Sep 28, 2011

Wednesday Solitude: Working on defects

There were two reflections that stayed stuck to me this past week and seemed to follow me, entering my mind at the oddest times and places.
I have been worrying additionally as events are coming to a head soon, I suppose one leads to the other....

1. A reflection from the 25th week Friday encourages us to be more present, to make good use of the time that is now and not think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow. Essentially offer only the present moment to God and fill it with your worth.

Mat 6:34 "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day"
Ecc 11:4 "He who observes the wind will not sow; and he who regards the clouds will not reap"

2. In a reflection of 26th week Tuesday reading,  I am reminded of CS Lewis's Screwtape's letters, in that our defects are our weakest points through which temptation enters. 
The apostles themselves I am reminded were not perfect and Christ was patient and taught them. I am encouraged.
 
Somewhere in the reflection it goes "progress in our life of piety depends a good deal on our recognition and understanding of our dominant defect.  This is the defect which has the biggest influence on our behaviour and thinking."

So it's not the same for you and me, I will have to find my own path to holiness by working on that defect and strengthening the interior life.

Sep 26, 2011

Is the World spinning faster ?

Where did the time go? In a blink, I can't believe it. 
Only a quarter of the year to go, September is soon ending. 
While I walked was I unconscious
through months, days, hours, only to realize I'm here now. 
I still recall the beginning of the year
thinking 'it's going to be a long year' 
and yet here I am now. 
Work and kids are consuming but Troubles are too, 
that's where Time went flying, into a black hole of distraction. 
Can I slow it down? 
But then it has not been a good year, so let it fly, next year will be better. 
I'll have to attempt to be more present. 
When I think back, read what is written, lived through, had created along that way, 
I am quite glad; there are fruits and flowers, it's not all barren or sad. 
There are footprints too, not mine alone.
Where did time go?

Sep 20, 2011

Wrestling with deeper thoughts



Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.   - Saint Francis de Sales
Off and on I think..... what did I do to deserve this kind of torment.  How naive I was to have married such a monster and lived with him for so many years. Was I that wrapped up in work? Did I so successfully ignore the harsh reality that I survived it all this while and continued to do just that 'survive' instead of being  'alive'.
The wake up call to 'un-zombify' came in two hard knocks (think this is what they mean by God shaking the earth under you). One was my retrenchment from an all absorbing job and the other was the increased sociopathic behaviour of the ex. There was an increasing obsession with 'discipline' and a corresponding suffering of the kids which my senses began to grow increasingly troubled with. Did one lead to the other or did my change of situation lead to the blunt awareness.

... this keeps on circling in my thoughts...
I have never thought of myself as a perfect mother, and being a working one perhaps that had been my crutch. I have never been in the position to not have to work, and so now and then I have these feelings of regret and wish I could go back in time to capture more memories with my kids.

The kids have more because of it on one hand but less of me in other ways. It is my loss.
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation  I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....

I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path, they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.

Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum of who I am now is the result of where I have been.  And so I am more able to take on and cope with what is happening now.

feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....

It bugs me that I cannot carry all their burdens,  I can try to anticipate to lighten it.

I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.
Is it because I am a mother that I demand more of myself or is it just me demanding more of me?

What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?



Sep 14, 2011

Chimes in children's voices

It's Sunday, and I usually take the dog for a walk in the evening and sit in the playground for a while, usually an hour before sunset.  In the past months I have noticed, there are more young children, and from a number of nationalities. It's like a junior UN.

I enjoy this moment when I have it.

It's quite something to watch them interact. They may be strangers initially for about three minutes, but soon they are bosom buddies, screaming, yelling playing catch or hide and seek and chasing each other all over the park. They play together, falling in so easily,  no matter the age difference or skin colour or their accents; the more the merrier. Unspoken rules yet they understand the child's world of play.

As I sit there listening, I find myself undisturbed and sooth; there is a sweetness in the voices, a freedom, ..not a care.I'm lulled into this nether world of innocence for a little while as I rest on a park bench amid plants and trees, lulled by voices like gentle chimes.

I wonder, is this  an example of what Ericc Fromm tried to describe as the 'Shabbat institution' ( a Sunday rest).."rest in the sense of the re-establishment of complete harmony between human beings and between them and nature."

Sep 10, 2011

Managing tension? Add Faith...

‘Hypertension’ the moment the doctor mentioned that my BP was approaching that level it has kept me thinking.  Am I in a state of distress ?. Am I putting myself there?. I have always considered myself calm and patient and yet perhaps it’s being eroded by all the negative things going on in my life for the past year. I just realized it has been a year, since the actual proceedings began.

I’ve moved from acceptance to elation to worry.
Acceptance because I can finally get on with living and not the hollow shell I have been for so long, acceptance because this is where my prayers have led me and this must be the step, the only solution which I am grateful has been taken out of my hands.
Elation because of the liberation from the abusive environment and the hell of my ex’s ill-foreboding ever-presence. Worry over the mischief the ex is

Sep 5, 2011

Life - like a carnival


Stepping into colours and sights,
sounds, smells, noise and wild movement.
Exhilaration and excitement unfurls, 
where to begin, what to try, which to sample.
Slowly the atmosphere soaks in, we warm up,
the game stalls beckon,
look at those soft toys, a sigh, not easy,  we move on.
Check out the carousel, how many rides,
just get on, let's not get off at all,
round and round,  easy and breezy, 
round and round, up and down,
Are we free, feels whimsical, 
can we toss the worries,
can I stay forever on my white horse.
Cotton candy puffs and popcorn smells, let’s get some.
We’re done,  it’s time to get the heart pumping.
Do we ride the roller coaster or the magic carpet?
Upside down or a real fast drop, what a choice, both or one.
We scream at the top of our lungs, breathing hard,
gripping the sides, knuckles straining out.
One more time, now with eyes open
we do it again, the speed demon takes over.
More exhilarated, eyes bright, minds giddy,
we rush on to the magic carpet.
Heart and stomach lost in transit, shot straight down, 
we come out and down, happily dazed.
Looking up, there looms ahead a glittering Ferris wheel.
Slowly and steadily, it seems to call. 
Let’s get to the top of the world. 
Will we ever get there? 
Another round, another shot at the top.
Slow and steady, in and out, we breathe in the clear air,
as we make our way.
Finally,  we are back down to earth, 
and it’s time to take leave.
Goodnight to lights, noise, smells and sights.
We're done now,
childhood, to youth, to grey.

(HA-8/11)

Sep 1, 2011

250th Post

250 posts and crawling.. ... I celebrated 150 posts in October last year, somewhere along the way I hit 200 and didn't celebrate.

I'm still writing, and I am glad. It's been a trouble-filled first half of year for me and a trying one for the kids. My hobby time is seriously compromised and I'm aching to get back to it. But the kids and this drama are taking a toll.

Writing helps, taking my mind off and into other modes of thoughts helps to keep some form of balance ...to be objective and think about what is important. I have been going back over some of what I have written and there are many reminders and lessons that show that time heals different wounds.
In many of them, I  seem to be talking to me!

I think a good posting average would be 1 a week, if I can keep up that is. I started in June 2009, so I think I'm doing OK.
http://mothersalways.blogspot.com/2010/03/stand-tall.html


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