It Must Be Wonderful

I wrote this post in August but I have decided to resurrect it because I keep reading so many blogs  that have been  talking about the onset of autumn in the US and some more recent .. marvelling at nature's beauty in change.

I live without seasons. It’s either the rainy season or the hot season, which these days are mixed up due to global warming.
I can only imagine how beautiful it is during the other times of the year when it’s not summer.
Four times a year, there’s beautiful change to look forward to.
I can’t imagine what it’s like to be able to anticipate each season as it comes, to be able to see the changes in the sky, the trees, the slow transition of colours, to smell the changes in the air, the start of snow, when it melts, your home in a white landscape and feel the temperature change.

It must be wonderful.

Looking inwards to solve conflict with a working colleague

Conflict with another human being can eat away at a person and is truly a total waste of energy..if it can't be overcome outwardly , the solution lies with ourselves.
My problem 

I have been facing on-going frustration at work with a colleague.

I have this frequent urge to say to this person “I told you so", it just sticks in my craw, again and again and after more than 20 different projects, she still does not get it – that she’s not doing it correctly.

There’s a certain satisfaction in being right . We are vindicated, we can gloat. After all I did do my part to advise and yet she refused to listen.  And so I am glad it turned out the way I predicted it would  (..evil has been collecting his points).
It's not arrogance or opinion on my part,   it's about professional practices. Regardless the end-result speak for themselves - there have been no project wins.  More frustrating, she does not learn from previous experience.

My response of late (tired of sparring with her):  
I start to resist working with her, and I think there is no point putting my all into a project with her at the helm. But that would of course compound the end result.  I have stopped giving my points of view. What do I do? I’m just an employee.  It is wearing me down.
My conscience:  
You can't ignore conscience when it knocks.  At work it is easy to justify taking the opposite route. I don’t want to gloat or be superior, honestly don't want to 'b...'  about  it either,  it's not about recognition or being idealist.  On a personal level this person is alright, little pushy but bearable.  But because co-projects are frequent, I begin to distance myself from her personally.  How do I get past it ?  I don't see a solution, so I have to learn to accept it.  Something has to give, it's me.  Management does not do their part  (I'm not into back-stabbing).
Me now:  
It's been 2 years already, and I think I am beginning to  - not let it bother me;  do my part still and not expect more from this colleague, in other words tampered my expectations in order to avoid further inner conflict. 
(a lesson to store)

Living and Dying Well - M Scott Peck

Part 2-3 of Denial of the Soul

Dr Peck's theological and religious leaning comes through quite strongly in his advise on how we should approach death. It is as if he too was searching for a way to the ultimate stage of acceptance.
The second half of the book draws a parallel between living and dying and Dr Peck discusses what it means to do both well and in communion with God or one's deepest self (soul) for secularists. There are stages that we go through in any situation of trouble or crisis and it applies to dying too.  (Kubler-Ross stages of learning)
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Dr Peck puts forth that human beings are meant to continue learning and developing, most often we stop learning because we do not get pass the denial stage. The soul he believes, is not created to stagnate 'why would God not only create us but continue to nurture us unless we were developable. Unless God desired our development, our learning?' This he feels is the meaning of life.

Dying gives us the opportunity for learning and soul development. By opting for Euthanasia however we are denying the meaning of human existence and attempting to 'escape the reason for our being', 'it shortchanges ourselves.'  In his experience with dying individuals, the final stage of Acceptance appears to lead one to an ethereal awareness of self,  they seem to emanate 'light that embraces their company', no sadness is experienced.
When we are depressed, the healing of depression requires that there be (existential)l suffering. When we seek out answers to our troubled feelings, we come out on the other side with learning and wisdom on a higher plane. Interestingly he says sometimes the solution could mean there is no solution, we accept that and move on.  Dr Peck describes that to arrive at enlightenment we need to recognise our shortcomings and give up 'things of the ego' - arrogance, excessive competitiveness, need for self-esteem, righteousness etc. We need to identify it and realise we 'can give it up' and do it.  It is about making a choice to continue learning, to develop the inner being and thus we should continue to live until we cannot.

Death of the ego or letting go can be painful. Dr Peck likens these episodes of working at depression to 'little deaths'. One of these characteristics is the 'need to be in control'. Certain forms of Euthanasia or assisted suicides is motivated by this need to control our exit from life.  But Dr Peck maintains that it is not up to us to decide when. In such cases that need (ego), means forgoing cooperation with the Creator and forgoing the ultimate enlightenment of 'emptying ourselves'.  The relief of suffering at the expense of hastening death is acceptable as opposed to shortening life to avoid facing death. Extreme pain and suffering without viable relief is the influencing factor and timing is not of our choosing.
In the final part of the book part 3, Dr Peck discusses different ways to handle terminal illness, their aftercare and suggests methods and counseling for individual medical contexts and also proposes pastoral advisors for meeting the needs of the soul.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
I believe there is a close parallel in religious writings that many of us can identify with - 'to die in order to live'.

I am finished with the book but not really done with it (if you know what I mean).

When I Become Me

We are tiny specks in this vast universe
from somewhere in that space we began.
How did we come to be unique and diverse,
is it the essence or matter that makes us man.
We are human and humane we are to be.
Each of us made from one special mold,
yet when we come to be there is nothing but cells to see,
is it the soul that finds a life or the life that finds a soul.

I am much more than the physical.
To fulfill a destiny that seems inconsequential.
But why me, for what purpose, did he create.
The path we walk is never smooth or straight,
distractedly we plod through detours, the heart engages
the essence of me; more is my lot.
But One who is greater enlightens our searches
with a flame for man who cannot.
To journey with wisdom
from earth to that kingdom,
what special gifts in our depths we hold,
it is worth much more than gold.
Open the eyes and see, it's not too late, 
look again the road is straight.

(HA 2009)

Crosses in Different Sizes

All of us have different problems and troubles and until we come across others who seem to have a lot to deal with, we then re-look at ourselves in retrospect.   Janice is one such blogger and there are many more such individuals. I'm not writing this out of pity, but empathy.
My troubles can consume me for a whole day but yet I still have room to bounce back on the good present in my life.
Janices' story is really heartbreaking, there are elements in her life I can identify with, but they count as a fraction;  for me they are relatively recent (16 yrs) but her story begins way back from her childhood.
The fact that Janice blogs in spite of her hardship, despair and is able to carry on is really amazing. There's courage and a strong spirit to survive all ills.
Please add Janice to your prayers for a less weary life and a happier Now.

(click on Janice or the Rose for the link T Y)

Life's like That

Over the past weeks, I have been attempting to watch (observe) things as they unfold as opposed to letting things whiz by. I do see that the world is not actually roaring past us, I see it unrolling. You see more, hear more of life around you . And interestingly ‘time’ itself feels like it moves differently, somehow slower, although in actual when I look at my watch it has moved faster. I have been ‘observing’ the interaction of the kids and I keep learning new things (eventhough they have me climbing the walls sometimes).

Just when I think I’m getting the hang of it, ‘madness’ unfortunately (that all-consuming necessity that most of us are occupied with from 9-6 everyday) intervenes, puts me back on that fast track. In the industry I’m in, it’s impossible to have a controlled consistent workflow. When clients jump, we jump too and when they’re totally disorganized we have to clear the path , fight through the chaos to meet deadlines.
It’s easy to think I should or can control that but some motions are just easier to be carried away with, so that the job can be expedited, it’s a necessity.

And then I return to the life outside of that, that matters and try to catch the old rhythm again. I guess I have to wait for work to return to normal again.
That’s just the way life is.

The Smell of Rain

Last Monday, we decided we were going to walk the perimeter of the estate. But alas, that little grey cloud that did not look at all threatening, decided we should not take that walk.
Half way up the road, the drops started, my kids and I, we looked at each other and sighed.
They were on wheels so they rushed back. I was on foot but I decided not to rush.
What's a little wet, most of all I wanted to smell the rain.
From my earliest years, this is one of the moments I  replay in my head, I have always enjoyed the smell of rain.  I look up into the endless sky like I did since the land before time, but still 'I cannot see where the rain starts from'.

Sometimes before it reaches us, I can get the scent of it and look forward to its' arrival.
It brings to mind memories of playing carefree in the garden, the field, of netball days, watching the rain from my childhood home window, images of wet green leaves fluttering from the drops.
I can't really pinpoint what it does for my senses - the clean air or the cleaning process, the grey sky,  the torrential sound and then the stillness after the rain.
Perhaps it's the nostalgia that connects it; after all rain has been a constant throughout my life.

Routines - Living in auto mode

I had (recently) already done my regular supermarketing for the week. On my way home today (a Wednesday) I accompanied my colleague (just for company sake) for a quick stop by the supermarket.

What is it about groceries and me. Is it a home thing or a mom thing? While walking around, I also picked up stuff(sweet corn, yogurt, soup mix) which seemed like good ideas at the time.

When I got home and looked at them, I realised they weren't necessary at all .

It's like my mind auto-detoured into the home zone, the moment I entered the supermarket.

Now that I think about it, there are many things I do in auto mode in the home.

Looks like it's time to break out of routines and fire up a different set of neurons.

This brings to mind an interesting comment made by Thomas Scheff, a Sociology Professor 'Not that all routines are bad. We need routines to live, else we would drown in details. But the question arises, who is master, me or routine?'.

Inner Thoughts: We Don't but We Do

We Don't but we Do
Jodi Picoult wrote this in her book the Tenth circle
'Vengeance was a funny thing, You wanted satisfaction of knowing it had occurred but you never wanted to actually hear the word out loud, because then you'd have to admit to yourself that you'd wanted proof, and that somehow made you baser, less civilized.'
I think this is so true.


From a Distance by Bette Midler (another of my favourites).

Baggage & Travellers

I started to think about the song first and then the passage came into my head. I was thinking about 'baggage' in the figurative sense the kind that weighs a person down mentally. For some reason I linked the two sets of words, 'Pilgrim Song' and a passage from the bible.

'Man is lonely by birth, Man is only a pilgrim on earth
Born to be Free, Time is but a temporary thing
Only on loan while on earth.'
The passage in the bible was about Christ sending his disciples out into the world, he had said 'take no bag for the journey, or extra tunic, or sandals or a staff.. for the worker is worth his keep...And If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.'

Gaia and I had talked about 'baggage' a while back in the comments after a post.

And I'm left with these thoughts ....we are short-haul travellers, yet we obsess over baggage, instead of the journey; travel light, leave behind what cannot be saved and move on.

PS: I wonder if women are entitled to extra baggage allowance up there afterall we're supposed to be the 'emotional' half of the species!

Moments to Sing

The toys, it's sad, have seen little light,
so infrequently used.
Radio or TV is not blasting today,
as if calm and quiet have fused.
I hear my child,
he is humming while playing with his jigsaw,
To hear such carefree, the tranquil, it touches my core.

I weep for lost time
when madness rules with noise and might.
Always inside, better to be out of sight.
Courage, come out, come out.
O loving Greatness
lead us by little steps out of anger and sadness.

My spirit soars to see the boys playing,
the little one humming.
My heart for a while, is singing.

(HA - Sep 2009)

The Sound of Music (Version 2009)

It's been a long day at work (everything is a priority). But I always enjoy the blogs to unwind.

I want to let you in on this little diversion in my life right now. It's about good neighbourliness and wonderful music.

The New Neighbour
We have a new neighbour. They are a young family, and moved in, a couple of months ago. There are 2 young children and a dog(terrier of sorts) too. The youngest is a girl just slightly over a year old.

The House
Their home is one of those rebuilt homes which is narrow but built upwards of two and a half storeys. There is a side yard between our two houses and our bedrooms are aligned on the side next to this neighbour..

The Child
Since they moved in, we have had quite a 'few' days and early mornings disturbed.
The young girl for some reason cries a lot and at all hours and mother lets her cry on. Because of the structure of the house, the cry carries through like an echo and is much louder. Unfortunately our bedroom windows open out to that side of the house.

The Music
When the little girl starts her wail, the little dog begins to howl( a mid-pitch soulful sound). And then just when he takes a breath, the big dog that lives in the house behind them begins to bark his part. And this wondrous acapella goes on and on until the child stops. The little terrier always has the last note.

Us
We meet over the fence or at the gate once in a while. There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with the little girl, just like playful older sister, dad appears apologetic half the time and mum is always silent.
The little mutt (terrier) he appears normal too. Did I mention our bedrooms are on that side of the house ?

Mind you, we never complained. Now we just wait for little girl to grow up and contemplate the sound of music. {or they could move away ... fie fie away with you evil thoughts !..}

And the moral of this story is ..(I have no idea)...

Addendum 4/9 : figured out the moral here.. look at the brighter side, it could have been worse, now that I recall there used to be a neighbour beside the house with the big dog - and they housed a couple of squaking, screeching birds. Imagine, I could have had the full ensemble ( 4 parts).

My Journey

There are days, to work extra hard to keep my spirits up.
Only I can see and hear my children,
something must be up.
Ignorance is out of the question,
Ignorance cannot bring bliss,
for when they are silent, something must be amiss.

There are days, like a boat in the ocean,
up and down, this way and that, any turn.
Like a stock market graph
my spirit and mind follows.
My mind’s eye sees, and knows
where the waters are rough.
Stay the course it's within my control,
for my children, I must keep a hold,
they are my hearts and my balm,
humour, tolerance and prayer, keep me calm.

I strive for balance, and objectivity
hope for patience and sensitivity.
There is a disturbance in their earth,
but we are still finding our way to a berth.

Where is that silver lining?
We have been patient.
Peace will come, I keep singing.
There are days when I feel ancient.

(HA – Aug 2009)

Laugh at Yourself

Out of the blue, I thought to myself today that I should teach my children to laugh at themselves. I think that in itself does wonders for character. It would actually help them be more accepting of imperfections, reduce preoccupation with self and negate pride.
I do and it helps.

When we begin to take our failures non-seriously, it means we are ceasing to be afraid of them. It is of immense importance to learn to laugh at ourselves - Katherine Mansfield

Laughter is a holy thing. It is as sacred as music and silence and solemnity, maybe more sacred. Laughter is like a prayer, like a bridge over which creatures tiptoe to meet each other. Laughter is like mercy; it heals. When you can laugh at yourself, you are free -Ted Loder

Is it true the good die young?

My child was sick recently and with the recent H1N1 taking a toll, it worried me and started me along the road of maudlin thoughts and fears.

I knew 3 persons who had died around the age of 50. These persons were good people for various reasons – their attitudes to friends, colleagues and family. Why does God do that, especially when some of them had young children who would miss them terribly.
But when I look closer at each of these individuals, I realize they each had a greater depth to their inner being.

One lived quite selflessly first for his 5 younger siblings, he became a ‘mum’ of sorts when she died early; and then he lived selflessly for his 3 kids, keeping his troubles to himself always making others laugh. He died of a sudden heart failure (without prior illness) but he managed to speak to his wife in the last few minutes before he passed.
Another, was an uncle who prayed fervently, was active in church (like he was searching for something) and yet I knew even though he had a wife and child - was not happy. Yet he too showed us a happy face. The third was a colleague who was a very creative soul but had a little darkness to her character, which she displayed through dressing like Leticia (Adam’s family mother, always wore black lipstick) and was quite insightful in conversations with people around her. And she too was always smiling, joking, no matter how tough the work day was, never a melancholy sort in front of others.
If MJ’s death had not been how we know it now, he too would have fallen into this category, we know he was a persecuted soul yet he too had a different face for the world.

Is it that the heart gives out or the soul that has had enough or that Greater Goodness who decides that they have reached their limit of their human essence ? Someone once said they believed that some souls are temporary, are only on this earth to fulfill a higher purpose – to affect the lives of others.
How does one explain the passing of a young child. Why does God do that to mothers?

My 'hyper' child Story

My youngest is hyper. Constantly moving, even when he's standing still, he's literally 'dancing' on the spot. Ever so often we wonder how to run down the batteries. They’re way better than Energizers. They’re way too long lasting and don’t seem to need recharging. He falls asleep later than when he gets into bed. What keeps him going, It’s not sugar that’s for sure, he never ever tires.

My theory is that his constant movement keeps him recharged like a dynamo. You know why, because when he’s punished and made to sit still or stand still, he can actually fall asleep there on the spot .. quite amazing ..and that’s because like the dynamo, he’s not able to charge !

He loves cars. At the age of four, he discovered the wonder of a book. The book was the steering wheel of his imaginary car. (I suppose one has to begin somehow!) He would use any book, hold it in his two little hands like a steering wheel and ‘drive’ around the house with appropriate sound effects of course. Apparently he behaved in true form at the kindergarten too . The pre-school teacher complained to me that at reading time he had all the kids following his example. Of course I’d have a chat with him I said, but secretly I thought, that must have been an amusing sight to see... traffic jam in the nursery class.

Anyway 4 years later I’m glad to say, he’s getting into the hang of actually reading books on his own without me having to drive him to it (no pun of course)..

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Forgive & Forget; a child's right to anger?

Good age-old wisdom says - Forgive and Forget. The consequence is release, relief and peace.

Is it wrong if I can't forget even though I forgive.
Is it wrong if I can't forgive but forget mostly and just once in a while I remember.
Sometimes we preach what we ourselves find hard to practise. We're not saints, takes a while but we probably are able to in the long run - forgive but not really forget.

Children do not have this concept of forgive and forget. They just forget mostly and the wrong-doer rarely remembers the wrong to bother his conscience. And if they do suffer from anothers' actions, it's not about forgiving but just moving on whether they get an apology or not. Their experiences with wrong and right are (supposedly mostly) simpler.

While this piece of wisdom is meant to help unload baggage, we (adults) use it in another way too, though we may not realise it. To us, this right to withhold forgiveness is like our special power; it somehow gives us a vindictive hold over the person who has hurt us (it'll be on his conscience); it acts as a sort of coping mechanism for our anger in the short run (it helps us control the need to lash out). We rationalise it. In the long run it becomes baggage.

But what of a child - who is not capable of this rationale nor grasp the concepts of forgiveness or conscience or guilt, what does he do when he is so troubled by someone and not able to forget or move on? Either lash out at the one who hurt them or at the ones around them.
It's quite difficult to explain to them about forgiveness - seems incomprehensible, illogical. So how do we help them cope? Adults can handle some baggage, but I don't think a child should have any. If they cannot confront the wrong-doer, the only solution seems to be let them lash out and then address the actions or comments as they unfold.

My earlier post Emotions on the subject was about similar questions, I think the question buzzing in my head is, how to teach a child not to hate (even if he's justified).

Family - the Most Beautiful Tree you can have but the Hardest Seed to Grow.

There’s a concern that there are not enough marriages and not enough children being produced. The government produced commercials for the awareness of family (touching on the filial issue, companionship). Are the people that produced the campaign shining examples, how many children do they have ?.
You have to walk the talk on this topic, to be able to genuinely communicate this.
Will incentives produce the right fruit? What do the campaigns do? It is not a new concept, it‘s not a travel destination – it s a lifetime commitment..

There’s lots of talk of work-life balance (plus family) but is there action? Who is expected to act? The mother, the father, the gov’t or the employer? 10 days leave, exams, CA. well, there’s only 24 hours in a day, and even if we don’t need sleep, the kids need at least 10 hours.. Talk is cheap, living is costly (unless you’re willing to forgo some of the ‘living’ .. now there’s the irony ). Quality ? Let’s not go there.

There’s much more to ‘living’ today than yesterday and that is likely the main issue.
Cost of living today is not equal to yesteryears.
Young people want to live well and enjoy life. What does having a family entail giving up ? – A lot. Teaching them not be selfish is one thing, but teaching selflessness, that’s another thing that today’s distracting world makes more difficult.

Is there quality family time to savour today? The perceived future of young persons will mirror their past and will be summed up in order of proportion as labour, cost, entertainment/leisure and a small portion to whatever- is- family.
Examples, experiences and expectations of modern society and family provide other hindrances to both young men and women alike.
{The father owns the ‘family’ car, his time is more his own; a mother does not seem to have that ‘luxury’. Dad works so hard, doesn’t get to enjoy much?] It doesn’t help to hear their parents explain limitations due to financial obligations and sacrifices.

You can tell by rising teenage and unwanted pregnancies; stories of family basics(issue of filial piety) gone wrong that family commitment even for todays’ 2nd generation parent is a challenge. Of course, there is the root of evils - money, be it cause or consequence.
You could turn it into a religious or moral issue here – purpose of life, vocation , higher calling etc.
We know it’s tough, are they capable of what’s required. It’s not about planning and plotting.

Wanting a family involves selflessness, it is about desire for constant companionship, a home and a desire for children. It’s about feeling whole. How do you force warmth or love?
Possibly most can understand this, but then having a family is a big question of readiness.

Sure, you can help the process of meeting for those who desire that path in life. But pushing for kids is an entirely different matter.

The ideal campaign ground is within the family of today.
So aptly put by the Minister – you ‘can’t legislate love’.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

I Finally Learnt To Swim

Wanting to swim was one of the few things I had dreamt about being able to do for a long, long time. I wasn't lucky enough to learn while growing up. I had attempted to learn with a friend of mine like 20 years back but both of us did not manage to learn and sort of gave up and thought probably impossible...
As a working mom, I tend to prioritize time to everything and everyone else before my wants or needs and that too provides an excuse to procrastinate.

An opportunity came again with a bigger group about 9 yrs ago (someone had introduced a swimming instructor), but I was expecting my third child then, so I had an excuse not to. There were about 6 colleagues who undertook lessons. What amazed me soon after, was that within like 6-7 lessons they were all able to swim and even tread water.
I thought to myself I could have been one of them. I was green with envy and regret.

But then a 3rd opportunity presented itself (the charm as they say), well I had more excuses - 3 kids, less time even. I remembered the earlier bunch. I decided if the earlier lot could it, I could do it too - just make the effort (it’s just 1 night a week for a few weeks, do it for myself).

Finally about 7 years ago, I learnt to swim (really swim!) and tread water. That was a major feat for me.

I need to remind myself constantly that time moves forward, do what you can today, don’t procrastinate. You will be glad for it when tomorrow comes.

I thank God too, the opportunity came looking for me, cos I would not have gone looking for it. Yes, I could have learnt sooner.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Education System

Some of you know or may have heard about our education system. Requires lots of discipline and is stressful on both parents and child. And this is compounded by the ‘kiasu’ syndrome – everyone sends their kids for additional tuition (those who can’t afford it send them to the various community support groups) .

Locals with kids have migrated because of it, but there are foreigners sending their kids here for it. When I speak to my cousins in Australia, schooling seems like such a breeze for the kids.

There are pros and cons to the system. Leaders at the top are attempting to change it to suit a changing world and supposedly reduce the stress. But I’m not sure if it’s the changing world they should be adapting to or the changing child who is still local. Less rote more creativity, I think that’s the current aim.

Bear in mind that while local parenting styles have changed, to what degree is it widespread, to what degree has it evolved? There is an openness and exchange; kids are exposed to more worldly entertainment and information. But our society mix is pretty diverse. Yes there is a large middle class. Soon there will be a large emigrant class too. Is the child prepared for the new style in school or is it imposed on them because it is assumed they have been exposed to think differently in the home?

The current system appears to be an attempt to have their cake and eat it. The old system had its merits, apparent through some international competitions. It's still a pressure cooker.
There appears to be more information in the syllabus and along with that learning, the child must be able to think application. Previous system adhered to steps, but the current system appears to skip rudiment steps (specific rudiment teaching is missing or has that been classified as rote) and mesh them into the next step (application). Problem sums are so enhanced in the delivery that even adults need to read it more than once. Is it hurried along to meet the additional requirements of the syllabus within the school year. Add to that, let’s not forget between institutions too, there is the ranking system and within schools there is performance pressure. Who’s stressed – everybody.

I started out wanting to talk about keeping my patience while helping my son with his maths homework and in the end I deviated. The reason for holding on to my patience is because the teaching method had not segregated the basic properties(angles on parallel lines) for my son, to learn first and understand. Instead he had gone directly into problem solving and those ‘properties’ are submerged and not apparent to him. I kept asking what are the properties he learnt and he looked at me as if I spoke an alien lingo. This is only one example where basics seem to have been skipped and merged into step 2.
I‘m sure you local parents have similar horror stories about problem sums, but I shall not get into it further.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always