Jul 6, 2011

Scheming or caring?

Trying to ignore the rocks, but...

No way I'm not competing, but I think he(X) is trying to.

The ex has recently moved into my 'space' as in sitting down at the work table to involve himself in the boys homework of the day.
It's something he has never done before.

I told myself he can have at it. He does have some intelligence after all, let him exercise it and other skills.
The task for him would be to control his temper and reign in his patience. He cannot use his previous 'disciplinary' methods and must control his verbal abuse.
The long-wearing lectures are there, my sons are weary, naturally expected. It's upto him to show them if he is sincere and his intent on mending his way.

Old fears die hard, and the boys were tense, but it worked out for that day.  I can't help but be anxious. At the same time I'm looking at it as objectively as I can, .........

Fear of the unknown still lurks, unfortunately I am not be able to feel even 70% peace because I don't trust him and he has definitely earned that distrust and I'm pretty certain, he's still scheming while he can.

My youngest still fears his father's potential actions eventhough it's 'safe'.
Recently when his father began going through his school bag, he tells me he felt faint (like he was going to pass out).  I understood what happened (what memories ran through his very young mind) and here I thought he had overcome the worst of it.  My ex doesn't get how he has put 'fear' in their minds.

Tension is present as long as he(X) is around.  My boulder is being cut away, but it's still there.

When will it end....
.....until I need no longer see his(X) face.The clock is ticking but not fast enough....
Will he move on?

In my head, I think, a snake will always be a snake no matter how many times it sheds... we'll see.


  1. Yes, a snake will always be a snake no matter how many times it sheds… and a leopard doesn’t change his spots.

    But what matters is that you preserve your peace and joy, not matter what.

    Some thoughts on which to meditate that may help you find peace of mind and joy,regardless.

    There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear… 1 John 4:18

    And Shakespeare’s words…

    Love to faults
    is always blind,
    Always is
    To joy inclined.
    Lawless, winged,
    and unconfined,
    and breaks all chains
    From every mind.
    ~ Shakespeare

  2. Thank you Debra, the words mean much. I believe it, I know it 'perfect love drives out fear'..'and breaks all chains'.. that's the trick but it's oh so tough.


  3. Of course it is.
    ~ Much love and prayer


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