Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts

Nov 15, 2011

A Self reflection; learning to live honestly

The last quarter always sees more family occasions. I realize recently that my attitude to attending events that bring me in closer contact with relatives has changed and for the better – I'm less apprehensive and less calculating in my thoughts of what might be asked and how I might respond where my ex is concerned.

They must have noticed his absence from social functions for many years now. Not strange then, they have stopped asking me about it or him. 
I feel more open in my thoughts, there is less or hardly that sense of being imperfect or defensiveness  that I used to ‘arm ‘ myself with when going to these family affairs.
I suppose it would be called coming to terms with what has always been and what it will be and what it actually is today.

I want to be the person in charge of me again.

Who am I or was I trying to satisfy, why pretend?

Society is not perfect and as I sat in the living room of my brother's in-laws and the families a couple of weeks ago, I thought, everyone has issues,  I don't judge them, why should they judge me.

Why do we love ourselves less and not see our weakness as our humanness that is forgivable by God and yet not by ourselves? Do we set higher standards for being who we should be?

Sep 20, 2011

Wrestling with deeper thoughts

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.   - Saint Francis de Sales
Off and on I think..... what did I do to deserve this kind of torment.  How naive I was to have married such a monster and lived with him for so many years. Was I that wrapped up in work? Did I so successfully ignore the harsh reality that I survived it all this while and continued to do just that 'survive' instead of being  'alive'.
The wake up call to 'un-zombify' came in two hard knocks (think this is what they mean by God shaking the earth under you). One was my retrenchment from an all absorbing job and the other was the increased sociopathic behaviour of the ex. There was an increasing obsession with 'discipline' and a corresponding suffering of the kids which my senses began to grow increasingly troubled with. Did one lead to the other or did my change of situation lead to the blunt awareness.

... this keeps on circling in my thoughts...
I have never thought of myself as a perfect mother, and being a working one perhaps that had been my crutch. I have never been in the position to not have to work, and so now and then I have these feelings of regret and wish I could go back in time to capture more memories with my kids.

The kids have more because of it on one hand but less of me in other ways. It is my loss.
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation  I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....

I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path, they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.

Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum of who I am now is the result of where I have been.  And so I am more able to take on and cope with what is happening now.

feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....

It bugs me that I cannot carry all their burdens,  I can try to anticipate to lighten it.

I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.
Is it because I am a mother that I demand more of myself or is it just me demanding more of me?

What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?

Jun 15, 2011

Weaving a stronger Me

To subsist, to exist or to live life as much as is possible ?

Do I decide or do I let it choose me? 
It's about putting as much into it and getting the best out of it. And it appears so, I have done more than my fair share. And while I keep thinking, isn't that what marriage is? You give it your all.
So now it's time to take it back. Does it work that way?

I can make ends meet.  I'm advised, it's not about greed. It's about satisfaction and demanding your all that you are entitled to.
She makes a good case for me and reminds me 'very diplomatically' that I'm being a shmuck by giving in and thinking that I should settle for less.

It's time to assert.OK. So I'm following her advise and I'm thinking, why do I keep falling back on this pattern.
I have to stop this, I have to stop serving myself short.

I've learnt a few things, 
- Motherhood has it's price and it's compensations and there's no haggling.
- hope and trust can be a weakness each, combined it puts you in a coma.
- courage is something you work at but fear is something that sleeps in you always.
- and that being nice does not get you a good night's sleep.

If life is about balance how are we ever going to find it, if we don't know where the middle is.  

May 18, 2011

Tough going and still hanging

I'm still alive and kicking. It's been tough going because the X is playing dirty (rotten). The sands are shifting oh so slowly ....

Not that he will get away I am told, but I am so very bugged by it. It's hard 'acting' like a cold bitch much less being one. He is attempting to intimidate and bully me by his pathetic accusations, mandates on how the household should run or else etc, interruptions into the children's habits and insinuating himself back into the house while the 'ancillaries' are being settled.  Now I know what they mean by heart palpitations.

I have attempted my own healing at facing him down so to speak. The many things we/I used to do when he was home, we now do the opposite to show we are not afraid of him nor are we intimidated by him.  The simple things like grab the remote, take charge of the TV, sit on his favourite chair, speak loudly ...make plans and book the kids for outings before he does.

I've come through some serious realizations over the last months as to how I've been used and fooled big time for the past 10 years. Has my X been plotting since my last child was born? I keep wondering.
And yet by the grace of God, I have kept lots of old documents(here I thought I was not really a horder) that has helped in the facts of my case, paper trails have supported my 'long marriage' arguments to counter the trash my X has come up with to try and rip me off literally and get out of his responsibilities.  He attempts to withhold the kids' passports for all kinds of stupid reasons. There should be a law for this interim harassment... where is it ?

He is ultra 'sweet' with the kids, but they know it's a sham (gives me some satisfaction that they do, I know that's small of me.. but all's fair in love and war..).  And it takes its toll on them too, they keep asking when when will it be over. In the house he makes them nervous but when they are out in public, they worry less.
He has insinuated himself back into the household to help his arguments for care and control of the kids and of course he cannot undo history can he? The passport will tell along with other tell tale signs. I think somewhere along the way his planned strategy has gone awry some. He makes a big show with his Hindu prayers, bells and humms, loud mantra music from the stereo.....every morning.

It's worse than a chess game, at least you know the rules and there is little emotion, here there's a slimy player who's creating his own moves and playing on our emotions which are draining.  Perhaps I should set the IRAS on him, aren't they used to slippery snakes?

The law can't do much for me until the courts definitively decide on the ancillaries, another month or two away.  I can scream and rave if I want, I can call the cops too if I  feel threatened but as long as the house matter is not settled, he can still come and go as he pleases eventhough we are officially divorced. 

Affidavits are strange phenomenons, how much of the 'you say this' and 'I say that' work, facts surely speak up, but how much can you dredge when it's a history of more than 10 years and that's where my X is coming from. The amazing spins he puts on things; he would be a bad fiction writer.  The more I read his stuff, the more I think, he doesn't sound normal and sounds quite narcissistic and I hope the judge gets it.  If my X could say he gave birth to the three kids, he would.

I still have faith, and pray and many a times especially recently in my attempts to fight anger and frustration, I think on the flight from Egypt when the God of Mosses declared his wrath on the Egyptians and I think 'fight for me dear God, .. still waiting for that peace' .

Feb 28, 2011

Staying afloat...

Still here…been busy and tied up with the children - emotional and psychological, putting out the fires started by my ‘unofficial’ ex.
The ‘battle’ continues and he is not happy at the way it seems to be going.
Until it is over, he’ll continue playing mind games, leading the kids into the worry zone and it’s screwing with their peace of mind.
Reassurances are just not enough.

School is keeping them busy and me too.
Sorry too, I have not been able to make my blog rounds. I miss that.

I can’t relax until it is resolved.

I’m not dealing with the change of status in the way I expected to. No matter how rational I want to be, tradition and stereotypical thoughts still invade.

The reality of the life after will be much, much better and yet it’s the impact on the people around me that keeps coming around to me.
My folks are supportive but what do they really think. I feel I have disappointed them by failing in this. I have been consoled by the fact that while I have the many valid reasons to opt out I did not do so and instead stuck it out. Nobody expects me to play the matyr.

Still inspite of the support, I can’t help feeling that I have broken sacred traditions.
I have good friends who want to twack me on the head for my ‘silliness’ and remind me of what is important.
I am grateful for them…
…..and Sunday’s service reminded me again that God loves me too.

Jan 1, 2011

Wading throug rough waters ..........

I'm glad the old year is gone. We caught some great fireworks last night, that was a small consolation to make up for the lack of a family gathering to spend the eve with. We had our own little party, chips, marshmallows and wine for the toast.
How do we shake thoughts we don't want to have ? Temptation thrives on the weaknesses that we have and adds fuel to these thoughts and they just persist. Lately old bad memories of the earlier years have been invading my thoughts and they are sadly (and ironically) triggered by happy recall of memories among the family members. Why can't I get over them ?

I keep reminding myself, no one owes us a living, it's up to us to live our lives and make what is needed of it.
Yet because of the season, probably because I keep dwelling on what is to come and what is yet to be settled, I feel  a little hollow and alone.

I'm trying to ignore it and put it aside; to keep a positive face for the kids. It is tiring. Envy and self-pity seem to be rearing their heads and I feel like withdrawing from happy company. I am very conscious of them but the thoughts seem to be digging their heels in deeper. I pray and perhaps it is not enough. Daily tasks take their toll and I am feeling drained.  Keeping busy is the solution, but that takes energy too.

My daughter has been acting up lately - a teenager I expected to have the least issues with.  It's an old argument 'we can't always have what we want' . She has much more than most and yet it's not enough. Why because she forgets everything else that she has when focusing on the something that she wants and cannot get. Why do they always dwell on what they have not rather than what they have. 
She forgets there will be more expenses to come when she moves on to the next stage of higher learning.
I keep thinking, she is lucky, I am not my mother. But I will not over-compensate either.

The two boys well they are their usual selves.  It's like they take turns (I should be grateful) to act up.

Count your blessings.

Nov 4, 2010

The life we have is the path we choose

I found a couple of old diaries I had kept and realize my stint in the school of gullible idiocy began way back, stemmed mostly from the insecurities of a sheltered childhood.

There's nothing for it but to know and be glad that I grew up.

I am now getting away from the biggest evil of my life and soon that part will be over.

As I go through this stage, I learn that fear is never really gone, it visits now and again when you are most vulnerable. And what makes you vulnerable, one's children.

I am advised that the children are old enough, I should not worry.

So the question I pose, 'what is the choice to make', seems simple
- to be happy or to worry,
- to live in certainty or volatility

but is it?

Oct 19, 2010

Emotional recoil ...

"It is the emotional recoil that kills you, the shock of stepping off the track of a conventional lifestyle and losing all the embracing comforts that keep so many people on that track forever. To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in society."

Elizabeth Gilbert describes the feeling quite succinctly on why divorce feels like an upheaval. While on the one hand she has hit the nail on the head for most cases, in my case, there is no shock really as I have been moving off the track for a long while now. Ironically, I will finally have continuity.  
It is a derailment of a different sort. My (overly) concern is for the shock of others in my mostly normal conventional family circle and how they might think of it and of me. Do I tell them, the whole sordid tale ?

I constantly tell my kids, stop worrying about what others think, if you are confident that it is right, then it is. What others think will not matter at your finish line.
It’s easier to preach than practice.

Oct 8, 2010

Thoughts ..guilt or failure

I have always attached strings to my father’s love. And know that I should not. I do not want to grieve him, and yet I feel I have.

I go about my business and my children’s, there is no story to pour out that has not come out in bits and parts over the past 2 years. It is done for me so I don’t talk about it.
How do I say ‘I don’t want you to worry’ and not get him more worried.

I am reminded, I have made him proud in many ways,
I know he does not fault me in this
and yet

There will always be a part of my brain that remembers my mother's old-fashion thoughts, and that is a problem source. It's there but it doesn't dominate, just rears it's head from time to time.

I had done what I could on my own, I could not lean, I did not want to. That was for me.  Eventually I would have to stand on my own.
I held on for as long as it took.

I am relieved and sad.

Oct 6, 2010

Taking charge, feeling wobbly.

In my head, my plans are being laid but of course nothing really moves until it’s all settled. I’m planning close to the base line so it won’t go south so much as be an improvement.

I am a little afraid (feel it inside), not of the process or the outcome but his response. It’ll never be over for me til this is over. It is irrational I know, but I suppose you can't get rid of something that’s grown and festered for more than 12 years that quickly – fear of negative reaction, response and uncertainty.

Was it subtle advise or divine guidance, but I'm not taking the easy route just because I should, which means giving in on some fronts. This is probably the only time I am going to be able put up any kind of fight, just for the satisfaction of it.  Family court doesn’t count because as far as I am concerned he got away with it.

I am having my say, saying my peace because he doesn’t deserve an iota of positive consideration from me which is what it will be if I take the path of least resistance. I did it once for the kids, I can do it again for me - face the fear.

I may or may not achieve all of it but at least I’ll know I didn’t just give in AGAIN.

Oct 2, 2010

Most traveled road

...  from the last verse of Robert Frost's poem....
'The Road less taken. '..

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 
but when I look back, it is the road most traveled that I took and landed up here..

Sep 29, 2010

Seeking light

My face must shine,
my lips do smile
hidden beneath
all the while
heaviness sits
at the bottom
of the heart.
while below
feet drag.
Tomorrow begins
a new dawn.

Jul 19, 2010

Slow healing - my own way

Is there a formula for healing? I think not. 
The steps are different each time for everyone.

'Pray always, ask God for guidance and peace'...
Sage advice, yes, I kept up the prayer and I followed the bible passages but I realised 'I am not thinking further or moving '. They gave me comfort and calm and they helped me accomplish that first phase but now I'm not sure to where or what I need, to move forward, the answers are not forthcoming. 

Perhaps the answers or the inspiration to move on are not to be found there now but has to come from elsewhere, from myself, or from the kids or from an action or experience.

There is still cause for anxiety, but I'm no longer frozen, it's been a year, I need to work the emotional and the self independence, push on, stop waiting for the unknown.  

I'm not saying I've cut off my faith or anything like that, just that faith now has a different role to play.
God still has a place but not as my crutch. 

Jun 23, 2010

Revising my Lease on life

I made mistakes and that is what I should learn from rather than try to forget them. When I think of them, I think, why was I so naive, I wish I had been more mature and had been more exposed to see the bad and recognize the abnormal and be less forgiving.

Now it's easier, I remember but have stopped dwelling on it in an oppressive obsessive way. It's time to go past that. I can't undo the past that has led to the here and now, nor wish it away because there's too much there to change, and much I don't wish to change.

These are what I can't share openly and that is why I have this blog. It is the negative expressions, the heavy hearted-ness of thought that are poured out here. Call these my troubled pages. While I might be ready to share some and reveal more of that sad existence with the adults of my circle,  I don't think the kids are ready for the reception of the knowing by relatives or cousins, aunts and uncles whether it is in sympathy or not.

When I started this blog, it was part of the healing, I suppose I am on my way to a new (or revised) lease on life.
All who know me(outside blog land) only see the shiny side of me and the optimist (only my dad knows my 'not so ordinary' troubles). I say 'not ordinary' because this concept of trouble would be quite alien to the normal persons I know.  They don't ask anymore where my husband is or why the children's father do not join us at social functions ?
I want to move on as the pain of the bad fades, I wish to express those thoughts and events that are part of daily life - the pragmatic side of life that is the open book among all I know. Dwelling on life now or to be is a better exercise too I think. So I began another blog that is not hidden, that is open, one that posts about more practical stuff and other  moments of my life, my kids' life, to remember, no heavy emotions or dark thoughts or fears.
If you do comes across it or recognise me,  that's ok. You know me better after all.
I'm not ending off here, life's not perfect YET.   These are are still part of who I am and was.

One day I might link them both.

Jun 15, 2010

Jun 14, 2010

Make a list - time to unclog the pipes...

My melancholy moments are stored mostly here in my blog,
I try not to carry it with me for others to see...
or be dragged down with.
In the home, mostly there is no time for it,
the kids have their many temperamental moments.

Lately, for a while now, things have piled up I suppose, that's why.  It's more like a heavy fog than a depression that weighs down on my memory, there are things that need to be done and things that need to be corrected yet cannot be controlled.

Let's try making a list, perhaps it 'll become clearer to know what I can change and what I can't,  perhaps some things can get moving and out of the way. 

Jun 12, 2010

Auto mode ...

Took a break, went camping with the kids but it wasn't as relaxing as I thought it would be.  It was good exercise, my bones were aching from the aftermath but...

After some time life becomes routine again.
I want change. I keep thinking of change, a more lasting memory, a more fulfilling experience ?.

To do things slowly, more deliberately,  to think more of the doing than the getting done.

My head is full of things to do, the list never ends.
I go through each day almost robotically.
Nagging the kids seems automatic, even if it's for different antics.
Going through the motions, eating, showering, cleaning, fixing ...

I want to slow it down, change the pace,
to feel more in the here and now.

It's probably just a phase last post on this was in 9/2009 routines-living-in-auto-mode.

Jun 2, 2010

Two at a time...

I got two lovely awards from Betty of Cut and Dry, thank you Betty they do certainly cheer up one's day and adds to the to-do list....:)

The "sunshine award" ... well just pass it on to 12 of your favourite bloggers...

The other award is the 'Versatile Blogger',  and while I got this from Betty first, I was also presented with it again from the Wanderer  a day later. Thank you.

You have to do some 'soul searching' for this one ..
 The rules for " The Versatile Blogger" award are:

1. Thank the person who gave you this award.
2.. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers whom you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

... 7 things about me

  1. I can't go without a new book for more than a week.. otherwise I get withdrawal symptoms.
  2. I need a chocolate fix every 3 to 4 days...otherwise I get withdrawal symptoms.
  3. I absolutely love dogs in general but there's something about the Chihuahua that I don't like but I can't figure out what!
  4. I can't seem to work in space that is cluttered.
  5. I often wish I could play the piano or the organ.
  6. I don't have 20/20 vision, I don't dare try lasik.
  7. I grew up in a very non-expressive household.

Go ahead pick one or both (make your day..) and pass em on......

And here are my choices:
  1. Sarah
  2. Donetta
  3. Locating My Life ..
  9. Be Inspired Today by Julieanne 
  10. Nevine's Dreams and Deliriums
  11. Just Me 
  12. Alice in Wonderland
  13. Farila of Chapters From My Life 
  14. Journey of A Single Mum 
  15. When did I become my mom

May 24, 2010

Keep It Together

Keep it together today,
tomorrow will be better.
In suffering we grow He says,
yet I feel weak rather than mightier.

Perhaps it’s not yet the peak,
there’s a way to go.
How far does He wish to push me?
I wish I could know.

The right words are in my mind,
but little comfort do I feel from those.
Faith and hope are powerful tools,
if only I remember to keep them close.

I have their love and struggles to contend with,
my own I must lay low.
But then, at least their paths 
will surely be better than before.

(HA - 2010)

May 19, 2010

A Day in the Life..... coping yet not.!

The days seem to move by fast, the exams are over for now. Last weekend, I took the kids out after breakfast.  Crazy ! Yes, since the HEAT has been excessive.
I thought, let's get them out of the house for a while before it gets too hot (which is an understatement) and away from the Gameboys,  game consols and PC, I'm sure you get the picture. 
I also thought it would be good for me,  provided I could also have an air-conditioned suit made. A few hours wouldn't kill me, we'd be back after lunch. What I needed and what I've been needing for a while now, is some quiet.

I took them to the beach for a couple of hours, one rode a bike and the other two roller bladed and of course there was much complaining after that - skin abrasions,  this too tight and that worn out and .. muscles aching .. , . goodness I thought what are they going to be like at 30 !. 
I sat by myself in the warm shade, read some but mostly observed the beach, the water,  people and dogs around me. I got my quiet for a couple of hours, when the kids were off on their jaunt, but it was not enough;  I don't think I really sank into it..

Lately the buzz at home gets to me. Sometimes I can't seem to organise the kids. The moment I step into the house, they bombard me with narratives, instructions from school, their itinerary for the day , the next day and 'can I do this' and 'can I go to a friend's house tomorrow or can I go to the park etc etc etc. Mostly it's late, and I 'handle it' , and try to cover as much ground with them. Time seems to be my worst enemy like a stalker.  
I forget I'm in charge but go with the flow of what needs to get done. And then,  every  1 out of 2 nights, there will be two (any) who get noisy and quarrelsome among themselves,  and all I want to do is yell at them and chase them to bed.

Little things just add to the irritation - untidy desk, books not stored away, loose stationery etc.  I just deal and cope with it.  I 'm tired, I try to read to get away, ignore the buzz, but am not relaxed.

You know what they say about repressing emotions, sooner or later it will find an out.

I don't know if this situation is unique or quite common. I suppose it is time for a time-out but some action is needed as well .

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