Sunday Solitude

A relatively peaceful day, today I don't want to ask for more, or think that life could be better or remind God of his to-do list for us, just gratitude and thanksgiving .........

1. Mom of Three described my blog as 'eclectic' and that means I write on diverse topics or experiences. I never really thought about it but it does succinctly describe the content. But on subject matter, it is mostly centred around  life and me. Does this then mean it is filled with variety? I am thankful that I have many interests to occupy me.

2. My parents are still around, and supportive without being judgemental of my current circumstances. They could have said 'I told you so'.  I thank God for them and their love.

3. I did not give up or go insane, I had strength to persevere. Thank you for my endurance.

4. I have a job, if not for that job, I would have been more hesitant and afraid to take the steps we needed. You have helped empower me.

5. I've been reminded by less fortunate parents, that God has blessed me with three beautiful children, I have 'nothing else to complain about but the normal mischief' that they would gladly have.  Thank you Lord for their well-being.

6. I have friends from my early school days, new friends from recent times, close friends who are even closer now and now I have blog friends to keep me company, at any time to stay in touch, to communicate with, thank you that I may never feel loneliness, they are my signposts.

7. I have two siblings with their own kids, who make time to to keep up family ties, I know they will stand by us should I ever need them more; thank you Lord that they do keep in touch, that they are there for me.

8. Thank you for technology that makes contact easy, and for enabling me the time, energy and health to participate positively in the life around me.

9. Thank you that there is light in my life.

A Journey from Fear to Strength.

I have some fears still but I have overcome much fear.  But as much as I would like to let them all out and 'release' them, I can't talk about it because my daughter reads my posts sometimes (yes u dear) maybe my son/s too.  I can't share more yet but you will get a gist of it.  Revealing anything more other than strength is not a good idea just now. They need to be strong for themselves, not for me.  I think I reveal more through my comments at others' sites. There are dark shadows in my life but there is light too.

When feelings overflow, it does come out in bits, now and then through some of my posts, [Volcano,  courage, child's anger, The bully ] when I'm upset, or angry, sad, or when there's a small triumph in  personal life. My role for my kids is to be strong for them, and seek out the best objective solution for them. My life for the last 20 years has been less than imperfect and I am working to getting it to just imperfect. The perfect life never lasts, I don't need it.

Joyce Meyer's Testimonial (Just Be Real) , The Narcissist and Janice's Diary ,  these blogs/ posts tell of realities that centre around  'abuse' and 'narcissists'.  In the last 20 years or so,  my kids and I have personally become acquainted with some of the painful experiences that these individuals mention. I have not slept a full night's rest for so long I don't really remember what it feels like anymore just a constant tired feeling.  The experiences of bloggers who have lived through so much more hardships, who are able to personally share (vent anger, realize peace, survive)  and comments from their supporters is heartening, it helps very much and keeps up my hope. 

I never talked about it, I hid my problem life so well. Why, because it was just unheard of in my circle. As I began to 'leak' a little of what  I faced with friends around me, I came to discover that we all hide something,  we seem to think everyone else has perfect lives and so we dare not reveal our unhappy lives. Everyone has different crosses to bear .  I was so uncertain, so afraid of the unknown outcome, blur of llines that were not quite black and white.  I was not a blogger nor a blog reader before I overcame the first major hurdle either, perhaps it would have moved me sooner.

About a year ago, I felt a 'bursting' feeling and there came a real shift within me, which came in the form of awareness and even a rude awakening through different close friends in my life. Finally being able to talk about it  had helped to push me forward, to be less afraid. 5 months ago I made that first move, for the past 4 months there has been some change for the better for my kids, we have come a long way, but we're not done.  5 months ago I couldn't talk about it without breaking up, but today I can.

What I have learned too about the social system of help, is that they can assure you some of the way but cannot commit all the way, it's only easy if it is definable in black and white, not for the grey.  Abuse is abuse isn't it, is there a question of how much or how little?  This is where naive me learnt a valuable lesson too and I will be more ready to face the next round if it comes to pass. 
It was just after the first milestone that I started this blog (healing). I had started an earlier blog  as a record of episodes in our lives; I believe that putting down the words also helped to precipitate action. But that remains private for now. Apart from the immediate problem, one precious element  that has been suppressed is self-expression and we are learning to let our minds fly free.

Where is my faith in all this, it's there deeper than it has ever been. I used to blame God but have come to realise all things happen as a consequence of our choices.  And so we need to deal with it the same way and not expect God to solve problems of our own making. When I thought (for years) I should be just praying and waiting for God to do something, he was actually pushing me to do something first, only I did not get that. As in Ted Loder's prayer (see sidebar) I desired to 'be bold'. I had to discover courage.   HE is there, and I know that.  At this stage, I still don't know what is God's will, we have come to a fork in the road, waiting either for God's move or man's. 

The bottom line is do what I have to do to improve the lives of the kids and yet make some difficult choices for myself . Mercy seems to be what God wants me to attempt so that I can say I gave (it) a chance for change. When the time is right to cross that line, I will know it,  and then I will know too that it is the right way to go.  As JBR aptly describes the emotions,  I too have not fully surrendered I have not learned how to yet. I am still climbing that mountain, (I forget sometimes) by myself.  His way has made me stronger. I pray that peace comes soon. For those who do not believe in God, call it what you want, but something greater has pulled me out of my hole.
For all those who have only darkness and no light, I pray that hope shines your way and that you will be able to step out of the shadows.

This quote holds a truth in the first part, we hope soon for the fullfillment of the second part.
If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. -John Heywood

Reverie

A time for reverie
why do we not spend it.
For our minds too, need a spree
of moments to refresh, fatigue to defeat.

Each day it strives to bring fruit.
So little time is given to re-boot.
There is power in service,
we are carried away, bankrupt of emotion.
The landscape is flat, we never see that crevice,
then we die to that dedication.

Through the cracks, do you see,
there’s more, why limit experience
to just a tiny me
in the whole of existence.
Create more moments in time,
splash colours across all memory.
Feel the heartbeat surge to song and rhyme,
the landscape undulate, art takes on poetry.
Can you feel the leaves rippling,
living is more than a fruit you see,
the horizon beckons, extending,
branches sway, stand tall, we are the tree.

(HA - Sep 2009)

A Purposeful Title

For the little lives we bring forth, our emotions ebb and flow, yet they are for us the most beautiful distraction.  Here I am,  a mom of three  and will be always a mom.  For  the children, be they  near or apart,  our souls are forever linked,  for we are and will be their mothers always.
But then there's more to it,  please read between the lines, you should not judge a blog by its' title.
There are hidden layers pulled from the shadows, poured out in these pages,  and soon from anonymity I become a known stranger.
I look forward to these moments when I arise to write, it has taken too long but am learning to let all go, and  just be real; discovering about being me.
As I stumble along into the right path,  I believe I am here in this moment,  because of the recent chapters of my life.  I am not alone, mostly finding my way like you. And when all the pages are arranged together, you will see, it is like the journey of a single mum.


It's sort of amusing how I ended writing this, the blog link idea came to me after I started to write,  should I call it a  'blogloquy'  ..
... feeling strangely moody today..God Bless  ....

Moments & Snapshots

If you caught me at the wrong moment yesterday..(Gaia did).. I was fiddling with my blog look but as you can see,  I have not succeeded sob! (phew ! at least I didn't loose the posts)..For a moment I thought I'd succeeded but the buttons didn't work. I shall try again soon. 

Dear Diary ..today  I' m sort of tired , I'm thinking I'll keep it light.  ..I looked at photographs....

(No photo critiques please,  2 of these pix were taken with a camera phone. )

 

One of my proud moments with all 3 of my kids (so that would be 3 moments) , is when they each learned to ride a 2-wheeler on their own and within minutes. It was amazing really, I didn't have to hold on to the back of the seats. Amazing too because I recall it took me a few trials, some scrapes and a few days to master the balance bit. And yet they just sort of wobbled a bit and took off like it was the most natural thing to do. 

How fast they grow.....

The Zoo is one of the few favourite places which we never tire of visiting.  We love the white tigers in the Zoo and these poor guys had their moments too, through no fault of their own in Nov 08 . A worker in the Zoo had climbed into the enclosed area on purpose and gotten mauled by the animals.  I am sorry to say he did die which had appeared to be his intention according to reports.  There was talk about putting the animals down after that (because ignorant people were calling for it), but thank goodness, it was decided that it was not the fault of the animals; they were acting according to nature. I'm glad they're still there for us today and hope they will be there tomorrow for the third generation. They are an endangered species with less than 130 left in the world (when was that last count).

Leftovers in their less visible form are called memories. Stored in the refrigerator of the mind and the cupboard of the heart.- Thomas Fuller

A Poem for Bloggers

This poem 'A nameless relation' was written by A Known Stranger.  He has created many other poems on his website and I have enjoyed going through them, the poems express many different emotions and life situations (I have not finished going through them all). 
I thought that this particular piece as I read it, was too good not to share because I think most of us bloggers will be able to appreciate the words, it's about you and me.   To quote Aphrodite Orania  'this is a wonderful medium for most of us, who sail on the same boat to unveil, vent, confide, find solace and feel wanted and heard'... feels like  a celebration of blogging.........


Though you are friend of mine
Known in virtual world, living
Far away and miles away,
We do talk hours together
with interest,over phones and mails ,
on subjects strange to discuss.
We know not how we sparked
nurtured and grew our bond
To a nameless relation
That seems bizarre

You hold a special place in my life
So unique, that we share
Our joy and worries , with out meeting,
We understand each other
Crossing the barriers of age and culture,
Soothing each other with respect.
I picture your smiles and moods
How you think and behave
A game which is interesting
To play and enjoy.


I wish we hold this fragile
Sphere of glassware with
tenderness and hugs galore
It will seem unusall to any
Yet our relation is unique with
fantasy to live
and cheerish for life time
It will be seem strange to many
But this special relation I have
With you , I owe is true and
…………………….
And I wish I never shatter
This fantasy with any
eerie events …..


Thank you to A Known Stranger 

Thinking out loud - Reflections

Something to chew on.....
M Scott Peck in his book had commented that he did not think that God is omnipotent because HE endowed us with free will ('developable').
God created the soul. Why would he (or did he) create an evil soul ? "This is not meant to take away the mystery of it all. Indeed, if soul creation, is in fact, an experiment of God's in each and every instance, it then becomes mysterious why there are so very few such obviously failed experiments". Therein lies an even greater mystery, that of human goodness.

So if we are God's experiments, he grows with us. God changes with his people,  moves with the times according to our evolution?  God of the old testament is different from the one in the new.   The Israelites, thousands of years ago, needed a heavy hand as opposed to people of today who respond better to reason because we have evolved, we are more thinking beings than our ancestors

Somehow it makes sense, we are not created perfect and our lives are not perfect either. We each have flaws. We each have free will.

Living and Dying Well - M Scott Peck

Part 2-3 of Denial of the Soul

Dr Peck's theological and religious leaning comes through quite strongly in his advise on how we should approach death. It is as if he too was searching for a way to the ultimate stage of acceptance.
The second half of the book draws a parallel between living and dying and Dr Peck discusses what it means to do both well and in communion with God or one's deepest self (soul) for secularists. There are stages that we go through in any situation of trouble or crisis and it applies to dying too.  (Kubler-Ross stages of learning)
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Dr Peck puts forth that human beings are meant to continue learning and developing, most often we stop learning because we do not get pass the denial stage. The soul he believes, is not created to stagnate 'why would God not only create us but continue to nurture us unless we were developable. Unless God desired our development, our learning?' This he feels is the meaning of life.

Dying gives us the opportunity for learning and soul development. By opting for Euthanasia however we are denying the meaning of human existence and attempting to 'escape the reason for our being', 'it shortchanges ourselves.'  In his experience with dying individuals, the final stage of Acceptance appears to lead one to an ethereal awareness of self,  they seem to emanate 'light that embraces their company', no sadness is experienced.
When we are depressed, the healing of depression requires that there be (existential)l suffering. When we seek out answers to our troubled feelings, we come out on the other side with learning and wisdom on a higher plane. Interestingly he says sometimes the solution could mean there is no solution, we accept that and move on.  Dr Peck describes that to arrive at enlightenment we need to recognise our shortcomings and give up 'things of the ego' - arrogance, excessive competitiveness, need for self-esteem, righteousness etc. We need to identify it and realise we 'can give it up' and do it.  It is about making a choice to continue learning, to develop the inner being and thus we should continue to live until we cannot.

Death of the ego or letting go can be painful. Dr Peck likens these episodes of working at depression to 'little deaths'. One of these characteristics is the 'need to be in control'. Certain forms of Euthanasia or assisted suicides is motivated by this need to control our exit from life.  But Dr Peck maintains that it is not up to us to decide when. In such cases that need (ego), means forgoing cooperation with the Creator and forgoing the ultimate enlightenment of 'emptying ourselves'.  The relief of suffering at the expense of hastening death is acceptable as opposed to shortening life to avoid facing death. Extreme pain and suffering without viable relief is the influencing factor and timing is not of our choosing.
In the final part of the book part 3, Dr Peck discusses different ways to handle terminal illness, their aftercare and suggests methods and counseling for individual medical contexts and also proposes pastoral advisors for meeting the needs of the soul.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
I believe there is a close parallel in religious writings that many of us can identify with - 'to die in order to live'.

I am finished with the book but not really done with it (if you know what I mean).

Little Confessions

I've been reading the old testament of late, a remark made by a non-Christian prompted me to do this and I haven't stopped.  I am a 'cradle' catholic, I don't recall much of the cathechism that flew past me in the early years and honestly only came to truly appreciate the faith, and God in my later years. I never paid much attention to the other books in the Bible particularly in the old testament. I am embarrassed to admit this but I'm going to, I never knew that Moses never entered the promised land until recently.

Contrary to all the Sunday readings, I encountered a God who is fierce and super-strict; not as I've come to know him but one who is intolerant, demanding, almost unforgiving, reactive - this comes through quite scarily in the books of Exodus, Numbers and Deutoronomy.

Suddenly I think,  I want God of the old testament to rain down fire on the bully in my life but yet I prefer God of the New Testament to be there for me.

Sometimes I wish I could direct my life the way I want it and direct God in this drama too... [no lightning!.]. did I say that I fantasize a fair bit!
That's the drama of my life.. taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

Stereotyping

Not too long ago, Jeff  discussed an incident on racism in his blog. Another subject not too far from this yet often overlooked and glossed over is stereotyping. I need to rant a bit, we're approaching festivals - we just passed one for the Muslims and are approaching another for the Hindus and sweeping remarks made by the ignorant and careless, just get on my nerves now and again .

I live in a society that is made up of many different races, each one quite diverse yet we're quite integrated - Indians, Malays, Chinese, sub-divide that with religion. While this nation's 'civilization' has come a long, long way, and in this age of internet and TV,  there are still pre-conceived notions running in the heads of the so called 'better' educated locals of their long-residing counterparts.

Here are some typical remarks:
- she is very fair for an Indian
- she looks like Chinese but she's actually Malay
- he's Indian but he's Catholic
- she's Chinese but she married an Indian
- he's Indian but his wife is Chinese
- her hair is so straight for an Indian
- she's quite dark for a Chinese
- she's Indian but she knows how to eat Chinese food.
- he's quite good looking for an Indian
- he's Muslim but he is not fasting
- she has an English name but she is Indian
- she's Chinese but she's got nice eye lashes...
.. it goes on..
Mild but it grates. Can you hear it,  the condescension, ignorance, underlying prejudice, presumption and imposition...the word 'but' is like that chalk piece screeching against the blackboard.
Why can't people make observations without suppositions?

The ignorance is amazing, the incapacity to learn anything (or absorbing anything) about your neighbour for 30 years of living next to them, the ease of assuming is baffling.
More often than not my sarcastic response is wasted on these persons, and when you point out the error in their thinking, they justify themselves based on   'most of the time', 'usually like ', 'they always' ...  when really they don't know.
These are not about norms of yesteryears, it's about being aware, being more exposed and asking questions.  Is it shocking that narrow mindedness still exists ?

Trekking through a New Frontier

It is now officially 3 months old, this blog of mine.

When I started blogging it was more as my personal journal. I always have more questions than answers. Since I joined the blogging community I have been amazed and continue to be amazed as I go blog trekking. I am discovering a world of interesting people all over the globe on all kinds of interesting subjects. Mostly, that I am not alone on some of the issues I face, and your words help in many ways. We do make connections.

I blog and I follow,  I comment where I need to say something or I don't (so much to read). I have varied interests and am pulled into most subjects especially on the self (journals), on human nature, mothers and kids however it is expressed, be it in pictures, words, music or poetry. The work of so many minds is truly amazing. When I get to new sites, I explore not just the blog but the followers too (such a busybody!).

I've come across different blogger writer types
1) the ones who write for pure revenue interest
2) the ones who write very personal stories
3) the ones who write for the love Of God
4) the ones who write because life is full of interesting questions and experiences to share(good and bad)

Wow and some of you have multiple blogs too, I envy that energy.

5) the ones who write on business subjects

and then you have different follower types(not necessarily signed up)

6) write and read other blogs

7) don't write but read blogs

8) Loyal

9) Hoppers

The lone ranger:

10) write but don't read any other blogs

The blog world makes for wonderful human interest exploration and we certainly can learn from each other and learn new things along the way. Thank you for the kind awards that some of you have shared. Many of the blogs are beautifully designed and decorated, but more importantly is what they have to say. (I'll have to fiddle with mine soon).

This award is for all you wonderful people who have joined me along the way at some point or other,  with your thoughts and comments and to all who follow:  Gaia, Arise to Write, Farila,
Mom of Three, Always a Mom, Charmaine, Janice, Julieanne, Echoes , Political Blog,  Kathleen, Blushing Rose, Creative Liquid, TheConformalBlog, Blest Atheist, Magdalena,  Moon Loh, AphroditeOrania, Tammy, SheGurl, Spiller, Aperdue7..
(if I 've  left anyone out my sincere apologies).
And thank you.

A Day in the Life... Words

There's a rhyme that goes "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me"..  who came up with this, it's absolutely not true.

Last night I got so mad with my older son, that I almost said something terribly harsh. I don’t think he realized his words hurt me and I don’t think he even remembered it after. I was fuming mad with him and that made me literally bark at the other two kids who did nothing wrong. I stopped myself; I refused to talk to him further and asked the other two kids not to talk to me because I was upset with their brother.

He is doing the PSLE this year and that has put him under pressure for the past few months now. It is something that has been building for both him and me too. Inspite of advice, much of the stress is self-inflicted, he is a worrier by nature. He is quite unstable in his emotions where his abilities and confidence are concerned and they fluctuate so wildly, it tires me out.

An hour after the episode, I went into his room to see him and he looked at me like nothing happened, like he didn’t have that self-righteous episode.
I let him be, I decided I was not going to pursue the matter then or today and try to make him recognize the wrong. Why, because it might dig a deeper hole in me and I don’t think he will come to the realization? It will bother me some but I’ll just blame immaturity(he's 12) or stress and give him space. Motherhood can be painful in more ways than one.

This morning I am back to my calm self, and I am glad that I bit my tongue and held back the words. Taking back words does not quite relieve you and somehow once you let go of those words, it’s not like you can take it back completely and wipe it from memory. I know the words would have hurt him (even if he does not seem to be listening) and me too.
This is not the first such incident, I’ve also decided when this happens again, I’ll handle it differently with reverse psychology rather than reason, that is try another doorway into his stubborn mind.

Chain Mail

Chain letters, have you ever received them ?  
Before the PC became a common household item, I had received a few of these through the snail mail. In those,  my  younger days,  I used to fret over them, and there were a couple or three that I actually did follow through, literally repeat writing 7 copies (7 seemed to be the favourite number and still is).  But nothing noteworthy happened, neither for the chains I continued ( I didn't get my windfall) nor the ones I 'broke'  (my room did not burn down).

A few weeks ago, I received one at work and it stated a list of sins committed by the common man. I was to add 2 more common sins to that list that was already there (it was a very long list), and pass it along to 12 friends and add the email listed below as the 13th address. If I did not follow through, 3 evil events would 'befall me' within the next 3 days and I would only recover from it by not eating meat for 7 days. (the magic number again, and some comic relief !!). 

Yes, they seem to have multiplied via the email these days. While it is easier to act on them, I  don't follow through on them. They are mostly less ominous sounding too ( no curses or 'bad luck will befall you'  nonsense).  There are a few that I do pass on and that's usually if they involve Blessings and wishes. I do it for the sake of passing on those well-wishes or prayers but I don't follow the number that is specified. Why do people do that, attach number of times or specify number of emails to send out. 
If it's a good message to pass on or a special blessing why not, by all means, send it out without conditions or ultimatums, just good old fashion goodwill.
I'm not knocking anyones' superstitions here, it's just my take.

(PS : A techie friend tells me that in some cases it's purely for data mining..so beware..!)

When I Become Me

We are tiny specks in this vast universe
from somewhere in that space we began.
How did we come to be unique and diverse,
is it the essence or matter that makes us man.
We are human and humane we are to be.
Each of us made from one special mold,
yet when we come to be there is nothing but cells to see,
is it the soul that finds a life or the life that finds a soul.

I am much more than the physical.
To fulfill a destiny that seems inconsequential.
But why me, for what purpose, did he create.
The path we walk is never smooth or straight,
distractedly we plod through detours, the heart engages
the essence of me; more is my lot.
But One who is greater enlightens our searches
with a flame for man who cannot.
To journey with wisdom
from earth to that kingdom,
what special gifts in our depths we hold,
it is worth much more than gold.
Open the eyes and see, it's not too late, 
look again the road is straight.

(HA 2009)

Crosses in Different Sizes

All of us have different problems and troubles and until we come across others who seem to have a lot to deal with, we then re-look at ourselves in retrospect.   Janice is one such blogger and there are many more such individuals. I'm not writing this out of pity, but empathy.
My troubles can consume me for a whole day but yet I still have room to bounce back on the good present in my life.
Janices' story is really heartbreaking, there are elements in her life I can identify with, but they count as a fraction;  for me they are relatively recent (16 yrs) but her story begins way back from her childhood.
The fact that Janice blogs in spite of her hardship, despair and is able to carry on is really amazing. There's courage and a strong spirit to survive all ills.
Please add Janice to your prayers for a less weary life and a happier Now.

(click on Janice or the Rose for the link T Y)

Life's like That

Over the past weeks, I have been attempting to watch (observe) things as they unfold as opposed to letting things whiz by. I do see that the world is not actually roaring past us, I see it unrolling. You see more, hear more of life around you . And interestingly ‘time’ itself feels like it moves differently, somehow slower, although in actual when I look at my watch it has moved faster. I have been ‘observing’ the interaction of the kids and I keep learning new things (eventhough they have me climbing the walls sometimes).

Just when I think I’m getting the hang of it, ‘madness’ unfortunately (that all-consuming necessity that most of us are occupied with from 9-6 everyday) intervenes, puts me back on that fast track. In the industry I’m in, it’s impossible to have a controlled consistent workflow. When clients jump, we jump too and when they’re totally disorganized we have to clear the path , fight through the chaos to meet deadlines.
It’s easy to think I should or can control that but some motions are just easier to be carried away with, so that the job can be expedited, it’s a necessity.

And then I return to the life outside of that, that matters and try to catch the old rhythm again. I guess I have to wait for work to return to normal again.
That’s just the way life is.

Our Human-ess and the Human Spirit

Human nature('ego') and the human spirit are two different entities, while we blame human nature often we forget we do have a human spirit that can be stronger. It appears to be a question of motivation.

Back to M Scott Peck's book - Denial of The Soul,  I'm currently into the early chapters of part 2.
M S Peck had a story about a man who had literally become a skeleton of himself due to terminal lung cancer, for some reason he was still alive and should have been dead.  He could not eat, even when he tried to force himself. His body had wasted away, he was in anguish in more ways than one.His wife was probably the reason he would not give up. His wife was holding on to him through her strong influence and motivation about not giving up the fight, 'can beat this', it was her 'fighting spirit in conjunction with' her husbands that was keeping him alive.'

The fact was, this man's spirit was obviously stronger than his body, and his body was dying. 
The advice that Dr Peck had for the wife was to consider giving her husband the permission to let go. The advice to her husband was for him to consider 'giving up'. 
[Please bear in mind the subject of the book is Euthanasia].

Most of us are brought up to believe that it is always wrong to give up and that was what the husband thought too.  Dr Peck did not tell him it was the right thing to do but he also did say it was 'not necessarily bad to quit' and left him to think on it.
Both husband and wife prayed for more than day together and then decided to go home together.  Two days later the husband passed away peacefully. The wife thanked Dr Peck for his advice.

I had goose bumps when I read this story, that a human bond can be so powerfully binding, that the human spirit can be so awe-inspiring.

Dr Peck was not just a physician and psychiatrist but also a theologian. And that is what makes his contribution on this subject, rather more complex. He argues that while secularists don't acknowledge the 'soul' per se, they should not ignore that there is a deeper essence to us beyond the body and mind.  When Dr Peck talks about soul it is not so much in the religious sense as that of the inner being, something 'larger than the self'.

In Peck's mind, the husband had not given up but 'chosen to cooperate -to give in to God'. Time for the soul to return. This is the beginning of part 2, questions explored are, are we denying the soul, do we shorten our lives by our 'little' addictions and excesses that harm our body, are we fighting the natural order (for human or soul), should life be unnaturally and painfully prolonged or as Dr Peck  interprets, are we cooperating with God re: the longevity of life.

" We know a great deal more about the causes of physical disease than we do about the causes of physical health. " 

I'll be back with more of Peck's experiences and lessons. I don't expect there to be a conclusion or decision at the end of this book. Dr Peck wanted us to be more discerning when it came to the question of living and dying well.

 I just read a blog(that's 1 more today) it was so sad from beginning to end, please say a prayer for those in despair.

The Smell of Rain

Last Monday, we decided we were going to walk the perimeter of the estate. But alas, that little grey cloud that did not look at all threatening, decided we should not take that walk.
Half way up the road, the drops started, my kids and I, we looked at each other and sighed.
They were on wheels so they rushed back. I was on foot but I decided not to rush.
What's a little wet, most of all I wanted to smell the rain.
From my earliest years, this is one of the moments I  replay in my head, I have always enjoyed the smell of rain.  I look up into the endless sky like I did since the land before time, but still 'I cannot see where the rain starts from'.

Sometimes before it reaches us, I can get the scent of it and look forward to its' arrival.
It brings to mind memories of playing carefree in the garden, the field, of netball days, watching the rain from my childhood home window, images of wet green leaves fluttering from the drops.
I can't really pinpoint what it does for my senses - the clean air or the cleaning process, the grey sky,  the torrential sound and then the stillness after the rain.
Perhaps it's the nostalgia that connects it; after all rain has been a constant throughout my life.

Like this: ....God Is

Good and evil.........


http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Old socks, books and me

My friend calls me ‘wacky’, in an affectionate sort of way I think (cringe).
Why because my mind works in strange ways, she’s referring to my post Self Conflict & Mortality.
It’s not like I see dead people right ? It must be all that reading I keep doing, that is stored somewhere in my mind and throws up bits from time to time for me to chomp on. But this is me and I am comfortable exploring it.

I have always been a quiet, thinking sort of person. And yet I married a total opposite who is loud and crass. Well they say love is blind and your brain is dead too for the duration. Ah, but to have a child, nothing compares to that experience and nothing changes you more. ahh but...I digress.

Old habits die hard, I don’t stay grounded by the kids all the time.
Perhaps that is my mind’s coping mechanism to get away from the everyday problem that won’t go away today. We all have ‘old socks’ that we hang on to comfortably, mine is books, escape into fantasy or into non-fictional preponderance.
Just give me a (good)book and I’d be oblivious if the world fell apart around me, that’s why I only read when I’m not with the kids and often overshoot my station on my way to work.
Everyone has a comfort zone, what's yours?

A Wednesday Awakening

It's been a little heavy going, it's time to retreat with a brief interlude..
I wrote the words to this song a few years ago in my note book at a time when it held a special message for me. There was a time when I thought appearances was primary but I've learnt that it is of no importance or use; just be me.  Life's like that,  we don't always have to like it, and we can be honest about it.
It is an old song (reminiscent of ancient tones) with an ever-relevant simple message (Return To Innocence -by Enigma)

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

Self-conflict & Mortality

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
I am currently reading M Scott Peck's book 'Denial of the Soul'. Have almost completed Part 1 and impatient to get to Part 2 which is on the spiritual aspects of the subject. The book addresses Euthanasia and Mortality, through medical and spiritual perspectives of individuals.
Apart from discovering more on the mind, the other reason why I picked this book up, is to discover if it is wrong or right to say that I don't want to live that long a life just upto 68 and not 90.. would suffice. I don't think the book will deliver an answer, only God can, but it will give me food for thought. Yes I know it sounds like a strange thing to think about but haven't you ever wondered about it. This topic actually comes up in discussion with my insurance agent who constantly advises me to save more for my future.


Part 1 attempts to uncover definitions, reasons and causes on why we are conflicted, is it right to give up, when we should(alternatively to pull the plug).. from medical and psychiatric points of view.
For most of us, we are able to deal with conflicts and overcome them. Depression is a bi-product if we are not able to solve conflicts. So depression is normal I 'm happy to discover. And depression (Peck describes it like we are in a cage trapped) is apparently useful to us as it helps us grow.
It is interesting to know that conflicts which are inherent in the human condition, are considered psychological pain. These are the simple everyday issues, M S Peck describes these ranging from husband/ wife difficulties, not enough money, job stress, are children  a drag to competitive existence. As long as the world order is not in sync with us (does not conform according to our thinking), we are in conflict. ....  (To continue click on Read more below)

Do Today

If I could be born again, I'd be a bee.

I get to flit between all types of flowers with glee.
What hues and fragrances would colour my view,
I'm assuming, they enjoy it they way we do.


But life's not like that, so we constantly sneer.
A bees' life is so mundane, I hear.
Work so hard, carry the nectar, so keen,
but who gets the credit, but the Queen.


We strive for things and mourn.
never satisfied, for tomorrow we dream,
while time and tide moves on.
Today was the tomorrow, so it seems
Tomorrow will be today, yesterday is no more.
Make today count, and tomorrow will show
the life you want it to be.


(HA - 2009)

Sunday Solitude

If I could chart my moods according to my posts, it would probably read like a roller coaster.
My fears are mostly centred around my kids, for my kids, that life will get better.
My thoughts wander between the mother and the person that I am,
struggling to keep the light on instead of veering into darkness.
Dear God, I wait for you to show me if this is the course to take, a sign.
It's like we have started down a different road but where and when does it end?
Speak louder please, in case I should  miss hearing you, for there's too much noise around me.
Tug my hand harder, for there's so much distraction within.
Help me keep faith, and a clear head, help us find peace, pray for us dear Mother.
St Jude please continue to carry our words and hope Angels always keep near.

Discipline or abuse - frustration with the System

The issue of child/parental discipline appears to be very controversial.

There is no right and no wrong.

The 'Help' System in place does not provide a solution to grey areas - it results at best in vague support and an uncertain outcome.

Clearly Wrong = physical evidence or scars.

Right - nobody knows.

Everything else in between, harassment, mental anguish, verbal abuse, threats, instilling terror ...... is grey and subject to interpretation. The concern is if the children are in mortal danger AND as long as it is no, it becomes grey.

Inspite of the information documented that shows a picture of ongoing child abuse/violence, unless you are a judge or lawyer, counselors are apparently not tasked to affirm anything. They may know it but it is your decision. If you went their seeking affirmation and support to do something to help your children, don't hope to get it if it's more grey than black.

In the end it is you yourself who must press on with it (support from family/friends aware of the situation helps alot) . Each counselor at each stage pushes you on but will not affirm that there is unnatural behaviour. In the final stage another counselor who does not have all the facts cites it's 50:50 suggests an amicable situation to ironically spare the children. And so we are back to square one, where you hope for change but now you have the system helping you push the abuser to do something to help himself.

The good thing about putting yourself through this, is that at the end of this you are much stronger and less afraid.

In a family context, I say it's simple, the line should be be clearly defined and drawn by how the child feels toward the person delivering discipline. Is it fear or terror? Parent or mob leader. Definition should be determined by the consequence of the relationship between the two - child and parent.

Therein lies the problem. What this means is that the child has to be involved in the process for it to be proven. The system discourages it, of course so would any parent. But what is the end result - a hope stage that the abusive party will undergo counseling and change.

So if there is no change on the part of the abuser, the next step will involve the children won't it? Hindsight is now experience. There is no point going through the 'vague' system. Get a mouthpiece (lawyer) who will go through all the facts and interpret it as it should have been in the first place.

Woman

Who are we with such privilege
to be made of petals and emotions.
We shade our selves and image
with colours and warm notions.
We ponder
on pale hues to gaudy design,
from head to toe, to paint and flower,
our desire to shine.
We don't need flowers, but we yearn for them.
Fantasize, yet always in realism.

Love our garments, silks, lace, in a closet too small.
Which do we match, mirror mirror on the wall,
I don't have anything to wear, I declare.
Which to choose, the blue or red I toss,
which accessories and cosmetic, the pinks to browns to gloss.
Frame the eyes with mascara and liner, to shadow smoke or natural?
Our crowning glory be neat or wild, to straighten or to curl?
Finally to match our selves from head to toes,
sandals, pumps, or wobble on stilettos,
we'll bear some pain for fashion;
add that handbag full of secrets we cannot mention.

What myriad choices, entitled and bestowed.
There is beauty within, such affection and powers.
With a gift we are endowed
that choice to birth, it is ours.
This is our station, joy and pain,
the choice of birth is not ours.
We are sunshine, we are rain.

To be love and loved,
to bear our children,
to colour the earth,
to be a woman.

(HA - 2009)

Routines - Living in auto mode

I had (recently) already done my regular supermarketing for the week. On my way home today (a Wednesday) I accompanied my colleague (just for company sake) for a quick stop by the supermarket.

What is it about groceries and me. Is it a home thing or a mom thing? While walking around, I also picked up stuff(sweet corn, yogurt, soup mix) which seemed like good ideas at the time.

When I got home and looked at them, I realised they weren't necessary at all .

It's like my mind auto-detoured into the home zone, the moment I entered the supermarket.

Now that I think about it, there are many things I do in auto mode in the home.

Looks like it's time to break out of routines and fire up a different set of neurons.

This brings to mind an interesting comment made by Thomas Scheff, a Sociology Professor 'Not that all routines are bad. We need routines to live, else we would drown in details. But the question arises, who is master, me or routine?'.

Conscience

Cynical Moments

I constantly advise my kids to be the 'bigger person'. Is this good advice?
It's a war between the 'should' and the 'should not'... keep it under control or get mad don't keep it in; be diplomatic or be honest; give in or get satisfaction. It could mean we lose in the end.

There are times I can't apply the same, when I don't want to be objective, when I don't want to play fair, when I don't want to stay calm.

Letting ones' conscience over-rule you takes something out of one. Is having too much of a conscience a good thing? Is being right and doing right, one and the same or different?

Sometimes I think that conscience makes me weak.

Inner Thoughts: We Don't but We Do

We Don't but we Do
Jodi Picoult wrote this in her book the Tenth circle
'Vengeance was a funny thing, You wanted satisfaction of knowing it had occurred but you never wanted to actually hear the word out loud, because then you'd have to admit to yourself that you'd wanted proof, and that somehow made you baser, less civilized.'
I think this is so true.


From a Distance by Bette Midler (another of my favourites).

Baggage & Travellers

I started to think about the song first and then the passage came into my head. I was thinking about 'baggage' in the figurative sense the kind that weighs a person down mentally. For some reason I linked the two sets of words, 'Pilgrim Song' and a passage from the bible.

'Man is lonely by birth, Man is only a pilgrim on earth
Born to be Free, Time is but a temporary thing
Only on loan while on earth.'
The passage in the bible was about Christ sending his disciples out into the world, he had said 'take no bag for the journey, or extra tunic, or sandals or a staff.. for the worker is worth his keep...And If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.'

Gaia and I had talked about 'baggage' a while back in the comments after a post.

And I'm left with these thoughts ....we are short-haul travellers, yet we obsess over baggage, instead of the journey; travel light, leave behind what cannot be saved and move on.

PS: I wonder if women are entitled to extra baggage allowance up there afterall we're supposed to be the 'emotional' half of the species!

T G I F ... it's been a rough week.

Need help with lines... .

Here are some useful Dilbert's one liners..for good days and bad.
For work, I like no. 10,20, 25, 27.
For managing your own life's expectations keep no 31 in mind, it helps.
(Smiling helps too)

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else.

Football with Grandpa

On Sunday, I went walking with my two sons and grandpa came along. We walked for about half and hour and stopped by the park. The boys had brought their ball with them and so they started to play football.

What got to me was that grandpa who is in his mid-seventies decided to join them. My dad exercises regularly so I think he might be fitter than me anyway. Grandpa had moves to show his grandsons who have not had too much practise had this.
It was for that moment of time that I wished I could freeze and re-play over and over and just hold on to that feeling that wrapped around me. It was a happy playful half hour in the park, the three of them laughing and just having fun.

I have this thought(I won't say what), I think about it often.
My dad is a great person and a wonderful grandfather and I hope I have him for many more good years.

The Saturday Evening Blog Post

Check this out, a great meeting place idea from Elizabeth Esther, for bloggers to share any of our favourite posts. Submit your best post for the month of August.

The Saturday Evening Blog Post (follow this link for instructions).

I submitted my post on

Need to Have, Nice to Have, Must Have , one of many reminders that we're only human, that sometimes we should not give in to excess and sometimes it's ok to keep life interesting.

Let's Talk about Love

Here's one of my few favourite artistes .. Celine Dion singing one of my forever favourite songs for all you lovely people out there....enjoy.

Moments to Sing

The toys, it's sad, have seen little light,
so infrequently used.
Radio or TV is not blasting today,
as if calm and quiet have fused.
I hear my child,
he is humming while playing with his jigsaw,
To hear such carefree, the tranquil, it touches my core.

I weep for lost time
when madness rules with noise and might.
Always inside, better to be out of sight.
Courage, come out, come out.
O loving Greatness
lead us by little steps out of anger and sadness.

My spirit soars to see the boys playing,
the little one humming.
My heart for a while, is singing.

(HA - Sep 2009)

The Sound of Music (Version 2009)

It's been a long day at work (everything is a priority). But I always enjoy the blogs to unwind.

I want to let you in on this little diversion in my life right now. It's about good neighbourliness and wonderful music.

The New Neighbour
We have a new neighbour. They are a young family, and moved in, a couple of months ago. There are 2 young children and a dog(terrier of sorts) too. The youngest is a girl just slightly over a year old.

The House
Their home is one of those rebuilt homes which is narrow but built upwards of two and a half storeys. There is a side yard between our two houses and our bedrooms are aligned on the side next to this neighbour..

The Child
Since they moved in, we have had quite a 'few' days and early mornings disturbed.
The young girl for some reason cries a lot and at all hours and mother lets her cry on. Because of the structure of the house, the cry carries through like an echo and is much louder. Unfortunately our bedroom windows open out to that side of the house.

The Music
When the little girl starts her wail, the little dog begins to howl( a mid-pitch soulful sound). And then just when he takes a breath, the big dog that lives in the house behind them begins to bark his part. And this wondrous acapella goes on and on until the child stops. The little terrier always has the last note.

Us
We meet over the fence or at the gate once in a while. There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with the little girl, just like playful older sister, dad appears apologetic half the time and mum is always silent.
The little mutt (terrier) he appears normal too. Did I mention our bedrooms are on that side of the house ?

Mind you, we never complained. Now we just wait for little girl to grow up and contemplate the sound of music. {or they could move away ... fie fie away with you evil thoughts !..}

And the moral of this story is ..(I have no idea)...

Addendum 4/9 : figured out the moral here.. look at the brighter side, it could have been worse, now that I recall there used to be a neighbour beside the house with the big dog - and they housed a couple of squaking, screeching birds. Imagine, I could have had the full ensemble ( 4 parts).