This Holy Week was extra Special.

Tiring but it was a magnificent finish.
This year's Easter celebration was more vibrant for me. I felt more alive. 

My church had decided to combine the choirs to sing for the special services from Thursday to Saturday. It was a mix of young and old and the effort and energy put in by all for practises and singing during the masses was a fantastic experience to be a PART of. 
I still had my own choir duties to do and so I attended two Good Friday services which I never believed I could or would ever do. One service is already pretty tough going physically and spiritually.

Added to that,  I knew two persons who were baptised this Easter and I was also quite caught up in their excitement as they looked forward to their Big day. 

It is a Blessed Easter.   
I wish all who do celebrate, a beautiful Easter and if you don't, I wish you a beautiful season of change and renewal.

'See the rainbow and praise its Maker
so superbly beautiful in its splendour.
Across the sky it forms a glorious arc
drawn by the hands of the Most High ' (Sir43 11-12).

Where am I now ... stuck in the Present ?

I think of this constantly, over and over about where I am, what, who am I ?

I have let the past go, I know there is no improving that.

We are moving forward some, but I find I am stuck. I feel that I can't move forward or plan.

Is there a decision to be made by me?  For whom I ask?  Is it for me or my children?

Is it right, when the rules say no,  isn't that to be the guiding principal?  I am bound by my faith.

And yet it means I am stuck in the present, hanging and waiting.

But my kids are happy; they do not have a choice to make.

Is my focus to be only on the children? Is there a me?

Tracy's post struck a chord in me, there is a difference between doing the right thing and the good thing.

If I put my life on hold, it would seem the good thing.

If I make a decision for me, it would not be the right thing. So it seems there is no right thing to do but continue to be stuck in the present until that decision is out of my hands.

But then I think, it is stuck only in one aspect, I can move on in other ways that affect my growth without upsetting the children.

But does my unhappiness affect my kids. I should not let it, should I?

That is where I am now.

A Day in the Life ... 'Listening' to my Kids is not easy ....

'Listening' to other people is easier done than listening to my kids.

When you listen, you don't just do it with the ears but you hear with an open mind and heart.  And our response should be one that is the result of digesting and absorbing that message. It should not be a reaction.

A lesson for me this week ......

I experienced a one-way shouting match with my teenager, while I remained calm I  realised I was reacting to her and not responding  (and this is something I don't do when I interact with others). She was obviously reacting to my response.
At the end of it, though she did recover herself soon enough to realise she was in the wrong and that made me happy.  While the 'shouting and the walking away' had reminded me of my husband's character,  the recovery was all her own.

Doing this with outsiders is easier than with the kids, I realise. I already have built in biases, expectations, presumptions and familiarity with the kids that does not lend itself to the patience needed. So by reflex my 'listening' to them becomes ineffective because my mind is already interpreting before the message is completed. As a result,  my response will not be the objective one it should be.

Ironically, the difference is because I care more.

I have to work at this.

Stand Tall

A symbol for my journey

I perceived, the sunflower

that would be the Me.

Reaching out toward the light,

standing tall, unafraid in plain sight.

But being still, I cannot always be

and so upon a butterfly did I settle

for my tracks and ramble.

I travel where I yearn to go,

leaving trails across pages

about yesterday and of tomorrow,

filling today with words and images.

Remember. Stand tall and bright

like the charming Sunflower,

be spirited like God's butterfly,

to and fro alight and ponder.

(HA - 2010)

Breathing easier again- it's the Weekend.

I survived the week, and now it's back to getting other things back on track.

The 'traumatic' book review got squared away (Alleluia!!) with mummy as transcription typist and editor.

I will say this for my son, he has an amazingly good head for remembering facts and stories and information from anything he reads or sees. He had forced himself to read it, and pushed on because of the deadline (painful actually) and actually completed the book - Kidnapped by R L Stevenson. This version is not an easy book for a kid to read(especially one who is not into reading).  One, because it was the adult version and two the language was really classic with scottish slang included. It was an older print. 

He managed to write the synopsis/review himself and while I was clarifying his sentences, he was able to recall the story quite well.. I made a big deal out of it but he wasn't convinced it was that amazing a feat. He's a tough customer, what can I say.

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I got this very prettily designed award a 'short' time ago from dear Alice always from Wonder land. Alice writes very heart warming poetry among other fascinating topics.  Thank you Alice.
And so it is my lovely task to pass it on to 7 bloggers and list 7 things (stories, thoughts, favourite, peeves etc anything) about yourself.

1) I love staring at the Full Moon especially when its really huge and seems so much closer to us.

2)  When I was young, I always licked the cake bowl clean (of course that was after the mix went into the oven). That was 'yummier' than baked cake.

3) I have this strange neurosis that involves dog-ears on books - I go berserk when I see the poor books being ill-treated.

4) I was once an 'irritating specimen' along with 41 other such specimens. In the last year of secondary school, the teacher in charge of our class always made us do gardening. And we of course like all teenagers always felt that we could be doing more interesting things with our time than THAT.. and so we dawdled and dilly dallied and very little weeds got pulled out. And that's how we earned that name, she would constantly mutter it under her breathe a few times while we walked back to class.

5) I love mushrooms - the eating kind especially button mushrooms.

6) Sometimes in my darkest, deepest moments of frustration,  I wonder if I collected the right babies from the hospital, none of them are like me !

7) I am the TYPING POOL for my children. How is it they are able to spot a new PC game, figure out how to play it instantly and yet have a problem figuring out Powerpoint and Excel. (Preposterous !).

And now to pass this on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Lily 'in her journey to find peace  -  Locating My Life
2. A young poet I recently discovered - Wanderer A Journey called.....
3. Tracy whos seeks  to understand scripture...  http://abundantliving-tracy.blogspot.com/
4. Andrea,  always offering  hope with her scriptures and prayers http://arise2write.blogspot.com/
5. Stephanie http://stephaniebaffone.blogspot.com/, ....a cheerful writer.
6. Amy my favourite drama mama....at http://mamaswithdrama.blogspot.com/
7. J B R - a very strong individual in the face of inner struggles http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/

Endless Work Week - curbing anxieties

I have been a BEEZY bee this week with 2 deadlines back to back so I'm sort of burning the candle at both ends. . . The tension at the office is scary... (what am I doing here.. taking a quick drink ! while the rest go take puffs !)
My son is still at his book, the end(of the book) is near.. I can see it. So that episode will soon be over.  The kids have been getting to bed late too, instead of their usual time because Mummy's late getting home (no I'm NOT upset!).

My endless work week will be over soon, by the end of Friday before I can breathe some again.

I wanted to share something with you
..To keep me going daily, (the ice-cream didn't last too long).. knowing and anticipating everything to happen in this looooong week, I have been either reading or thinking on this little prayer each morning and it has kept me not just going but calm too....  

Do Not Be Anxious

Do not be anxious, said our Lord,

Have peace from day to day-

The lilies neither toil nor spin,

Yet none are clothed as they,

The meadowlark with sweetest song

Fears not for bread or nest

Because he trusts our Father's love

And God knows what is best.

(H S Rice)

Conquering the Milford Track

In early 1991, before the kids came along, my husband and I went to New Zealand for a holiday. We went with another couple friend of ours. Apart from touring on our own by car, we had decided to do the Milford Track - the unguided walk. I have to admit that my husband and I were ill-prepared for this 'hike'. But somehow I was luckier because I happened to buy shoes just before we set off. 

It was a walk like no other walk I had dreamed of.  We were prepared somewhat for the cold and the snow but not quite for the realty of it.  When we started out, there were few others with us, but we soon fell far behind. It wasn't a race of course.  We had some sort of a well-worn trail (no signs), a general direction to follow; we had to make our own way to the basic shelter stops for each night.  The back pack I was carrying was heavy, we were over-prepared trackers with extra dry food and clothes. On the first day of walking, it was sunny yet cold but still the weight of the backpack took it's toll. I fell head first, face down literally after climbing up a bank.  Thankfully I only cut my lip slightly and tasted some earth. When we got to the first shelter, all we wanted to do was find a bunk and not move ever !. But of course that was not possible.

No room service here, we took turns to prepare food as a couple, can you imagine having ice water to wash up with (no such thing as heaters up there on the track). But then you didn't perspire in those temperatures. Of the lot of walkers I think we were the most creative when it came to food.  We had instant noodles and rice while the rest ate mostly bread, soup and biscuits. You had to walk out the shelter to get to the toilets and wash basins. As we got higher, we had to cross crude rope bridges, cut across shallow streams and even brave the cold rain.  It was quite an adventure, we came across no animals, it was amidst gorgeous scenery and wonderful air.

It was I think the 3th day that we finally reached the mountain top and found ourselves actually dragging our feet through knee-high snow. The picture you see above is a photo of the actual picture taken of us at the top, the two figures in red, my friend and me (standing). Thank goodness the camera did not freeze up.
It was exhilirating, it was magnificent, to see God's beautiful earth in the raw, surrounded by peaks and snow. We were lucky because we had the sun out mostly.

The last day was a little tense because we were afraid of missing the ferry. We had to push ourselves to make good time.  If the ferry left we would have had to camp out in the open to wait til the next day. Now that, we didn't come prepared for.  Of course by then our bags were lighter. My husband's feet were suffering because he had worn the wrong kind of shoes, the rest of us were just tired with bones aching from the exercise.
It was 5 (or 6) days if I recall correctly, we had made it to the end and made it safely back, aching bones and all. It was a feat.

Lighter

A superb idea to let the memories spill,
what was so present and frequently intrusive
now seems inconsequential and quite dismissive.

Endeavour more to free me now
to strengthen mind and spirit,
as baggage unloads to exit.

I shall pursue this freeing exercise,
a difference I feel, it does liberate.
My heart shall be lighter, I anticipate. 
(- HA)

My Childhood memories

Self -awareness/ self-counseling.

All who have had a bad childhood, please raise your hands.

I would not say I had a bad childhood,  I think I had an 'ok' childhood, quite normal for those times. My main source of anxiety in my growing up years stemmed from my mother's differential treatment of my sister and myself. I have not attached importance to it (I try to downplay them) but as Freud and Erikson have endorsed,  bad things that happened in childhood does affect your life and thoughts in the future. In this now, it is mostly what NOT to do with my own children.

I am the middle child, neither the 'youngest' child nor the 'oldest' child, not the only girl but the 'older girl'. These are labels that my mother seemed to attach different values to according to her old-fashioned upbringing. My sister was the pet and favourite and forever  'too young'  even when she was in her twenties, my brother well he was 'a boy', the oldest and so for those 'valid' reasons I had to carry the weight of more chores and be more responsible.
So perhaps that was why I felt that I needed to study harder (buried myself in school and study where I could)  to gain approval, to prove myself and kept quiet without rebelling. My sister was allowed to keep short hair from an early age while I was not allowed to cut it until I was 16 (I'll keep that hair story for another time). As a consequence, my sister was bolder, asked for anything she wanted, I was timid and did not ask for things, I was concerned with budgeting, which somehow my mother always impressed upon me. Mixed into all that of course there were feelings of inferiority that did colour my early years of interaction..[self-conscious]). 
The one thing that worked in my favour, was that I was the only one to get to the University, ... that got approval.

Lately I have been reminded of these memories because of my words/actions with my kids. I have said to my girl a few times she is lucky that her mother (me) is not like my mother. My girl like most teens does not seem to appreciate that she has so much more and seems to take some things for granted.  I get irritated when the kids seem self-absorbed and are unable to see beyond their own needs,  that you cannot have everything you want.   But then, the kids themselves have their share of horrid memories to carry with them, so therefore I have to find a balance but not over-compensate.

I am not distressed by these early memories, I have overcome them is many ways,  I am a different person from what I used to be, I have grown into my own so to speak. I am less bothered by the things my mother says these days than the fact that she still thinks along the old-fashioned vein. Old habits die hard. I have come to terms with her as she is. [My mother].

In the past few months I realise too that I have been subtly raising these issues through reminders with my mom in incidental situations but she merely brushes it aside 'so long ago ....really.. ..don't remember'.  What am I trying to do, I have no idea - hoping for a realization,  purple heart, compensation, to blame her for my present situation.?  No, I don't want to cause her any grief.

Why am I telling my story, perhaps it is to effect a catharsis for myself or perhaps I wish to raise the awareness that stereotyping, favoritism is not right. Such thinking still exists today. 

I can leave well enough alone, but I think I still have to let it out somehow to let it go, bring those nagging thoughts to the forefront.  (..dissolve them or expel them ?).

What I do know, is that a child is capable of seeing, hearing and feeling that some things are not right but may not understand or express them.  Unless they verbalize it, they will never know but keep it within.

I was Tagged, now you are Tagged..

I was tagged by Farila http://chaptersfrommylife.blogspot.com/, so here goes...

Shows I like to watch

rarely when I do get the time to plonk down in front of the set it would be for ..

- The Mentalist

- CSI

(the following are not listed in any order or preference)

8 things I look forward to

- the next coming holidays (in Feb)

- finishing my semester's assignment
- the moment the kids tell me they have finished all their homework.
- singing in Church
- taking walks on the weekends
- the next novel
- quiet time before bed
- upgrading my pc at the office (before I loose all my emails AGAIN)

8 things that happened yesterday (of course this was a few yesterdays ago)
- the flu came to visit me
- my son spilled his drink onto the floor(dropped the cup and all)
- the computer in the office hung on me
- it rained cats and dogs
- I finished reading my daughter's book 'Twilight'

- my MP3 ran out of juice in the middle of Celine's 'I'm Alive' (a sign?)

- I threw away a container of biscuits that had grown mouldy
- the road in front of my house got a new black coat of tar on one half.

8 things I love about winter
- it's certainly more interesting than the monsoon rain
- the landscape would be perfectly white
- I would get to wear winter furry clothing, boots and gloves

- COLD

- I imagine a cozy fireplace with a fire going
- snowball fights
- sleigh rides or sliding on cartboxes
- watching snowflakes fall outside your window

8 things on my wish list
- my kids will turn out well and do well in the future

- that there's enough food for everyone in the world

- a car
- the kids will leave me at least one chocolate mini-bar and not just the empty packet
- I will age gracefully
- a cure for all the terrible diseases
- my home loan would be paid off today
- I get a pay rise soon

8 things I am passionate about

- reading

- my kids

- chocolate

- my hobby craft

- speaking properly

- learning

- punctuality

- deepening my understanding of God

8 phrases I use often
- oh goodness
- well that's super
- 'wait til I win the lottery'
- crap!
- what goes around comes around
- tomorrow never comes
- who says life is fair..
- don't procrastinate


8 things I have learned from the past (not copied from anywhere.. genuinely learnt lessons )
- It's best to rely on yourself and no one else
- Keep up with your friends, don't expect them to always keep up with you.
- Your boss is not your friend, don't ever get taken in.

- You have to make an effort to reach out because people don't always read you correctly.

- My parents are not perfect, they are human and they are products of their time.

- Give freely because you want to, not because you expect to get back the same in return,  that way you are never disappointed.

- If you have no regard or respect for a certain person, then how he/she thinks or what they say of you should be of no consequence, their words would merely be noise in the wind and should not bother you in the least.

- You cannot please everyone. Ask yourself who is most important.

8 places I want to visit

- Rome

- London

- Turkey

- Scotland

- India

- Israel

- France

- Switzerland

8 things I want/ need

- love

- hugs

- more 'me' time

- a car

- more time to get things done(like 6 more hours a day)

- I'd really like to have a peaceful night's rest

- a clone of me to stay home with the kids

- peace of mind

8 bloggers I would like to tag

Gaia http://journeyofasinglemum.blogspot.com/

Tracy http://abundantliving-tracy.blogspot.com/

Amy http://mamaswithdrama.blogspot.com/

JBR http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/

Stephanie http://stephaniebaffone.blogspot.com/

Sarah http://cultofdeception.blogspot.com/

Kathleen http://kathleenannemartin.blogspot.com/

Sandra http://reallifeinaminute.blogspot.com/

(oh and don't forget to alert your Tagee !!)

I hope you have as much fun as I had digging these out of myself.!

Telling My Story

This is my journal

about my unique little life.

It gets quite personal

because it's about my strife.

It is alright, that you know

I am not unlike you,

but I have my own woes,

and my path winds too.

It is my desire to share,

a story that unfolds gradually,

so you know not all life is fair,

and might appreciate greatly

that which you now have,

is truly special from above.

Always, it comes full circle,

seasons of calm then storms unfurl.

A sweet memory, an unforeseen smile

I may bring you for your musing,

melancholy to dissipate not to pile,

then return once more to the beginning.

There are times when I digress

into God or faith and pray,

exploring ways out of unrest,

seeking which is the way.

If you do hear,  lift my heart with a comment

for I am always uncertain.

But only if you can comprehend

then my soul shall be less burdened.

(HA)

Being Positive is Not the same as not being Negative

I dislike wet blankets. I try not to be one myself but I suppose I can't avoid being caught in the rain like everyone else........

 
The effect of being positive is not the same as not having negative thoughts.

I have come to a point of awareness where I am able to pull myself back from the brink of bleak moods, to minimise negative thoughts. I essentially 'talk' myself out of it or remind myself 'for the sake of the kids'. 

But putting positive thoughts into motion is more difficult.

Being positive, feels like putting yourself into gear for forward momentum, an anticipation that should lead you to greater engagement.

Preventing or putting off negative thoughts feels more like putting the gears into neutral, holding back but not quite daring to take a different step.

Anyway, being totally composed all the time is impossible, I think we need moments to allow ourself to cry or scream.

I did that on Sunday, it felt good.

Lost in thought - just a date?

I don't have all my answers yet.
This month is the month of my wedding anniversary. I don't think much of it because as far as I am concerned the marriage has been over over for a few years now(perhaps longer if I want to analyse it) and yet.
What am I, neither divorced or married in the sense of the word just very definitely a single mother.
In church when the blessing was given to all who were celebrating their anniversary this month, I did not stand up. While the priest gave his blessing, I felt like crying.  Should I have stood up?  What would I be celebrating?  What does God say ?  I got no answer.

I can't not think of it because I am reminded by my family.  They are merely thinking of it in the usual way. I try not to think of it because I don't know what to think of it.

What does it really represent? 

A commitment that created three little lives, three new hearts and minds with their own expressions and experiences.

I suppose like many things, I need to come to terms with it, rationalise what to do with this date, because it will come again each year until  it no longer means anything to anyone. 

Instead of 'anniversary', I could call it something else.

Why should I celebrate it or remember it ? 

It's more than just a date.. it's the reason for my three little hearts.

A day in the Life ....my cup runneth over.....

I'm still in the doldrums, I 've figured out what's bothering me...(besides the eostrogen problem).
These days I am bogged down with work. I think and think of the need to do lots more but  just haven't the time or the energy. I could use another 5 hrs in the day I think.
My children need me,  all three of them but there's only one of me. This bothers me

Dad helps but I think he needs to be a grandfather more than study tutor to them. This bothers me.

My oldest is stressed by school, but I can't really help there because much depends on her own efforts and methods. I can only keep encouraging her and not add to her stress.

I need to curb the 2 boys from their computer games, so I'm going to unplug the machine. They'll probably hate me for a few days or more or until they figure where I've hidden the cable.
I'll have to do more to keep tabs on their activities from the office.

The madman of the house is away for work more often so that helps reduce everyone's stress levels.

And then, there is this course which I have taken up, it's once a week but still(homework and reading) ...it is meant to be a  back up .. you never know which way this industry will turn or turn on us,.. should I postpone it (I kept postponing it ). This bothers me.

Stress wise I think I am coping, I ain't giving in, but coffee only goes so far.
 
Christmas tree needs to come down soon like yesterday!

Dad is worried about me, I tell him I'm fine.
But I worry about him too.

It's just another phase I'll survive this.

I should pray, but when I pray I come up with more questions about God and his presence (or lack of it ). I just want to believe he is there, I don't want to think about it. 
Sometimes it's just easier to pray for others than my own.

Give a Hug , collect a Hug today

I have been making a deliberate effort to hug my kids more often but it does not come so naturally because I was not brought up on it. Simple for many.
My folks were a traditional sort, 'me parent you child.... don't talk till you are asked something '. In fact. talking was rare then...we were not encouraged to be expressive.

Hugging is something that is relatively new to me that started in church among friends. And since then the practise has spread some but among the rest of society here it is still a rare deed.
But I am of a different generation that 'should know better',  I realise and observe this in other families too, that it is very much a two way thing.  I shall have to try harder, so that the kids will follow suit more comfortably.
I have been advised that this will reduce their tensions and stress inspite of everything that is going on, ... it is the physical contact, a warmth that helps and so I must keep remembering to do so.
You give one and you get one back.

Old Photo of Myself

Here’s another little fact about me, I hate being photographed, always have. In my Church’s recent 50th Anniversary Souvenir Magazine, I saw an old group photo which was taken 32 years ago. It was a picture taken at a church camp for all the teenagers involved in church groups – both boys and girls.
Firstly my hair was tied up(could see the frizz around my head), my face looked round and moody and I was sitting hunched. I was wearing some strange batik short sleeved blouse (ugghh!) .. and guess what of all the photos they had to sift through to put up here, they found THE ONE where my eyes were closed.

Back then I’d probably have looked at this picture and wished the ground would open up for me to disappear. But today I am getting a good laugh out of it and a good doze of nostalgia.
Good grief, I looked at the young faces of familiar kids and friends – everyone’s hairstyle was just AWFUL. And ok, I don’t feel too bad, not everyone had wonderful T-shirts. But then their eyes were open.

Fondly, I remember BUT I wouldn’t want to re- live those days, care-free though they were, I was so self-conscious then about mingling, (I would call it suppressed too), always sticking close to the clique (this is what comes out of schooling in a convent all the way til 16, plus little exposure otherwise) and didn’t know how to behave around the boys. But fondly I remember this bunch.
This was the bunch of kids including my brother, I hung around with mostly for church activities for several years –  we organized Christmas pageants together (created our own costumes), we played Rounders( version of baseball, and I could bat too to the boys' utter astonishment), Church campfires (put up skids),  we rode each others’ bicycles around the church compound, went to annual church camps.

It's so sad but campfires are almost extinct today. Unless you are in a uniformed group you would probably not have such things organised as outdoor camps.
All familiar faces in this old photo, some of whom I still see today in the same church. Mostly we have all gone our separate ways.

One photo, one moment yet so many moments of memories.

Gentle reminder - HAVE NO FEAR

I had an earlier post in which I was ranting and feeling sorry for myself etc etc but decided I couldn't post it for young prying eyes.

I've been trying to ignore it by pretending it's not there hovering, so that I can regain my hold...but it just won't go away.
Fear seems to be my worst enemy. Life goes on and I think I am in control but it creeps up time and time again even when I think I have shoved it out the door. Courage where are you?
Have I ever revealed that by the Chinese zodiac calendar, I am a rabbit and my husband a tiger - I have always thought of myself as the sitting rabbit (like a 'sitting duck' if you guess my meaning), but on the other hand on the astro chart I am Leo the lion.. I hope the latter wins out.

I keep reminding myself, keep the faith, sometimes I do and sometimes it's difficult when anxiety comes along.   Then I think back to inner struggles, on all that has been accomplished and all that has passed and try to find my courage again so that I can face the new challenges that are about to come along. There are just some things I must do by myself .

Believe! .. let it go and leave it at HIS feet.. I will persevere.
My favourite prayer of late, still it's like I'm clinging to a vine so desperately tight before a thousand foot drop and only I know I am there :-

My Lord God

I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that

I think that I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you

does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire

in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything

apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this,

you will lead me by the right road

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost

and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me

and you will never leave me

to face my perils alone.
[The Road Ahead by Thomas Merton]

On me, Mother and being Mom

JBR's post  My guitar- cries with me touched a chord in me. It reminded me of my mother and thoughts on my motherhood. I  pray that JBR's mother will stop being a destructive force in her life.
In my post (eons ago) I mentioned  My Mother. I won't go into specific details but there have been sore points through the first 25 years that negatively affected me.  
Mothers can be tactless, they can say the wrong things and not say the right things not because of any intention to hurt but because they didn't know better. For me, I believe she did not know better.

But I am reminded too that I am a mother.  We have more reasons today to be perfect,  we are/should be more aware of what to say,  what not to say (to compare),  when to say and how to do things with our kids;  the 'right way' , the 'better way' -  because we are more exposed, better informed and probably better educated, with way more motivations.  But alas we overlook, get tired,  are slow,  work too fast, try too hard,  can't be everywhere, can't cover all the bases, we expect more of ourselves - and then we chide ourselves for our imperfections. Yes I am.
Ah, but then the difference today, is that kids are more vocal, more open, more exposed (not that they are more aware than we were,)  they expect(demand) more of us and they are less likely to be silent about it and that is where it can hurt more.   So we are both empowered, can I say we're even now.

It's funny as a child, I feel/felt  it my responsibility not to hurt my parents in any way.  And now as a mother,  I suppose I expect the same.  But I'm not sure, does this generation of children even feel or think the same or do they feel we owe them. Sometimes it feels like it. Kids talk about being stressed today, I never used the word til I was 30.   

For all of life, I always believe there will come a balance at some point in time.  Life(God) is always fair.

I have forgiven (no grudges) and I acknowledge her sacrifices, but now and again I am reminded. I think it's a reminder for my motherhood.  I hope I will be forgiven for my imperfections, not because I did not know better but because it was my best.  We are mothers but we are unfortunately human. Let's hope for sensitivity and wisdom for ourselves and our kids.

A Journey from Fear to Strength.

I have some fears still but I have overcome much fear.  But as much as I would like to let them all out and 'release' them, I can't talk about it because my daughter reads my posts sometimes (yes u dear) maybe my son/s too.  I can't share more yet but you will get a gist of it.  Revealing anything more other than strength is not a good idea just now. They need to be strong for themselves, not for me.  I think I reveal more through my comments at others' sites. There are dark shadows in my life but there is light too.

When feelings overflow, it does come out in bits, now and then through some of my posts, [Volcano,  courage, child's anger, The bully ] when I'm upset, or angry, sad, or when there's a small triumph in  personal life. My role for my kids is to be strong for them, and seek out the best objective solution for them. My life for the last 20 years has been less than imperfect and I am working to getting it to just imperfect. The perfect life never lasts, I don't need it.

Joyce Meyer's Testimonial (Just Be Real) , The Narcissist and Janice's Diary ,  these blogs/ posts tell of realities that centre around  'abuse' and 'narcissists'.  In the last 20 years or so,  my kids and I have personally become acquainted with some of the painful experiences that these individuals mention. I have not slept a full night's rest for so long I don't really remember what it feels like anymore just a constant tired feeling.  The experiences of bloggers who have lived through so much more hardships, who are able to personally share (vent anger, realize peace, survive)  and comments from their supporters is heartening, it helps very much and keeps up my hope. 

I never talked about it, I hid my problem life so well. Why, because it was just unheard of in my circle. As I began to 'leak' a little of what  I faced with friends around me, I came to discover that we all hide something,  we seem to think everyone else has perfect lives and so we dare not reveal our unhappy lives. Everyone has different crosses to bear .  I was so uncertain, so afraid of the unknown outcome, blur of llines that were not quite black and white.  I was not a blogger nor a blog reader before I overcame the first major hurdle either, perhaps it would have moved me sooner.

About a year ago, I felt a 'bursting' feeling and there came a real shift within me, which came in the form of awareness and even a rude awakening through different close friends in my life. Finally being able to talk about it  had helped to push me forward, to be less afraid. 5 months ago I made that first move, for the past 4 months there has been some change for the better for my kids, we have come a long way, but we're not done.  5 months ago I couldn't talk about it without breaking up, but today I can.

What I have learned too about the social system of help, is that they can assure you some of the way but cannot commit all the way, it's only easy if it is definable in black and white, not for the grey.  Abuse is abuse isn't it, is there a question of how much or how little?  This is where naive me learnt a valuable lesson too and I will be more ready to face the next round if it comes to pass. 
It was just after the first milestone that I started this blog (healing). I had started an earlier blog  as a record of episodes in our lives; I believe that putting down the words also helped to precipitate action. But that remains private for now. Apart from the immediate problem, one precious element  that has been suppressed is self-expression and we are learning to let our minds fly free.

Where is my faith in all this, it's there deeper than it has ever been. I used to blame God but have come to realise all things happen as a consequence of our choices.  And so we need to deal with it the same way and not expect God to solve problems of our own making. When I thought (for years) I should be just praying and waiting for God to do something, he was actually pushing me to do something first, only I did not get that. As in Ted Loder's prayer (see sidebar) I desired to 'be bold'. I had to discover courage.   HE is there, and I know that.  At this stage, I still don't know what is God's will, we have come to a fork in the road, waiting either for God's move or man's. 

The bottom line is do what I have to do to improve the lives of the kids and yet make some difficult choices for myself . Mercy seems to be what God wants me to attempt so that I can say I gave (it) a chance for change. When the time is right to cross that line, I will know it,  and then I will know too that it is the right way to go.  As JBR aptly describes the emotions,  I too have not fully surrendered I have not learned how to yet. I am still climbing that mountain, (I forget sometimes) by myself.  His way has made me stronger. I pray that peace comes soon. For those who do not believe in God, call it what you want, but something greater has pulled me out of my hole.
For all those who have only darkness and no light, I pray that hope shines your way and that you will be able to step out of the shadows.

This quote holds a truth in the first part, we hope soon for the fullfillment of the second part.
If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. -John Heywood

Conscience

Cynical Moments

I constantly advise my kids to be the 'bigger person'. Is this good advice?
It's a war between the 'should' and the 'should not'... keep it under control or get mad don't keep it in; be diplomatic or be honest; give in or get satisfaction. It could mean we lose in the end.

There are times I can't apply the same, when I don't want to be objective, when I don't want to play fair, when I don't want to stay calm.

Letting ones' conscience over-rule you takes something out of one. Is having too much of a conscience a good thing? Is being right and doing right, one and the same or different?

Sometimes I think that conscience makes me weak.