Time to move.... (Part 2)

There seems to be a few different descriptions of this type of abuse .. but whatever it is, it is exactly that- abuse. The abuse has cooled almost deliberately, the kids have not forgotten but he is less present so is it. .
For a long while I had wrestled with it, is it a 'grey' area; I received no affirmation from the family services here. As I mentioned before, the system here doesn't  quite work for such 'family problems'.

......................................................................................

The following articles from Suite 101.com describes much of it..... http://www.suite101.com/emotional-verbal-abuse


Emotional domestic violence is the most pervasive form of domestic abuse, yet it can be the hardest to recognize. People who experience emotional domestic abuse don’t have outward signs of abuse like victims of physical domestic violence. Emotional domestic abuse is comprised of belittling talk, constant put-downs or criticism, lying and deceit, name-calling, social isolation, controlling behavior, threats of harm to self or others, blame for actions, and guilt. In many cases, an abusive relationship will escalate from emotional abuse to physical abuse. This is not to say, however, that emotional abuse is not serious in its own right; emotional domestic violence can cause long-lasting trauma.


* Dominance: Abusers want to feel that they are in charge. To achieve this, they often make decisions for themselves and their partners without first consulting. They do not consider the other person’s thoughts or feelings, and simply expect their decisions to be followed without question.  
* Embarrassment: Most abusers shame their partners in the presence of others, thus creating a sense of worthlessness in their victims. This is done deliberately so partners feel incapable of leaving. Thus, insults, name-calling and general disrespect are prevalent in many abusive relationships. Other less obvious tactics include chiding, ridiculing or undermining the victim’s capabilities.
* Separation: Abusers isolate their partners in order to create dependency. They typically keep friends and family away and may even prohibit partners from working or attending social functions. It is not uncommon for victims of emotional abuse to require permission to engage in activities outside of the home.
* Fear: Abusers frequently use fear tactics to push their victims into submission. They may threaten to hurt themselves, their victims, the children or household pets. In addition to verbal threats are intimidating looks and actions intended to signify that they are in charge.
* Blame: Abusers never want their actions named or confronted. To avoid this, they commonly blame their victims for their behavior. In other instances, abusive partners excuse themselves by saying they have a bad job, are experiencing pressure from work or home or do not feel appreciated. In other words, their actions are never their own.


To this end, the emotional state of an abuser often changes without notice. Therefore, he or she may be able to disguise verbal assaults or blanket them with later kindness. This makes the victim feel that he or she may have over-reacted to the initial incident. Thus, a vicious cycle of fear and guilt begins to form within the victim.


Signs of Emotional Abuse
Studies indicate that the after-effects of emotional abuse can be long-lasting and deeply-entrenched. Once they leave an abusive relationship, some women report an inability to trust. Others feel uncomfortable around people and fearful of how they are perceived.

Persons who are in emotionally abusive relationships often experience some of the following emotions:
* fear of their partner* general feelings of helplessness and anxiety
* desire to avoid certain subjects that may upset their partner
* compulsion to concur with their partner on all matters just to maintain peacejavascript:void(0)
* worry that their partner will suddenly become angry

 We are also products of  Narcissistic Personality.   (©1998-2004 by Joanna M. Ashmun.)

Time to move (Part 1)

Entry to Journal1: 30 Aug 2010:

It came this morning, the writ, to the office, my receptionist may have seen it. It was not even in an envelope, but the courier insisted to hand it to me.

Yes I thought evil, why not to the house? Justice will prevail so they say, I hope it does (I'm mad, mad is good, better than mushy).

He is a real ##$ss#, he knows his daughter is doing her exams soon; he chooses to do this now.

Not sure what I feel, there's a kind of loss.....

Not sure who to tell ... running through my head.....

'Let me go see the lawyer first' I thought to myself, take control.... ... my instincts were right ... I guess my heart didn't quite want to follow as quickly...
I feel so tired, I'm telling myself don't give in to this helpless feeling... most importantly I can't let it affect work.
My fren said ' many would stay for the kids... but is that the way to live! kids can adapt as long as you keep communicating, they will understand '.
I suppose it can be but sometimes it is better than the uncertainty of the outcome, .. the outcome has to do with the kids; kids now and 10 yrs from now can be of different minds And I just don't want to leave that window open. So on the one hand I am glad but on the other not really .. yes it means I can move on but for the kids it's another changing stressful chapter......
 
I'm afraid of the process... one step at a time.
I don't trust him .. that adds to it..he is malicious and evil what else can I expect ?

I hope then God is on my side whether he approves of divorce or not !

Labour and love.

Steadily it continues to tick,

changing seasons...

mothers persevere,
even as time moves,
but still we lag.
We slow our steps
to give way to those we love,
they move forward.

Is it the irony of our existence
or  a God-given instinct
- how it was and is to be,
to give all and have less.
To grow big with child,
and loose more of self.
That love should hold us back
to ensure they do not lack.
To gain satisfaction from that fruit,
to pour all into one
who may walk away
and leave us
alone.

And finally we are left in this place,
of memories of expressions
and moments,
in our precious possession.

- HA

What is my vocation, am I done ?

Viktor Frankl wrote that  "One should not search for an abstract meaning of life. Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced nor can his life be repeated." . We each have a unique responsibility to our own life ?.

Do you know yours?

So then I ask, is this my vocation, is this my meaning .. to live this way, to find my way in this strange life of conflict, to lead my kids out of it?


lament ...... life is not fair.. why do some people have it so easy.. .. I am to be consoled then with the answer at the end of the parable of the prodigal son ?

A day in the Life - Interact not react, express don't suppress...

My middle child has always been the least expressive and that can be credited to his father.  And yet for these past long stretches of time when the father has been away, I had assumed kid2 had overcome this problem since his quick temper seemed to imply he was not suppressing his angry outbursts.

But I am wrong.  The old conditioning has gone much deeper

The reason for his current bursts of anger is because he is unable to express and communicate what he feels or thinks. He merely reacts with anger to a sibling confrontation, absorbs it without arguing the point of the matter or reasoning it out; walks away. Yes he may throw back an accusation like  'you also do it ' but does not speak up on what is running through his head on the subject nor maintain a stand for himself. And when the other party continues with the badgering of the 'bad action' he merely explodes out of frustration.

Like a balloon, I explain to him, if he is able to argue for himself (by expression) the frustration would not build up and he would be able to let out some of the air and maintain control. Otherwise it finally bursts like his outburst.
To my dismay, what it also means is that he not able to interact on a personal level comfortably with his siblings.

I hope it is not too late to start.

So we learn, from a particular blowup of one Saturday morning, and we will work on that.
I will help him... practise to get words out , 'talk about your thoughts and feelings, you have as much right to voice them'.

Feeling wobbly

'rough waters'

Now and then the old fears leap back into my heart and the old thoughts sneak in.  It's like this whenever he returns. I am still waiting for the next stone to be thrown. It seems safe and then I begin to wonder about his plotting.
I have not written in my first blog (of painful memories) for a while since December, but today I had to add to it because those chapters are not quite closed.

The children are safe, he can't hurt them anymore (he's cunning so he will control his anger); but are they safe from his mind games ?.

I know there is no way for him to win them, they still remember too much.
I have been through that thought process and I know that I will not loose them even if he tries to buy their hearts. And yet I can't shake it completely.

If you have read  or followed  my story you might be able to understand what I feel at the moment otherwise it 's probably really abstract. It's been more than year since I took that first step to restrain. It was for the kids (tiny steps forward ). Should I have done more for myself, could I ?

Ironically, the only way to become less afraid and do away with it altogether, is to stop thinking about that and think about the worst case scenario and what that means. Once I deal with that, I will be able to move forward from that old fear.

Take charge, . .I climb a little and then seem to slide back some..

It's What You Make of It: Take Charge!

'Life is what you make of it'... written by Amy a guest writer on ourmommyhood.com

.. great advice and wonderful encouragement to be the person you are.