Telling My Story

This is my journal

about my unique little life.

It gets quite personal

because it's about my strife.

It is alright, that you know

I am not unlike you,

but I have my own woes,

and my path winds too.

It is my desire to share,

a story that unfolds gradually,

so you know not all life is fair,

and might appreciate greatly

that which you now have,

is truly special from above.

Always, it comes full circle,

seasons of calm then storms unfurl.

A sweet memory, an unforeseen smile

I may bring you for your musing,

melancholy to dissipate not to pile,

then return once more to the beginning.

There are times when I digress

into God or faith and pray,

exploring ways out of unrest,

seeking which is the way.

If you do hear,  lift my heart with a comment

for I am always uncertain.

But only if you can comprehend

then my soul shall be less burdened.

(HA)

Seeking Wisdom which brings Contentment....

The answer seems to be 'carry on with life, it's not my time to do anything yet'.

Seeking a miracle solution from The Book, there is none. They are work-at-it solutions.
There is hope for contentment in this life, without waiting for it in death. It appears that what we constantly seek can be gotten quite easily,  the incentives are wonderful and yet so very difficult in the doing.
Does contentment lead to acceptance or does acceptance lead to contentment?
Does this call for blind faith, to believe I am treading on the right path?  
How do I lay aside my own perception to trust Him 'wholeheartedly'. Do I stop thinking altogether each time I make a choice or decision.?
Not so easy to do - to think of Him in all things we do.

"Trust wholeheartedly in God

put no faith in your own perception;

acknowledge him in every course you take

and he will see that your paths are smooth."

And once we discover wisdom, it will

 ... "all lead to contentment.

... give life to your soul

and beauty to your neck.

You will go on your way in safety,

your feet will not stumble..

... you will not be afraid

.. sleep will be sweet"       
(Prv 3:5-6,17 22-24)..

Being Positive is Not the same as not being Negative

I dislike wet blankets. I try not to be one myself but I suppose I can't avoid being caught in the rain like everyone else........

 
The effect of being positive is not the same as not having negative thoughts.

I have come to a point of awareness where I am able to pull myself back from the brink of bleak moods, to minimise negative thoughts. I essentially 'talk' myself out of it or remind myself 'for the sake of the kids'. 

But putting positive thoughts into motion is more difficult.

Being positive, feels like putting yourself into gear for forward momentum, an anticipation that should lead you to greater engagement.

Preventing or putting off negative thoughts feels more like putting the gears into neutral, holding back but not quite daring to take a different step.

Anyway, being totally composed all the time is impossible, I think we need moments to allow ourself to cry or scream.

I did that on Sunday, it felt good.

Lost in thought - just a date?

I don't have all my answers yet.
This month is the month of my wedding anniversary. I don't think much of it because as far as I am concerned the marriage has been over over for a few years now(perhaps longer if I want to analyse it) and yet.
What am I, neither divorced or married in the sense of the word just very definitely a single mother.
In church when the blessing was given to all who were celebrating their anniversary this month, I did not stand up. While the priest gave his blessing, I felt like crying.  Should I have stood up?  What would I be celebrating?  What does God say ?  I got no answer.

I can't not think of it because I am reminded by my family.  They are merely thinking of it in the usual way. I try not to think of it because I don't know what to think of it.

What does it really represent? 

A commitment that created three little lives, three new hearts and minds with their own expressions and experiences.

I suppose like many things, I need to come to terms with it, rationalise what to do with this date, because it will come again each year until  it no longer means anything to anyone. 

Instead of 'anniversary', I could call it something else.

Why should I celebrate it or remember it ? 

It's more than just a date.. it's the reason for my three little hearts.

Hope and a New plan - Bible thoughts

I think God does experiment (Reflections) with us, because he wants what is best for us. But still, he gave us free will.
As  Helen S Rice wisely puts it...
'... whenever we are troubled and when everything goes wrong,  It is just God working in us to make our spirits strong".

My bedtime prayers have turned towards reflections of late, here's one of them that's been going through my head.

When I read the old testament stories, I feel envious of the early people of God.  They were so very blessed to have God literally manifest himself in so many ways. God showed himself, showed his works, made himself heard and showed his mercy so often to these people - of and on he sent destruction upon those who did not obey,  destroyed cities and spared those who deserved it. The bible continues on with death and mercy, warnings, threats then mercy, of prophets pleading with the people, of holy men and prophets who failed God too because they were merely human, of people not heeding the warnings ..throughout the years before Christ.

It's as if God kept on trying to control and direct his people (to save them) to gain their obedience through the generations but STILL could not.  Are we as stubborn as the early people of Israel?  Would we behave the same way, if God decided to manifest himself the same way today?. Would He be disappointed too?

Thus finally I believe, He decided on a New and different plan to keep us true to himself. The onus now falls upon ourselves to follow by the example of one Man.
The Good News as the New Testament is called,  is really that,  there's a feeling of Hope when you read these new Chapters after reading the Old.

Having extra weight on your behind, big hips and solid thighs "is good for you"

This headline cheered me up some.... and Alice's poem  "I Remember When" made my day today..


Here's the news story ........with some interesting information....
http://www.asiaone.com/Health/News/Story/A1Story20100113-191580.html
Wed, Jan 13, 2010   AFP
LONDON - Having extra weight on your behind, big hips and solid thighs "is good for you", British researchers said on Tuesday.
Carrying fat on the hips, thighs and behind, rather than around the waist, has a range of health benefits and actively protects against diabetes and heart disease, experts at Oxford University said.
"Fat around the hips and thighs is good for you but around the tummy is bad," said Dr Konstantinos Manolopoulos, one of three scientists behind the research, which was published in the International Journal of Obesity.
A big bottom is much better than carrying fat around the waist, which tends to release more harmful fatty acids into the body, the research shows.
Belly fat also releases molecules called cytokines which trigger inflammation - raising the risk of diabetes and heart disease.
But fat carried on the thighs traps these harmful fatty acids and stops them from latching on to the liver and muscles and causing a range of health problems, including insulin resistance.
Although fat around the thighs and backside tends to burn slower and be harder to shift, it can release beneficial hormones which protect the arteries and help blood sugar control, the research showed.
"The idea that body fat distribution is important to health has been known for some time," said Manolopoulos, who is a researcher at the Oxford Centre for Diabetes, Endocrinology and Metabolism (OCDEM).
"However is it only very recently that thigh fat and a larger hip circumference have been shown to promote health, that lower body fat is protective by itself."
It is shape that matters - and as far as health is concerned, being 'pear-shaped' is preferable to being 'apple-shaped'.
In an ideal world, the more fat around the thighs the better, providing the stomach stays slim, Manolopoulos said.
"Unfortunately, you tend not to get one without the other," he said.
Unfortunately !

See even fat has its' uses. :)

A day in the Life ....my cup runneth over.....

I'm still in the doldrums, I 've figured out what's bothering me...(besides the eostrogen problem).
These days I am bogged down with work. I think and think of the need to do lots more but  just haven't the time or the energy. I could use another 5 hrs in the day I think.
My children need me,  all three of them but there's only one of me. This bothers me

Dad helps but I think he needs to be a grandfather more than study tutor to them. This bothers me.

My oldest is stressed by school, but I can't really help there because much depends on her own efforts and methods. I can only keep encouraging her and not add to her stress.

I need to curb the 2 boys from their computer games, so I'm going to unplug the machine. They'll probably hate me for a few days or more or until they figure where I've hidden the cable.
I'll have to do more to keep tabs on their activities from the office.

The madman of the house is away for work more often so that helps reduce everyone's stress levels.

And then, there is this course which I have taken up, it's once a week but still(homework and reading) ...it is meant to be a  back up .. you never know which way this industry will turn or turn on us,.. should I postpone it (I kept postponing it ). This bothers me.

Stress wise I think I am coping, I ain't giving in, but coffee only goes so far.
 
Christmas tree needs to come down soon like yesterday!

Dad is worried about me, I tell him I'm fine.
But I worry about him too.

It's just another phase I'll survive this.

I should pray, but when I pray I come up with more questions about God and his presence (or lack of it ). I just want to believe he is there, I don't want to think about it. 
Sometimes it's just easier to pray for others than my own.