Perfect Existence

What is the perfect life, 

the 'ever after' of a fairy tale? 

No pain, no strife, 

no sweat, no ail. 

What to do with all that happiness, 

but to seek more not less, 

adventure in the silly 

to weather reality.
Are we ever satisfied? 

With eyes opened, look outside. 

So much need, venture into the reality. 

Poverty and loneliness, it's rampant. 

Reach out, step up, you will see.

Plant a seed, make something happen. 

Dwell not that life can be better, 

but that our existence will matter.

(HA - 2009)

Growing old in silence....

Grow old gracefully? How do we do that if it's not within our control?

Depression takes a few forms, I'm seeing it in those around me.
Is it a mental condition or is it about self-awareness ? Seems like getting stuck in a history cycle that plays only the negative memories and pulls one into a pessimistic stupor. Why can't one get stuck in a happy cycle, a positive one.. that doesn't pull everyone down with them.

There are times when I feel I might be depressed, only it seems like a pity party to me.
Loneliness ... no.
Being alone , I think that 's more like, what it's about.

Your friends are not always there for you, kids have their own lives. Timing may not be so convenient.

It's more about not having a companion to do nothing with and to share the silence with you. Someone to rouse you out of your lethargy and make you walk and talk.
Sometimes, I think that's what it is.

Going back in time, just to spend more time with my kids

This evening I am thinking about it again.

I don't regret my marriage, because I don't regret having my kids. Unfortunately because of that life I realize I was not able to spend enough time with them as they grew up. I would say I am most unfortunate in that.

My ex was fortunate and yet it seems he lost himself a long time ago. I remember wishing to take a break often because of the stress of the job ...if only he had a stable income, if only he was stable. He was always after the next opportunity to make a fast buck, always taking a gamble ... a risk.. so I plodded on, continuing to do what I had to, I was good at it but it was stressful.
It was and is the nature of the job, the industry.
You never catch up with your deadlines, you just try to hold on to time as long as you can to complete, to refine, projects just pile, and I am always, always running after a moving train, never catching up.

The time is gone, my kids are at the age where friends are more entertaining. Now as I look at the photographs of my kids I am thinking how much have I missed out, on memories and moments and get angry at this man for what he was and was not, and probably could not be. Hindsight as they say ....
That time is lost.
I have them now and yet.

I am still at it today, and I am thinking it's time for change.
I'm figuring out my finances, can I afford a less stressful job that pays less.and consumes less of my waking mind.

My ex is gone, what does that make me in the eyes of the church

Ever since the divorce I have had this unclear place in the church.
I felt like I was one part outcast and one part catholic.
When I first mentioned it, I said we are permanently separated since there is no such thing as divorce  in the church. I don't think I was wrong, yet this priest I said it too did not take it any further.

Whether or not, I initiated it made no difference.

The faith I have with Christ and God is strong and prevails, I suppose I placed too much on what a priest says or what they did not say.

It seems now it is clear. 'Til death do us part' and so I am officially a 'widow' then. In secular life I am not. But faith does not allow me to separate the two.

I can feel no grief just a deep sadness for my children and my past that led them to be.  God have mercy on his soul.

In a way I am freed in more ways than one.
I realized that I lived in state of fear (at the back of my mind) that there would be 'going back to court'for some thing or other even after years .because of what he used to do.... and so I just kept everything in the form of paperwork and new paperwork to keep as support cos I might need it some day.
Ridiculous right.

I started to throw out a lot of the old papers and it was freeing and lightening.

Rings, a link to the past. Being sentimental.

Recently I managed to remove both my rings from my hands. I had never removed them since I got engaged, then married, had 3 kids and my fingers just grew with them stuck on. I went through a couple of stays in the hospital where the doctors and nurses gave up on attempts to remove them as they just could not come off.
For so long, I kept wondering how I could remove them (for fear that the skin beneath was unhealthy) until a simple solution presented itself as in metal cutters. Finally I'm free of  my engagement and wedding bands.

My mum thinks I should just trade it in for new pieces. But they have sentimental value to me in spite of the fact that they are no longer relevant to my status and the cause for painful memories.

For me, they represent both good and bad, at least 75% of the outcome is positive and the 25% is bad that is mostly the EX; so why not keep it. The good being the kids and the
learnings that have come out of that life.
Both are cut , broken in a way which is an apt reflection.
In the eyes of God(Catholic church) I am still married, legally a different story. How the church makes me feel about it, is another story for another day.

I'll hold  on to them. Just buy new ones for my naked fingers.

God is great, he's wonderful

Did I not know he was there before?
That's because I was looking but did not see.
It's been 4 years or so now, life has happened
and I am grateful.
I have a job still in this terribly terribly unstable
and roller coaster economy,
the love of family who stand by me
and friends who share their ears and hearts with me.

He asks little from  us, but gives us so much
yet half the time we think and feel
it's not nearly enough, and we're never contented.

Weather 's hot but not that crazy.
The plants are still green and flowering.
The children will still moan and groan,
and I will still nag and push
but that's life.
I like quiet but I also miss the noise.

Is that how we're made, to live with noise and silence;  to have one and sometimes we must have the other. Extremes and boredom keep us afloat and living.

In spite of everything that has happened , I know I am blessed.
It doesn't matter how anyone else judges.
I don't aim for perfect, just better than OK.

God will still love us inspite of our chaos and continue to be our guide even if I don't see the driver.

Thinking about Forgiving, not the Forgetting

"Evil can be undone, but it cannot develop into good. Time does not heal it." C S Lewis
In Lewis interpretation, you have to go back to the beginning and do it all over again to see the error of your ways.

One of the things to do to be at peace is to forgive.
Could my ex have been saved, converted, changed ?

I kept thinking about that and then recently I heard a homily about how we should pray. In summary, the implication was leave it in God's hands, ask for help for a person or with a situation when you pray BUT don't direct God.

And so I thought of my situation, I didn't direct God, I asked for help to solve the unrest and distress.
And the answer as it had unfolded gives me my answer to my question.
If it could be done, it would have come to pass and so the answer I believe is no.

God intervenes when we need him and when it's beyond our control but not when we can do it our self, be it easy or hard. We need to know when to give up and when to persevere.

-Reviewing
My children are older, not necessarily wiser. Now I worry if one of my sons is turning into a replica of is father. ..a question of nature of nurture.  Awareness is not enough.
Praying and trusting in God is all have. I don't intend to live that way again.
May God have mercy.

You can't miss it if you didn't have it to begin with.

When I was growing up, hand-me-downs were common. And I don't mean from an older sister or cousin. I mean literally second hand clothes that used to be collected at a church. My mum was friends with a lady who worked there, and she would go there now and again to pick out stuff for us. We were open to jumble sales too.  Mostly it was for me since my sister got my hand me downs.

I would go along most of the time, but I didn't really think twice about it nor was I embarrassed or even had a thought that anyone might recognize the clothes. To me, it was great to have a variety of stuff to choose from as they were mostly from rich people.

For few years until I was out of School, you could say the family was on a budget, which my mum managed well. I didn't really understand the concept of going without or having less because it never really occurred to me, or perhaps I had nothing to compare to. My brother and I were the less privileged compared to my younger sister who grew up in less tighter times.

Unlike today, we had not much of a choice in what we wore. Like or hate it, but keep your head high among the rest of the kids you interacted with.   There was not much choice.

Perhaps that's why I'm not fussy or into 'branded' stuff cos I can't see any value there. I'm not affected by all that designer fluff.

If I was to introduce this idea to my daughter I think she would frown on it and shy away. I threw away clothes cos they were worn out, she disposes of clothes that have seen little wear because they were out of fashion and sitting in the wardrobe. Is it little wonder she appreciates little.

My boys have a mixed attitude strangely for the better, or is it because they're boys. Perhaps I've spoilt the girl being the oldest and most privileged in that sense. The boys grew up with less.

Is there anything wrong with the idea of recycling, especially if the quality is still good.

Pride keeps most people away from the clothes in the thrift shop(except the domestic workers) at the church but it doesn't stop them from admiring some of those really pretty clothes.

Love, it's still simple, it's the will part that's hard...

I wrote this way back and it still is valid but it gets easier with age...........

"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it."  Song Of Solomon 8:7.
But man can. Call me cynical,
I don't think that Love is instinctive; it's not some sentiment embedded deep in one's nature that it persists despite all else. It is a product of our upbringing and our social environment.  It is a choice made that gets buried so deep and therefore it implies it can be 'un-done',  (like water erodes the soil to expose the roots) dug away gradually until it appears near the surface and then our mind [and all it remembers] decides to love or not to love. We nurture it again or not  with reasons for that choice.
Love implies absolute acceptance - simple yet difficult, is it do-able ?

These statements from my earlier post The Choice to Make, ring true  - by M S Peck who said “The desire to love is not itself love….Love is an act of will …. Namely an intention and action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.”

If we choose it all the time and make it so, then there will be more ...as is implied by Mother Theresa who said  "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."   On the other hand this seems simple.

(Nov/2009)

People can read you if you are not sincere.

Things are settling or should I say the dust is settling.

I'm moving on with life. There are new phases and stages with the kids now as they get on with ADOLESCENCE.

When DOES  that end  ...? really  ?!

Each definitely have their father's genes.
They have tempers that flare on the quick and sometimes I am reminded of the stressful times while I was staying with my narcissistic X.

Each is different in the degree of it and how they manage it or cope with it.  I can only advice and as they grow older hope they be more mindful of it.
I wouldn't want them to turn out to be like the X.  He's a real example of how life will  turn out - unless you like being alone. No family to stick by you,  no true or long term friends who can bide you.

People can read(sense) you when you are not sincere, they will not tell you, just walk away. You may think you are likable and yet.

I've grown calmer in the face of heat.

Christmas ... a time to start anew

It's a time to start over. I have been thinking a lot about it.

Old habits die hard, just like old fears are difficult to dissipate.

I can't consider the worries of the kids any more, they are older and they seem to make their own decisions and comments about how they perceive their father and me, the things being said (insinuations), It will be his game and I need to stop playing it and stop  ''çaring ' on a certain level or I shall never move on.

I have always used a method to get through the stressful periods of life where I had no control and that is to assume an extreme (negative) scenario and accept that and my solution to it.

Have faith always.

It's not as bad as it sounds, I'm just dealing.

Merry Christmas all.

Tumultuous

These few weeks have been rather tumultuous. That's a good word to describe what's been going on in the family, among ourselves.

It seems my ex, the kids' father is somehow still standing in our midst and creating TROUBLE.

On the alternate weekends when they are with him, I get that he has not moved on and still curses me and complains and so on. The comments I hear from the kids when they are home with me tell me as much.

I'm trying to leave it (him, pain) behind and not talk about it nor do I wish to dredge up bad memories to remind the kids. But then I think, are they forgetting everything they've been through. Isn't that good ?

Let it be, let him do his best to prejudice the kids against me, let him weave his stories. I am tired of this.

4 years on and blogging

I have three blogs, did I ever mention that? They are all different personal journeys(not in the schizo sense :) ) but I can't combine them.
I'll say one thing though, it helps much to pen down thoughts when they are in chaos.

The first one I started was a journal of our pain, it was a record of the abuse. I used it to help myself draw a picture of the pattern of abuse because that seemed to be the only way to make someone understand and see what was not right. It's not been touched for a while now. That's a good thing.

When I started reading blogs it was in the hope of finding help and what can I do?. T here was nothing much locally, lots from overseas. It helped to know my problem was not unique and not totally hopeless.

This one here is my second blog, started a few months after the first, it was more for my personal feelings (in poetry sometimes) and thoughts of those trying times when I had to find my Courage and create some heaven now (July 09).  We lived with a Volcano, and there was much Inner Struggle (Aug 09) and the Frustration with Family services.in a tiny nutshell.

But there were moments of light and moments to sing (Sep 09). I worried but Believe me when I say I had divine help with timing, connecting and arrangements that just fell into place during the transition. Things beyond my control were taken care for me.

As I read back, I think - thank God it is over but thank God also for the blessings of miracles that accompanied the period of upheaval.

This blog is now more  about what goes on deep within - my head and my heart, many thoughts and feelings which I cannot openly share.

My third blog, is the me that I can share with the world as me but more as someone's daughter, sister,  friend or mother and Godma. It's the me that does not talk about the shadows and the past but the life I have moving forward. That blog identifies me.  If you do connect the two, don't give me away please (email me).

Only a handful know my inner story in Blog 2. Fewer still know my inner struggles in Blog 1.. but I hope somewhere I have helped someone who may have been in the same deep dark hole as I had been.

A question of fairness

Is it normal to constantly think in terms of balance of problems ?  I know that others do not have perfect lives but some just seem to have less troubles than I do. Then I think that's unfair. Why me ?

My life has improved much, and it is ridiculous to expect it to be perfect BUT from time to time (when I am tried) I wallow, I compare myself, my life with that of others and I always feel like I have more to weather than others.

I think in terms of no kids vs 3 kids vs 1 kid vs parents with smart kids vs kids who have to work so hard vs the busy parent vs SAHM vs the single (happy go lucky), the well traveled vs luck vs luckless..  etc etc etc..


There' s a saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but why do we have to have more than others at all. Isn't some enough ? Why do some seem to have none at all ?

I read somewhere too, that we experience problems because God wants to see or test our reactions to it rather than the solution of it.  So does it add to our credit line somewhere or reduce our debt on some conscience balance sheet for a place in heaven ?
It seems that we all don't begin with the same starting balance.

The mulling lasts a little while and then I thank God because there is more goodness to be grateful for than what went before. We all have different strengths to handle life differently, I suppose that is why.

There's a reason for all things that happen to us, I believe that strongly and yet ..........





 

Teenage angst

How long does this phase last ?  The rule books are out on this.

My youngest is entering the teen phase soon, although I think he's there already...

My oldest is out of the teen zone but still very much in the phase of hormones... or it could a girl thing.

I honestly cannot recall going through this phase with that much upheaval where my parents were concerned. I think it was within me, betweee me and myself and among school mates mostly but it wasn't too rocky a period, quite uneventful I think... or did I have it too much under control. Hmmm ???

The good thing is, they are talking to me; I won't always call it a conversation all the time, it could be one way (either way) too.

They get angry, so do I (I am allowed aren't I...I think the rule books says so ) but I keep it going when they think it's the end of the world, like there was no explosion,  and sometimes I behave like there was no battle and they can be baffled by this but I think they are getting used to the idea.  There are moments when they weigh it by, that the battle between us was stronger just by the length of my silence.

I will survive !


                                 

Self pity

Self pity...it's easy to fall into this hole,

they are fairly common along the road

we walk every day.

It comes from holding on to the past.

Let go.

Unfortunately those around us 

don't always let us forget

and moments, words in exchange

force us to remember bitter thoughts.

and then we fall.

Perfect Family

Is there a perfect family anywhere ?. My opinion. I don't think so.

Does it matter ?  Ultimately it's what we decide to do, how we choose to judge or react to each person and we live with that choice to either love, hate or maintain relationships for family sake.
I suppose this is the cycle of life, the drama of life and so on BUT Life goes on.

I wrote about My Mother sometime ago.  Recently I have been dredging up old memories, which I know I should just drop. My mother has been acting out (literally acting petulant) because of grief and loss and getting me worked up.

A close relative passed away and bad family history (little dramas and sagas) gets dug up. Grief performs some amazing tricks with the mind.

How does a younger person offer advise to an elderly on forgiveness and letting go and moving forward ?

Not that I ever believed I had a perfect family, history and all, I just never heard much about it. At the same time I am hearing about lots of new historical drama that has passed within my own and the different extended families. Arranged marriages that were forced to work and typical IN-LAW horror stories (not a myth !!)... this is the gist of history of my past generation.

My history ( if it be told by my children) ironically while imperfect too is made up of none of these.

The strange things people queue for !

At one time, there were queues for new property launches. Well that's gone now.

Then there was the iPhone craze. Sorry but I'm not an apple fan, I'm quite happy with the android phone and Windows.

The latest craze is 'Hello Kitty' given out by  McDonalds. That is really unbelievable. What's there to get up and go queue at 4am in the morning ..over  a stuffed cat that has a mouth missing ??

Hmmm... is this a Singapore thing ?

The other crazy thing I hear is that you can auction these Kittys and make 100 times what they're worth ... seriously !!

The haze situation has improved for now. There's cloud seeding and some other such activity in the works. School re opens next week and then we begin the hard work again.

My God loves me...vs Mother Nature

It's a beautiful hymn, that is infrequently sung in church, why is that ?

From time to time, we all need reminders that no matter what the failings or the weaknesses He still does.

Mother Nature is acting out in our part of the world too in a different way. No hurricanes or blizzards or floods or droughts.

All things happen for a reason - anywhere.

The environment has taken a turn for the worst at the moment. The mosquitoes are causing problems with a new strain of Dengue.  Many factors are probably the cause besides breeding sites which we are constantly reminded to prevent, the extreme weather could be the other reason that's helping the mozzies along. No, there is still no cure against the virus of the Aedes mosquito. Nature will continue to find ways to survive.

The PSI (air quality)is bad, every year we go through this problem for a while, where the neighbouring countries (farmers) burn the land to such an extent it affects the air (smells of smoke)all the way across the seas not just here over in Singapore but the whole of the west coast of Malaysia  too. We aren't pulling on oxygen masks just yet. Hope the winds change.

One would think I was not talking about urban Singapore but some backwater  'ulu' country, but this is happening here and now.

How much is within our control, not much I think. We'll just have to weather it.

Coping with ........

As I tried to title this post I was trying to figure, what am I coping with ?

There are just too many areas.

First I thought 'school', the kids timetable and their or my or the schools' push towards academic performance is taking it's toll. Yes exams are around the corner. Exams always seem to be around the corner.

Dealing with the ex is no longer a problem directly but dealing with his antics through playing with the kids'head is another kind of problem. I am learning how to deal with that too, unfortunately I can't say the same for the kids who are neither too young or too old.  You can't force courage or grow it when the fear never really went away and strength never had the opportunity to take root. My ex can't seem to think first for the goodness of his kids except his own selfish end. To him, it's still about winning the game and that means using the kids.
In this instance I think prayer is the only strategy and everyday I strive to keep the kids going at what is important for them.

Then there is work. Does such a thing exist, work-life balance?.  No job is stable today, perhaps if you work in the public sector. Dissatisfaction is one thing, but holding on to it and making it work does not help when the economy is so volatile.
Inflation used to be subtle and silent, but today it's the opposite and so tangible that you hear and feel it constantly when you shop for basics or have a simple meal.

Besides that I've been thinking of moving out of my sector to something more worthwhile but that's difficult at my age too.

So we plod on and make whatever works work.
My mind is constantly racing even when I try to do something restful and calming, there's always something to worry about, to plan for, to frown about and just so little to smile about.

It's hard to just throw caution to the wind.

No I'm not feeling melancholy, just low on faith and irritated by all these bumps along the road.

My plants...

I have been excited about getting my balcony garden going since I bought the apartment.

It's been about 3 months now, and I don't think I'm doing too badly for someone with not so green thumbs.

I can't seem to get any of the twiners growing though.  I had a fern sort of a creeper, that died, and the latest unsuccessful attempt is the passion flower.

I'm think I'll give up on the idea of a twiner for now.  It's depressing to see two empty pots. I'll probably re pot one of the smaller ones into them soon.

As you see, the rest are not doing too badly.  There's a jasmine and a small rose plant which I hope will thrive.

the corner that gets the 4-6 (South -West facing) afternoon sun is doing ok... 

I'm trying to figure out how to put the hooks in the ceiling, so my moneyplant in the corner is still sitting on the bench there and growing real well.

I'm told I can't go wrong with a Dracaena which is this tall plant. 

Dracaena., even the tiny cutting at the bottom(next to the big stem) there has got a couple of new shoots. and at the far right is the wilted away Passion Flower twiner...:(

Two planter pots, on top is the African Violet and below the remaining Petunias.. Little direct sun from this end..

Problem is the flowering plants. I started out with a number of pots of petunias which died.. except for these remaining pink ones that are surviving due their proximity to the window. The ones on the inside died.  African Violets I'm told do not need much light so I hope these survive, they are a relatively new addition compared to the others.

I had a problem trying to remove the windows, hence the reduced area open to light, haven't given up on the idea yet.

It's only been a few months, I m impatient I suppose. I've got a couple of big plants outside the entrance door and I 'm thinking  I'd like to get some more.

Any green-thumbers out there, how about some advice...

I've been reading up on the indoor gardening bits, about special soils and fertilisers, there's a lot to learn.