Outwardly I am moving forward, I have found an apartment and am now figuring out ways to renovate and refurbish to make it a comfortable home. It will be about 4 months more before I can move in.In the meantime...
The next phase I thinks is called 'coming to terms'. While the paper work says final and all that, deep within the heart of me I suppose there is still grief for the loss. And yet while I tell myself I held on despite of.........I still do feel guilt.
I have been telling myself for the past few month that it is time to go talk to a priest, but is it confession or is it just an outpouring to lighten my burden or to hear him say 'it couldn't be helped or I did what I could do or it was not within my control etc etc..
More afraid is that he would say what I gather from my mother, it is the bed I made, and therefore I should accept it..
I think I would not know where to begin.
At Sunday mass,... do they do it on purpose ? It is because of what is said during sermons and seminar-invites about keeping the family together that makes this trip quite difficult to let go. I suppose it would work for some who have recourse or where there is some hope. Would we not avoid it if we could ? Does anyone go through divorce for a lark ?
It always comes back to this,
if I were to think like a counselor, ' I could not change him so I changed me'
But that didn't help the kids when his behaviour affected them, then how could I not be me for them.
What a tangled web we weave...........
I wish I could call you by a real name. And I wish I could go over there and give you a big hug because it sure sounds like you need it. If you came over here I’d have the tea and cookies ready and we could sit and talk for hours, the way I sat with my old friend whose first marriage ended in divorce and who was not allowed to receive communion because she left an abusive marriage.
ReplyDeleteMy FB link is http://www.facebook.com/debra.elramey?ref=tn_tnmn
If you’re on FB too send me a friend request.
Dear Debra, your response made me cry, I wish I could write under my own name but there's just my immediate family and a couple of close friends that know the true picture of my marital situation. And you have hit straight to the heart of my inner most conflict. And my most inner thoughts and feelings are probably only known to 2 friends and those who follow this blog.
DeleteMy face to most of the world is a reconciled and strong facade and of course my kids don't need to know otherwise, there's enough turmoil.
It would be nice to sit and talk and sip tea with someone who understands.
My FB add would also be under the same pseudo, so no point.
Again at Sunday mass, the subject of Divorce was mentioned and I just wish someone would point out to them that sometimes some of us have no choice.
Thank you
BM