"The unconscious mind picks up body language even when we are not consciously aware that it may be threatening." (http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage-counseling.com/articles/abuse/yelling.html) - Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, PhD.
And because we remember those reflexes long after ...our bodies react the same way from before when threat was imminent.
Because the X is ultra sweet and ultra rational, the kids are less afraid butas I have learnt from my child, the fear is not totally erased. Our minds and bodies still remember. There is still that ‘take flight’ response in us.
Why do I allow myself to be bullied?
I have come so far and still, I allow him this power over me.
Feeling afraid and feeling defensive to his verbal attacks and accusations.
I know I must take hold of my thoughts.
Break out of it, be aware always, in my mind.
I have been taking little steps to fight back, to take back that 'space' that I have ‘given way’; to take control where I can to face up to him; to stand up to his antics
and show him that I am no longer afraid of him; to assert but not in the usual communication form but by bringing myself forward visibly and audibly. And I can tell he is not happy (more and more, he raves and rants with either his lawyer or some person on the mobile, call me all sorts of names). But he maintains absolutely calm with the kids.
Logically I know it, but it’s not the same as having fully accepted or internalized the belief. But currently, I still am learning that he has no power over me. He uses accusations, and demands and the children to intimidate- interferes to disrupt(their peace) to exercise his power. It still affects me and my first response is ‘flight’ still. So I am dealing with it and this process (no matter how much I hate it and wish for it to be over)which started a while back, seems to be a necessary part of my journey.
When I am on your blog, most of the time I feel I am sailing in the same boat with you. Take care and be strong. I missed you too. Love and hugs.
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