My God loves me...vs Mother Nature

It's a beautiful hymn, that is infrequently sung in church, why is that ?

From time to time, we all need reminders that no matter what the failings or the weaknesses He still does.

Mother Nature is acting out in our part of the world too in a different way. No hurricanes or blizzards or floods or droughts.

All things happen for a reason - anywhere.

The environment has taken a turn for the worst at the moment. The mosquitoes are causing problems with a new strain of Dengue.  Many factors are probably the cause besides breeding sites which we are constantly reminded to prevent, the extreme weather could be the other reason that's helping the mozzies along. No, there is still no cure against the virus of the Aedes mosquito. Nature will continue to find ways to survive.

The PSI (air quality)is bad, every year we go through this problem for a while, where the neighbouring countries (farmers) burn the land to such an extent it affects the air (smells of smoke)all the way across the seas not just here over in Singapore but the whole of the west coast of Malaysia  too. We aren't pulling on oxygen masks just yet. Hope the winds change.

One would think I was not talking about urban Singapore but some backwater  'ulu' country, but this is happening here and now.

How much is within our control, not much I think. We'll just have to weather it.

Coping with ........

As I tried to title this post I was trying to figure, what am I coping with ?

There are just too many areas.

First I thought 'school', the kids timetable and their or my or the schools' push towards academic performance is taking it's toll. Yes exams are around the corner. Exams always seem to be around the corner.

Dealing with the ex is no longer a problem directly but dealing with his antics through playing with the kids'head is another kind of problem. I am learning how to deal with that too, unfortunately I can't say the same for the kids who are neither too young or too old.  You can't force courage or grow it when the fear never really went away and strength never had the opportunity to take root. My ex can't seem to think first for the goodness of his kids except his own selfish end. To him, it's still about winning the game and that means using the kids.
In this instance I think prayer is the only strategy and everyday I strive to keep the kids going at what is important for them.

Then there is work. Does such a thing exist, work-life balance?.  No job is stable today, perhaps if you work in the public sector. Dissatisfaction is one thing, but holding on to it and making it work does not help when the economy is so volatile.
Inflation used to be subtle and silent, but today it's the opposite and so tangible that you hear and feel it constantly when you shop for basics or have a simple meal.

Besides that I've been thinking of moving out of my sector to something more worthwhile but that's difficult at my age too.

So we plod on and make whatever works work.
My mind is constantly racing even when I try to do something restful and calming, there's always something to worry about, to plan for, to frown about and just so little to smile about.

It's hard to just throw caution to the wind.

No I'm not feeling melancholy, just low on faith and irritated by all these bumps along the road.

My plants...

I have been excited about getting my balcony garden going since I bought the apartment.

It's been about 3 months now, and I don't think I'm doing too badly for someone with not so green thumbs.

I can't seem to get any of the twiners growing though.  I had a fern sort of a creeper, that died, and the latest unsuccessful attempt is the passion flower.

I'm think I'll give up on the idea of a twiner for now.  It's depressing to see two empty pots. I'll probably re pot one of the smaller ones into them soon.

As you see, the rest are not doing too badly.  There's a jasmine and a small rose plant which I hope will thrive.

the corner that gets the 4-6 (South -West facing) afternoon sun is doing ok... 

I'm trying to figure out how to put the hooks in the ceiling, so my moneyplant in the corner is still sitting on the bench there and growing real well.

I'm told I can't go wrong with a Dracaena which is this tall plant. 

Dracaena., even the tiny cutting at the bottom(next to the big stem) there has got a couple of new shoots. and at the far right is the wilted away Passion Flower twiner...:(

Two planter pots, on top is the African Violet and below the remaining Petunias.. Little direct sun from this end..

Problem is the flowering plants. I started out with a number of pots of petunias which died.. except for these remaining pink ones that are surviving due their proximity to the window. The ones on the inside died.  African Violets I'm told do not need much light so I hope these survive, they are a relatively new addition compared to the others.

I had a problem trying to remove the windows, hence the reduced area open to light, haven't given up on the idea yet.

It's only been a few months, I m impatient I suppose. I've got a couple of big plants outside the entrance door and I 'm thinking  I'd like to get some more.

Any green-thumbers out there, how about some advice...

I've been reading up on the indoor gardening bits, about special soils and fertilisers, there's a lot to learn.

Divorce and my Faith

Saying it out loud is about facing it.

I've been trying to get my parish priest to come bless my new home and of course he is busy but I am hoping he can soon.

Ever since the divorce was final, every sermon and every 'opinion' about those divorced or about divorce pricks my conscience. I've been thinking I do need to speak to a priest about it but I procrastinate.

Is it guilt or fear? My only thought is that man judges differently from God. While I feel confident that God understands my circumstance I'm not so confident how a priest would.  Because I did not initiate it even though I had more cause to,  I have always believed this is was God's solution to my many pleas.

Everything I have heard is about - not going there. There's nothing about it when you are there and every time the subject comes up I step into this void - no white or black or grey. I don't know how to describe it, I don't know what I should think there's just no ground under it. There are articles, some web pages that attempt to address and interpret what the church law implies, but nothing is really clear to me I suppose.

 I'm handling it with the family and friends, no issues there.

For me, it's never been a dead end, it always was the beginning for healing and learning to be again. 

Fresh views and new beginnings

“She isn't crying, but I figure that's only a matter of time.  Scars are just a treasure map for pain you've buried too deep to remember.”   Edward's thoughts on Georgie. - Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult.

Started reading again...
I've FINALLY moved and the unpacking is almost complete...it's been a week and a half....things are settling.. Most of the furniture is in.

The kids love their rooms, the view of the park is great, quiet neighbours and my collection of potted plants is picking up..

Can't wait to get back to some of my old routines.. (this is one of them).. so tired of looking at furniture !!.

The monsoon season is starting, Christmas is coming on in a hurry...

cheers.. 

........stray thoughts

I grew up not feeling loved and so I looked for it.. 
and still I didn't have it when I thought I had found it.
I am loved, I know that in my head 
but the feeling ...
does not extend all the way to my bones, 
Do you know what I mean. 
I am not alone but 
I am still looking for love.

Settling in for a while

It's been about 2 weeks since we moved into the rental. The first 3 days were tiring, and only about half the boxes are unpacked. I can't imagine what the final move brings or means. Whatever does not need to be opened is stored away, mostly books and half the toys, kitchen crockery, decorative items and my craft stuff. I'm hoping to clear out more stuff before we finally move.  I decided to throw out smaller fitting clothes(keeping them a while now) thinking that if I managed to loose some weight I'd be only too happy to spend on new clothes.


There's a different feeling definitely, liberated .. no paranoia except close to the ex 's weekends and when he phones the kids. Otherwise I'm trying get the kids back to whatever is normal school and play. The kids feel it, a difference for the better but the alternate weekend stays with the ex is something we are all getting accustomed to in our own way.

It'll be a testing month too for the ex as he tries to manipulate and push the boundaries of his time with the kids. There's been a couple of incidents already and I am trying to figure out the best way to deal with it.

I'm trying to spend some time with the kids to do normal rather than non-moving stuff.
I'll be busy still as I have begun the renovation prep for the apartment and getting into fixtures, bathroom fittings, tiles, lights, colours and so on, trying to decipher new things and electronic appliances.

There's tonnes to do and so little time. But I am excited to take this next step of my journey



  

Counting down the days ..

In another 5 days, I will be finally out of this house and ex's face at my back.  There are more than 50 boxes packed up and still a few more before we move. I'm glad I started three weeks ago.  I have mobilized my sister and family to help out on the day of move, mostly where I can't be in two places at one time.

I am looking forward to the 'liberty' of talking freely, of my children talking freely and of us being able to be ourselves without anxiety.   Of course the ex has access to the kids on the alternate weekends and so on, but for the most part, we can move on as we used to before his return and interference for his own motives and my kids can hopefully get back to the track they were on for studies and we can all find some semblance of peace within us and in the home again.

The kids are currently having their term tests and will soon start the 1 week school hols just as we move..

I have confirmed my contractor for the renovations for our new permanent home and I am just finalizing the terms and charges and the design. At least the rental buys me a little more time for the renovation work.  Oh boy, a major step for me to making those types of decisions on furniture and type of tiles... I have a nice little balcony I am hoping to do 'big' things with... excited !!  and I'm still looking for ideas and examples....

Staying in the rental for a couple of months will mean I don't unpack everything just the essentials but well I believe we'll enjoy it for the duration.

Unfortunately work is taking it's toll, I can't afford to take leave, but I am managing and I thank God for the strength and perseverence to keep doing a something everyday no matter how tired - from where they came I have no idea....... probably up above..

I miss the blogs, my regular reads, hope to set up the PC, soon after we move.

Moving right along and falling into place.

I have been gone awhile. Have been busy. And I thank God, things are falling in place.
I am moving out soon with the kids.

I was having a major headache about moving out in time and yet being able to have sufficient time for the renovation of the new apartment to my satisfaction without compromising. Despite the grace period for exit from the current home, the new apartment is just not going to be handed over soon enough.  The timing of the move was in the middle of the kids' exams, can you imagine the disruption. 

At the same time given my ex's neuroticism, I decided the best was for me to exit the house first before him as early as possible to reduce the tension all around. His allegations and threats through the lawyer about 'his' property in the current home is mind boggling, there is no civility in his response to simple requests, insults my lawyer almost as if he is going psycho. He still sits as if in authority and control. My lawyer tells me, to flick it off like a irritating fly and not be perturbed by him or for her.  I cannot begin to describe the sleepless nights and weight of worry.

He is working up to his appeal and his paranoia and interference is getting more frequent and disturbing.

For more than a month I had been searching for short term rental which is tough cos landlords prefer at least 1 year if not 6 months, on top of that I needed to be picky on location that would satisfy the three kids (school - timing, disruption, proximity etc).  And I don't need more than 3 months.

It's working out better than I could have directed myself, we've just got a rental to settle in,  during the short school break and then we'll have plenty of time to move into our new home during the long school break after their exams, and the workmen don't have to rush and I can take my time to get the furnishing.

An unseen hand, yes....

Talking to the dog ?

For the past few days, I've been talking to the dog, mostly I ask her one question, why life is so complicated?
Of course she's been patient and listens.

Feeling melancholy over what the kids have gone through and still to go through.

I want them to be happy and worry free but that seems impossible.

Note to self ...

Deal with 1 problem or conflict at a time

Do not let the words of your ex repeated by the kids to you, rile you. Think don't react.

Do not share complaints about your ex in the children's hearing.

Always send out a quick prayer for patience.




Remind yourself that your ex is a psychotic moron.

Looking for my calm

The waiting is taking it's toll. I'm thinking.... look at rental while I'm waiting for the apartment so I don't have to put up with my ex's  foolhardy attempts to rile me with his stupid accusations and threats.
The house is not yet falling apart but the appliances and furniture which are old seem to be saying sayonara one by one.
It's like they know the end is near.

While the ex is still freeloading he has the audacity to blame me for breaking his things and letting things go to ruin and threatening to bring liable and legal charges.  I am advised to stay calm, and let him blow his hot air, his aim is ti wear me down.

Among other things, he's going to use the dog as his support for my not running a proper household.

It does seem like he's panicking, his reign of terror will soon be over and that's why he's craving attention.... so goes one theory.

I remind myself about prayer and trust and patience. I believe there's always been a (divine) plan....it seems I forget when it builds.

I wish he would just leave.

The next phase...

Outwardly I am moving forward, I have found an apartment and am now figuring out ways to renovate and refurbish to make it a comfortable home. It will be about 4 months more before I can move in.

In the meantime...
 
The next phase I thinks is called 'coming to terms'. While the paper work says final and all that, deep within the heart of me I suppose there is still grief for the loss. And yet while I tell myself I held on despite of.........I still do feel guilt.

I have been telling myself for the past few month that it is time to go talk to a priest, but is it confession or is it just an outpouring to lighten my burden or to hear him say 'it couldn't be helped or I did what I could do or it was not within my control etc etc..
More afraid is that he would say what I gather from my mother, it is the bed I made, and therefore I should accept it..

I think I would not know where to begin.

At Sunday mass,... do they do it on purpose ?  It is because of what is said during sermons and seminar-invites about keeping the family together that makes this trip quite difficult to let go. I suppose it would work for some who have recourse or where there is some hope.  Would we not avoid it if we could ?  Does anyone go through divorce for a lark ?

It always comes back to this,
if I were to think like a counselor, ' I could not change him so I changed me'
But that didn't help the kids when his behaviour affected them, then how could I not be me for them.

What a tangled web we weave...........

Labour and love.

remembering...

Labour and love.: Steadily it continues to tick, changing seasons... mothers persevere, even as time moves, but still we lag. We slow our steps to give...

(click on the title for the rest..)

Happy Mother's Day 

Learning on the go and house hunting.

It's been tiring both physically and mentally. I'm taking myself through a crash course to understand what it would entail financially and in terms of loan timing to get moving on a place I see and like.
 I have spoken to different realtors and getting clarification from the bank where I can to see I may move forward as there are still some complications involving the local housing policy.

I started looking and then wondered how I was going to decide. But somehow along the way, my preferences became clearer and I knew almost right away what I didn't want.  The environment was important, I don't want to be hemmed in on all sides, I wanted a facing that was at least breezy and clear, rather than have someone else's living room window looking into mine. Traffic noise vs the quiet, the distance to the nearest bus stop, how convenient for the kids to to get to school and so on.  Then I'm balancing the need for renovations and then time to do that.  I'm thinking of interior decor and deign ideas while I'm surveying and doing the math.

I listed, I prioritize,  and then I came upon one in particular apartment that met many of the criteria BUT was that the one?  Or was it the one with traffic noise? 
My heart wanted it before my head did the checks. So is this my sign?  I'm giving myself a little more time, to see if God willing that be the one.

I've begun to clean out the present home, slowly getting the kids to filter through their stuff and clearing out what is not likely to be taken with us on the move.

It's been a busy few weeks, tomorrow is a public holiday , "Labour  day' I intend to rest my weary self.

Gently he leads...

This phrase is so apt, and I know most assuredly, I don't have to worry. Things are going really smoothly, and because they are moving I believe God takes care of those things I have no control over while I do what I can do.
I'm talking about selling the house.

I had been worried that things would get messy and confused with both of us using different realtors trying to handle the sale but it has not been the case because this guy came into the picture.
And I do thank God.

There's this real estate broker who knew us(my ex and I) both from a long way back, and while he is more my ex's friend and associate (and probably the only real friend my ex has left), I think he's a God sent. He has taken care of the sale arrangements and very objectively acts as liaison for the necessary.
Sure he is going to get something out of the sale for himself, but it is his character I read and know. He is a nice family man, mature in his outlook and  draws one's respect.  Because of him, my ex is not making a nuisance of himself (as much) on the house sale either.

I am not a overly religious person but I must say it He is there beside me and my trust in him is all the more.

Soon , these things take time... it's coming, I hope I'll be posting from new home..very soon....

Easter and new beginnings

Happy Easter to all who celebrate. I have been busy, trying to move the sale of the matrimonial home as they say. I'm not sure if the ex is stalling but I'm pushing it to move forward and away from his face as soon as it can be arranged.

The law is a strange creature when it comes to 'domestic' issues, and I have found it frustrating in my present situation. I have been looking at new possible homes, unfortunately I can't move on anything until this house is sold. My youngest is impatient to get a move on, soon I tell him , soon.. it's been one year and a half already, but I know it will be soon.

We have come past lent into Easter. For me it feels a like a truly fresh start to living again. My experience through this last season has been fuller and deeper in feeling, expression and thought in many ways.

There is more calm within me as I take charge of my life again, with less anger and even hate. It enters now and then, like a thief .. but I deal with it better. Is it God reaching deeper, is it faith or is it just the sense of self and learning more to BE.

Assert assert assert...

I'm learning things about myself in the next phase where I'll have to take risks with the law and force myself to do things I am not comfortable with. I am still afraid because the law does not always seem to be on my side until all things are iron clad and clear cut. 
Ok so I'm a nice person, and you really have to push me to the edge before I can stay mean and act mean with you.  As much as I hate my ex for all the pain and suffering, I cannot hate his mother who is in the middle.

There is a property that needs to be sold owned by both of my ex and I but which is currently being occupied by his mother-in-law and him for most of the time when he is not skulking in the home that we occupy. We had purchased it at a point in time when she had no place to go and he did not want her staying with us ( nice son huh?). That house has to be sold first and so a valuation needs to be done. A valuation means I need to get access to the house. Eventhough it has been our property, because it was the mother-in law, I never sought to make a key. We were not charging her rent while we both paid for it, and he (ex) was helping her to upkeep the house and in the last few years, he stayed there  instead of the current home before he filed.

There is a grey area when something is shared or not absolutely cut and dry(in this case the house is in both our names) where the law is concerned and yet I seem to always put myself in the position of defense rather than offense. My ex is stalling on this and I have waited a month. I'm trying to play by the 'nice' rules, give notice and sufficient time for him to act, let his mum know that a valuer will be by. He could have arranged it before me but he didn't. So I have to act. The cops do not say I'm in the right nor am I in the wrong if I have to force my way into the house to get the valuation done, perhaps I should go back to court to force an order.

There were many scenarios playing out in my head, if the occupants had opened the door but stopped me, I would have had to call the police and created more of a scene which made me uncomfortable but that was what asserting myself would have entailed. I kept thinking about his reactions and the possible consequences.
My concern was, can he file a complaint against me if I did something. Between the advise of the lawyer and the police, it seems it is my right as owner to enter the premises by whatever means.  If the police can't advise me against it or suggest the best way, it means it boils down to just me ensuring I can justify it and cover all the bases. Call the police ONLY if there is trouble caused. And so after much thought, and much pressure to not waste my off day and the valuer's time, I called in a locksmith. Thank God the locksmith and the valuer were understanding of my predicament. I can't seem to think of using the grey to my advantage.

I did all the right things, he was notified earlier,  there was a 2 hour waiting period,  I waited, I knocked, I called and still no one was home (so it seemed).  So I made a decision, get a locksmith, got the valuer to come back  Again I checked with the police and what they were not saying was 'I could not do it', and I even suggested for an officer to observe but they said no, just call if there is trouble.  So here I am on the offense.

Lo and behold, after we got the doors open and then the room doors which were also locked, we find my mother-in-law hiding in the room. Was she advised by her son that we would be coming, did she hear us knock, did she hear the phone ring.... NO NO NO... she said she needed to call her son, and the first thing out of her mouth on the phone was , 'they come into the house already '. I pity the poor woman and what her son has / is putting her through ( to lie on his behalf). 

He has to sell it as well and it has nothing to do with the clarification, so what is his game? He wants control of the sale? He was aware I would be there today and had told his mum not to answer the door or the phone and keep all the windows and curtains closed.

My lawyer, for the sake of me showing  MEAN, would have me banging down the door without any notice or preamble but to show I am the owner and I can do anything I want'. I'm advised I can't be soft, 'assert' she says, but I argue it's not about asserting it's about ensuring I am not doing anything illegal.  It feels that her definition of assertiveness is creating a scene to demand, but I realise she does not always give me the right advise where the grey area is concerned, because not all angles are explored, and that makes me uncomfortable. I'm so used to doing stuff in a 'civilized' manner, I have never had to call the police or think of using force in any situation before and now my ex has forced me to enter that arena, because he can't do anything amicably even if it is to both our benefit.  I think about it, but I can't just take his clothes and throw it out. I also keep thinking that one of the side effects will be stress on the kids if it's something they witness.

I had to do what I had to do, I can't stall or I will be out of funds to support the current roof over my head. The ex is playing games with the maintenance orders at the moment claiming that he is pending clarification. I'm trying to think of it as a adventure in assertiveness training. 
If you are not born with 'mean', it's hard to find it in you even after years of abuse.

Sorting out Loose ends...

Unfortunately until I am able to sell this house and move out with the kids, I will not see the back of my ex.  My youngest grows impatient waiting for the move. There are a few hurdles to get over and I will have to use the courts again to clear the sale should my ex create more delays and thwart the orders, in the process.

I am advised to push through and I will.

The biggest part is over, I know I can do what needs to be done next. It's a lot of planning and formulating and meeting with the banks and looking at new homes.

Because of the appeal I believe my ex intends to put through, I still am wary although I'm told not to worry. I've seen his actions translate to whining in the past 6 months on paper and while I'm closer to understanding how the courts read this, I am still going to be paranoid as long as he is under the same roof and looking over our shoulders for the slightest incident to twist and spin.

He is still going to try his damndest to be a thorn in my side but I am going to use the courts and the police for the slightest reason that he gives me to ensure he understands I am standing my ground and that he does not intimidate me any longer.

If you have included me in your prayers, please continue cos it 's not over and  peace is the goal for all of us and I thank you.

Finally done....

I thank God that it is over . The kids stay with me for the most part although of course there are the alternate weekends.
I can move forward on getting a new home, what a relief.  The property sale will take at least a few months to settle but  at least we are moving.

Most of it is in my favour. So of course the ex is not happy and he claims he will appeal.

Somehow I am less worried about it, because if he intends to display the same insane behaviour, he's not going to make any progress but rather work against himself.

There are complications as to how I going to tackle the settlements but one step at a time, but I'll weather it. It all depends on his cooperation or otherwise if he hopes to delay because of his appeal. I'll just have to use the judicial system to push it.

Thank you Lord, I can finally move forward.

Just thinking .............

I wrote Keep It Together more than a year ago and as I re-read it I think to myself 'thank God that I have'.

There has been little fair play on the X's part, creating storms of paranoia blowing hot and cold and I have weathered them all thus far. Will he continue? I'll have to wait and see.

Faith has grown deep and my prayer is no longer a wail.  And as I wait the final day I feel a sense of sorrow, not panic (not yet) over all that has gone, all that has been invested, these past 20 years.
There is a change in the children too, a kind of strength that is mature and yet sometimes falters.
But it is more present than it used to be.

Time does heal all wounds in time or at least eases the pain.

What does it really mean for them, is still hard to define.
I wait to move forward.

Time to do and think

It's the Chinese New Year holiday, and while I am not Chinese, I enjoy these holidays because it's the only time when it's a two days public holiday and this year it means a good long 4 day weekend.

I get one day to relax, the last day that is and the rest of it to spend with the kids and the family. At the back of my mind, I am consciously counting the days (7..) to the final court day.

I'm keeping myself busy, planning my son's birthday that's coming up next week and occupying myself and them with extra language exercises that they need. The boys unfortunately have a hard time getting into reading books of any kind. They've both got two years to prepare for major exams one for PSLE(to secondary) and one for the O levels. I'm trying out other methods to boost their vocabulary if  I can't force the reading. 

An interesting nugget from M Scott Peck's "Road Less Travelled'  -
Love is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well. I it judicious praising and judicious criticizing. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting..................requires thoughtful and often painful decisionmaking.

Loving my daughter the best way I know how...

The new year has brought with it changes and new experiences and more to come.

I have been nudging my teenage girl to venture out on her own as in getting out into the world of adults and interacting whether it be voluntary work with the SPCA or getting a part time job during the academic breaks.  Relevant experience ? Well that's a side benefit but more importantly is the experience of responsibility, interaction and of the unknown  that is non-academic and non-familial. 

Sometimes I think it's easy to fall into lethargy,  Finally she's started to get into it and getting at it.

Not quite an introvert yet not an extrovert either, I feel she needs to push her boundaries and get out of her very comfortable zones She needs to less fearful of trying, sometimes I think she needs to live a little more than she is compared with other teenagers. 
Is it a consequence of her nature or a consequence of the family situation that has unfolded, I honestly cannot say,  but I do want the best for her and she needs to take those steps for herself. 

If there is the opportunity for her to go further away to study, she'll need that experience and some courage for independence.
I suppose I'm trying to ensure she will not have some of the regrets I have over how I lived or was allowed to live my younger years.

Welcoming the new..

I'm glad 2011 is over, I would not want to relive it again ever.

I'm looking forward to moving away from the old and tired feelings and thoughts. Christmas and the New Year's eve went by with lots of hugs and greetings and it was 85% peaceful, what more can I ask for.

I'm looking forward to what's to come, lots of challenges but then what does one expect when one is beginning anew. A month more to go before the evil X is out of my hair. I can only pray there are no more surprises.

Here's one new area of interest I started on lately, it's got to do with crystals - vibrations, cleansing energy, healing and so on.... . It's all natural, nothing 'woo hoo' about it or supernatural.  It's not about diamonds or expensive stones: no in fact, many are not that rare and they don't have to b polished to be effective.

A friend had introduced me to the use of certain stones (black tourmaline, Amethyst) which I took on based on my friendship with her. Initially, she did not explain what they were for but merely asked me to place them near me or in certain places and observe and be aware.

I realized I felt less of those feelings of of fatigue. There used to be a sense of knowing and yet not doing or forestalling and even a sleeping sort of wakefulness but since then I have regained a greater sense of  alertness particularly in the house and less of the sluggishness which seems to dog me when I am in the house. I began to understand what my friend was telling me without telling me.
I went to do some research.


All this time I put it down to hormones or age or just work fatigue. So maybe there' is a lot more in the environment around me than my naive mind is willing to consider.

The use of crystals in healing and for protection is grounded in the energy and vibration of the natural earth and it's not a religious concept. So I'm looking at it this way,  prayer and faith are weapons but perhaps for my part I can help this battle on another front with the help of natural aids to enhance protection or block the bad energy.
I'm experimenting, and still reading up on this, it's fun and interesting. There is no harm to come from it, if anything there will be positive contribution. 

 A bountiful 2012 to all, wishing all love and peace.

A new Christmas feeling...

The chaos within me has abated,  I am adapting and learning to deal with the conflicts and the anxiety of having my children's time monopolized and manipulated by my ex.  The kids are old enough, they make their own choices.  The final decisions will not be made for another month and a half and I am abiding my time.. I have stopped being and feeling defensive to my ex's whining (through his lawyer). The main  thing I focus on is what is in the child's interest. I'll do what I need to do then, if it's not.

Now and then, the anger leaks in and I have a momentary lapse of wanting to lash out but it's under control. I've put him and his shenanigans out of my mind. After this year, I have come to realise I depend on him for nothing that is necessary.

Patience, humility, tolerance .. these run top of  mind and that seems to help alot but forgiveness, that's not possible yet. I trust that truth will win out.

This Christmas is a new beginning for me. More than ever, I appreciate the family I have and the love that we share and I am grateful to God for his many blessings and lessons.

I wish all bloggers and readers a beautiful Christmas peace and a good New Year ahead.

A Self reflection; learning to live honestly

The last quarter always sees more family occasions. I realize recently that my attitude to attending events that bring me in closer contact with relatives has changed and for the better – I'm less apprehensive and less calculating in my thoughts of what might be asked and how I might respond where my ex is concerned.

They must have noticed his absence from social functions for many years now. Not strange then, they have stopped asking me about it or him. 

I feel more open in my thoughts, there is less or hardly that sense of being imperfect or defensiveness  that I used to ‘arm ‘ myself with when going to these family affairs.

I suppose it would be called coming to terms with what has always been and what it will be and what it actually is today.

I want to be the person in charge of me again.

Who am I or was I trying to satisfy, why pretend?

Society is not perfect and as I sat in the living room of my brother's in-laws and the families a couple of weeks ago, I thought, everyone has issues,  I don't judge them, why should they judge me.

Why do we love ourselves less and not see our weakness as our humanness that is forgivable by God and yet not by ourselves? Do we set higher standards for being who we should be?

Waiting for Joy

It's been an exhausting few weeks, mentally more than anything.
I can't wait for everything to be over and to have my X out of my face. It will be soon,  looking forward to the joy of living.  The children are impatient too but I think they are handling it better than I am. In fact they play the 'game' quite well.  They seem almost stoic about  their father's behaviour, which is escalating in terms of the show of power and aggression. They do not want me confronting him. I have to wait it out.
He thinks he's winning, well he can have his illusion.

-------------------------------------------

My latest diversion is reading Eric Fromm, it's seriously tough text to follow but here and there there is light on particular subjects of interest. Here's something I want to remember particularly from his discussion....I keep trying to imagine how and what it would be/feel like in this ultimate situation of true Joy.

Eric Fromm writes about the difference between joy and pleasure and that what God wants for us is Joy as a virtue of living in the mode of being. Pleasure is transient, momentary and a product of possessions and the need to have.

Master Eckhart's thinking interprets it such.."When God laughs at the soul and the soul laughs back at God, the persons of the Trinity are begotten..
...when the Father laughs to the son and the son laughs back to the Father, that laughter gives pleasure, that pleasure gives joy, that joy gives love and love gives the persons [of the Trinity] of which the Holy Spirit is one. .................
Joy, then, is what we experience in the process of growing nearer to the goal of becoming oneself"

Why did I not get out?

I was waiting for a miracle. I prayed for help, a way. I suppose in the deepest deepest part of my mind I had this everlasting hope.

choppy waters, rocks aplenty...

But my prayers were not to be answered so easily or too soon. The abuse, the narcissistic behaviour began a long time ago and I suppose another reason for hanging on was the hope that he would mature and change.

But that was not to be even as I carried my first child. I was treated no better or differently. But still I hung on. I am Catholic and as much as I think myself a grade B- quality type of Catholic, deep down my faith mattered , my vows mattered, the sacrament mattered. It would not be right for the kids. So I held on. Was it cowardly?

Imagine having to hold your breathe on your partner's reactions/response to soup that comes out of a familiar can; because that taste too is your responsibility. 90% of the time, nothing is good enough or well done or right ..
I didn't make it worse, I took on the meek role and stayed in the silence which grew longer and longer each time, but I couldn't make it better. Maybe if I kept the peace long enough, he would see?

After the third child, he didn't change for the better, he got more arrogant and his self-esteem did not improve with respect to me, more tyrannical, using the silent treatment permanently on me as his means for punishment and his physical temper emerged more and more frequently.  Sometimes I think he has a brain disease. And still I did not think of getting out. I prayed for wisdom too.

I got the courage to take out the protection order, not for myself but for the kids. When I think back I can't recall what pushed me to take those steps, did I plan did I think it through.... 
Hoping again that he would see (reality) what he had to do (a chance to try to hold this family together) and consequently would shake him and make him realize he needed help and advise for his behavior that was not right; that he would then attempt to salvage us all as a family unit.  But that didn't happen.  I once said that hope can be bad thing,  this is what I meant.

And so I wondered then what was the answer, I got up the courage to take ONE step, was it up to me to take the next and last resort, to break the vows, was that the way ?

But that was not.  In the end, it was he who did it. Why at this time, I can't figure?

But this seems to be that final answer to my problem and repeated prayer.

There are several thoughts that come to mind as I surmise what has passed:
I was meant to have three kids and not stop at one
There is a purpose for their being.
I was meant to take that extra journey of suffering, it made me stronger and to become a different person from the one who started out. My faith is stronger.
I have come to appreciate what normal means in most human natures - my tolerance is that much more for the range of human temperaments as nothing comes remotely close to the evil nature of my ex whom I have had to  survive with all these years.
Perhaps this is where fate is meant to take me.
This is where his guiding spirit led me.  God does not intervene until you give him permission and so he couldn't give me the miracle I asked for.

Strangely calm

Whether it's trust in God or just the belief that there is little more I can do, I realize I have been less anxious and less paranoid over the current events and situation. It's like I have decided I have to leave it in the hands of the high court and know that it will turn out for the best.  I hope it's faith.

My ex has been filling my middle child's head with lies, intimidating the youngest with his growling and sarcasm and pressing for the sale of the house through the lawyers. He is attempting to solve his own problem where the property issues are concerned by addressing half of the ancillary issue to his own benefit without a solution to my own housing issue. While he flings words such as 'putting me on notice' and the 'uncertain property market' prices etc etc there is nothing for it but to wait for the high court to settle it all that includes my issues.

He is either dense or stupid or just plain selfish if he thinks I will give in and put myself at a disadvantage just to take advantage of property prices !  I feel the storm building around him.  He rails at some poor victim over the phone from time to time, I think it's his mother (poor woman),I feels sorry for her, but I am glad he can no longer take out his frustration on me or the kids.

I think he is desperate financially, since he's been attempting to stay in the country to show the court he can work from here rather than have to stay overseas where he has been operating his business for the most part of the last few years.

I know where the kids stand, I hope it's the same place that the court stands.

Gift to Frens

May the love and warmth of friendship
fuel our being,
our hearts and mind cherish,
every moment of our living;
what all, we bring together
in our meetings, our crafts, our sharing,
in the peace of our laughter
and in the knowing of each other,
We strive
to keep our souls alive .

 - HA

Worried, I can't help it.

Can anyone really understand our situation unless they have been in one like it or faced a scheming narcissist such as my ex. I am worried about the interview with the family court counselor. Will she ask the right questions and will she interpret the answers correctly. Does she understand the context of the situation the kids have lived under for the past many years. Will she get the true picture?

The next 3 weeks are going to be heavy with anxiety.


I pray it will all work out satisfactorily.

Wednesday Solitude: Working on defects

There were two reflections that stayed stuck to me this past week and seemed to follow me, entering my mind at the oddest times and places.

I have been worrying additionally as events are coming to a head soon, I suppose one leads to the other....

1. A reflection from the 25th week Friday encourages us to be more present, to make good use of the time that is now and not think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow. Essentially offer only the present moment to God and fill it with your worth.

Mat 6:34 "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day"

Ecc 11:4 "He who observes the wind will not sow; and he who regards the clouds will not reap"

2. In a reflection of 26th week Tuesday reading,  I am reminded of CS Lewis's Screwtape's letters, in that our defects are our weakest points through which temptation enters. 

The apostles themselves I am reminded were not perfect and Christ was patient and taught them. I am encouraged.

 

Somewhere in the reflection it goes "progress in our life of piety depends a good deal on our recognition and understanding of our dominant defect.  This is the defect which has the biggest influence on our behaviour and thinking."

So it's not the same for you and me, I will have to find my own path to holiness by working on that defect and strengthening the interior life.

Is the World spinning faster ?

Where did the time go? In a blink, I can't believe it. 

Only a quarter of the year to go, September is soon ending. 

While I walked was I unconscious

through months, days, hours, only to realize I'm here now. 

I still recall the beginning of the year

thinking 'it's going to be a long year' 

and yet here I am now. 

Work and kids are consuming but Troubles are too, 

that's where Time went flying, into a black hole of distraction. 

Can I slow it down? 

But then it has not been a good year, so let it fly, next year will be better. 

I'll have to attempt to be more present. 

When I think back, read what is written, lived through, had created along that way, 

I am quite glad; there are fruits and flowers, it's not all barren or sad. 

There are footprints too, not mine alone.
Where did time go?

Wrestling with deeper thoughts

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.   - Saint Francis de Sales

Off and on I think..... what did I do to deserve this kind of torment.  How naive I was to have married such a monster and lived with him for so many years. Was I that wrapped up in work? Did I so successfully ignore the harsh reality that I survived it all this while and continued to do just that 'survive' instead of being  'alive'.

The wake up call to 'un-zombify' came in two hard knocks (think this is what they mean by God shaking the earth under you). One was my retrenchment from an all absorbing job and the other was the increased sociopathic behaviour of the ex. There was an increasing obsession with 'discipline' and a corresponding suffering of the kids which my senses began to grow increasingly troubled with. Did one lead to the other or did my change of situation lead to the blunt awareness.

... this keeps on circling in my thoughts...

I have never thought of myself as a perfect mother, and being a working one perhaps that had been my crutch. I have never been in the position to not have to work, and so now and then I have these feelings of regret and wish I could go back in time to capture more memories with my kids.

The kids have more because of it on one hand but less of me in other ways. It is my loss.
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation  I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....

I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path, they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.

Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum of who I am now is the result of where I have been.  And so I am more able to take on and cope with what is happening now.

feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....

It bugs me that I cannot carry all their burdens,  I can try to anticipate to lighten it.

I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.

Is it because I am a mother that I demand more of myself or is it just me demanding more of me?

What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?



Chimes in children's voices

It's Sunday, and I usually take the dog for a walk in the evening and sit in the playground for a while, usually an hour before sunset.  In the past months I have noticed, there are more young children, and from a number of nationalities. It's like a junior UN.

I enjoy this moment when I have it.

It's quite something to watch them interact. They may be strangers initially for about three minutes, but soon they are bosom buddies, screaming, yelling playing catch or hide and seek and chasing each other all over the park. They play together, falling in so easily,  no matter the age difference or skin colour or their accents; the more the merrier. Unspoken rules yet they understand the child's world of play.

As I sit there listening, I find myself undisturbed and sooth; there is a sweetness in the voices, a freedom, ..not a care.I'm lulled into this nether world of innocence for a little while as I rest on a park bench amid plants and trees, lulled by voices like gentle chimes.

I wonder, is this  an example of what Ericc Fromm tried to describe as the 'Shabbat institution' ( a Sunday rest).."rest in the sense of the re-establishment of complete harmony between human beings and between them and nature."

Managing tension? Add Faith...

‘Hypertension’ the moment the doctor mentioned that my BP was approaching that level it has kept me thinking.  Am I in a state of distress ?. Am I putting myself there?. I have always considered myself calm and patient and yet perhaps it’s being eroded by all the negative things going on in my life for the past year. I just realized it has been a year, since the actual proceedings began.

I’ve moved from acceptance to elation to worry.

Acceptance because I can finally get on with living and not the hollow shell I have been for so long, acceptance because this is where my prayers have led me and this must be the step, the only solution which I am grateful has been taken out of my hands.

Elation because of the liberation from the abusive environment and the hell of my ex’s ill-foreboding ever-presence. Worry over the mischief the ex is

Life - like a carnival

Stepping into colours and sights,
sounds, smells, noise and wild movement.

Exhilaration and excitement unfurls, 

where to begin, what to try, which to sample.

Slowly the atmosphere soaks in, we warm up,
the game stalls beckon,

look at those soft toys, a sigh, not easy,  we move on.

Check out the carousel, how many rides,

just get on, let's not get off at all,

round and round,  easy and breezy, 

round and round, up and down,

Are we free, feels whimsical, 

can we toss the worries,

can I stay forever on my white horse.

Cotton candy puffs and popcorn smells, let’s get some.

We’re done,  it’s time to get the heart pumping.

Do we ride the roller coaster or the magic carpet?

Upside down or a real fast drop, what a choice, both or one.

We scream at the top of our lungs, breathing hard,

gripping the sides, knuckles straining out.

One more time, now with eyes open

we do it again, the speed demon takes over.

More exhilarated, eyes bright, minds giddy,

we rush on to the magic carpet.

Heart and stomach lost in transit, shot straight down, 

we come out and down, happily dazed.

Looking up, there looms ahead a glittering Ferris wheel.

Slowly and steadily, it seems to call. 

Let’s get to the top of the world. 

Will we ever get there? 

Another round, another shot at the top.

Slow and steady, in and out, we breathe in the clear air,
as we make our way.

Finally,  we are back down to earth, 

and it’s time to take leave.

Goodnight to lights, noise, smells and sights.

We're done now,
childhood, to youth, to grey.

(HA-8/11)

250th Post

250 posts and crawling.. ... I celebrated 150 posts in October last year, somewhere along the way I hit 200 and didn't celebrate.

I'm still writing, and I am glad. It's been a trouble-filled first half of year for me and a trying one for the kids. My hobby time is seriously compromised and I'm aching to get back to it. But the kids and this drama are taking a toll.

Writing helps, taking my mind off and into other modes of thoughts helps to keep some form of balance ...to be objective and think about what is important. I have been going back over some of what I have written and there are many reminders and lessons that show that time heals different wounds.
In many of them, I  seem to be talking to me!

I think a good posting average would be 1 a week, if I can keep up that is. I started in June 2009, so I think I'm doing OK.

http://mothersalways.blogspot.com/2010/03/stand-tall.html

Divorce Coach | A Narcissist Will Not Cease and Desist!

I came across this blog through's Mandy's blog sincemydivorce.com.. and there's a picture close to my reality..I did marry a narcissist..This is what stresses me out, will he desist?

Divorce Coach | A Narcissist Will Not Cease and Desist!

That time of the month...

This is a post that only women CAN understand.  I haven't hit 50 yet,  I keep thinking that instead of getting better during THAT time of the month, it feels worse. .. hormones !!!!
Today this is how I feel, my body feels like it has aged 20years or more and my eyes feel like my brain is squishing down on it and my joints feel stiff and sore (like I'm 90 though I have no idea how a 70 year old feels either).  It's like overnight,  someone took my body and replaced it with some old cranked up worn down body.  That SUMS IT UP.

But thankfully usually and HOPEFULLY, it's over within a couple of days, but it's horrible when you can't take off and you have to sit in the office and work and smile like everything is normal, FINE and DANDY.

The primrose isn't helping.!

Fresh

 

I stepped out this morning

the earth smelt fresh, washed,

very little was stirring

even the sun seemed abashed,

hidden behind veils of white,

not a human sound

nor one in sight.

Then, further down the road,

an engine, a gnawing drone

dogs awaken in their abode

I am no longer alone.

The newspaper arrives,

hear the barks come alive.

What news brings the day

houses rouse, raps and thuds,

a cool breeze whispers, leaves sway,

alone, me and my thoughts.

(HA 08/11)

Having and being

As I read Eric Fromm's book I think about what's happening now, with the children in the middle.

Is my ex's goal to have the kids, to have power over them or is it because he truly loves them?  In this phase of 'no man's land' for the kids I have decided that I will do what is best for them (not back away, I can't do that to the kids), but at the same time I will not worsen the tense situations the ex creates.
To him it is about control and power and who wins, that's the way it has always been. There has never been gentleness or compassion before now, yet he displays it now in a very restrained fashion. I read the 'disbelief' in the kids' faces but I know they play a survivor's game, almost like 'keep the brute happy so he keeps calm'.

They have attempted to speak and he walks over them. Soon it will be settled and I have to be patient and so will they. He makes comments to the boys about what he believes I feel or what I'm doing to thwart him. All I'm doing is trying to balance their relax time and outing time. But the ex has strange thoughts that I'm manipulating them, when it is he who seems to be doing that on his time with the boys.
I know this because the boys convey some of these strange statements and comments my ex makes. 

He tries to grab as much of the public holiday time and keep the boys out all day.  The kids grumble to me but the boys have to speak up for themselves and I hope they find the courage to do it eventually.
It took me years, I cannot expect more from them.

Matt 14:27,31  

“Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ......

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Retreats should effect a positive change for you while not creating new burdens for others.

Beware 'retreats' that are all about you. Somebody talked to me about attending a retreat a short while ago. The retreat was about clearing one's own baggage, dropping past negatives and finding peace on a straight unencumbered road forward.

Interesting thing about it was that it was not a spiritual or a religious-based retreat but a secular one. But what it also included (one of the many outcomes perhaps) was some form of confession (opening yourself) as part of the cleansing process to someone who had a negative impact on your life. To clear that blockage so that you can proceed to love that someone fully and immerse your self in their lives more fully rather than keeping that distance you came to realise that you kept.

I had heard from someone who had attended this retreat and what struck me, what was off here was, would they be hurting someone else(elders) by bringing up something they( eg your parents) might then be bothered with.  Shouldn't it be done without passing the burden, rather to face yourself and put it in the past.  Confess for your desired change if you must, speak of it but do not lay the cause at another's feet so it may burden them. If they cannot do anything about it now, why create issues where none were for others. So the handling of that should be delicate too, does the retreat address that or does it just 'sell' the participant to do what is needed for themselves and 'all will be well'.

The outcome of your actions is to work for you but think of the consequences of your actions on others too.

Conflicting thoughts and making right choices.

Whenever we make a decision, whatever the circumstances, whatever the reasons, it's still our choice, right or wrong, we own it, we take responsibility for it. This is one of the classic steps to ease stress.

It struck me that at some point I would have to let the children make their choices and learn from it.

I can't continue to protect them on every front because I am not there. Hence my conflict, I have to rationalize.

I've been thinking alot lately that I am still allowing him(X) to yank my chain, through the children. I have been attempting to run interference but I'm advised, there's very little I can do at this point eventhough it could be what is right for them. The kids know that alot of things do not  feel right and yet, are they hoping to please both sides?  Is it fear or love that prods them, it's hard to decipher.
To me, I think they might not be the best judge, but I'm advised they are old enough even for 10 to know the difference.
The children must make their stand and learn to face their fears too. I do not want to cause more tensions and more confusion for the kids.  And the children ultimately need to realise what it is they want and what makes them happy, not what they think should or ought to be right thing to do.

The harsh truth is,  consequences may be the best teacher.

And I cannot please everyone either, I have do what I need to do too.

There is no right or wrong, just a difficult road.