Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with
yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but
instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew. - Saint Francis de Sales
Off and on I think..... what did I do to deserve this kind of torment. How naive I was to have married such a monster and lived with him for so many years. Was I that wrapped up in work? Did I so successfully ignore the harsh reality that I survived it all this while and continued to do just that 'survive' instead of being 'alive'.
The wake up call to 'un-zombify' came in two hard knocks (think this is what they mean by God shaking the earth under you). One was my retrenchment from an all absorbing job and the other was the increased sociopathic behaviour of the ex. There was an increasing obsession with 'discipline' and a corresponding suffering of the kids which my senses began to grow increasingly troubled with. Did one lead to the other or did my change of situation lead to the blunt awareness.... this keeps on circling in my thoughts...
I have never thought of myself as a perfect mother, and being a working one perhaps that had been my crutch. I have never been in the position to not have to work, and so now and then I have these feelings of regret and wish I could go back in time to capture more memories with my kids.
The kids have more because of it on one hand but less of me in other ways. It is my loss.
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....
I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path, they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.
Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum of who I am now is the result of where I have been. And so I am more able to take on and cope with what is happening now.
feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....
I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path, they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.
Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum of who I am now is the result of where I have been. And so I am more able to take on and cope with what is happening now.
feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....
It bugs me that I cannot carry all their burdens, I can try to anticipate to lighten it.
I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.
I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.
Is it because I am a mother that I demand more of myself or is it just me demanding more of me?
What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?
What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?
BM i think that life is unique and no matter how much we try to fathom we are still at loss and questioning...always. The process goes on.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely circumstances make us realise and mostly the torturous and painful ones. Some of us succumb and others emerge like the phoenix rising from the ashes. i would want to see you as the latter, actually am seeing u as that.
Motherhood is a part of that uniqueness of life and down the road we all feel guilty of not being perfect in that. But just like a friend had dried me of the tears of guilt many years back when i had thrashed my only son i will want to be the same to you.
You love them and that's all that matters and i'm sure they would be knowing it too. In time they would understand perfectly well when their own experiences lighten those dark/grey areas.That is if they have any. And they would love and respect you more.
Have no doubts...move on stronger with all your patience and slowly, gradually you will make out the order in the chaos if not fully but something of it.
Sry if it's turning out to be like a blogpost than a comment but had to tell u all. Including this that i thought as a kid/teenager/adult that my Ma was so prejudiced and biased and that she was not my Ma at all. i thought maybe when she delivered me the baby me got swapped by accident. Today when she is no more i wish she could come even in my dreams and i could say sorry and express my enormous respect and gratitude for all that she did for me. My own experiences have taught me how much she loved me and how much she suffered and sacrificed...
Trust me on this Motherhood brings you closer to the original you. The rest i can say has many words...starts with attraction and ends with detachment.
The words are also for me...thanks for sharing the words of Saint Francis de Sales and your reflections.
" Whereever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine." Anthony J. D'Angelo.
Dear Shivani, thank you so much for your words and your very strong encouragement. It's hard when one looks inwards, sometimes I know exactly what you have said and sometimes it doesn't seem to apply.
ReplyDeleteThere is a wealth of meaning in between 'attraction and detachment' and I strangely understand that about Motherhood. Painful and bliss too all at once.
Thank you
While my circumstances are different, your questions about motherhood-- doing it well enough, the desire to carry their burdens when maybe all you are meant to do is lighten them -- all these resonate with me. The best thing we can do is move forward with what we have and what we know and keep following in God's steps.
ReplyDeleteBM thank you for sharing Hugs to you.
ReplyDeletebeing a mom changed me. I had no idea how to parent but something I vowed....I would never be like my parents and I'm so grateful for my girls..some days I felt like I'm not going to make it....I can't....it's too hard...but somehow we get by...we manage...and everytime we do....something in me climbs a bit higher. Stay strong BM.....keep climbing....one day at a time....one shaky step at a time....
ReplyDeleteI could have written a very similar post (but not as well as you). I, too, have recently been thinking similar thoughts. Watching my daughter give birth has churned up a lot for me. Becoming a mother myself, mistakes I regret, the impact of my mistakes on my kids, and finally, the recognition that all I can do is begin anew with each day. Lovely reflection. Thank you.
ReplyDelete