To-DO LIST ... working up the spirit ..

I haven’t had the flu in a while. This past week it caught up with me. I suppose the wet weather and ‘fickle’ weather as they say have helped the bug along.
My colleague said it’s God’s way of trying to get us to slow down. You think?
Well it got me thinking while I rested at home.
The Christmas spirit is somewhat slow on catching up with me this year, it's never been like this. I've always started preparing like 2 months ahead. It’s probably the weight in my head, like a clogged drain I can’t seem to go forward. Some 10 of my colleagues in the office have gotten together to do carols for a short session for the office, and the practises haven't quite put me in the spirit yet either.

But at least for the kids I need to kick up my feet, pull up my 'stockings' and get a move on it.
I’m really VERY LATE on my Christmas to-dos this year. 
I have decided that I am going to get a 4 ft tree as I can no longer put up the 7 ft one and it is sort of sad not to have a tree up even if you have decorations.

My daughter has done an excellent job of decorating the living room and the compound now I should just add some lights and that would be with The TREE.. I have a little crib, that will go with the TREE.

So the TREE is my project this weekend and hopefully the start of the to-do list.

Addendum: ok I added the clock to stress me out more ...:)'

Old Photo of Myself

Here’s another little fact about me, I hate being photographed, always have. In my Church’s recent 50th Anniversary Souvenir Magazine, I saw an old group photo which was taken 32 years ago. It was a picture taken at a church camp for all the teenagers involved in church groups – both boys and girls.
Firstly my hair was tied up(could see the frizz around my head), my face looked round and moody and I was sitting hunched. I was wearing some strange batik short sleeved blouse (ugghh!) .. and guess what of all the photos they had to sift through to put up here, they found THE ONE where my eyes were closed.

Back then I’d probably have looked at this picture and wished the ground would open up for me to disappear. But today I am getting a good laugh out of it and a good doze of nostalgia.
Good grief, I looked at the young faces of familiar kids and friends – everyone’s hairstyle was just AWFUL. And ok, I don’t feel too bad, not everyone had wonderful T-shirts. But then their eyes were open.

Fondly, I remember BUT I wouldn’t want to re- live those days, care-free though they were, I was so self-conscious then about mingling, (I would call it suppressed too), always sticking close to the clique (this is what comes out of schooling in a convent all the way til 16, plus little exposure otherwise) and didn’t know how to behave around the boys. But fondly I remember this bunch.
This was the bunch of kids including my brother, I hung around with mostly for church activities for several years –  we organized Christmas pageants together (created our own costumes), we played Rounders( version of baseball, and I could bat too to the boys' utter astonishment), Church campfires (put up skids),  we rode each others’ bicycles around the church compound, went to annual church camps.

It's so sad but campfires are almost extinct today. Unless you are in a uniformed group you would probably not have such things organised as outdoor camps.
All familiar faces in this old photo, some of whom I still see today in the same church. Mostly we have all gone our separate ways.

One photo, one moment yet so many moments of memories.

Ranting- moody, meloncholy, angry., frustrated..

WARNING: reading this post could seriously depress you.

Jealousy, envy lately ....  I have been thinking and comparing my life with others who just seem luckier, happier,  and much more comfortable with not a care in the world.
Generally feeling sorry for myself!.
Why me?
Trouble is just there hovering above, ahead, behind..

It's would be so easy to give it all up, run away. Have thought about dying. What if I had pretended that this was normal and let it be and just wait for the kids to grow up. What if I not rocked the boat.

But I could not - I have a responsibility to the children, they would suffer; don't I have a responsibility to my folks too?.  But they seem to be doing more of the looking out for me than the reverse.

I am tired of living with a sociopath.  I'm not being objective right now,  I know that, I'm looking at the jungle as a whole - a big mess.  I'll break it down once I've blown off steam.
There is a solution and yet not a solution, there are consequences and yet it will be better once I get over the next mountain. I believe that right now I am looking at the mountain.

Dear St Jude I'm still waiting for our peace of mind.

God does not give us more than we can handle, I hope that is seriously true......

Gentle reminder - HAVE NO FEAR

I had an earlier post in which I was ranting and feeling sorry for myself etc etc but decided I couldn't post it for young prying eyes.

I've been trying to ignore it by pretending it's not there hovering, so that I can regain my hold...but it just won't go away.
Fear seems to be my worst enemy. Life goes on and I think I am in control but it creeps up time and time again even when I think I have shoved it out the door. Courage where are you?
Have I ever revealed that by the Chinese zodiac calendar, I am a rabbit and my husband a tiger - I have always thought of myself as the sitting rabbit (like a 'sitting duck' if you guess my meaning), but on the other hand on the astro chart I am Leo the lion.. I hope the latter wins out.

I keep reminding myself, keep the faith, sometimes I do and sometimes it's difficult when anxiety comes along.   Then I think back to inner struggles, on all that has been accomplished and all that has passed and try to find my courage again so that I can face the new challenges that are about to come along. There are just some things I must do by myself .

Believe! .. let it go and leave it at HIS feet.. I will persevere.
My favourite prayer of late, still it's like I'm clinging to a vine so desperately tight before a thousand foot drop and only I know I am there :-

My Lord God

I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that

I think that I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you

does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire

in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything

apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this,

you will lead me by the right road

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost

and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me

and you will never leave me

to face my perils alone.
[The Road Ahead by Thomas Merton]

To Awards and Friendships

St Augustine reflected that 'Friendship constitutes a country for those in exile, a fortune for the poor, a remedy for the sick, and a life for the dead. It provides pleasure for those who are well, strength for the weak, and a reward for the strong.'

From two of my favourite blogs, thank you Andrea Arise to Write and  All God's Creatures for the Circle of Friends Award and Farila Chapters From My Life and Discovering Myself for the Lemonade Award..Thank you both very much for your presence in my blog, I truly appreciate it..
Both these lovely ladies have created their own rules,  so I'll modify some too ...just so we can share in the receiving and the giving to be enjoyed. ...So to all bloggie friends visiting please take them for yourselves and pass them on to your friends.

The rules -  remember to acknowledge the bloggers(do a link) where they came from, nominate 5 recipients (let them know about it) and tell us any 5 things about yourself.

There have been a few awards going round lately so I am not just going to select a few. There are many of you who pass through, it doesn't matter if you comment or not but I believe many read what I put down. For your participation alone, it's sufficient reason for me to pass these awards on and share them with any of you who would like to pick them up. There is a joy in receiving and there is a joy in giving or passing them on. I hope you experience that feeling too.

5 things about me .....
- I have to stop and smell a rose when I come across one;
- I love the smell of smashed raw garlic;
- I remember my 'glory days' fondly - I used to play badminton for school(my primary school days) and netball for school thereafter all the way to college..(that means I used to have sports in my blood..)
- I love cooking but not the washing up..
- I am afraid to get another pet dog, because I don't think I could go through loosing another one again.

Have fun sharing the awards..

A Good Cool Break Away.....

I took a break with the kids and my folks during the week. We drove to Cameron Highlands which is somewhere(Perak-Pahang) in the middle of Malaysia. It was a 7 hour drive all the way from home across the causeway to the top of the mountain 'Gunung Brinchang' 2000m(1666ft) above sea level.  Miles and miles of oil palms is what we drove past.

It was a packed car filled with bags, kids and adults. My dad and I took turns driving. We stayed at the top most town of Brinchang.

The last time I went there, was some 30+ years ago. What I remembered most about the place was the cold cold wind, the big roses and beautiful larger than usual flowers. Then, it was sparsely populated with shop house - 2 storey buildings,  rather sleepy atmosphere surrounded by hectares and hectares of tea plantations and vegetable farms. Along the winding road, you still find the 'orang asli' the original natives to the area, selling forest durians, wild honey and other exotic fruits.

This time round, WOW, the town was like 5 times the size, with lots more buildings, hotels and shops and lots more traffic. Commercialisation had to catch up I suppose.  The weather was the same - cold cold wind and beautiful (it was a little wet, but it didn't dampen our mood..) Thank goodness for hot water.. 

Tea plantations and vegetable farms all still there, but this time round there were strawberry farms additionally as well as apiaries (bee farms). We managed to do and see everything - tea plantations, honey making, tea leave processing, picked strawberries, half of which was eaten by my youngest at the hotel.

Well of course with car travel up and down and winding roads some of us got sick  (yours truly included).. but then no pain no gain !..

Colours just seem richer and more vibrant, courtesy of the climate up there, colourful flowers everywhere, we checked out the huge roses and hibiscus and the butterfly farm. There was a mini carnival at night, my son took his first ferris wheel ride and enjoyed it thoroughly as any kid would.

We managed to drive to the summit area on the second day... got lost in the process,.. luckily we didn't get stuck in the mud., managed a 3-point turn in extremely tight conditions(mud tracks)..didn't quite have to travel through forest terrain... but alas when we reached the TOP we were literally standing in the CLOUDS, wonderfully chilly BUT no scenery to take in since we were lost in FLUFF..

A different sort of 'tiring' for me, but it was a good break away from tensions, stress, phone calls, emails, the pc, work, worries and even the sun which we missed mostly while we were up there. The children were at ease eventhough they couldn't leave mischief at home (it had to come along!)

Thank you dear God for the safe safe journey to and fro, the beauty, the time, the cool weather, the food, the family.

Beneath the Waves

See the waves on the ocean, of constant movement,
of shifts, a rising, ebb and  flow.
It is each one of us, until finally
each crashes, breaks or fades on some shore.
Each gathers force to rise to greater heights, so busily,
to become stronger than the next, gathering more
to overcome and ride over the wave in front.
Time is of the essence.
The surface teems with agitation, chaos and impatience.

Yet look down, just beneath, the vast ocean,
a limitless expanse, where all is calm.
Step into Life that teems alongside a great emptiness.
None is harried, none is loud.
Simplicity is foremost, time takes a back seat.
Let go, surrender and be free
of turbulence, restriction or constraints.

There is much to explore, look to any direction,
feel every sense come to life.
Consciously aware,  let the mind breathe in a clarity
of experience, of beauty, colour, movements, a tranquility.
Light at our center glows bright once more.
Before long, the deepest journey of our self has begun.
An exploration of depth, splendour,
serenity and awareness will come to pass.
Live life not as a wave but as the ocean.

(HA 2009)