Leaning on your Child ?

(My encounter with a friend’s child raised many questions, she’s a single mom with 2 kids.)

Is it right to look to your child (who has not reached twenty) for emotional support even if you think he or she is capable of it ?
Is it right to make him/her feel obligated in that role at so early an age.

How much responsibility is too much for a child? Is it maturity or a child’s ‘over-sense’ to take care of mum. She says ‘I should’ not ‘I want’.

What does it strangle in childhood development?

Does she hold back her emotions because of this role? (I suppose she does if she decided to open up to me, I meet them irregularly 2-3 mths once.)

Are they afraid to upset mom?

My friend has always interacted with her children in a ‘whiny’ sort of way, in a adult to adult manner and not so much as child and mother, they always do things together, she always gets the older girl to help her do things, is how I would describe it, ….is my friend clingy .. I’m not there to observe all that .

I broached the subject with my friend as delicately as a friend can, but she sort of brushed it aside ‘don’t worry, my child tells me everything’.

Does she?
I will stay in touch with the older girl and let her mum use my ears more.

It set me thinking of course, do I lean on my child’s shoulder ? I don’t think we should do that, do you ?
Do any of my kids think that ?

Slow healing - my own way

Is there a formula for healing? I think not. 
The steps are different each time for everyone.

'Pray always, ask God for guidance and peace'...
Sage advice, yes, I kept up the prayer and I followed the bible passages but I realised 'I am not thinking further or moving '. They gave me comfort and calm and they helped me accomplish that first phase but now I'm not sure to where or what I need, to move forward, the answers are not forthcoming. 

Perhaps the answers or the inspiration to move on are not to be found there now but has to come from elsewhere, from myself, or from the kids or from an action or experience.

There is still cause for anxiety, but I'm no longer frozen, it's been a year, I need to work the emotional and the self independence, push on, stop waiting for the unknown.  

I'm not saying I've cut off my faith or anything like that, just that faith now has a different role to play.
God still has a place but not as my crutch. 

Where have I been ?

I 've been nowhere in particular, just missing in action on this front. 

Been thinking about the me as a mother. What should I do or what do I need to do ?.

It comes down to what I need to do for me before I can take care of the what I should do for the kids.

If you are a lone parent, you might understand what I am saying. 

I'm sorry for not visiting many of you lately, but I will come.

The mind of a 9 year old....

Lately I've been trying to deal with some issues that my youngest son seems to have developed.
He's more mature for his age, thinks more about the burdens of life as a child as opposed to just enjoying.

He is hyper, I believe I have mentioned it before. When he plays he forgets, but when he stops playing all manner of 'worries' seem to creep into his head- mostly the stuff that he does not like to do. And those things seem to weigh down on him. He uses the word 'stress' easily when he actually means he is angry at being forced to do them - simple things like doing some written work particularly the 2nd language, his brother's put down, curbing his play time or has unfinished homework that worries..
Boredom builds fast for him so he constantly needs to be occupied but within the occupation he soon looses interest too. It's hard to keep his mind on a non-action subject for long.

So one I've been giving him examples of more stressful possibilities that have/ could have occurred in our lives to define what stress really could be (he understands that better than most [glad he seems to have forgotten];and two, I have also been trying to get him to understand that he needs to mend his attitude otherwise he's not going to be able to cope with what he calls life and will always have this problem because others are not giving him his freedom. His expectations seem more complicated for a child.

I have to keep at it for it to work. ................       .so many little things to keep at ...

How do you explain what the job of a kid is to a kid?

Revising my Lease on life

I made mistakes and that is what I should learn from rather than try to forget them. When I think of them, I think, why was I so naive, I wish I had been more mature and had been more exposed to see the bad and recognize the abnormal and be less forgiving.

Now it's easier, I remember but have stopped dwelling on it in an oppressive obsessive way. It's time to go past that. I can't undo the past that has led to the here and now, nor wish it away because there's too much there to change, and much I don't wish to change.

These are what I can't share openly and that is why I have this blog. It is the negative expressions, the heavy hearted-ness of thought that are poured out here. Call these my troubled pages. While I might be ready to share some and reveal more of that sad existence with the adults of my circle,  I don't think the kids are ready for the reception of the knowing by relatives or cousins, aunts and uncles whether it is in sympathy or not.

When I started this blog, it was part of the healing, I suppose I am on my way to a new (or revised) lease on life.
All who know me(outside blog land) only see the shiny side of me and the optimist (only my dad knows my 'not so ordinary' troubles). I say 'not ordinary' because this concept of trouble would be quite alien to the normal persons I know.  They don't ask anymore where my husband is or why the children's father do not join us at social functions ?

I want to move on as the pain of the bad fades, I wish to express those thoughts and events that are part of daily life - the pragmatic side of life that is the open book among all I know. Dwelling on life now or to be is a better exercise too I think. So I began another blog that is not hidden, that is open, one that posts about more practical stuff and other  moments of my life, my kids' life, to remember, no heavy emotions or dark thoughts or fears.

If you do comes across it or recognise me,  that's ok. You know me better after all.
I'm not ending off here, life's not perfect YET.   These are are still part of who I am and was.

One day I might link them both.

Want

If God could say Yes,

why does he say No?

Why not ease our way, just bless.

Ah but then, like I say to my child,

if life were too easy you'd get bored.

For that which we want, we must go the mile,

and that is why we must plod.

It is of little worth, anything too easily got,

so we work to raise its’ price.

Our needs He knows though I may not,

delivering them before my unseeing eyes.

Off and on I glimpse but for a moment appreciate.

When the fog lifts, so too the weight.

Then I return to the routine

of wants and whining.

(HA-2010)

School hols - tough on me

It’s the school hols, the long mid year break.

It’s tough being a working mum and tougher during school breaks.

I don’t have that many days of annual leave to take off, so it's quite hard to plan outings around. Annual leave totals 11 days only (call the company stingy.. whatever.. that’s life).  I seriously envy those who have 20 or more days leave.

I sneer and roll my eyes at politicians who babble about work-life balance and push pro-family wonders (where's the time to enjoy it) and can't figure why this country can't grow it's population. Well the happy-go-lucky young have one answer and the experienced have a different response. Good luck to the politicians.

I always wish I can do more with them during their hols, I would like to spend more time with the kids but I can’t afford to. I keep 1 or 2 days for Christmas and some days for the second big break at the end of the year and of course a 1 or 2 for possible emergencies. Sounds pathetic, I agree.

This year I decided the schools would have to meet my timing after office hours for any compulsory PT stuff (if they weren't scheduled on a Saturday), they are not entitled to my leave.

My girl is busy with the major exam that is not too far down the road, and the boys essentially entertain themselves with their electronic games and TV.

You’d think they have more than enough to occupy themselves, yet they still get bored. Grandparents help but I don't want them to bother much, it is their time to relax and the kids can be stressful.

It’s difficult trying to get them to follow some work schedule(to keep in touch with the books) when you are not there. In the office, I am more distracted by their phone calls and keeping track of what they are doing at home.

Sigh....more leave would be good...