Divorce and my Faith

Saying it out loud is about facing it.

I've been trying to get my parish priest to come bless my new home and of course he is busy but I am hoping he can soon.

Ever since the divorce was final, every sermon and every 'opinion' about those divorced or about divorce pricks my conscience. I've been thinking I do need to speak to a priest about it but I procrastinate.

Is it guilt or fear? My only thought is that man judges differently from God. While I feel confident that God understands my circumstance I'm not so confident how a priest would.  Because I did not initiate it even though I had more cause to,  I have always believed this is was God's solution to my many pleas.

Everything I have heard is about - not going there. There's nothing about it when you are there and every time the subject comes up I step into this void - no white or black or grey. I don't know how to describe it, I don't know what I should think there's just no ground under it. There are articles, some web pages that attempt to address and interpret what the church law implies, but nothing is really clear to me I suppose.

 I'm handling it with the family and friends, no issues there.

For me, it's never been a dead end, it always was the beginning for healing and learning to be again. 

Looking for my calm

The waiting is taking it's toll. I'm thinking.... look at rental while I'm waiting for the apartment so I don't have to put up with my ex's  foolhardy attempts to rile me with his stupid accusations and threats.
The house is not yet falling apart but the appliances and furniture which are old seem to be saying sayonara one by one.
It's like they know the end is near.

While the ex is still freeloading he has the audacity to blame me for breaking his things and letting things go to ruin and threatening to bring liable and legal charges.  I am advised to stay calm, and let him blow his hot air, his aim is ti wear me down.

Among other things, he's going to use the dog as his support for my not running a proper household.

It does seem like he's panicking, his reign of terror will soon be over and that's why he's craving attention.... so goes one theory.

I remind myself about prayer and trust and patience. I believe there's always been a (divine) plan....it seems I forget when it builds.

I wish he would just leave.

The next phase...

Outwardly I am moving forward, I have found an apartment and am now figuring out ways to renovate and refurbish to make it a comfortable home. It will be about 4 months more before I can move in.

In the meantime...
 
The next phase I thinks is called 'coming to terms'. While the paper work says final and all that, deep within the heart of me I suppose there is still grief for the loss. And yet while I tell myself I held on despite of.........I still do feel guilt.

I have been telling myself for the past few month that it is time to go talk to a priest, but is it confession or is it just an outpouring to lighten my burden or to hear him say 'it couldn't be helped or I did what I could do or it was not within my control etc etc..
More afraid is that he would say what I gather from my mother, it is the bed I made, and therefore I should accept it..

I think I would not know where to begin.

At Sunday mass,... do they do it on purpose ?  It is because of what is said during sermons and seminar-invites about keeping the family together that makes this trip quite difficult to let go. I suppose it would work for some who have recourse or where there is some hope.  Would we not avoid it if we could ?  Does anyone go through divorce for a lark ?

It always comes back to this,
if I were to think like a counselor, ' I could not change him so I changed me'
But that didn't help the kids when his behaviour affected them, then how could I not be me for them.

What a tangled web we weave...........

Assert assert assert...

I'm learning things about myself in the next phase where I'll have to take risks with the law and force myself to do things I am not comfortable with. I am still afraid because the law does not always seem to be on my side until all things are iron clad and clear cut. 
Ok so I'm a nice person, and you really have to push me to the edge before I can stay mean and act mean with you.  As much as I hate my ex for all the pain and suffering, I cannot hate his mother who is in the middle.

There is a property that needs to be sold owned by both of my ex and I but which is currently being occupied by his mother-in-law and him for most of the time when he is not skulking in the home that we occupy. We had purchased it at a point in time when she had no place to go and he did not want her staying with us ( nice son huh?). That house has to be sold first and so a valuation needs to be done. A valuation means I need to get access to the house. Eventhough it has been our property, because it was the mother-in law, I never sought to make a key. We were not charging her rent while we both paid for it, and he (ex) was helping her to upkeep the house and in the last few years, he stayed there  instead of the current home before he filed.

There is a grey area when something is shared or not absolutely cut and dry(in this case the house is in both our names) where the law is concerned and yet I seem to always put myself in the position of defense rather than offense. My ex is stalling on this and I have waited a month. I'm trying to play by the 'nice' rules, give notice and sufficient time for him to act, let his mum know that a valuer will be by. He could have arranged it before me but he didn't. So I have to act. The cops do not say I'm in the right nor am I in the wrong if I have to force my way into the house to get the valuation done, perhaps I should go back to court to force an order.

There were many scenarios playing out in my head, if the occupants had opened the door but stopped me, I would have had to call the police and created more of a scene which made me uncomfortable but that was what asserting myself would have entailed. I kept thinking about his reactions and the possible consequences.
My concern was, can he file a complaint against me if I did something. Between the advise of the lawyer and the police, it seems it is my right as owner to enter the premises by whatever means.  If the police can't advise me against it or suggest the best way, it means it boils down to just me ensuring I can justify it and cover all the bases. Call the police ONLY if there is trouble caused. And so after much thought, and much pressure to not waste my off day and the valuer's time, I called in a locksmith. Thank God the locksmith and the valuer were understanding of my predicament. I can't seem to think of using the grey to my advantage.

I did all the right things, he was notified earlier,  there was a 2 hour waiting period,  I waited, I knocked, I called and still no one was home (so it seemed).  So I made a decision, get a locksmith, got the valuer to come back  Again I checked with the police and what they were not saying was 'I could not do it', and I even suggested for an officer to observe but they said no, just call if there is trouble.  So here I am on the offense.

Lo and behold, after we got the doors open and then the room doors which were also locked, we find my mother-in-law hiding in the room. Was she advised by her son that we would be coming, did she hear us knock, did she hear the phone ring.... NO NO NO... she said she needed to call her son, and the first thing out of her mouth on the phone was , 'they come into the house already '. I pity the poor woman and what her son has / is putting her through ( to lie on his behalf). 

He has to sell it as well and it has nothing to do with the clarification, so what is his game? He wants control of the sale? He was aware I would be there today and had told his mum not to answer the door or the phone and keep all the windows and curtains closed.

My lawyer, for the sake of me showing  MEAN, would have me banging down the door without any notice or preamble but to show I am the owner and I can do anything I want'. I'm advised I can't be soft, 'assert' she says, but I argue it's not about asserting it's about ensuring I am not doing anything illegal.  It feels that her definition of assertiveness is creating a scene to demand, but I realise she does not always give me the right advise where the grey area is concerned, because not all angles are explored, and that makes me uncomfortable. I'm so used to doing stuff in a 'civilized' manner, I have never had to call the police or think of using force in any situation before and now my ex has forced me to enter that arena, because he can't do anything amicably even if it is to both our benefit.  I think about it, but I can't just take his clothes and throw it out. I also keep thinking that one of the side effects will be stress on the kids if it's something they witness.

I had to do what I had to do, I can't stall or I will be out of funds to support the current roof over my head. The ex is playing games with the maintenance orders at the moment claiming that he is pending clarification. I'm trying to think of it as a adventure in assertiveness training. 
If you are not born with 'mean', it's hard to find it in you even after years of abuse.

Sorting out Loose ends...

Unfortunately until I am able to sell this house and move out with the kids, I will not see the back of my ex.  My youngest grows impatient waiting for the move. There are a few hurdles to get over and I will have to use the courts again to clear the sale should my ex create more delays and thwart the orders, in the process.

I am advised to push through and I will.

The biggest part is over, I know I can do what needs to be done next. It's a lot of planning and formulating and meeting with the banks and looking at new homes.

Because of the appeal I believe my ex intends to put through, I still am wary although I'm told not to worry. I've seen his actions translate to whining in the past 6 months on paper and while I'm closer to understanding how the courts read this, I am still going to be paranoid as long as he is under the same roof and looking over our shoulders for the slightest incident to twist and spin.

He is still going to try his damndest to be a thorn in my side but I am going to use the courts and the police for the slightest reason that he gives me to ensure he understands I am standing my ground and that he does not intimidate me any longer.

If you have included me in your prayers, please continue cos it 's not over and  peace is the goal for all of us and I thank you.

Finally done....

I thank God that it is over . The kids stay with me for the most part although of course there are the alternate weekends.
I can move forward on getting a new home, what a relief.  The property sale will take at least a few months to settle but  at least we are moving.

Most of it is in my favour. So of course the ex is not happy and he claims he will appeal.

Somehow I am less worried about it, because if he intends to display the same insane behaviour, he's not going to make any progress but rather work against himself.

There are complications as to how I going to tackle the settlements but one step at a time, but I'll weather it. It all depends on his cooperation or otherwise if he hopes to delay because of his appeal. I'll just have to use the judicial system to push it.

Thank you Lord, I can finally move forward.

Just thinking .............

I wrote Keep It Together more than a year ago and as I re-read it I think to myself 'thank God that I have'.

There has been little fair play on the X's part, creating storms of paranoia blowing hot and cold and I have weathered them all thus far. Will he continue? I'll have to wait and see.

Faith has grown deep and my prayer is no longer a wail.  And as I wait the final day I feel a sense of sorrow, not panic (not yet) over all that has gone, all that has been invested, these past 20 years.
There is a change in the children too, a kind of strength that is mature and yet sometimes falters.
But it is more present than it used to be.

Time does heal all wounds in time or at least eases the pain.

What does it really mean for them, is still hard to define.
I wait to move forward.

Strangely calm

Whether it's trust in God or just the belief that there is little more I can do, I realize I have been less anxious and less paranoid over the current events and situation. It's like I have decided I have to leave it in the hands of the high court and know that it will turn out for the best.  I hope it's faith.

My ex has been filling my middle child's head with lies, intimidating the youngest with his growling and sarcasm and pressing for the sale of the house through the lawyers. He is attempting to solve his own problem where the property issues are concerned by addressing half of the ancillary issue to his own benefit without a solution to my own housing issue. While he flings words such as 'putting me on notice' and the 'uncertain property market' prices etc etc there is nothing for it but to wait for the high court to settle it all that includes my issues.

He is either dense or stupid or just plain selfish if he thinks I will give in and put myself at a disadvantage just to take advantage of property prices !  I feel the storm building around him.  He rails at some poor victim over the phone from time to time, I think it's his mother (poor woman),I feels sorry for her, but I am glad he can no longer take out his frustration on me or the kids.

I think he is desperate financially, since he's been attempting to stay in the country to show the court he can work from here rather than have to stay overseas where he has been operating his business for the most part of the last few years.

I know where the kids stand, I hope it's the same place that the court stands.

Having and being

As I read Eric Fromm's book I think about what's happening now, with the children in the middle.

Is my ex's goal to have the kids, to have power over them or is it because he truly loves them?  In this phase of 'no man's land' for the kids I have decided that I will do what is best for them (not back away, I can't do that to the kids), but at the same time I will not worsen the tense situations the ex creates.
To him it is about control and power and who wins, that's the way it has always been. There has never been gentleness or compassion before now, yet he displays it now in a very restrained fashion. I read the 'disbelief' in the kids' faces but I know they play a survivor's game, almost like 'keep the brute happy so he keeps calm'.

They have attempted to speak and he walks over them. Soon it will be settled and I have to be patient and so will they. He makes comments to the boys about what he believes I feel or what I'm doing to thwart him. All I'm doing is trying to balance their relax time and outing time. But the ex has strange thoughts that I'm manipulating them, when it is he who seems to be doing that on his time with the boys.
I know this because the boys convey some of these strange statements and comments my ex makes. 

He tries to grab as much of the public holiday time and keep the boys out all day.  The kids grumble to me but the boys have to speak up for themselves and I hope they find the courage to do it eventually.
It took me years, I cannot expect more from them.

Matt 14:27,31  

“Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ......

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Conflicting thoughts and making right choices.

Whenever we make a decision, whatever the circumstances, whatever the reasons, it's still our choice, right or wrong, we own it, we take responsibility for it. This is one of the classic steps to ease stress.

It struck me that at some point I would have to let the children make their choices and learn from it.

I can't continue to protect them on every front because I am not there. Hence my conflict, I have to rationalize.

I've been thinking alot lately that I am still allowing him(X) to yank my chain, through the children. I have been attempting to run interference but I'm advised, there's very little I can do at this point eventhough it could be what is right for them. The kids know that alot of things do not  feel right and yet, are they hoping to please both sides?  Is it fear or love that prods them, it's hard to decipher.
To me, I think they might not be the best judge, but I'm advised they are old enough even for 10 to know the difference.
The children must make their stand and learn to face their fears too. I do not want to cause more tensions and more confusion for the kids.  And the children ultimately need to realise what it is they want and what makes them happy, not what they think should or ought to be right thing to do.

The harsh truth is,  consequences may be the best teacher.

And I cannot please everyone either, I have do what I need to do too.

There is no right or wrong, just a difficult road.

Putting out fires

Sometimes I want to just shy away from the fight, to leave things be (hope for the best) and wish somebody else will fight my problems for me.  I have never been good at confrontations, perhaps a consequence of my strange marriage experience which keeps me running back to the corner now and then, (thank God it happens less frequently).

The ex  now appears to be drawing the kids' teachers into his battle plan. But not all of them, he picks the weaker child or the weaker subject and uses that to his advantage. He had gone to see a none-too favourite teacher of my youngest boy and since then, my son had been behaving antsy, in fits and starts I would hear strange statements made by this teacher through my son. And my first thought was 'no way, the  ex is not going to use a teacher to continue his bullying for him, and if this teacher is dumb enough to be influenced on heresay, then he deserves to be reported'. Then I thought about it and decided I would not jump the gun, I would go corner him and find out exactly his view of the situation, to see how his inclinations swayed.

I hate confrontations, eventhough this was not quite that, but it had to be done for my son's sake. After all, teachers have been instructed specifically to stay clear of family issues and ensure the child's well-being.
I gave him a surface 'lay of the land' and expressed my concerns as to the changes (negative) in my son's behaviour, considering that all seemed to be as well as could be in the past (same teacher for this subject) until recently (when my ex began to involve himself in the children's school and their study). The teacher went on about his methods and his wishes for the students and so on. I told him that was all good and fine until he used the word discipline. 'Discipline' is my ex's favourite excuse for his past abuse of the children. And when that word came up, I looked him in the eyes and said that sure it is important, but a child must also want to do it (persuaded to do so for the right reasons).

I did not wish to give him the full background just enough for him to understand, that the child dwells currently in a hostile environment,  that he(teacher) needed to watch where he tread, as there was a lot more than just a divorce affecting the child and I did not want my son retreating backwards dreading old experiences (before the protection order was applied).

The teacher must have gotten the idea, as he hastily seemed to assure me that he would certainly not touch on family situations but ensure the child's well-being where school matters are concerned, taking into account my concerns.

Scheming or caring?

Trying to ignore the rocks, but...

No way I'm not competing, but I think he(X) is trying to.

The ex has recently moved into my 'space' as in sitting down at the work table to involve himself in the boys homework of the day.
It's something he has never done before.

I told myself he can have at it. He does have some intelligence after all, let him exercise it and other skills.
The task for him would be to control his temper and reign in his patience. He cannot use his previous 'disciplinary' methods and must control his verbal abuse.
The long-wearing lectures are there, my sons are weary, naturally expected. It's upto him to show them if he is sincere and his intent on mending his way.

Old fears die hard, and the boys were tense, but it worked out for that day.  I can't help but be anxious. At the same time I'm looking at it as objectively as I can, .........

Fear of the unknown still lurks, unfortunately I am not be able to feel even 70% peace because I don't trust him and he has definitely earned that distrust and I'm pretty certain, he's still scheming while he can.

My youngest still fears his father's potential actions eventhough it's 'safe'.
Recently when his father began going through his school bag, he tells me he felt faint (like he was going to pass out).  I understood what happened (what memories ran through his very young mind) and here I thought he had overcome the worst of it.  My ex doesn't get how he has put 'fear' in their minds.

Tension is present as long as he(X) is around.  My boulder is being cut away, but it's still there.

When will it end....
.....until I need no longer see his(X) face.The clock is ticking but not fast enough....
Will he move on?

In my head, I think, a snake will always be a snake no matter how many times it sheds... we'll see.

Rant -the system sucks but perhaps not totally!

When I began writing this post a few days ago, I had titled it 'the system sucks'. But today I'm changing it  because it may not be, totally.
Sometime back when I let on of what I went through with the family services system, I said it sucked when it comes to dealing with abuse of the non-black and blue kind. That's what it means,  the only way you get your problem addressed is only when one gets beaten and has broken bones and bruises to show for it.
Well it almost appears the same in the process of a divorce where the husband is a narcissistic control freak, and you are not allowed to restrict him from the house or the kids until all issues are settled . And unless there is some form of physical violence, I can't do anything.

It seems like while in the process of divorce and property issue is still not settled, the EX can still sit in the house and intimidate and cause mischief. And he has begun his games. He has an alternate place to stay which was where he spent the better part of the last two years, before plotting his divorce plan. 8 months after that he moves back into the house to boost his claims position.

And so after the sneaking around the house, 'interviewing' the kids and looking for faults to bolster his affidavit, he now moves to the next phase while we wait for a Court date.
Can he claim his personal property is damaged or stolen.  Where do I draw the line?  The problem is there is lots of spaces in the house I cannot lock because the house, cupboards, doors just were made that way. How do I stop him from coming into my space ? Is there such a thing as personal property in the house or personal space. Is it that easy for him to use the system to his own end. He's trying his damdest to cause embarrassment. And now he wants to drag the kids into his crap pot.

The police explain they will conduct a fair investigation but at the same time after understanding the full scenario of the situation (that we are divorced and his is a hostile presence in the house), there are  complications due to the issue of defining personal property in the present situation and secondly is there a basis for accusation as the property in question may or may not be family property and furthermore was left in a family used space.  I left them to form their own conclusion when I informed them that he had lodged this report in time to be used in his last affidavit, that was why I was aware of it.
So the police are not totally clueless and they were not taking his word totally, hence my 'perhaps not totally'.

In answer to my question, there is no such thing as his private space in the house.
My fear is that that this gives him a license to create more trouble. And I was assured some, that if this were the case, he would be taken to task for attempting to abuse the system. What of the stuff he seemingly bought for the kids (entertainment console) is that his or the kids?

I want him to get out of the house and take his 'personal property' with him to avoid such problems.
I have been asking the question 'what are my rights in the house' and have not been able to get a straight answer.  We are divorced officially and yet I can't kick him out of the house because the house is considered matrimonial property.

I know exactly how that feels !

Feels like I'm going around in circles, loosing hair and sleep. I believe it's his tactic of wearing me down.

Sometimes I think to hell with it and him, stop getting defensive and letting him yank my chain. But I can't seem to stick to that programme. I am getting the hang of it but I can do better.
Gonna have to grit my teeth and bear it until it is settled legally and PRAY to God that he doesn't get away with or cause more mischief.

I had attempted to lock my room door once, earlier this year after he started threatening my housekeeper (she refused to spy for him) but could not legally stop him why because he still has clothes in the room. I supposes my lawyer was not as alert to this fact but what it means is I should have made an issue of his stuff then when the divorce was official a few months ago.

The police cannot do anything until he assaults me. If life were so simple.

Nine months down the road.... and counting.

It has been nine months since this legal process was started.

But it has been on hindsight, more than 6 years that we have been separated for. I stuck with it to make it work based on HOPE and CHANGE and a whole heap of forgiveness on top of forgiveness.

I've learnt a lot about myself from the perspective of my lawyer who essentially knows everything I have endured, allowed myself to and survived by now.

I prayed for relief and this is the path I  have been led through and will soon see the light at the end. 

I am stronger,  relieved yet not totally.  The children are my foremost concern and yet I  am advised constantly to be happy already and remember the children have a choice. While the children will be in my care, they will still have to endure time with him as is his entitlement. They are less afraid when they are outside in public with him than when they are in the home with him.
Tension still exists because they are uncertain if his supposed reformation is pretense or true from henceforth. How truly relaxed are they, in his presence now. Is it genuine or are they pretending too

Intimidated in my own house
It's like I have few rights of my own and do not have total control over my life, having to constantly look over my shoulders. I mentioned this earlier that I can't chase him out of the house until ancillaries are settled.  And so he has purposely ensconced himself in the house in the last few months after disappearing for most of last couple of years.

To me it's like having a snake in the house. He's been taking pictures of rundown furniture and worn items. To what end? My lawyer says don't bother. But I am bothered. I plan to move out, why spend unnecessarily?  He has taken sudden intensive interest in the studies of the kids.  In his crooked mind, I believe he plans to use them to show that I am not looking after the house properly, that he can do a better job.

I need to apply assertiveness training here for myself.

Processing
I have let my lawyer focus on the material and factual arguments that in her experience is what the judge will look at foremost.   It's the facts that matter and influence.

However I am unsure still. What does a judge look for, how do they look at all this 'I say' and 'you say' stuff.  How much gets taken into account of the character that we each portray.

The X has focused on the material and the physical, made lots of claims without proof.  My concern has been on the emotional and psychological well-being of the kids. I have been researching on similar situations and outcomes for impact and reactions but not much exists as my circumstance arising from of my X's personality (narcissistic and abusive) seems unique.

I have yet to come across anyone with an experience quite like mine, I'm sure there are, and I hope they not only survived but came out better for it.

Tough going and still hanging

I'm still alive and kicking. It's been tough going because the X is playing dirty (rotten). The sands are shifting oh so slowly ....

Not that he will get away I am told, but I am so very bugged by it. It's hard 'acting' like a cold bitch much less being one. He is attempting to intimidate and bully me by his pathetic accusations, mandates on how the household should run or else etc, interruptions into the children's habits and insinuating himself back into the house while the 'ancillaries' are being settled.  Now I know what they mean by heart palpitations.

I have attempted my own healing at facing him down so to speak. The many things we/I used to do when he was home, we now do the opposite to show we are not afraid of him nor are we intimidated by him.  The simple things like grab the remote, take charge of the TV, sit on his favourite chair, speak loudly ...make plans and book the kids for outings before he does.

I've come through some serious realizations over the last months as to how I've been used and fooled big time for the past 10 years. Has my X been plotting since my last child was born? I keep wondering.
And yet by the grace of God, I have kept lots of old documents(here I thought I was not really a horder) that has helped in the facts of my case, paper trails have supported my 'long marriage' arguments to counter the trash my X has come up with to try and rip me off literally and get out of his responsibilities.  He attempts to withhold the kids' passports for all kinds of stupid reasons. There should be a law for this interim harassment... where is it ?

He is ultra 'sweet' with the kids, but they know it's a sham (gives me some satisfaction that they do, I know that's small of me.. but all's fair in love and war..).  And it takes its toll on them too, they keep asking when when will it be over. In the house he makes them nervous but when they are out in public, they worry less.
He has insinuated himself back into the household to help his arguments for care and control of the kids and of course he cannot undo history can he? The passport will tell along with other tell tale signs. I think somewhere along the way his planned strategy has gone awry some. He makes a big show with his Hindu prayers, bells and humms, loud mantra music from the stereo.....every morning.

It's worse than a chess game, at least you know the rules and there is little emotion, here there's a slimy player who's creating his own moves and playing on our emotions which are draining.  Perhaps I should set the IRAS on him, aren't they used to slippery snakes?

The law can't do much for me until the courts definitively decide on the ancillaries, another month or two away.  I can scream and rave if I want, I can call the cops too if I  feel threatened but as long as the house matter is not settled, he can still come and go as he pleases eventhough we are officially divorced. 

Affidavits are strange phenomenons, how much of the 'you say this' and 'I say that' work, facts surely speak up, but how much can you dredge when it's a history of more than 10 years and that's where my X is coming from. The amazing spins he puts on things; he would be a bad fiction writer.  The more I read his stuff, the more I think, he doesn't sound normal and sounds quite narcissistic and I hope the judge gets it.  If my X could say he gave birth to the three kids, he would.

I still have faith, and pray and many a times especially recently in my attempts to fight anger and frustration, I think on the flight from Egypt when the God of Mosses declared his wrath on the Egyptians and I think 'fight for me dear God, .. still waiting for that peace' .

Menace still at large ..

... still in the process.

27 Oct :
 Like the menacing mosquito that hovers, that’s how it felt for a few hours. I return home early today and the hall is deserted and the house is quiet. And I realise he is back.

The boys are in their room doing their own things along with their sister who is usually in the dining room studying.

What does he do, interrogates and questions them to get a feel for their loyalty. The boys responses are unsure or was it. Disappears back to where ever he came from.
He’s gathering points I think to show I am not a perfect mum.

My dad came to check on the kids as usual. He verbally attacks him. Why does he attack my father, why does he question his kindness and care for my kids? Is he jealous or is he afraid that the kids are doing fine without him.

I talked to my dad, he tells me don't worry. I ask if they argued, he says not by his definition, although my husband raised his voice. My husband it seems imagines that the world is conspiring against him. 

What is he afraid of?

He slapped the boys earlier for some excuse (not performing some ritual they are supposed to). What is wrong with him? Like a fix he has to get, the need to kick at someone, what?.

One visit for a few hours and my youngest is stressed again, my daughter is holding her breathe and my middle child, he's frowning, unsure of the innuendos.

Need to get advise.

I'm controlling myself.. I want to scream out loud .
Can I just echo here what my youngest son said - I hate him.

Emotional recoil ...

"It is the emotional recoil that kills you, the shock of stepping off the track of a conventional lifestyle and losing all the embracing comforts that keep so many people on that track forever. To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in society."

Elizabeth Gilbert describes the feeling quite succinctly on why divorce feels like an upheaval. While on the one hand she has hit the nail on the head for most cases, in my case, there is no shock really as I have been moving off the track for a long while now. Ironically, I will finally have continuity.  

It is a derailment of a different sort. My (overly) concern is for the shock of others in my mostly normal conventional family circle and how they might think of it and of me. Do I tell them, the whole sordid tale ?

I constantly tell my kids, stop worrying about what others think, if you are confident that it is right, then it is. What others think will not matter at your finish line.

It’s easier to preach than practice.

Still processing...

I've been searching but can't seem to locate bloggers who have been through the similar experiences that I have or had. I suppose not everyone is able to talk about it or share.  The domestic abuse is one thing but this divorce business is something else.

My sister is very supportive 'good riddance to bad rubbish' and so on.

I get twinges of flashbacks and momentarily wish this nightmare was just that, a nightmare.  Yesterday as I read a book and it came to the scene of a wedding, I saw that moment in my head, when my father walked me down the aisle and it brought tears to my eyes.
There's a pragmatic side that knows this is for the best, the emotional side is just weak, and mourning the waste of years.  My life since marriage has been like a garden gradually overrun by a terrible weed (- that weed being my husband-) I tried for too long. 
How forgiving should one be ? 

I am looking forward to fresh scents, brighter days,  clean air, a smoother road, consistent calm - a peaceful garden for the four of us.

Like my blogs, I shall have to separate memories to store away those moments as they turn up - good, bad and ugly.