then, if it's not.

Now and then, the anger leaks in and I have a momentary lapse of wanting to lash out but it's under control. I've put him and his shenanigans out of my mind. After this year, I have come to realise I depend on him for nothing that is necessary.

Patience, humility, tolerance .. these run top of  mind and that seems to help alot but forgiveness, that's not possible yet. I trust that truth will win out.

This Christmas is a new beginning for me. More than ever, I appreciate the family I have and the love that we share and I am grateful to God for his many blessings and lessons.

I wish all bloggers and readers a beautiful Christmas peace and a good New Year ahead.

Nov 15, 2011

A Self reflection; learning to live honestly

The last quarter always sees more family occasions. I realize recently that my attitude to attending events that bring me in closer contact with relatives has changed and for the better – I'm less apprehensive and less calculating in my thoughts of what might be asked and how I might respond where my ex is concerned.

They must have noticed his absence from social functions for many years now. Not strange then, they have stopped asking me about it or him. 
I feel more open in my thoughts, there is less or hardly that sense of being imperfect or defensiveness  that I used to ‘arm ‘ myself with when going to these family affairs.
I suppose it would be called coming to terms with what has always been and what it will be and what it actually is today.

I want to be the person in charge of me again.

Who am I or was I trying to satisfy, why pretend?

Society is not perfect and as I sat in the living room of my brother's in-laws and the families a couple of weeks ago, I thought, everyone has issues,  I don't judge them, why should they judge me.

Why do we love ourselves less and not see our weakness as our humanness that is forgivable by God and yet not by ourselves? Do we set higher standards for being who we should be?

Sep 28, 2011

Wednesday Solitude: Working on defects

There were two reflections that stayed stuck to me this past week and seemed to follow me, entering my mind at the oddest times and places.
I have been worrying additionally as events are coming to a head soon, I suppose one leads to the other....

1. A reflection from the 25th week Friday encourages us to be more present, to make good use of the time that is now and not think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow. Essentially offer only the present moment to God and fill it with your worth.

Mat 6:34 "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day"
Ecc 11:4 "He who observes the wind will not sow; and he who regards the clouds will not reap"

2. In a reflection of 26th week Tuesday reading,  I am reminded of CS Lewis's Screwtape's letters, in that our defects are our weakest points through which temptation enters. 
The apostles themselves I am reminded were not perfect and Christ was patient and taught them. I am encouraged.
Somewhere in the reflection it goes "progress in our life of piety depends a good deal on our recognition and understanding of our dominant defect.  This is the defect which has the biggest influence on our behaviour and thinking."

So it's not the same for you and me, I will have to find my own path to holiness by working on that defect and strengthening the interior life.

Sep 26, 2011

Is the World spinning faster ?

Where did the time go? In a blink, I can't believe it. 
Only a quarter of the year to go, September is soon ending. 
While I walked was I unconscious
through months, days, hours, only to realize I'm here now. 
I still recall the beginning of the year
thinking 'it's going to be a long year' 
and yet here I am now. 
Work and kids are consuming but Troubles are too, 
that's where Time went flying, into a black hole of distraction. 
Can I slow it down? 
But then it has not been a good year, so let it fly, next year will be better. 
I'll have to attempt to be more present. 
When I think back, read what is written, lived through, had created along that way, 
I am quite glad; there are fruits and flowers, it's not all barren or sad. 
There are footprints too, not mine alone.
Where did time go?

Aug 17, 2011


I stepped out this morning
the earth smelt fresh, washed,
very little was stirring
even the sun seemed abashed,
hidden behind veils of white,
not a human sound
nor one in sight.

Then, further down the road,
an engine, a gnawing drone
dogs awaken in their abode
I am no longer alone.

The newspaper arrives,
hear the barks come alive.

What news brings the day
houses rouse, raps and thuds,
a cool breeze whispers, leaves sway,
alone, me and my thoughts.

(HA 08/11)

Nov 25, 2010

Reflecting: I want to put it in the past.

Some of you have an idea but some of you don’t quite know what, just that something is not right in my life. But it doesn’t really matter.
Only that you seem to be there still following my thoughts which lately seem to be as depressing as 'Wuthering Heights'. I thank you for sticking.

There are lots of victims with their stories and each seems to seek solace or answers or help others or just find relief in the telling. I’m not sure what my telling does for anyone. Affirmation, validation I suppose that is why it all began. I was seeking for those in my first blog.  In this my second blog, it’s about recovery and struggle to put myself back together again.

I had not dwelled on being a victim. In my mind I do not want to be one. I just want to get passed it. I began writing about it, because I forgot the incidents and details. Am I so forgiving, or is that what they call nature’s defense mechanism against the problem.
The problem:description  [from previous posts and links with the article on emotional abuse and 'fear to strength'] comes close to a partial representation, add being products of a narcissistic husband and father. No sympathies please.

For myself I realized I cannot remember alot of it, even some of the most horrible showdowns I faced. I had written about some of the situations in the past, here and there on paper (past 20 years), in a notebook ..but not everything , and there is still a missing diary somewhere, I wish I had written more. I suppose it is not surprising that my older son too cannot remember the scariest moment of his life but I remember.

I have learnt that in the writing of it and the record of it especially over the last 2 years(and re-reading),  the reality and frequency and horror of the situations, has helped me acknowledge that we are victims, I am a victim.
Do I have to do more to accept it?  Am I done with it. It has taught me a lot about me. It has taught me what I should not be.  I need to stop second guessing my actions to protect us.

I want to MOVE ON.

Oct 24, 2010

Time to learn

"How suppressed am I, when I cannot bring myself to throw things.."

It's time to start learning new stuff....
- first make sure you know where the fuse box is and what switch is for where.
- how to change a fluorescent tube and figure what the starter is. and how it looks
- time to figure out that different bulbs have different wattage - and some slide in and some screw on ..
- how to change the plug if wiring gets shot (.. is it the green or, red or was it the earth wire ??)
- how to change the bathroom hose 
- to to fix a leaky pipe if it can be done without the plumber ... ?? what's a faucet
- how to screw back a hinge on a cupboard door that's coming apart
- how to bang a nail into the wall ( or drill ??) - there are apparently some types of materials you don't just knock a nail in, not unless you like the look of spider web cracks
- how to buy the right size furniture and practical one too .. not just because the design is pretty...

I gave birth to three children,  SO
I can do these ...

I think !

anyone know the number of a good, handy, handyman ?

Oct 14, 2010

Still processing...

I've been searching but can't seem to locate bloggers who have been through the similar experiences that I have or had. I suppose not everyone is able to talk about it or share.  The domestic abuse is one thing but this divorce business is something else.

My sister is very supportive 'good riddance to bad rubbish' and so on.

I get twinges of flashbacks and momentarily wish this nightmare was just that, a nightmare.  Yesterday as I read a book and it came to the scene of a wedding, I saw that moment in my head, when my father walked me down the aisle and it brought tears to my eyes.
There's a pragmatic side that knows this is for the best, the emotional side is just weak, and mourning the waste of years.  My life since marriage has been like a garden gradually overrun by a terrible weed (- that weed being my husband-) I tried for too long. 
How forgiving should one be ? 

I am looking forward to fresh scents, brighter days,  clean air, a smoother road, consistent calm - a peaceful garden for the four of us.

Like my blogs, I shall have to separate memories to store away those moments as they turn up - good, bad and ugly.

Oct 2, 2010

Most traveled road

...  from the last verse of Robert Frost's poem....
'The Road less taken. '..

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 
but when I look back, it is the road most traveled that I took and landed up here..

Sep 10, 2010

Time to get Mad...

It's been almost 2 weeks. I am holding it together, better than I expected. I suppose it is about time.

It's time to stop being a fool so I've been advised in very subtle terms. 'Time to make yourself happy' is the advise. I know why it is being said,
Let me get through the process, to get through the process I have to get mad,  worry for the kids first and then I'll see about making myself happy.

I understand.  'Where has compassion, sentiment and non-calculating behaviour gotten' me ? Nothing so it seems.

By taking away all the photos and albums what does he hope to do, think he can lay claim to it all ?

His grandmother (God rest her soul) once said to my mum if I was someone else I would have left him long ago.
She should have said if I was smarter I would have left him long ago.

I know I won't be the first nor the last.. sigh.. why are women(the unlucky ones) such saps !!

Sep 1, 2010

Time to move.... (Part 2)

There seems to be a few different descriptions of this type of abuse .. but whatever it is, it is exactly that- abuse. The abuse has cooled almost deliberately, the kids have not forgotten but he is less present so is it. .
For a long while I had wrestled with it, is it a 'grey' area; I received no affirmation from the family services here. As I mentioned before, the system here doesn't  quite work for such 'family problems'.

The following articles from Suite describes much of it.....

Emotional domestic violence is the most pervasive form of domestic abuse, yet it can be the hardest to recognize. People who experience emotional domestic abuse don’t have outward signs of abuse like victims of physical domestic violence. Emotional domestic abuse is comprised of belittling talk, constant put-downs or criticism, lying and deceit, name-calling, social isolation, controlling behavior, threats of harm to self or others, blame for actions, and guilt. In many cases, an abusive relationship will escalate from emotional abuse to physical abuse. This is not to say, however, that emotional abuse is not serious in its own right; emotional domestic violence can cause long-lasting trauma.

* Dominance: Abusers want to feel that they are in charge. To achieve this, they often make decisions for themselves and their partners without first consulting. They do not consider the other person’s thoughts or feelings, and simply expect their decisions to be followed without question.  
* Embarrassment: Most abusers shame their partners in the presence of others, thus creating a sense of worthlessness in their victims. This is done deliberately so partners feel incapable of leaving. Thus, insults, name-calling and general disrespect are prevalent in many abusive relationships. Other less obvious tactics include chiding, ridiculing or undermining the victim’s capabilities.
* Separation: Abusers isolate their partners in order to create dependency. They typically keep friends and family away and may even prohibit partners from working or attending social functions. It is not uncommon for victims of emotional abuse to require permission to engage in activities outside of the home.
* Fear: Abusers frequently use fear tactics to push their victims into submission. They may threaten to hurt themselves, their victims, the children or household pets. In addition to verbal threats are intimidating looks and actions intended to signify that they are in charge.
* Blame: Abusers never want their actions named or confronted. To avoid this, they commonly blame their victims for their behavior. In other instances, abusive partners excuse themselves by saying they have a bad job, are experiencing pressure from work or home or do not feel appreciated. In other words, their actions are never their own.

To this end, the emotional state of an abuser often changes without notice. Therefore, he or she may be able to disguise verbal assaults or blanket them with later kindness. This makes the victim feel that he or she may have over-reacted to the initial incident. Thus, a vicious cycle of fear and guilt begins to form within the victim.

Signs of Emotional Abuse
Studies indicate that the after-effects of emotional abuse can be long-lasting and deeply-entrenched. Once they leave an abusive relationship, some women report an inability to trust. Others feel uncomfortable around people and fearful of how they are perceived.

Persons who are in emotionally abusive relationships often experience some of the following emotions:
* fear of their partner* general feelings of helplessness and anxiety
* desire to avoid certain subjects that may upset their partner
* compulsion to concur with their partner on all matters just to maintain peacejavascript:void(0)
* worry that their partner will suddenly become angry

 We are also products of  Narcissistic Personality.   (©1998-2004 by Joanna M. Ashmun.)

Aug 31, 2010

Time to move (Part 1)

Entry to Journal1: 30 Aug 2010:

It came this morning, the writ, to the office, my receptionist may have seen it. It was not even in an envelope, but the courier insisted to hand it to me.

Yes I thought evil, why not to the house? Justice will prevail so they say, I hope it does (I'm mad, mad is good, better than mushy).

He is a real ##$ss#, he knows his daughter is doing her exams soon; he chooses to do this now.

Not sure what I feel, there's a kind of loss.....

Not sure who to tell ... running through my head.....

'Let me go see the lawyer first' I thought to myself, take control.... ... my instincts were right ... I guess my heart didn't quite want to follow as quickly...
I feel so tired, I'm telling myself don't give in to this helpless feeling... most importantly I can't let it affect work.
My fren said ' many would stay for the kids... but is that the way to live! kids can adapt as long as you keep communicating, they will understand '.
I suppose it can be but sometimes it is better than the uncertainty of the outcome, .. the outcome has to do with the kids; kids now and 10 yrs from now can be of different minds And I just don't want to leave that window open. So on the one hand I am glad but on the other not really .. yes it means I can move on but for the kids it's another changing stressful chapter......

I'm afraid of the process... one step at a time.
I don't trust him .. that adds to it..he is malicious and evil what else can I expect ?

I hope then God is on my side whether he approves of divorce or not !

Jul 19, 2010

Slow healing - my own way

Is there a formula for healing? I think not. 
The steps are different each time for everyone.

'Pray always, ask God for guidance and peace'...
Sage advice, yes, I kept up the prayer and I followed the bible passages but I realised 'I am not thinking further or moving '. They gave me comfort and calm and they helped me accomplish that first phase but now I'm not sure to where or what I need, to move forward, the answers are not forthcoming. 

Perhaps the answers or the inspiration to move on are not to be found there now but has to come from elsewhere, from myself, or from the kids or from an action or experience.

There is still cause for anxiety, but I'm no longer frozen, it's been a year, I need to work the emotional and the self independence, push on, stop waiting for the unknown.  

I'm not saying I've cut off my faith or anything like that, just that faith now has a different role to play.
God still has a place but not as my crutch. 

Jun 28, 2010

The mind of a 9 year old....

Lately I've been trying to deal with some issues that my youngest son seems to have developed.
He's more mature for his age, thinks more about the burdens of life as a child as opposed to just enjoying.

He is hyper, I believe I have mentioned it before. When he plays he forgets, but when he stops playing all manner of 'worries' seem to creep into his head- mostly the stuff that he does not like to do. And those things seem to weigh down on him. He uses the word 'stress' easily when he actually means he is angry at being forced to do them - simple things like doing some written work particularly the 2nd language, his brother's put down, curbing his play time or has unfinished homework that worries..
Boredom builds fast for him so he constantly needs to be occupied but within the occupation he soon looses interest too. It's hard to keep his mind on a non-action subject for long.

So one I've been giving him examples of more stressful possibilities that have/ could have occurred in our lives to define what stress really could be (he understands that better than most [glad he seems to have forgotten];and two, I have also been trying to get him to understand that he needs to mend his attitude otherwise he's not going to be able to cope with what he calls life and will always have this problem because others are not giving him his freedom. His expectations seem more complicated for a child.

I have to keep at it for it to work. ................       .so many little things to keep at ...

How do you explain what the job of a kid is to a kid?

Jun 23, 2010

Revising my Lease on life

I made mistakes and that is what I should learn from rather than try to forget them. When I think of them, I think, why was I so naive, I wish I had been more mature and had been more exposed to see the bad and recognize the abnormal and be less forgiving.

Now it's easier, I remember but have stopped dwelling on it in an oppressive obsessive way. It's time to go past that. I can't undo the past that has led to the here and now, nor wish it away because there's too much there to change, and much I don't wish to change.

These are what I can't share openly and that is why I have this blog. It is the negative expressions, the heavy hearted-ness of thought that are poured out here. Call these my troubled pages. While I might be ready to share some and reveal more of that sad existence with the adults of my circle,  I don't think the kids are ready for the reception of the knowing by relatives or cousins, aunts and uncles whether it is in sympathy or not.

When I started this blog, it was part of the healing, I suppose I am on my way to a new (or revised) lease on life.
All who know me(outside blog land) only see the shiny side of me and the optimist (only my dad knows my 'not so ordinary' troubles). I say 'not ordinary' because this concept of trouble would be quite alien to the normal persons I know.  They don't ask anymore where my husband is or why the children's father do not join us at social functions ?
I want to move on as the pain of the bad fades, I wish to express those thoughts and events that are part of daily life - the pragmatic side of life that is the open book among all I know. Dwelling on life now or to be is a better exercise too I think. So I began another blog that is not hidden, that is open, one that posts about more practical stuff and other  moments of my life, my kids' life, to remember, no heavy emotions or dark thoughts or fears.
If you do comes across it or recognise me,  that's ok. You know me better after all.
I'm not ending off here, life's not perfect YET.   These are are still part of who I am and was.

One day I might link them both.

Jun 14, 2010

Make a list - time to unclog the pipes...

My melancholy moments are stored mostly here in my blog,
I try not to carry it with me for others to see...
or be dragged down with.
In the home, mostly there is no time for it,
the kids have their many temperamental moments.

Lately, for a while now, things have piled up I suppose, that's why.  It's more like a heavy fog than a depression that weighs down on my memory, there are things that need to be done and things that need to be corrected yet cannot be controlled.

Let's try making a list, perhaps it 'll become clearer to know what I can change and what I can't,  perhaps some things can get moving and out of the way. 

Jun 12, 2010

Auto mode ...

Took a break, went camping with the kids but it wasn't as relaxing as I thought it would be.  It was good exercise, my bones were aching from the aftermath but...

After some time life becomes routine again.
I want change. I keep thinking of change, a more lasting memory, a more fulfilling experience ?.

To do things slowly, more deliberately,  to think more of the doing than the getting done.

My head is full of things to do, the list never ends.
I go through each day almost robotically.
Nagging the kids seems automatic, even if it's for different antics.
Going through the motions, eating, showering, cleaning, fixing ...

I want to slow it down, change the pace,
to feel more in the here and now.

It's probably just a phase last post on this was in 9/2009 routines-living-in-auto-mode.

May 11, 2010

The Way to Live.

It seems that everything I read , any inspiritional piece of work points in one direction. In striving TO LIVE, it must be done not for ourselves and or there must be some form of suffering;  else we will find little meaning in life or that life will find little meaning in us.

I mentioned Art E Berg's book a while back Some Miracles Take Time, well I re-read it and it still gives me goosebumps.  There's so much faith and hope in this true story I can't help thinking that the ending will change and  be a happier one.

Here's another inspiring quote that goes with this train of thought that I would like to remember and share: 

From Teddy Roosevelt:
"It's not the critic who counts, ...  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strive valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without err and shortcoming.

Who does actually strive to do the deed, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, spends themsleves in a worthy triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

Be Happy

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