Moderating my nature

In July 2009, I started my first post, I look at it now as the warm up to the most difficult phase in my life.

This blog helped me along the way, I see that. Hindsight etc etc.

When I read back there are times I don't recognise that me. When I think back I don't believe that was me (mild meek me) doing what I had to do.

I am learning to distinquish what is nature in me and what was nurtured by my hectic advertising life. Learning to unlearn is not so easy because whatever it is, you still have to make time to unlearn. Learning to breath slowly is not as easy as it seems when you think you have left the stressful job behind.

An example - I started to cook and then it became like a ritual with a schedule which I forced on myself.  I had reasons to do it sure, I do enjoy it but it was that schedule and in my mind it became a "should do".  So now I have to stop that way of thinking or I would not be able to relax into a comfortable motion of life.

 

Suddenly I find I don't have enough time to rest because I want to do cooking or cardcrafting or walk the dog ot marketing or catch my favourite TV programme (even though I can record it). I am not there yet, at a point of doing things comfortably in my time and being relaxed in my head. Am I making sense ?

When I was working- that sucked all the time and energy, I was on a constant treadmill, and life outside was a secondary priority. So that's the way my nature goes, I need to engage my head and move out of the trench I appear to dig deeper the more time I spend on it.

Remaking my daily routine.

I worked for years and years until I decided(after some math)  I could take a break in Oct last year. I decided I was going to find my feet again and learn to breathe slowly, learn to breathe while I ate and just catch up on sleep(if I could sleep). It was a risk but health was a priority I had to consider. And it was time taking into account the many things that had happened already in the job. I had to step off that roller coaster after procrastinating on it for almost 7 months, all the excuses were about other people on my team and the company I worked many years for.

The job had taken over my life and I could not stop enough to live and catch up with me and looking after me.

I delayed health checkups, appointment were put off or were not a priority, my parent's appointments were a priority, vacation breaks were not really breaks with the job still on my mind - a "mobile"call away.  I could not put it away because of conditions of the job. The team was always lacking, we were always short, I was always filling the gaps and worrying over issues which I now realize were problems I was trying to ducktape while management took their time to fix. 

But well it seems life does not always go as planned. Covid19 happened. 

I managed to continue with plans made much earlier to go on holiday to the UK before the virus caught up there and then it was time to cut short that holiday and return home.

Learning about myself (remaking) took about 3 months. I have managed to drop some old habits but I am still constantly trying to fill my time with activity. Learning to sit and breathe or sit still is not easy.

I was able to spend alot more time with my folks and not worry about deadlines whenever, wherever.   Strangely being at home I felt I had to cook and clean. So I stopped forcing that schedule and gave myself time out. Started some card crafting again but that took a while to take off.

 

I started to put myself into a "should"situation again where I tied myself to doing things that filled my time rather than things I wanted to do. So I decided - cook when I decided to and clean when I wanted and leave time to do other things that made me relax and happy. This helped me to slow down. to think. reflect and take deeper breaths.