Tribute to wonderful Individuals

Two very elderly ladies passed away recently. Both were in their 90s. Both lived life fully.

Both were indirectly associated to me through familiar family around me.

The first one who died, had become senile for a few years now but she was still strong and mobile. This lady had one daughter and son-in-law who looked after her very well in their home until the end of her days. They had the patience, strength and the perseverence despite their own aging issues, both are into their 60s, both are soft spoken and lovely people. They gave her their all eventhough God had not blessed them with children of their own.

The second lady passed away just over this last weekend. I only met her at the wedding of her granddaughter just the weekend before that. She was so frail looking, sitting in a wheel chair yet full of life, smiling and chatting away. After the wedding couple did their first dance, they invited guests to the dance floor and she hobbled out of her chair holding on to the arm of one of her sons and did a short jig with the couple with her little bit of strength. I thought then how marvellous for her and the bride - what a sporting old lady.

So I was saddened and quite shocked to hear what happened. She was also blessed.
Many of her relatives, siblings were bound back to where ever they had come from - the Middle East, US, Australia and UK but most were held back because of the volcanic ash. Even the new bride(granddaughter) and groom, were still 'stuck' here and so she had her loved ones with her to take that final journey with.

Inspiring I think, we should not dwell on age or size or aches or on our limitations too much, just live fully and do and
we will.

Life is only as long as you live it.

Glee .. more than just Harmony

I know.. I'm slowing down in my posts..well the thing is I've been sort of catching up with my other activities like my card making(stamp craft). There are a few occasions to prepare for. But I'm still making my visits to your posts.

There is an excellent new American programme called 'Glee' on the cable channel, I've caught it a few times.
The concept of this show is wonderful (kudos to the creator!!); it is not just entertaining and 'educational' as a whole but also motivational.

Each of the characters are different, not just by race but by attitudes.
There are different traits, situations and ideals, weaknesses turned to strengths... brought out that youth today can relate to. The underlying messages are valuable.

In one of the episodes, this song 'Imagine' was 'sung by a deaf group of students to the Glee students, ..and it was moving.






...................  And the world will live as one...

Have a good week ahead.

Musing about Life .... again.

A couple of interesting statements I recently read and my thoughts:

" It is engagement that counts................The question of meaning of life is ... not edifying. One must immerse oneself into the river of life and let the question drift away"- Irvin D Yalom.

My encounter with several different persons in my life tells me a few things. There are 3 different categories of people :-

1) the group that is constantly whining or looking on and waiting for something to move us 

2) the group that is in the flow and moving of their own volition or 

3) that group that is in the flow but are merely being carried by it.. ..

Sitting on the banks and letting life flow by slows us down; age faster and mental faculties seem fuzzy or cluttered. This applies to both old and young alike. It can be quite depressing to live that way and be with someone like that too. It's harder to shake an elderly person out of it, but there's hope for the younger one yet. 

On the other hand when we are constantly moving with it (2nd,3rd group) we do grow. 

BUT it is only in the second group that we are really alive when we act(engage) and that is where the hard work comes in. 

But then having said that, it is good to slow down once in a while and observe the life that flows, to breathe in, take stock and refresh. Being in the first group only sometimes is alright and necessary.

The other interesting statement from Dr Yalom, "...freedom has a darker side" . Why, because we are then responsible for ourselves. 

There are times when I wish I did not have this freedom,  there just seems to be too much ground to cover and too many people involved,  I want someone else to shoulder them and lead me. And that would be being a apart of the first and third group. 

The group to be in mostly, is the second group.

A Day in the Life ... 'Listening' to my Kids is not easy ....

'Listening' to other people is easier done than listening to my kids.

When you listen, you don't just do it with the ears but you hear with an open mind and heart.  And our response should be one that is the result of digesting and absorbing that message. It should not be a reaction.

A lesson for me this week ......

I experienced a one-way shouting match with my teenager, while I remained calm I  realised I was reacting to her and not responding  (and this is something I don't do when I interact with others). She was obviously reacting to my response.
At the end of it, though she did recover herself soon enough to realise she was in the wrong and that made me happy.  While the 'shouting and the walking away' had reminded me of my husband's character,  the recovery was all her own.

Doing this with outsiders is easier than with the kids, I realise. I already have built in biases, expectations, presumptions and familiarity with the kids that does not lend itself to the patience needed. So by reflex my 'listening' to them becomes ineffective because my mind is already interpreting before the message is completed. As a result,  my response will not be the objective one it should be.

Ironically, the difference is because I care more.

I have to work at this.

Stand Tall

A symbol for my journey

I perceived, the sunflower

that would be the Me.

Reaching out toward the light,

standing tall, unafraid in plain sight.

But being still, I cannot always be

and so upon a butterfly did I settle

for my tracks and ramble.

I travel where I yearn to go,

leaving trails across pages

about yesterday and of tomorrow,

filling today with words and images.

Remember. Stand tall and bright

like the charming Sunflower,

be spirited like God's butterfly,

to and fro alight and ponder.

(HA - 2010)

Memo to Me : Patience is a virtue AND Hard Work

~ ~ Gentle Reminder:

It takes patience to do things properly and patience is required in the waiting for something good to grow. It's like gardening. It takes time for a  tiny seedling to grow and show it's first shoots and like that it takes time to cultivate a habit and behaviour.

So it is for a relationship with a child(old or young) and developing his habits - it does not just take lots of love and care but PATIENCE too.

I have always thought I had lots of it, but it is insufficient it seems.

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”  And you need perseverence too.  Hard to practise in this fast moving world, when we have so little time.

To grow and refill patience, be present in the here and now, or as May Sarton suggests consider gardening - “Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace.”

When dealing with a teenager, keep Lao Tzu's advice in mind:  'Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Be still and allow the mud to settle.'

Sometimes less is more.

Sunday Solitude - Free Will & God's Plan.

When I read this passage my thoughts flowed from question to interpretation, .. .. about free will and God's plan, sounds paradoxical but they are intertwined...


Is our destiny planned out? Is anything pre-ordained?
.... I don' t think so. This passage by Jeremiah tells me,  it is not. (Jer 18: 1-10).


God had asked Jeremiah to visit a potter. While there, the vessel that the potter was making came out wrong, and so he began again and shaped it into another vessel. This was a demonstration for Jeremiah , and God said to him,  we are like the clay, and "so you are mine.... Sometimes I announce that I shall uproot, break down... a nation .... but should the nation ... abandon its' wickedness I then change my mind about the disaster....". The reverse is also possible, even if he said that he "would build up a nation", should they displease God,  "I then change my mind about the good which I was intending to confer on it."


This was what struck me - that God changes his mind, because man changes.
While we are part of a master plan, it is a master plan that is always changing. God let's us live with free will to choose which path we will take. Imagine ourselves at the centre of a wheel with many spokes radiating from it.  Each is a different path that we could take by our choices and finish at the end of any one of those (myriads of) paths.   Does God know the outcome?  If God can change his mind, it implies that He does not know our future, neither does he set it. He may not know which path we will take, but I believe he knows what happens down each and every single path (branch or configuration) that is open to us and where each will end, because He knows each of us.

There are teachings and rules to guide us so that we each might choose the right path. But it is our choice to decide how to live.  When we take a wrong path, I believe He attempts to guide and redirect us by means of tragedies and catastrophes, opportunities and by uncontrollable events beyond our own control.

Because we are his (Jer 18:6) 'you are mine', He wants as many of us to be saved. But we have to heed the lessons. His plan for us then, all souls are not created perfect but by living a 'correct' life , we are to become perfect and thus end up in that perfect place at the end of our journey.

Because He knows what goes on in each path and where it ends, and if that path has no branches, it also means that God can take back that life if he sees it will come to no good and there is no hope of change. He can also take a life back when he knows that, that soul is on the right path to light, and that is where it ends, because it is already made perfect.
So for the rest of us still here, there is hope still that we are making our way on that right path and staying on it.

Sunday Solitude - Advice on how to Live life.

I finally found some time to sit and read this night.  Once more,  some of the peace and calm I had lost,  returns.

A good piece of advice for me, I found in the passages(St Paul's) I have just read, I who am not able to let go of the past; and a reminder to live without worry.
Tomorrow is a new day, the beginning of a new week, there will be new opportunities for new graces.

" I can only say that forgetting all that lies behind me and straining forward to what lies in front, I am racing towards the finishing-point to win the prize of God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus.. So this is the way in which all of us who are mature should be thinking, and if you are still thinking differently in any way, then God has yet to make this matter clear to you. Meanwhile, let us go forward from the point we have each attained"  Phil 3: 13-16.

Among the last words in these letters Paul says
" Always be joyful, then , in the Lord:.. Let your good sense be obvious to everybody. .. Never worry about anything; but tell God all your desires of every kind in prayer and petition shot through with gratitude, and the peace of God which is beyond our understanding will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus."
Phil 4: 4-7

A Day in the Life .....Busy busy ..done and to do...

This past week has been a hectic one at work. My PC kept restarting on me right in the middle of typing and the office decided they would switch it to one of the newer ones since it was obviously TIME. So in between waiting for restarts, loosing bits of data and conversion I still had deadlines to keep and tasks to get done.

Fortunately the damage was minimal because my data was already backed up or I would be crying over that. Amazing that we can't live without the computer in the office.
I have so missed my bible reading some too because of the late tired nights

This is the weekend.

I keep thinking that I need to start on it but I haven't done my assignment yet.

There was a PT meeting in the youngest boy's school. I took care of that and then ran some minor errands. Just after lunch I got to it, no not the assignment. 

The thought had been nagging me for a while about cleaning out the children's room. It was way overdue. Everyday I would come back from work to see the state of their room (piles of school books and papers old and new)  and I tell myself I have to do it myself. Their tidying efforts weren't cutting it. 

And today I did it.  It felt great to throw out a lot of unwanted stuff..old books and tonnes of old used papers, broken toys, old stationery... and clear out the drawers and organise them between non-school and school stuff. 
It felt good to see space.  Cleaning is Therapeutic.

I had to fight with my girl to clean out her place, she refused to let me touch them. I knew why of course. So many posters!  I managed to do one of the smaller cabinets with her art and craft stuff but not quite the writing desk. Have you ever tried cleaning off wax jell from the base of a drawer?  She said she would clean the desk. Well I checked, it was a little tidier but not fully to my satisfaction.  I will probably have to take a look at her wardrobe soon. She is not the most organised person.

Tomorrow is church day and marketing day, the fridge is almost bare, I will have to stock up extra too, since the double holidays are up soon. The Chinese New Year means the shops would be closed longer that usual.

 

The assignment will have to wait til then.

Being Positive is Not the same as not being Negative

I dislike wet blankets. I try not to be one myself but I suppose I can't avoid being caught in the rain like everyone else........

 
The effect of being positive is not the same as not having negative thoughts.

I have come to a point of awareness where I am able to pull myself back from the brink of bleak moods, to minimise negative thoughts. I essentially 'talk' myself out of it or remind myself 'for the sake of the kids'. 

But putting positive thoughts into motion is more difficult.

Being positive, feels like putting yourself into gear for forward momentum, an anticipation that should lead you to greater engagement.

Preventing or putting off negative thoughts feels more like putting the gears into neutral, holding back but not quite daring to take a different step.

Anyway, being totally composed all the time is impossible, I think we need moments to allow ourself to cry or scream.

I did that on Sunday, it felt good.

A day in the Life ....my cup runneth over.....

I'm still in the doldrums, I 've figured out what's bothering me...(besides the eostrogen problem).
These days I am bogged down with work. I think and think of the need to do lots more but  just haven't the time or the energy. I could use another 5 hrs in the day I think.
My children need me,  all three of them but there's only one of me. This bothers me

Dad helps but I think he needs to be a grandfather more than study tutor to them. This bothers me.

My oldest is stressed by school, but I can't really help there because much depends on her own efforts and methods. I can only keep encouraging her and not add to her stress.

I need to curb the 2 boys from their computer games, so I'm going to unplug the machine. They'll probably hate me for a few days or more or until they figure where I've hidden the cable.
I'll have to do more to keep tabs on their activities from the office.

The madman of the house is away for work more often so that helps reduce everyone's stress levels.

And then, there is this course which I have taken up, it's once a week but still(homework and reading) ...it is meant to be a  back up .. you never know which way this industry will turn or turn on us,.. should I postpone it (I kept postponing it ). This bothers me.

Stress wise I think I am coping, I ain't giving in, but coffee only goes so far.
 
Christmas tree needs to come down soon like yesterday!

Dad is worried about me, I tell him I'm fine.
But I worry about him too.

It's just another phase I'll survive this.

I should pray, but when I pray I come up with more questions about God and his presence (or lack of it ). I just want to believe he is there, I don't want to think about it. 
Sometimes it's just easier to pray for others than my own.

Silent drama on board.....A day in the life

Encountering rude impatient people at the train station is nothing new but every now and again something a little more 'entertaining' occurs!
This happened on one of the mornings as I travelled to work.

The train comes, as usual it is filled to the door , some patiently wait for the few to alight and of course there are a few impatient ones who will just shoot in while people are attempting to get out. 
Finally I get in, luckily, there is some space near the door, as I step in I am suddenly thrust forward into the people standing in front of me, I apologise feeling ‘bloody irritated’ and turn around to see who or what came through behind me.  Few others were similarly affected too.
‘A pair of morons’ I thought very angrily (pardon the language) – a young couple( girl and big guy) stood hand in hand facing the door continuing some conversation, oblivious to the hard stares at the back of their heads. I just kept staring as if my irritation might be able to seep through their thick skulls if I stared hard enough, I wanted to look at their faces. Just so they could see my displeasure.

There was a lady standing just alongside them, and she stood her ground through the next 2 stops, not budging from her spot even as people went out or came in. The rude couple still stood side by side at the front.  I thought to myself  'rarely do you see good in people on the subway'.

None too soon .. 'one good turn deserves another', I wickedly thought...
At the third station, there was a surge of people and the girl got ‘rudely’ pushed in by like-rude people and the boyfriend could not move backwards to her side because the lady moved back some and refused to budge to give way to him, she stood her ground and merely looked forward, ignoring him. He was very disgruntled, muttered something under his breathe, stared at the lady and then stared at persons who pushed his girlfriend in.
I had a smile on my face by then, as I watched him. As the big guy turned to look at the commuters,  I got to see his face and he saw mine.
I find it amazing that some people have no awareness of their own behaviour eventhough they are capable of recognising inconsiderate behaviour.

Seeking

Why do I look out the window
when all I seek is here in my heart;
only now with less sorrow.

I feel lonely today, a little downcast
my heart seeks warmth,
my mind wonders the past.

Seeking friends of old times,
girlhood giggles and smiles,
of music and rhymes.

In the distance, church bells toll,
I return from reverie,
little arms around me, lovingly fold.

With love of a family 
and friends aplenty,
I strive to be happy.

Still, I seek what escapes always,
wisdom that enlightens, fortitude to march 
and peace that touches like the sun's rays.

(HA - 2010)

Moving forward, making plans.

The season is almost over, it's been eating and eating and merry making mostly at one house after another. The presents have all been given out except for a couple of delayed meets. Dieting begins tomorrow I hope !!.

The school holidays will be over soon and the kids will be preparing to go back to school. (The kids are groaning, but I am glad!). Kids have so many different distractions today and yet they get bored SO fast. I will be glad to get back to the 'quieter'  'less chaotic' business of living.

I hope that the economy will pick up in 2010, and morale will generally pick up after the rather gloomy old year.
My resolve for 2010 is to pray and listen more on the spiritual front.  Even the three wise men followed the Star, (the light), they didn't try to figure it out through their own wealth of knowledge. There are many lessons in the nativity story.
The family PROBLEM is still present but I believe I have done what I can, shall leave it in God's hands for now until there is a sign.
On the kids front, I intend to work with my middle child and help him moderate his negative characteristics.
On the personal front, well I have already begun with a new course for personal enrichment, that should keep me busy PLENTY.

Looking forward to a better, positive year in 2010.

Give a Hug , collect a Hug today

I have been making a deliberate effort to hug my kids more often but it does not come so naturally because I was not brought up on it. Simple for many.
My folks were a traditional sort, 'me parent you child.... don't talk till you are asked something '. In fact. talking was rare then...we were not encouraged to be expressive.

Hugging is something that is relatively new to me that started in church among friends. And since then the practise has spread some but among the rest of society here it is still a rare deed.
But I am of a different generation that 'should know better',  I realise and observe this in other families too, that it is very much a two way thing.  I shall have to try harder, so that the kids will follow suit more comfortably.
I have been advised that this will reduce their tensions and stress inspite of everything that is going on, ... it is the physical contact, a warmth that helps and so I must keep remembering to do so.
You give one and you get one back.

Crowds - not my scene

Yesterday I went down to Orchard Road (THE Shopping Hub) to do some present shopping. I usually avoid the place, if I can help it.

The bright lights and horrific crowds are always never my scene.

When I got there,  I just couldn’t wait to get out fast enough. 

People everywhere, milling on the sidewalks, taking pictures next to Santa and the figurines along the well decorated sidewalk. 

I don't know why but I felt lonely, all of a sudden.

 
Have you ever felt that sometimes and in certain activities you want to be alone and there are other times or places where you would rather be with family and not alone.

Is it the place or is it the moment ?

No change please

Imagine an angel came into your dream and asked you,
'pick one moment of your life in the past that you would like to change'.

I remember the moment. I was away on holiday with my folks, sitting by the beach on a rock, I had been thinking about my 'courtship' which was a couple of years old then.  In that moment I had had second thoughts about his(my husband's) suitability, 'rightness' for me.  But I retreated from those thoughts and did not dwell deeper.  Is that what they mean by the callowness of youth?

IF nothing else will change,  I would choose to change how my thoughts proceeded at that moment in time. 
But that would be impossible unless I forget all else that I have to be thankful for now because of that moment.   So dear Angel, I do not wish to change.

Our instincts work perfectly, we only see it in hindsight,  ....  it's just that our hearts don't always sync with our brain.  Life's like that, we know what must be done in our heads but the heart, is it stronger or does it just lag behind?  Maya Angelou(poet) is right to have said  'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel'.
So why would the angel ask me this?  Perhaps that's a sign - to purge that moment,  a gentle reminder to STOP dwelling on the past because now I know I would not change it. 

Voltaire said 'Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.' and he is right too.

Emptiness for Fulfillment

I've been readng 'Encounters with Merton' by Henri J M Nouwen and I wanted to share a part that interests me and that is on 'emptying oneself' which was also discussed in M S Peck's book. Thomas Merton was into such deep contemplation of the meaning of life, the search for God, his self and so much more; his thoughts and journey is so complex I am not able to spell it out clearly.
Merton reflects that emptying our selves will  help us do away with fear.  This is done by detachment, to claim nothing and possess nothing not even his life. We will then be able to "stand without fear in a violent world"  Nouwen adds that "detachment does not mean shirking one's responsibilities. Rather it is a supremely active deed that makes it possible to move unprejudiced and unafraid into the center of the evil".
Merton wrote "If I remembered that I have nothing called my own that will not be lost anyway, that only what is not mine but God's will ever live, then I would not fear so many false fears."

Merton reflected that learning the secret of our nothingness will lead us to find our true selves, because what will be left, is us 'made in His image and likeness'.
Paradoxically it appears, emptying our true selves will give us our fill of answers to many questions and we will then know the way to go.

I have come some way(a tiny fraction) of letting go and giving it up to Him and that has truly made me feel less afraid of the unknown.  So I can only imagine what it must feel like (thousand times more liberating ?) IF I COULD go the whole way.

Sunday Solitude

A relatively peaceful day, today I don't want to ask for more, or think that life could be better or remind God of his to-do list for us, just gratitude and thanksgiving .........

1. Mom of Three described my blog as 'eclectic' and that means I write on diverse topics or experiences. I never really thought about it but it does succinctly describe the content. But on subject matter, it is mostly centred around  life and me. Does this then mean it is filled with variety? I am thankful that I have many interests to occupy me.

2. My parents are still around, and supportive without being judgemental of my current circumstances. They could have said 'I told you so'.  I thank God for them and their love.

3. I did not give up or go insane, I had strength to persevere. Thank you for my endurance.

4. I have a job, if not for that job, I would have been more hesitant and afraid to take the steps we needed. You have helped empower me.

5. I've been reminded by less fortunate parents, that God has blessed me with three beautiful children, I have 'nothing else to complain about but the normal mischief' that they would gladly have.  Thank you Lord for their well-being.

6. I have friends from my early school days, new friends from recent times, close friends who are even closer now and now I have blog friends to keep me company, at any time to stay in touch, to communicate with, thank you that I may never feel loneliness, they are my signposts.

7. I have two siblings with their own kids, who make time to to keep up family ties, I know they will stand by us should I ever need them more; thank you Lord that they do keep in touch, that they are there for me.

8. Thank you for technology that makes contact easy, and for enabling me the time, energy and health to participate positively in the life around me.

9. Thank you that there is light in my life.

A Journey from Fear to Strength.

I have some fears still but I have overcome much fear.  But as much as I would like to let them all out and 'release' them, I can't talk about it because my daughter reads my posts sometimes (yes u dear) maybe my son/s too.  I can't share more yet but you will get a gist of it.  Revealing anything more other than strength is not a good idea just now. They need to be strong for themselves, not for me.  I think I reveal more through my comments at others' sites. There are dark shadows in my life but there is light too.

When feelings overflow, it does come out in bits, now and then through some of my posts, [Volcano,  courage, child's anger, The bully ] when I'm upset, or angry, sad, or when there's a small triumph in  personal life. My role for my kids is to be strong for them, and seek out the best objective solution for them. My life for the last 20 years has been less than imperfect and I am working to getting it to just imperfect. The perfect life never lasts, I don't need it.

Joyce Meyer's Testimonial (Just Be Real) , The Narcissist and Janice's Diary ,  these blogs/ posts tell of realities that centre around  'abuse' and 'narcissists'.  In the last 20 years or so,  my kids and I have personally become acquainted with some of the painful experiences that these individuals mention. I have not slept a full night's rest for so long I don't really remember what it feels like anymore just a constant tired feeling.  The experiences of bloggers who have lived through so much more hardships, who are able to personally share (vent anger, realize peace, survive)  and comments from their supporters is heartening, it helps very much and keeps up my hope. 

I never talked about it, I hid my problem life so well. Why, because it was just unheard of in my circle. As I began to 'leak' a little of what  I faced with friends around me, I came to discover that we all hide something,  we seem to think everyone else has perfect lives and so we dare not reveal our unhappy lives. Everyone has different crosses to bear .  I was so uncertain, so afraid of the unknown outcome, blur of llines that were not quite black and white.  I was not a blogger nor a blog reader before I overcame the first major hurdle either, perhaps it would have moved me sooner.

About a year ago, I felt a 'bursting' feeling and there came a real shift within me, which came in the form of awareness and even a rude awakening through different close friends in my life. Finally being able to talk about it  had helped to push me forward, to be less afraid. 5 months ago I made that first move, for the past 4 months there has been some change for the better for my kids, we have come a long way, but we're not done.  5 months ago I couldn't talk about it without breaking up, but today I can.

What I have learned too about the social system of help, is that they can assure you some of the way but cannot commit all the way, it's only easy if it is definable in black and white, not for the grey.  Abuse is abuse isn't it, is there a question of how much or how little?  This is where naive me learnt a valuable lesson too and I will be more ready to face the next round if it comes to pass. 
It was just after the first milestone that I started this blog (healing). I had started an earlier blog  as a record of episodes in our lives; I believe that putting down the words also helped to precipitate action. But that remains private for now. Apart from the immediate problem, one precious element  that has been suppressed is self-expression and we are learning to let our minds fly free.

Where is my faith in all this, it's there deeper than it has ever been. I used to blame God but have come to realise all things happen as a consequence of our choices.  And so we need to deal with it the same way and not expect God to solve problems of our own making. When I thought (for years) I should be just praying and waiting for God to do something, he was actually pushing me to do something first, only I did not get that. As in Ted Loder's prayer (see sidebar) I desired to 'be bold'. I had to discover courage.   HE is there, and I know that.  At this stage, I still don't know what is God's will, we have come to a fork in the road, waiting either for God's move or man's. 

The bottom line is do what I have to do to improve the lives of the kids and yet make some difficult choices for myself . Mercy seems to be what God wants me to attempt so that I can say I gave (it) a chance for change. When the time is right to cross that line, I will know it,  and then I will know too that it is the right way to go.  As JBR aptly describes the emotions,  I too have not fully surrendered I have not learned how to yet. I am still climbing that mountain, (I forget sometimes) by myself.  His way has made me stronger. I pray that peace comes soon. For those who do not believe in God, call it what you want, but something greater has pulled me out of my hole.
For all those who have only darkness and no light, I pray that hope shines your way and that you will be able to step out of the shadows.

This quote holds a truth in the first part, we hope soon for the fullfillment of the second part.
If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. -John Heywood