Only that you seem to be there still following my thoughts which lately seem to be as depressing as 'Wuthering Heights'. I thank you for sticking.
There are lots of victims with their stories and each seems to seek solace or answers or help others or just find relief in the telling. I’m not sure what my telling does for anyone. Affirmation, validation I suppose that is why it all began. I was seeking for those in my first blog. In this my second blog, it’s about recovery and struggle to put myself back together again.
I had not dwelled on being a victim. In my mind I do not want to be one. I just want to get passed it. I began writing about it, because I forgot the incidents and details. Am I so forgiving, or is that what they call nature’s defense mechanism against the problem.
The problem:description [from previous posts and links with the article on emotional abuse and 'fear to strength'] comes close to a partial representation, add being products of a narcissistic husband and father. No sympathies please.
For myself I realized I cannot remember alot of it, even some of the most horrible showdowns I faced. I had written about some of the situations in the past, here and there on paper (past 20 years), in a notebook ..but not everything , and there is still a missing diary somewhere, I wish I had written more. I suppose it is not surprising that my older son too cannot remember the scariest moment of his life but I remember.
I have learnt that in the writing of it and the record of it especially over the last 2 years(and re-reading), the reality and frequency and horror of the situations, has helped me acknowledge that we are victims, I am a victim.
Do I have to do more to accept it? Am I done with it. It has taught me a lot about me. It has taught me what I should not be. I need to stop second guessing my actions to protect us.
I want to MOVE ON.
I don't see you as victim....I read your thoughts and marvel at you wonderful spirit to make sense of everything and try to change it into something that works for you...Stay strong okay....
ReplyDeleteYou never forget, you just block it off for better things to come. Well that's how I handled it anyway. But that had to stop, cos I was getting no where lying to myself.. Bless you dear.
ReplyDeleteI don't see you as a victim either; I see you as a woman who has endured abuse, but has chosen to get herself out of that situation. I see you as a woman who has the courage to move on in her life to new and good things.
ReplyDeleteI do not see you as a victim. I see you as a woman of strength and insight and courage. One that shares her truth. Thank you. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI spent many years of my life redefining myself and struggling to define myself as a survivor without defining myself as a victim.
ReplyDeleteMany years ago, I decided there was no making any sense of it. And I moved completely on.
I never think about it except to completely and decisively shut certain actions/people out of my life. Because I know that there are some things that I will not compromise on.
And I make no apologies for it.
I, like your son, have no memory of some of the scariest moments, but my mother does.
This weekend my husband played some music that took me instantly back to those years. Where I have no specific visual memories, but I have very specific emotions from those times.
It surprised me that all these years later that I was moved to tears, and almost asking myself again "Why".
But.
I turn the music off, and I step forward deliberately hand in hand with my children.
You have stepped forward with your children.
Don't doubt it. Trust in what you know to be true.
I thank you all most sincerely for your words.
ReplyDeleteDistracting myself is not the right way, I need to address the fears and stop feeling it. There is no need to feel this way.
That is the bast advice, be deliberate in my actions and push forward.
Stop doubting and move on.
Thank you