Sep 1, 2010

Time to move.... (Part 2)


There seems to be a few different descriptions of this type of abuse .. but whatever it is, it is exactly that- abuse. The abuse has cooled almost deliberately, the kids have not forgotten but he is less present so is it. .
For a long while I had wrestled with it, is it a 'grey' area; I received no affirmation from the family services here. As I mentioned before, the system here doesn't  quite work for such 'family problems'.
......................................................................................

The following articles from Suite 101.com describes much of it..... http://www.suite101.com/emotional-verbal-abuse


Emotional domestic violence is the most pervasive form of domestic abuse, yet it can be the hardest to recognize. People who experience emotional domestic abuse don’t have outward signs of abuse like victims of physical domestic violence. Emotional domestic abuse is comprised of belittling talk, constant put-downs or criticism, lying and deceit, name-calling, social isolation, controlling behavior, threats of harm to self or others, blame for actions, and guilt. In many cases, an abusive relationship will escalate from emotional abuse to physical abuse. This is not to say, however, that emotional abuse is not serious in its own right; emotional domestic violence can cause long-lasting trauma.


* Dominance: Abusers want to feel that they are in charge. To achieve this, they often make decisions for themselves and their partners without first consulting. They do not consider the other person’s thoughts or feelings, and simply expect their decisions to be followed without question.  
* Embarrassment: Most abusers shame their partners in the presence of others, thus creating a sense of worthlessness in their victims. This is done deliberately so partners feel incapable of leaving. Thus, insults, name-calling and general disrespect are prevalent in many abusive relationships. Other less obvious tactics include chiding, ridiculing or undermining the victim’s capabilities.
* Separation: Abusers isolate their partners in order to create dependency. They typically keep friends and family away and may even prohibit partners from working or attending social functions. It is not uncommon for victims of emotional abuse to require permission to engage in activities outside of the home.
* Fear: Abusers frequently use fear tactics to push their victims into submission. They may threaten to hurt themselves, their victims, the children or household pets. In addition to verbal threats are intimidating looks and actions intended to signify that they are in charge.
* Blame: Abusers never want their actions named or confronted. To avoid this, they commonly blame their victims for their behavior. In other instances, abusive partners excuse themselves by saying they have a bad job, are experiencing pressure from work or home or do not feel appreciated. In other words, their actions are never their own.


To this end, the emotional state of an abuser often changes without notice. Therefore, he or she may be able to disguise verbal assaults or blanket them with later kindness. This makes the victim feel that he or she may have over-reacted to the initial incident. Thus, a vicious cycle of fear and guilt begins to form within the victim.


Signs of Emotional Abuse
Studies indicate that the after-effects of emotional abuse can be long-lasting and deeply-entrenched. Once they leave an abusive relationship, some women report an inability to trust. Others feel uncomfortable around people and fearful of how they are perceived.

Persons who are in emotionally abusive relationships often experience some of the following emotions:
* fear of their partner* general feelings of helplessness and anxiety
* desire to avoid certain subjects that may upset their partner
* compulsion to concur with their partner on all matters just to maintain peacejavascript:void(0)
* worry that their partner will suddenly become angry


 We are also products of  Narcissistic Personality.   (©1998-2004 by Joanna M. Ashmun.)

10 comments:

  1. So many women go through this kind of abuse everyday that it is just unbelievable even to imagine.
    Why do they keep quiet about it?
    You seem to be such a strong woman. It must take a lot of guts to write about this side of life.
    Not every Wedding or Partnerships is all sweetness and light, but this is REAL LIFE at it's very worst.
    Good for you to bring this to light!
    Hope everything works out well.
    Big hugs!

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  2. I haven't commented for a while but I have been following your posts.

    I know what this means, you once said to me that we all go through difficult stages , somehow we are led.
    SO I believe you will come through this and find it less difficult than you expected because of those stages you went though earlier.

    You have faith I read it between the lines and He will be there for you like He has always been.

    I would like to answer Alice's question, it's not because we want to keep quiet but because we could not see the way out, hindered by the very 'obstacles' we protect.

    GHM

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  3. Anonymous2/9/10

    Hi Alice, I feel freer than I have in years.
    It is the right time for many things.
    This problem needs to be written about because it is real. Thank you I need all the hugs I can get now.

    Hi GH, I'm so happy to hear from you, I thought you had moved after your ordeal. It's now your turn to hold my hands virtually...:) .
    I cannot remember what I said to you before but I am stronger for what has happened and had to do. They were definitely more difficult even though they seemed negligible.

    You are also right, I am worried but less so. I just need to think on the practical stuff.

    Bless you both

    BM

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  4. Know that I'm praying for you and wishing for your good.

    As to emotional abuse, part of why I think so little is done regarding it is because the lines are indeed so gray. Every married person is a little bit emotionally unhealthy and unkind sometimes and it's difficult to define when it becomes abuse - but when you experience it, you KNOW - sort of. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for close to 7 yrs, and at the time never recognized it as abusive; I kept thinking that I needed to be a better wife. The only reason the marriage ended was because he took up with another woman and refused to give that relationship up, so I moved. At that time I was a mess, just holding it together for work and in front of my kids. So I went to see a therapist. Now sometimes therapy is a good thing and I've known lots of good counselors and people who have benefited from the process. I just remember telling the therapist early on that I just felt so flawed, like I was such a bad person and him basically telling me that wasn't such a big deal because everyone felt that way. I only saw this guy a few times. But I can tell you that once I was out of that marriage for a few years, I stopped feeling that way. Today I feel like I mess up and make mistakes, but I like me. I no longer feel intrinsically flawed. I'm not advocating divorce in all situations, just sharing my experience.

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  5. I would worry that his emotional abuse would escaluate to something worse.. but emotional abuse is a horrible attack on the person. No one deserves that.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Tracy, I thank you for sharing that,
    I was a coward in a way, because I could not initiate the divorce. I was not sure what was the right thing to do, I took it in little steps with family court and thinking .. always hoping, I think more like that, for some change.. yes my faith is probably partly responsible for that.
    Someone said it very bluntly to me once about 2 years ago, that the marriage is over and had been for a long time. She was right too.

    So it is his choice, and I don't feel regret how it has all unfolded now that I am here.
    Finally we can move on.

    Hi Sarah, it did escalate.. it's a simple (him) and a complicated (me/kids) story to tell. You are right no one deserves that kind of treatment.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Being Me - I was never brave. We stayed separated for 4yrs (he was even living with the other woman for 3 of those years). I just wanted the marriage to work because marriage IS important.

    May you experience, peace, joy and the energy that you need to be the mom you need to be to your kids. Oh, and may you have some fun too!

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  8. Great post. A lot of vital info. Blessings.

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  9. just stopped by again. Stay strong ok...and safe. Funny that the pain we go through...somehow makes us stronger as people although I wish no one this kind of pain. ☺

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  10. Hi Sarah,

    I agree with that most definitely.

    Thank you

    ReplyDelete

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