Scheming or caring?

Trying to ignore the rocks, but...

No way I'm not competing, but I think he(X) is trying to.

The ex has recently moved into my 'space' as in sitting down at the work table to involve himself in the boys homework of the day.
It's something he has never done before.

I told myself he can have at it. He does have some intelligence after all, let him exercise it and other skills.
The task for him would be to control his temper and reign in his patience. He cannot use his previous 'disciplinary' methods and must control his verbal abuse.
The long-wearing lectures are there, my sons are weary, naturally expected. It's upto him to show them if he is sincere and his intent on mending his way.

Old fears die hard, and the boys were tense, but it worked out for that day.  I can't help but be anxious. At the same time I'm looking at it as objectively as I can, .........

Fear of the unknown still lurks, unfortunately I am not be able to feel even 70% peace because I don't trust him and he has definitely earned that distrust and I'm pretty certain, he's still scheming while he can.

My youngest still fears his father's potential actions eventhough it's 'safe'.
Recently when his father began going through his school bag, he tells me he felt faint (like he was going to pass out).  I understood what happened (what memories ran through his very young mind) and here I thought he had overcome the worst of it.  My ex doesn't get how he has put 'fear' in their minds.

Tension is present as long as he(X) is around.  My boulder is being cut away, but it's still there.

When will it end....
.....until I need no longer see his(X) face.The clock is ticking but not fast enough....
Will he move on?

In my head, I think, a snake will always be a snake no matter how many times it sheds... we'll see.

Thoughts on 'suffering' ...getting pass the boulders.

Fellow sufferers, do we forget that we are not alone. I am reminded  after going through the blog sites I follow. We support each other with our words and can anyone deny that IT HELPS.

I have come to accept that life cannot be burden free, that's not the way life is meant to be. But while I accept, I still question, why this way and not another form of suffering. And I will probably still end up with this question even if  I ended up with a different set of problems.  We can't help it, we're not wired to like problems of any kind.

The fact is, it is hard to work through problems, because it exacts a hard toll on the mind and body. And we just want to get pass this boulder that sits in front of us and move on.
Our journey(path) is strewn with many little types of stones and rocks. Many we can skip over and kick out of the way and yet there will be one type that we insist on collecting, holding and adding like rolling clay til it gets bigger and bigger to become a boulder.

I think it's been said by many different teachers on Life, if there was no bad or sadness or emptiness how would we know what is or appreciate even  the good or the happy or the plenty. If there are no ups and downs, life would be dull and we would become complacent and living becomes like stagnant water.
We would not be exercising all parts of the brain as it was created to, and so those unused synapses(or neurons) would just die away and then what would happen? I doubt that adds to survival attributes of the human race.

We each have our own cross to bear and somehow knowing that I am not alone, helps me cope and think that since there must be balance in the world , then we are each doing our part and are not carry more than we should and therefore are easing off the weight from someone else somewhere.
Have you ever considered that ?
That the weight is spread. And like a 'passing the parcel' game, we each must take a turn at holding a burden until such time as it is passed on. Isn't that a hidden message in the way of beliefs, that there is a cycle and balance to life in all aspects, so in happiness and suffering.

So we are not assigned boulders according to our weight, height, temper and smarts, are we?  We choose them.
Some boulders can be prevented from becoming what they are, and some will need hacking with the help of friends to reduce them and some may disappear eventually with divine help or just using our mind to diminish its size.

God did not put us on this earth merely to suffer. It's part of life, and he gave us the tools within us and in others to smooth-en the path -  to be able to live life and find enjoyment too.
It's our choice.

Sunday Solitude: message for the weary soul...

A pertinent reminder indeed in the Gospel reading today, for me .... ...

'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden , and I will give you rest . Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'   
(Matthew 11: 28-30).

I already have Love

Who are you who visits me

who are you who see

this unfolding story of mine

and all else between the lines.

Support flows

for my woes,

grateful always for family,

love given unconditionally

Soon this drama will end

so we can heal and mend

I yearn for life to resume,

weary of fear and gloom

Looking forward to days that are lighter

to experience, I hope, more laughter

Looking up above,

I remember,

I already have love

There’ll be a new neighbourhood

beyond the horizon, it will be good

Because all who matter will be

behind me and with me

Family still surrounds

Remember, Love still abounds

(HA 7/2011)

Paradox to live by

Admiral Jim Stockdale who survived capture in Vietnam.....


"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever it may be.

.. the ability to retain the faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of difficulties and at the same time confronting the most brutal facts of your current reality whatever they might be, as a signature of those who create greatness, in their own lives or in leading others."

(Reiterated by Jim Collins 'Good to Great')

Sunday Solitude: calming down

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  (Jn 14:27).

Assurances .. over and over. Why fret ?

Corpus Christi, the best form of fortification ......

 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Psalm 27:1-3 (NIV)

Rant -the system sucks but perhaps not totally!

When I began writing this post a few days ago, I had titled it 'the system sucks'. But today I'm changing it  because it may not be, totally.
Sometime back when I let on of what I went through with the family services system, I said it sucked when it comes to dealing with abuse of the non-black and blue kind. That's what it means,  the only way you get your problem addressed is only when one gets beaten and has broken bones and bruises to show for it.
Well it almost appears the same in the process of a divorce where the husband is a narcissistic control freak, and you are not allowed to restrict him from the house or the kids until all issues are settled . And unless there is some form of physical violence, I can't do anything.

It seems like while in the process of divorce and property issue is still not settled, the EX can still sit in the house and intimidate and cause mischief. And he has begun his games. He has an alternate place to stay which was where he spent the better part of the last two years, before plotting his divorce plan. 8 months after that he moves back into the house to boost his claims position.

And so after the sneaking around the house, 'interviewing' the kids and looking for faults to bolster his affidavit, he now moves to the next phase while we wait for a Court date.
Can he claim his personal property is damaged or stolen.  Where do I draw the line?  The problem is there is lots of spaces in the house I cannot lock because the house, cupboards, doors just were made that way. How do I stop him from coming into my space ? Is there such a thing as personal property in the house or personal space. Is it that easy for him to use the system to his own end. He's trying his damdest to cause embarrassment. And now he wants to drag the kids into his crap pot.

The police explain they will conduct a fair investigation but at the same time after understanding the full scenario of the situation (that we are divorced and his is a hostile presence in the house), there are  complications due to the issue of defining personal property in the present situation and secondly is there a basis for accusation as the property in question may or may not be family property and furthermore was left in a family used space.  I left them to form their own conclusion when I informed them that he had lodged this report in time to be used in his last affidavit, that was why I was aware of it.
So the police are not totally clueless and they were not taking his word totally, hence my 'perhaps not totally'.

In answer to my question, there is no such thing as his private space in the house.
My fear is that that this gives him a license to create more trouble. And I was assured some, that if this were the case, he would be taken to task for attempting to abuse the system. What of the stuff he seemingly bought for the kids (entertainment console) is that his or the kids?

I want him to get out of the house and take his 'personal property' with him to avoid such problems.
I have been asking the question 'what are my rights in the house' and have not been able to get a straight answer.  We are divorced officially and yet I can't kick him out of the house because the house is considered matrimonial property.

I know exactly how that feels !

Feels like I'm going around in circles, loosing hair and sleep. I believe it's his tactic of wearing me down.

Sometimes I think to hell with it and him, stop getting defensive and letting him yank my chain. But I can't seem to stick to that programme. I am getting the hang of it but I can do better.
Gonna have to grit my teeth and bear it until it is settled legally and PRAY to God that he doesn't get away with or cause more mischief.

I had attempted to lock my room door once, earlier this year after he started threatening my housekeeper (she refused to spy for him) but could not legally stop him why because he still has clothes in the room. I supposes my lawyer was not as alert to this fact but what it means is I should have made an issue of his stuff then when the divorce was official a few months ago.

The police cannot do anything until he assaults me. If life were so simple.

Soon we will sing.

It's nearly two years since I wrote  Moments to sing.... Sep 2009

It makes me sad to remember what was, INSTEAD I should be happy for the now.

We have come a long way, there is a difference in our lives now.

The boys are less afraid, and though his temper seems controlled and he has lulled them some, the kids are not totally buying it. 

And so that tells me that they are not totally free of those memories and fear.

Yet they appear to be in better control of their responses to him and fear does not rule like it did before.  

They are aware, they are coping.

My prayers are being answered, not in the way I imagined but there is more light entering our lives today.

I hope there will be light for many others who are in the dark today.

Sunday Solitude: clearing the cobwebs

Do I sound angry ? Yes I do, I am. I can't think clearly when I feel threatened.

As I sat in church today, and it being Pentecost I thought what is stopping the spirit from entering, from taking over and therefore setting me free.

I believe, I mouth the words in prayer, I ask for it, I want to leave it all in HIS hands and yet I suppose my 'windows' are not open to receive anything, that is my heart and the right parts of my mind.  What is the baggage cluttering up the way?

Why do I not let it all go and leave it to HIM.   'We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love him. -Rom 8-28 '

It is worry about the kids and their feelings, more than anything else.

When I am not thinking about the kids, but that I can finally move forward, these are the moments of lightness, a minute of peace-like feeling, a weightlessness.
Yet I cannot hold on to it longer.
Because I cannot stop worrying about the kids.
What does it mean?
That I do not have sufficient faith in God to look after the kids. Does this mean I attribute my X with more power?
That is ridiculous!
Time to clear the cobwebs in my brain and clear the clutter.

I have to let the system work but I must trust HIM still, in this.

Nine months down the road.... and counting.

It has been nine months since this legal process was started.

But it has been on hindsight, more than 6 years that we have been separated for. I stuck with it to make it work based on HOPE and CHANGE and a whole heap of forgiveness on top of forgiveness.

I've learnt a lot about myself from the perspective of my lawyer who essentially knows everything I have endured, allowed myself to and survived by now.

I prayed for relief and this is the path I  have been led through and will soon see the light at the end. 

I am stronger,  relieved yet not totally.  The children are my foremost concern and yet I  am advised constantly to be happy already and remember the children have a choice. While the children will be in my care, they will still have to endure time with him as is his entitlement. They are less afraid when they are outside in public with him than when they are in the home with him.
Tension still exists because they are uncertain if his supposed reformation is pretense or true from henceforth. How truly relaxed are they, in his presence now. Is it genuine or are they pretending too

Intimidated in my own house
It's like I have few rights of my own and do not have total control over my life, having to constantly look over my shoulders. I mentioned this earlier that I can't chase him out of the house until ancillaries are settled.  And so he has purposely ensconced himself in the house in the last few months after disappearing for most of last couple of years.

To me it's like having a snake in the house. He's been taking pictures of rundown furniture and worn items. To what end? My lawyer says don't bother. But I am bothered. I plan to move out, why spend unnecessarily?  He has taken sudden intensive interest in the studies of the kids.  In his crooked mind, I believe he plans to use them to show that I am not looking after the house properly, that he can do a better job.

I need to apply assertiveness training here for myself.

Processing
I have let my lawyer focus on the material and factual arguments that in her experience is what the judge will look at foremost.   It's the facts that matter and influence.

However I am unsure still. What does a judge look for, how do they look at all this 'I say' and 'you say' stuff.  How much gets taken into account of the character that we each portray.

The X has focused on the material and the physical, made lots of claims without proof.  My concern has been on the emotional and psychological well-being of the kids. I have been researching on similar situations and outcomes for impact and reactions but not much exists as my circumstance arising from of my X's personality (narcissistic and abusive) seems unique.

I have yet to come across anyone with an experience quite like mine, I'm sure there are, and I hope they not only survived but came out better for it.

Helen Plus Three: What really matters in one's youth ?

Helen Plus Three: What really matters in one's youth ?: "When you are in your 40s and 50s and you think back to your younger days, what 's really important, what is it that matters the most ....."


It's these thought that guide me when it comes to the kids...

To each his own .. troubles?

A few months ago, a friend of mine, or I would say an old acquaintance called me to talk and poured out her troubles of a cheating husband and meddling mistress. The first thing she said to me was she was so ashamed at being taken for a fool and for being so trusting. While I attempted to talk to her and clear her own understanding of why she burdened herself that way, she just could not hear me.

Here I was carrying my own basket of rocks, and I was thinking, would it help her to know she was not alone. Fate does make strange bedfellows!

I let her wail on and then attempted several times to get her to meet me. She was in two modes 'personal suffering' and ' got to get to work' and I could tell her mind was in chaos.

It's easy to stand outside and structure and organise and yet from within,  we ourselves find it impossible to do.  The objective self and subjective self both are aware and that is why I suppose we were never meant to be alone.

Body and mind.. pushing ahead

"The unconscious mind picks up body language even when we are not consciously aware that it may be threatening." (http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage-counseling.com/articles/abuse/yelling.html) - Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, PhD.

And because we remember those reflexes long after ...our bodies react the same way from before when threat was imminent.
Because the X is ultra sweet and ultra rational, the kids are less afraid but
as I have learnt from my child, the fear is not totally erased. Our minds and bodies still remember. There is still that ‘take flight’ response in us.

Why do I allow myself to be bullied?
I have come so far and still, I allow him this power over me.
Feeling afraid and feeling defensive to his verbal attacks and accusations.
I know I must take hold of my thoughts.
Break out of it, be aware always, in my mind.

I have been taking little steps to fight back, to take back that 'space' that I have ‘given way’; to take control where I can to face up to him; to stand up to his antics
and show him that I am no longer afraid of him; to assert but not in the usual communication form but by bringing myself forward visibly and audibly. And I can tell he is not happy (more and more, he raves and rants with either his lawyer or some person on the mobile, call me all sorts of names). But he maintains absolutely calm with the kids.

Logically I know it, but it’s not the same as having fully accepted or internalized the belief. But currently, I still am learning that he has no power over me. He uses accusations, and demands and the children to intimidate- interferes to disrupt(their peace) to exercise his power. It still affects me and my first response is ‘flight’ still. So I am dealing with it and this process (no matter how much I hate it and wish for it to be over)which started a while back, seems to be a necessary part of my journey.

Tough going and still hanging

I'm still alive and kicking. It's been tough going because the X is playing dirty (rotten). The sands are shifting oh so slowly ....

Not that he will get away I am told, but I am so very bugged by it. It's hard 'acting' like a cold bitch much less being one. He is attempting to intimidate and bully me by his pathetic accusations, mandates on how the household should run or else etc, interruptions into the children's habits and insinuating himself back into the house while the 'ancillaries' are being settled.  Now I know what they mean by heart palpitations.

I have attempted my own healing at facing him down so to speak. The many things we/I used to do when he was home, we now do the opposite to show we are not afraid of him nor are we intimidated by him.  The simple things like grab the remote, take charge of the TV, sit on his favourite chair, speak loudly ...make plans and book the kids for outings before he does.

I've come through some serious realizations over the last months as to how I've been used and fooled big time for the past 10 years. Has my X been plotting since my last child was born? I keep wondering.
And yet by the grace of God, I have kept lots of old documents(here I thought I was not really a horder) that has helped in the facts of my case, paper trails have supported my 'long marriage' arguments to counter the trash my X has come up with to try and rip me off literally and get out of his responsibilities.  He attempts to withhold the kids' passports for all kinds of stupid reasons. There should be a law for this interim harassment... where is it ?

He is ultra 'sweet' with the kids, but they know it's a sham (gives me some satisfaction that they do, I know that's small of me.. but all's fair in love and war..).  And it takes its toll on them too, they keep asking when when will it be over. In the house he makes them nervous but when they are out in public, they worry less.
He has insinuated himself back into the household to help his arguments for care and control of the kids and of course he cannot undo history can he? The passport will tell along with other tell tale signs. I think somewhere along the way his planned strategy has gone awry some. He makes a big show with his Hindu prayers, bells and humms, loud mantra music from the stereo.....every morning.

It's worse than a chess game, at least you know the rules and there is little emotion, here there's a slimy player who's creating his own moves and playing on our emotions which are draining.  Perhaps I should set the IRAS on him, aren't they used to slippery snakes?

The law can't do much for me until the courts definitively decide on the ancillaries, another month or two away.  I can scream and rave if I want, I can call the cops too if I  feel threatened but as long as the house matter is not settled, he can still come and go as he pleases eventhough we are officially divorced. 

Affidavits are strange phenomenons, how much of the 'you say this' and 'I say that' work, facts surely speak up, but how much can you dredge when it's a history of more than 10 years and that's where my X is coming from. The amazing spins he puts on things; he would be a bad fiction writer.  The more I read his stuff, the more I think, he doesn't sound normal and sounds quite narcissistic and I hope the judge gets it.  If my X could say he gave birth to the three kids, he would.

I still have faith, and pray and many a times especially recently in my attempts to fight anger and frustration, I think on the flight from Egypt when the God of Mosses declared his wrath on the Egyptians and I think 'fight for me dear God, .. still waiting for that peace' .

Staying afloat...

Still here…been busy and tied up with the children - emotional and psychological, putting out the fires started by my ‘unofficial’ ex.
The ‘battle’ continues and he is not happy at the way it seems to be going.
Until it is over, he’ll continue playing mind games, leading the kids into the worry zone and it’s screwing with their peace of mind.
Reassurances are just not enough.

School is keeping them busy and me too.
Sorry too, I have not been able to make my blog rounds. I miss that.

I can’t relax until it is resolved.

I’m not dealing with the change of status in the way I expected to. No matter how rational I want to be, tradition and stereotypical thoughts still invade.

The reality of the life after will be much, much better and yet it’s the impact on the people around me that keeps coming around to me.
My folks are supportive but what do they really think. I feel I have disappointed them by failing in this. I have been consoled by the fact that while I have the many valid reasons to opt out I did not do so and instead stuck it out. Nobody expects me to play the matyr.

Still inspite of the support, I can’t help feeling that I have broken sacred traditions.
I have good friends who want to twack me on the head for my ‘silliness’ and remind me of what is important.
I am grateful for them…
…..and Sunday’s service reminded me again that God loves me too.

Wading through rough waters ..........

I'm glad the old year is gone. We caught some great fireworks last night, that was a small consolation to make up for the lack of a family gathering to spend the eve with. We had our own little party, chips, marshmallows and wine for the toast.
 
How do we shake thoughts we don't want to have ? Temptation thrives on the weaknesses that we have and adds fuel to these thoughts and they just persist. Lately old bad memories of the earlier years have been invading my thoughts and they are sadly (and ironically) triggered by happy recall of memories among the family members. Why can't I get over them ?

I keep reminding myself, no one owes us a living, it's up to us to live our lives and make what is needed of it.
Yet because of the season, probably because I keep dwelling on what is to come and what is yet to be settled, I feel  a little hollow and alone.

I'm trying to ignore it and put it aside; to keep a positive face for the kids. It is tiring. Envy and self-pity seem to be rearing their heads and I feel like withdrawing from happy company. I am very conscious of them but the thoughts seem to be digging their heels in deeper. I pray and perhaps it is not enough. Daily tasks take their toll and I am feeling drained.  Keeping busy is the solution, but that takes energy too.

Kids:
My daughter has been acting up lately - a teenager I expected to have the least issues with.  It's an old argument 'we can't always have what we want' . She has much more than most and yet it's not enough. Why because she forgets everything else that she has when focusing on the something that she wants and cannot get. Why do they always dwell on what they have not rather than what they have. 
She forgets there will be more expenses to come when she moves on to the next stage of higher learning.
I keep thinking, she is lucky, I am not my mother. But I will not over-compensate either.

The two boys well they are their usual selves.  It's like they take turns (I should be grateful) to act up.

Count your blessings.

Family

Need a Break!

Half a family, that’s what it feels like.

If I had to give a point of view, I would discourage mixed marriages (religion wise) for this as one reason. My ex is not a Catholic.

This season, as I made my rounds with immediate family, what I realized is missing and have always missed is that extended family fellowship which my brother and sister enjoy with their in laws who are all Catholics. This Christmas it seemed to have hit me hardest probably because of the circumstances. We are like half a family.

It’s not just religion, but the fact is the in laws have been missing from the picture since the beginning of time. This is due to the nature of the relationship already existing prior to my entrance onto that different planet of my ex’s existence. Which goes to show you, when one is young the sign posts of life can glare you in the face and yet they are invisible.

It should not matter, but sometimes it feels too quiet and I crave that noise of family around me. Silence leaves a lot of room for pondering and wondering and I prefer to avoid that these days.

I’m not sure why I feel depressed, is it hormones or is it that the family’s not around for the New Year’s eve countdown, they have in-laws to be busy with, it’s just me and the kids. And the kids enjoy their cousins who will be busy elsewhere.
And I 'm really thinking, 'how inconsiderate of them, they forgot us, forgot me'... ..ok.. enough of that already move on.  Blame it on circumstances, I'm moody..... ....

think positive..... I’m dragging the kids out of the house tonight, there’s fireworks somewhere at some street party, we’ll go catch that at least, create our own fun (see if I remember how to dance ..) and have our own New Year’s celebration.

A Happy 2011 to all, God grant us peace and his gentle love in the New year.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 2011

It's my second blogging Christmas. And yes, I notice it 's a slow period for posts too.

I wish that was me in the pix above, just  X 2 on the waistline.. .. lol.


It has  been a year to remember in terms of upheavals. Honestly I'm glad it is over, I don't want to relive 2010 if given a choice.

Just wanted to leave you my wishes ..

May the good Lord bless you for your sharing.
May God spread his peace and grant you all his special blessings this season and in the coming New Year.
May He continue to bless our blogs and guide our minds and hearts as we circulate, meet and reach out to others through our posts. May those who are lonely where ever they are, find a blessed hand to reach out to touch them.

Enjoy the 'Carol of the Bells.'.

Love and hugs to all.
A Blessed Christmas and a Joyous New Year to you

I am weary

How many times,

must we take ourselves apart

and put the pieces together again ?

How soon before

our body mended, heart steady

grows instead from strength to strength ?

How often are we to be tested

our minds in a storm

and when can we return to norm ?.

(HA - 12/2010)

We are not Perfect

Why do I feel the need to defend my imperfections ?
We cannot be perfect in whatever we have chosen to do. But we can work hard at it and perform the best we can be. So why worry over what you are not doing right.  Instead, worry how you could do better.

In reading C S Lewis' Screwtape letters, I come to understand a little more about the purpose of our creator.
To fulfill our purpose on earth, we need to make ourselves worthy.
To make ourselves worthy, we need to forget our self.
By forgetting our self, we strive for others and improving their lot.

Truth and honesty is at the basis for all things we do. To others, to ourselves, to God.
What is our motive? Is it self-serving or God-serving? Sometimes the answer may not be so simple or to our liking but it comes down to that fact that we are not perfect and of course, God knows this.

We have weaknesses and our self-consciousness and selfishness keep us from freeing our thoughts totally when speaking to God.
Our temptation is drawn from our inner most wants and 
in Screwtape's(devil) words of instruction to his demon nephew-in-training....
"The simplest is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves. Keep them watching their own minds and trying to produce feelings there by the action of their own wills. When they meant to ask Him for charity, let them, instead, start trying to manufacture charitable feelings for themselves and not notice that this is what they are doing. When they meant to pray for courage, let them really be trying to feel brave. When they say they are praying for forgiveness, let them be trying to feel forgiven. Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling; and never let them suspect how much success or failure of that kind depends on whether they are well or ill, fresh or tired, at the moment."

I am not perfect. Accept it. 

Spring cleaning & reading habits

My last assignment was finally handed in and that weight is off my shoulders. It's time to prepare for Christmas.
It has been a year since I got the 5 ft tree. Last year I put it up alone, this year, the kids will do it.

The rainy season has kicked in too. Christmas is always wet for us, not white.

The personal stuff still weighs heavy on my mind but I am practicing at managing it.  Proceedings are not over yet, a couple of hurdles yet to go over what is called the 'ancillaries.'  But I am less worried over that.

Today saw the slow beginning of spring cleaning. The first are the children's bookshelves. There are so many good books and yet the boys who need to get in the most reading have the toughest time about it. They are not into my definition of 'good' books, they are into beast master,  monster,...  ghost and creature, ..power or action figure fiction.
I end up buying books they will read so that they do read.

Why is it so much harder for boys to read books than girls?

I was thinking maybe I should pay them to read the good books !

I had to make space painfully and so many of these books will have to go to the thrift shop because I know they will never get read at all here. So sad.

The new year will hold many new experiences for us, and keeping those in mind, I am looking forward to it.
Like the rain that washes the air clean, so too the new year will bring us a cleansing of the negative.

Reflecting: I want to put it in the past.

Some of you have an idea but some of you don’t quite know what, just that something is not right in my life. But it doesn’t really matter.
Only that you seem to be there still following my thoughts which lately seem to be as depressing as 'Wuthering Heights'. I thank you for sticking.

There are lots of victims with their stories and each seems to seek solace or answers or help others or just find relief in the telling. I’m not sure what my telling does for anyone. Affirmation, validation I suppose that is why it all began. I was seeking for those in my first blog.  In this my second blog, it’s about recovery and struggle to put myself back together again.

I had not dwelled on being a victim. In my mind I do not want to be one. I just want to get passed it. I began writing about it, because I forgot the incidents and details. Am I so forgiving, or is that what they call nature’s defense mechanism against the problem.
The problem:description  [from previous posts and links with the article on emotional abuse and 'fear to strength'] comes close to a partial representation, add being products of a narcissistic husband and father. No sympathies please.

For myself I realized I cannot remember alot of it, even some of the most horrible showdowns I faced. I had written about some of the situations in the past, here and there on paper (past 20 years), in a notebook ..but not everything , and there is still a missing diary somewhere, I wish I had written more. I suppose it is not surprising that my older son too cannot remember the scariest moment of his life but I remember.

I have learnt that in the writing of it and the record of it especially over the last 2 years(and re-reading),  the reality and frequency and horror of the situations, has helped me acknowledge that we are victims, I am a victim.
Do I have to do more to accept it?  Am I done with it. It has taught me a lot about me. It has taught me what I should not be.  I need to stop second guessing my actions to protect us.

I want to MOVE ON.

Staying sane (random thoughts)

Is God always testing us, when do we graduate ?

One cannot be a counselor to one's own children. Our job is to love them unconditionally and get angry conditionally.

I find comfort in the psalms than some of  the usual prayers these days, they help me to let go, and still pray. "Show me the path I should walk' is what I have repeatedly asked for these past ten years and more.
The anger builds and ebbs and churns and then empties and it wavers with the children's moods. 

Lord, hear my prayer; in your faithfulness listen to my pleading; answer me in your justice.

Do not enter into judgment with your servant; before you no living being can be just.

The enemy has pursued me; they have crushed my life to the ground.

They have left me in darkness like those long dead.

My spirit is faint within me; my heart is dismayed.

I remember the days of old; I ponder all your deeds; the works of your hands I recall.

I stretch out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.

Hasten to answer me, Lord; for my spirit fails me.

Do not hide your face from me, lest I become like those descending to the pit.

At dawn let me hear of your kindness, for in you I trust.

Show me the path I should walk, for to you I entrust my life.

Rescue me, Lord, from my foes, for in you I hope.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.

May your kind spirit guide me on ground that is level.

For your name's sake, Lord, give me life; in your justice lead me out of distress.

In your kindness put an end to my foes; destroy all who attack me, for I am your servant.
- Psalm 143

The life we have is the path we choose

I found a couple of old diaries I had kept and realize my stint in the school of gullible idiocy began way back, stemmed mostly from the insecurities of a sheltered childhood.

There's nothing for it but to know and be glad that I grew up.

I am now getting away from the biggest evil of my life and soon that part will be over.

As I go through this stage, I learn that fear is never really gone, it visits now and again when you are most vulnerable. And what makes you vulnerable, one's children.

I am advised that the children are old enough, I should not worry.

So the question I pose, 'what is the choice to make', seems simple
- to be happy or to worry,
- to live in certainty or volatility


but is it?

Menace still at large ..

... still in the process.

27 Oct :
 Like the menacing mosquito that hovers, that’s how it felt for a few hours. I return home early today and the hall is deserted and the house is quiet. And I realise he is back.

The boys are in their room doing their own things along with their sister who is usually in the dining room studying.

What does he do, interrogates and questions them to get a feel for their loyalty. The boys responses are unsure or was it. Disappears back to where ever he came from.
He’s gathering points I think to show I am not a perfect mum.

My dad came to check on the kids as usual. He verbally attacks him. Why does he attack my father, why does he question his kindness and care for my kids? Is he jealous or is he afraid that the kids are doing fine without him.

I talked to my dad, he tells me don't worry. I ask if they argued, he says not by his definition, although my husband raised his voice. My husband it seems imagines that the world is conspiring against him. 

What is he afraid of?

He slapped the boys earlier for some excuse (not performing some ritual they are supposed to). What is wrong with him? Like a fix he has to get, the need to kick at someone, what?.

One visit for a few hours and my youngest is stressed again, my daughter is holding her breathe and my middle child, he's frowning, unsure of the innuendos.

Need to get advise.

I'm controlling myself.. I want to scream out loud .
Can I just echo here what my youngest son said - I hate him.

Time to learn

"How suppressed am I, when I cannot bring myself to throw things.."

It's time to start learning new stuff....
- first make sure you know where the fuse box is and what switch is for where.
- how to change a fluorescent tube and figure what the starter is. and how it looks
- time to figure out that different bulbs have different wattage - and some slide in and some screw on ..
- how to change the plug if wiring gets shot (.. is it the green or, red or was it the earth wire ??)
- how to change the bathroom hose 
- to to fix a leaky pipe if it can be done without the plumber ... ?? what's a faucet
- how to screw back a hinge on a cupboard door that's coming apart
- how to bang a nail into the wall ( or drill ??) - there are apparently some types of materials you don't just knock a nail in, not unless you like the look of spider web cracks
- how to buy the right size furniture and practical one too .. not just because the design is pretty...


I gave birth to three children,  SO
I can do these ...

I think !


anyone know the number of a good, handy, handyman ?
  

Emotional recoil ...

"It is the emotional recoil that kills you, the shock of stepping off the track of a conventional lifestyle and losing all the embracing comforts that keep so many people on that track forever. To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in society."

Elizabeth Gilbert describes the feeling quite succinctly on why divorce feels like an upheaval. While on the one hand she has hit the nail on the head for most cases, in my case, there is no shock really as I have been moving off the track for a long while now. Ironically, I will finally have continuity.  

It is a derailment of a different sort. My (overly) concern is for the shock of others in my mostly normal conventional family circle and how they might think of it and of me. Do I tell them, the whole sordid tale ?

I constantly tell my kids, stop worrying about what others think, if you are confident that it is right, then it is. What others think will not matter at your finish line.

It’s easier to preach than practice.

Still processing...

I've been searching but can't seem to locate bloggers who have been through the similar experiences that I have or had. I suppose not everyone is able to talk about it or share.  The domestic abuse is one thing but this divorce business is something else.

My sister is very supportive 'good riddance to bad rubbish' and so on.

I get twinges of flashbacks and momentarily wish this nightmare was just that, a nightmare.  Yesterday as I read a book and it came to the scene of a wedding, I saw that moment in my head, when my father walked me down the aisle and it brought tears to my eyes.
There's a pragmatic side that knows this is for the best, the emotional side is just weak, and mourning the waste of years.  My life since marriage has been like a garden gradually overrun by a terrible weed (- that weed being my husband-) I tried for too long. 
How forgiving should one be ? 

I am looking forward to fresh scents, brighter days,  clean air, a smoother road, consistent calm - a peaceful garden for the four of us.

Like my blogs, I shall have to separate memories to store away those moments as they turn up - good, bad and ugly.

Mine only

No one can be there exactly 

where  I am or have been, 

it is uniquely mine. 

The feeling of fear and fearlessness 

at once beating at each other

in a realm of emotion

winding its way to free us,

the mess of impression and expression 

is wholly mine.

(HA 2010)

"The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow.

Today I am blessed. "    

- Maya Angelou's  Letter to My Daughter

Thoughts ..guilt or failure

I have always attached strings to my father’s love. And know that I should not. I do not want to grieve him, and yet I feel I have.

I go about my business and my children’s, there is no story to pour out that has not come out in bits and parts over the past 2 years. It is done for me so I don’t talk about it.
How do I say ‘I don’t want you to worry’ and not get him more worried.

I am reminded, I have made him proud in many ways,
I know he does not fault me in this
and yet
still.

There will always be a part of my brain that remembers my mother's old-fashion thoughts, and that is a problem source. It's there but it doesn't dominate, just rears it's head from time to time.

I had done what I could on my own, I could not lean, I did not want to. That was for me.  Eventually I would have to stand on my own.
I held on for as long as it took.

I am relieved and sad.
 

Taking charge, feeling wobbly.

In my head, my plans are being laid but of course nothing really moves until it’s all settled. I’m planning close to the base line so it won’t go south so much as be an improvement.

I am a little afraid (feel it inside), not of the process or the outcome but his response. It’ll never be over for me til this is over. It is irrational I know, but I suppose you can't get rid of something that’s grown and festered for more than 12 years that quickly – fear of negative reaction, response and uncertainty.

Was it subtle advise or divine guidance, but I'm not taking the easy route just because I should, which means giving in on some fronts. This is probably the only time I am going to be able put up any kind of fight, just for the satisfaction of it.  Family court doesn’t count because as far as I am concerned he got away with it.

I am having my say, saying my peace because he doesn’t deserve an iota of positive consideration from me which is what it will be if I take the path of least resistance. I did it once for the kids, I can do it again for me - face the fear.

I may or may not achieve all of it but at least I’ll know I didn’t just give in AGAIN.

Most traveled road

...  from the last verse of Robert Frost's poem....
'The Road less taken. '..

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. 

but when I look back, it is the road most traveled that I took and landed up here..

Seeking light

My face must shine,

my lips do smile

but

hidden beneath

all the while

heaviness sits

at the bottom

of the heart.

while below

feet drag.

Tomorrow begins

a new dawn.

Thoughts while missing in action again ...

I suppose this is going to happen now and then... I haven't had the time to post or blog visit and when I had the urge to do so ... my pc was occupied. That's what happens when you have 3 active gamers at home who love to hog the pc.
...Work has been hectic too... so very little inspiration has been flowing through.

I am behind on my course assignment, but mostly I have been trying to distract myself I think from the impending proceedings.  I am strangely not worried nor aggrieved in any way about the current process or what will soon be.  My main thoughts are on the kids and what it is going to mean for us which is mostly continuing on to the next stage in life. For them, nothing much will really change except a physical change of address and life will continue very much as it has for the past year, though they may not realize it at first

For me I suppose there is nothing to miss that has not already been missing for a long time. I look forward to live life, to laugh more freely and hope to stop grieving over naivete and for what cannot be regained.

.. it's all in the timing

It's like events have been timed to support, strung out to lessen the impact. Stranger things have happened I suppose.

When I was retrenched 5 years ago, it was precious time I needed to keep an eye on my father who had undergone major surgery. For the first time in his life, he needed someone to drive him around and help with the household and my mum. I had 6 months to do that before I managed to find another job. I was glad for it in the end. .. co-incidence?

This time round, I'm about to move out of this house, but not before I am able to do my part for the folks who need a temporary place with space to stay while their place is being renovated... co-incidence?

I have been unintentionally preparing myself as I accompanied them around noting how to get a new home ready, what to look out for, finding out how much furnishings and fixtures actually cost (so I have an idea) so I am more ready in a way to do those very things for myself... co-incidence.

If this had happened 2 years ago, I would not have been ready psychologically in spite of all that has passed.

It all happens ' in his time' as they say.

Time to get Mad...

It's been almost 2 weeks. I am holding it together, better than I expected. I suppose it is about time.

It's time to stop being a fool so I've been advised in very subtle terms. 'Time to make yourself happy' is the advise. I know why it is being said,
Let me get through the process, to get through the process I have to get mad,  worry for the kids first and then I'll see about making myself happy.

I understand.  'Where has compassion, sentiment and non-calculating behaviour gotten' me ? Nothing so it seems.

By taking away all the photos and albums what does he hope to do, think he can lay claim to it all ?

His grandmother (God rest her soul) once said to my mum if I was someone else I would have left him long ago.
She should have said if I was smarter I would have left him long ago.

I know I won't be the first nor the last.. sigh.. why are women(the unlucky ones) such saps !!

Time to move.... (Part 2)

There seems to be a few different descriptions of this type of abuse .. but whatever it is, it is exactly that- abuse. The abuse has cooled almost deliberately, the kids have not forgotten but he is less present so is it. .
For a long while I had wrestled with it, is it a 'grey' area; I received no affirmation from the family services here. As I mentioned before, the system here doesn't  quite work for such 'family problems'.

......................................................................................

The following articles from Suite 101.com describes much of it..... http://www.suite101.com/emotional-verbal-abuse


Emotional domestic violence is the most pervasive form of domestic abuse, yet it can be the hardest to recognize. People who experience emotional domestic abuse don’t have outward signs of abuse like victims of physical domestic violence. Emotional domestic abuse is comprised of belittling talk, constant put-downs or criticism, lying and deceit, name-calling, social isolation, controlling behavior, threats of harm to self or others, blame for actions, and guilt. In many cases, an abusive relationship will escalate from emotional abuse to physical abuse. This is not to say, however, that emotional abuse is not serious in its own right; emotional domestic violence can cause long-lasting trauma.


* Dominance: Abusers want to feel that they are in charge. To achieve this, they often make decisions for themselves and their partners without first consulting. They do not consider the other person’s thoughts or feelings, and simply expect their decisions to be followed without question.  
* Embarrassment: Most abusers shame their partners in the presence of others, thus creating a sense of worthlessness in their victims. This is done deliberately so partners feel incapable of leaving. Thus, insults, name-calling and general disrespect are prevalent in many abusive relationships. Other less obvious tactics include chiding, ridiculing or undermining the victim’s capabilities.
* Separation: Abusers isolate their partners in order to create dependency. They typically keep friends and family away and may even prohibit partners from working or attending social functions. It is not uncommon for victims of emotional abuse to require permission to engage in activities outside of the home.
* Fear: Abusers frequently use fear tactics to push their victims into submission. They may threaten to hurt themselves, their victims, the children or household pets. In addition to verbal threats are intimidating looks and actions intended to signify that they are in charge.
* Blame: Abusers never want their actions named or confronted. To avoid this, they commonly blame their victims for their behavior. In other instances, abusive partners excuse themselves by saying they have a bad job, are experiencing pressure from work or home or do not feel appreciated. In other words, their actions are never their own.


To this end, the emotional state of an abuser often changes without notice. Therefore, he or she may be able to disguise verbal assaults or blanket them with later kindness. This makes the victim feel that he or she may have over-reacted to the initial incident. Thus, a vicious cycle of fear and guilt begins to form within the victim.


Signs of Emotional Abuse
Studies indicate that the after-effects of emotional abuse can be long-lasting and deeply-entrenched. Once they leave an abusive relationship, some women report an inability to trust. Others feel uncomfortable around people and fearful of how they are perceived.

Persons who are in emotionally abusive relationships often experience some of the following emotions:
* fear of their partner* general feelings of helplessness and anxiety
* desire to avoid certain subjects that may upset their partner
* compulsion to concur with their partner on all matters just to maintain peacejavascript:void(0)
* worry that their partner will suddenly become angry

 We are also products of  Narcissistic Personality.   (©1998-2004 by Joanna M. Ashmun.)

Time to move (Part 1)

Entry to Journal1: 30 Aug 2010:

It came this morning, the writ, to the office, my receptionist may have seen it. It was not even in an envelope, but the courier insisted to hand it to me.

Yes I thought evil, why not to the house? Justice will prevail so they say, I hope it does (I'm mad, mad is good, better than mushy).

He is a real ##$ss#, he knows his daughter is doing her exams soon; he chooses to do this now.

Not sure what I feel, there's a kind of loss.....

Not sure who to tell ... running through my head.....

'Let me go see the lawyer first' I thought to myself, take control.... ... my instincts were right ... I guess my heart didn't quite want to follow as quickly...
I feel so tired, I'm telling myself don't give in to this helpless feeling... most importantly I can't let it affect work.
My fren said ' many would stay for the kids... but is that the way to live! kids can adapt as long as you keep communicating, they will understand '.
I suppose it can be but sometimes it is better than the uncertainty of the outcome, .. the outcome has to do with the kids; kids now and 10 yrs from now can be of different minds And I just don't want to leave that window open. So on the one hand I am glad but on the other not really .. yes it means I can move on but for the kids it's another changing stressful chapter......
 
I'm afraid of the process... one step at a time.
I don't trust him .. that adds to it..he is malicious and evil what else can I expect ?

I hope then God is on my side whether he approves of divorce or not !

Labour and love.

Steadily it continues to tick,

changing seasons...

mothers persevere,
even as time moves,
but still we lag.
We slow our steps
to give way to those we love,
they move forward.

Is it the irony of our existence
or  a God-given instinct
- how it was and is to be,
to give all and have less.
To grow big with child,
and loose more of self.
That love should hold us back
to ensure they do not lack.
To gain satisfaction from that fruit,
to pour all into one
who may walk away
and leave us
alone.

And finally we are left in this place,
of memories of expressions
and moments,
in our precious possession.

- HA