Aug 31, 2009

A Day in the life ..child vs me vs petulance

I always have to give in!

On Sunday, my youngest was acting up because of his father's advise.
A couple hours later, he was sitting quietly doing a maze puzzle, so I thought I'd broach the topic. I didn't ask him a question, I wanted to talk to him and suggest something but he just refused to hear or let me proceed.

My son took out his grouchiness on me because he could. I thought to myself, I don't deserve this. 'Fine' I said to him, 'you don’t want to talk to me, I won’t talk to you.'

I decided I wanted to be petty.

A couple of hours later I came back from the supermarket, I bought him lozenges for his throat and passed them to him, he asked what flavour and for about 40sec he talked to me about flavours before I remembered ‘hey I’m not supposed to talk to you and you don’t want to talk to me remember?’ He said ‘But I want to talk to you’.
I said ‘No, it can't work that way’ but he insisted laughingly, so ok ... thought I, let’s try the same topic.

So, it appears that at the time, he was still choking on the advise his father gave him and just did not want to hear me. So the lesson.. don’t get to the touchy subject immediately, work around it, assess child’s mood then get to it.

So I always have to give in, sigh.. some days are tougher than others.

Laugh at Yourself

Out of the blue, I thought to myself today that I should teach my children to laugh at themselves. I think that in itself does wonders for character. It would actually help them be more accepting of imperfections, reduce preoccupation with self and negate pride.
I do and it helps.

When we begin to take our failures non-seriously, it means we are ceasing to be afraid of them. It is of immense importance to learn to laugh at ourselves - Katherine Mansfield

Laughter is a holy thing. It is as sacred as music and silence and solemnity, maybe more sacred. Laughter is like a prayer, like a bridge over which creatures tiptoe to meet each other. Laughter is like mercy; it heals. When you can laugh at yourself, you are free -Ted Loder

Aug 29, 2009

Is it true the good die young?

My child was sick recently and with the recent H1N1 taking a toll, it worried me and started me along the road of maudlin thoughts and fears.

I knew 3 persons who had died around the age of 50. These persons were good people for various reasons – their attitudes to friends, colleagues and family. Why does God do that, especially when some of them had young children who would miss them terribly.
But when I look closer at each of these individuals, I realize they each had a greater depth to their inner being.

One lived quite selflessly first for his 5 younger siblings, he became a ‘mum’ of sorts when she died early; and then he lived selflessly for his 3 kids, keeping his troubles to himself always making others laugh. He died of a sudden heart failure (without prior illness) but he managed to speak to his wife in the last few minutes before he passed.
Another, was an uncle who prayed fervently, was active in church (like he was searching for something) and yet I knew even though he had a wife and child - was not happy. Yet he too showed us a happy face. The third was a colleague who was a very creative soul but had a little darkness to her character, which she displayed through dressing like Leticia (Adam’s family mother, always wore black lipstick) and was quite insightful in conversations with people around her. And she too was always smiling, joking, no matter how tough the work day was, never a melancholy sort in front of others.
If MJ’s death had not been how we know it now, he too would have fallen into this category, we know he was a persecuted soul yet he too had a different face for the world.

Is it that the heart gives out or the soul that has had enough or that Greater Goodness who decides that they have reached their limit of their human essence ? Someone once said they believed that some souls are temporary, are only on this earth to fulfill a higher purpose – to affect the lives of others.
How does one explain the passing of a young child. Why does God do that to mothers?

Aug 28, 2009

Unwind or whine (both also can)

My friend tried to drag me out for drinks after late work yesterday.. I said no.
Then she said to me ' you have to live insanely to live' . ' it's good to let your hair down sometimes ' . What the hell (pardon my Spanish) does that mean.. take off my jacket and do the pole dance on the bar top or what? ..yeah right! get foxed, I think is what she meant.
I knew she was piqued by other things, so I gave in and went for A drink and let loose my ears(but no pole dance).

I understand the need to unwind, I know how to let my hair down (..maybe not all the way.. I sound defensive).
But I think we each have different solutions for that. But my way is not her way. .. it's more like eating a whole tub of ice-cream while watching Brad Pitt in Troy :)

Aug 27, 2009

My 'hyper' child Story

My youngest is hyper. Constantly moving, even when he's standing still, he's literally 'dancing' on the spot. Ever so often we wonder how to run down the batteries. They’re way better than Energizers. They’re way too long lasting and don’t seem to need recharging. He falls asleep later than when he gets into bed. What keeps him going, It’s not sugar that’s for sure, he never ever tires.

My theory is that his constant movement keeps him recharged like a dynamo. You know why, because when he’s punished and made to sit still or stand still, he can actually fall asleep there on the spot .. quite amazing ..and that’s because like the dynamo, he’s not able to charge !

He loves cars. At the age of four, he discovered the wonder of a book. The book was the steering wheel of his imaginary car. (I suppose one has to begin somehow!) He would use any book, hold it in his two little hands like a steering wheel and ‘drive’ around the house with appropriate sound effects of course. Apparently he behaved in true form at the kindergarten too . The pre-school teacher complained to me that at reading time he had all the kids following his example. Of course I’d have a chat with him I said, but secretly I thought, that must have been an amusing sight to see... traffic jam in the nursery class.

Anyway 4 years later I’m glad to say, he’s getting into the hang of actually reading books on his own without me having to drive him to it (no pun of course)..

Aug 26, 2009

Inspiration and an answer

Elizabeth Mahlou's blog is inspiring. Her self-discoveries and her actions encourages the 'doing'(i.e. walk the talk).
I had a question in my earlier post 'Is it wrong if I can't forget even though I forgive'.
After reading Elizabeth's post
Blest Atheist: Monday Morning Meditation #5

the answer ... it's true forgiveness only if you forget.

Perfect Existence

What is the perfect life,
the 'ever after' of a fairy tale?
No pain, no strife,
no sweat, no ail.
What to do with all that happiness,
but to seek more not less,
adventure in the silly
to weather reality.

Are we ever satisfied?
With eyes opened, look outside.
So much need, venture into the reality.
Poverty and loneliness, it's rampant.
Reach out, step up, you will see.
Plant a seed, make something happen.

Dwell not that life can be better,
but that our existence will matter.

(HA - 2009)

Aug 25, 2009

Work of Your Hands

I never thought myself much of an artist or crafter but I can safely say it is possible and not that difficult to hand make stuff once you find your own niche.
I got into creating crystal bracelets just when I was carrying my third child. I had a super-stressful job and I needed to do something to de-stress. I dislike sewing, I always thought I would never have the patience to complete time-taking tasks like stitching.. sometimes I think I wasn't born to be domestic.

Anyway, I started with crystal craft - I learnt to make a bracelet with crystals (Swarovsky kind- see pix). I recall a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment when I completed my first piece. It was my creation. I moved on to other simple jewellery designs but still had a problem with the more complicated ones, but I was happy enough with what I was able to nicely turn out on my own.

I then turned to card making and for a few years now, I have had no need to buy a greeting card or a Christmas card. There is no feeling quite like offering someone a unique creation of your own making.
For those who bake I think you know what I mean.

It is one of the few ways I de-stress, and it is a calming exercise. Breathe, enjoy, and just focus on creating something with your mind and your hands.

Aug 23, 2009

Forgive & Forget; a child's right to anger?

Good age-old wisdom says - Forgive and Forget. The consequence is release, relief and peace.

Is it wrong if I can't forget even though I forgive.
Is it wrong if I can't forgive but forget mostly and just once in a while I remember.
Sometimes we preach what we ourselves find hard to practise. We're not saints, takes a while but we probably are able to in the long run - forgive but not really forget.

Children do not have this concept of forgive and forget. They just forget mostly and the wrong-doer rarely remembers the wrong to bother his conscience. And if they do suffer from anothers' actions, it's not about forgiving but just moving on whether they get an apology or not. Their experiences with wrong and right are (supposedly mostly) simpler.

While this piece of wisdom is meant to help unload baggage, we (adults) use it in another way too, though we may not realise it. To us, this right to withhold forgiveness is like our special power; it somehow gives us a vindictive hold over the person who has hurt us (it'll be on his conscience); it acts as a sort of coping mechanism for our anger in the short run (it helps us control the need to lash out). We rationalise it. In the long run it becomes baggage.

But what of a child - who is not capable of this rationale nor grasp the concepts of forgiveness or conscience or guilt, what does he do when he is so troubled by someone and not able to forget or move on? Either lash out at the one who hurt them or at the ones around them.
It's quite difficult to explain to them about forgiveness - seems incomprehensible, illogical. So how do we help them cope? Adults can handle some baggage, but I don't think a child should have any. If they cannot confront the wrong-doer, the only solution seems to be let them lash out and then address the actions or comments as they unfold.

My earlier post Emotions on the subject was about similar questions, I think the question buzzing in my head is, how to teach a child not to hate (even if he's justified).

Aug 21, 2009

Did you know?

Did you know the world wide web is a European invention ?

Aug 20, 2009

Bread in Vogue

Lately I seem to be reading about Bread in all forms among the blogs and emails - different grains, different gourmet recipes and the biblical type. Two days ago someone in the office said they had bought a machine and brought samples of their creation - raisin and walnut bread...

Is it bread season?

...amazing job ladies, the work of your own hands..

Aug 19, 2009

Family - the Most Beautiful Tree you can have but the Hardest Seed to Grow.

There’s a concern that there are not enough marriages and not enough children being produced. The government produced commercials for the awareness of family (touching on the filial issue, companionship). Are the people that produced the campaign shining examples, how many children do they have ?.
You have to walk the talk on this topic, to be able to genuinely communicate this.
Will incentives produce the right fruit? What do the campaigns do? It is not a new concept, it‘s not a travel destination – it s a lifetime commitment..

There’s lots of talk of work-life balance (plus family) but is there action? Who is expected to act? The mother, the father, the gov’t or the employer? 10 days leave, exams, CA. well, there’s only 24 hours in a day, and even if we don’t need sleep, the kids need at least 10 hours.. Talk is cheap, living is costly (unless you’re willing to forgo some of the ‘living’ .. now there’s the irony ). Quality ? Let’s not go there.

There’s much more to ‘living’ today than yesterday and that is likely the main issue.
Cost of living today is not equal to yesteryears.
Young people want to live well and enjoy life. What does having a family entail giving up ? – A lot. Teaching them not be selfish is one thing, but teaching selflessness, that’s another thing that today’s distracting world makes more difficult.

Is there quality family time to savour today? The perceived future of young persons will mirror their past and will be summed up in order of proportion as labour, cost, entertainment/leisure and a small portion to whatever- is- family.
Examples, experiences and expectations of modern society and family provide other hindrances to both young men and women alike.
{The father owns the ‘family’ car, his time is more his own; a mother does not seem to have that ‘luxury’. Dad works so hard, doesn’t get to enjoy much?] It doesn’t help to hear their parents explain limitations due to financial obligations and sacrifices.

You can tell by rising teenage and unwanted pregnancies; stories of family basics(issue of filial piety) gone wrong that family commitment even for todays’ 2nd generation parent is a challenge. Of course, there is the root of evils - money, be it cause or consequence.
You could turn it into a religious or moral issue here – purpose of life, vocation , higher calling etc.
We know it’s tough, are they capable of what’s required. It’s not about planning and plotting.

Wanting a family involves selflessness, it is about desire for constant companionship, a home and a desire for children. It’s about feeling whole. How do you force warmth or love?
Possibly most can understand this, but then having a family is a big question of readiness.

Sure, you can help the process of meeting for those who desire that path in life. But pushing for kids is an entirely different matter.

The ideal campaign ground is within the family of today.
So aptly put by the Minister – you ‘can’t legislate love’.

Aug 18, 2009

Change - When will it happen?

I'm tired of waiting, tired of the wariness
I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired for the kids.
Just so tired.
Like a virus it hovers in the air, around us, just buzzing.
So immature, he will not change.
So many things to undo, to improve,
to remedy and heal, to repair.
I don't know the speed of progress or the destination.
Will it be better or worse?
Is this the right path? Will it help?
Am I too late? Is it the right time?
Is this 'chance' a waste of time?
When can I begin?

I'm just stressed and rambling.

Don't doubt. Be strong. Stay the course

I Finally Learnt To Swim

Wanting to swim was one of the few things I had dreamt about being able to do for a long, long time. I wasn't lucky enough to learn while growing up. I had attempted to learn with a friend of mine like 20 years back but both of us did not manage to learn and sort of gave up and thought probably impossible...
As a working mom, I tend to prioritize time to everything and everyone else before my wants or needs and that too provides an excuse to procrastinate.

An opportunity came again with a bigger group about 9 yrs ago (someone had introduced a swimming instructor), but I was expecting my third child then, so I had an excuse not to. There were about 6 colleagues who undertook lessons. What amazed me soon after, was that within like 6-7 lessons they were all able to swim and even tread water.
I thought to myself I could have been one of them. I was green with envy and regret.

But then a 3rd opportunity presented itself (the charm as they say), well I had more excuses - 3 kids, less time even. I remembered the earlier bunch. I decided if the earlier lot could it, I could do it too - just make the effort (it’s just 1 night a week for a few weeks, do it for myself).
Finally about 7 years ago, I learnt to swim (really swim!) and tread water. That was a major feat for me.

I need to remind myself constantly that time moves forward, do what you can today, don’t procrastinate. You will be glad for it when tomorrow comes.
I thank God too, the opportunity came looking for me, cos I would not have gone looking for it. Yes, I could have learnt sooner.

Aug 17, 2009

Education System

Some of you know or may have heard about our education system. Requires lots of discipline and is stressful on both parents and child. And this is compounded by the ‘kiasu’ syndrome – everyone sends their kids for additional tuition (those who can’t afford it send them to the various community support groups) .

Locals with kids have migrated because of it, but there are foreigners sending their kids here for it. When I speak to my cousins in Australia, schooling seems like such a breeze for the kids.

There are pros and cons to the system. Leaders at the top are attempting to change it to suit a changing world and supposedly reduce the stress. But I’m not sure if it’s the changing world they should be adapting to or the changing child who is still local. Less rote more creativity, I think that’s the current aim.

Bear in mind that while local parenting styles have changed, to what degree is it widespread, to what degree has it evolved? There is an openness and exchange; kids are exposed to more worldly entertainment and information. But our society mix is pretty diverse. Yes there is a large middle class. Soon there will be a large emigrant class too. Is the child prepared for the new style in school or is it imposed on them because it is assumed they have been exposed to think differently in the home?

The current system appears to be an attempt to have their cake and eat it. The old system had its merits, apparent through some international competitions. It's still a pressure cooker.
There appears to be more information in the syllabus and along with that learning, the child must be able to think application. Previous system adhered to steps, but the current system appears to skip rudiment steps (specific rudiment teaching is missing or has that been classified as rote) and mesh them into the next step (application). Problem sums are so enhanced in the delivery that even adults need to read it more than once. Is it hurried along to meet the additional requirements of the syllabus within the school year. Add to that, let’s not forget between institutions too, there is the ranking system and within schools there is performance pressure. Who’s stressed – everybody.

I started out wanting to talk about keeping my patience while helping my son with his maths homework and in the end I deviated. The reason for holding on to my patience is because the teaching method had not segregated the basic properties(angles on parallel lines) for my son, to learn first and understand. Instead he had gone directly into problem solving and those ‘properties’ are submerged and not apparent to him. I kept asking what are the properties he learnt and he looked at me as if I spoke an alien lingo. This is only one example where basics seem to have been skipped and merged into step 2.
I‘m sure you local parents have similar horror stories about problem sums, but I shall not get into it further.

Aug 16, 2009

Don't mind my age, it's the new 30 I'm told !!

Yesterday was my special day. (I'm acknowledging it, I'm wiser)
My middle child woke me up with a wide smile to wish me. He wanted to be the first.
That made my day. Started well, ended well with the family

Birthdays can be fun if you don’t think about the age 'bit'. I had an earlier celebration with a few friends to cover two of us who were celebrating. This year a friend suggested a rather unique idea to spend time together. We usually meet for dinner after work but instead of just dinner, we spent a half day together at one of their homes, learning to bake cake (most of us were just waiting to eat it) and going through our favourite craft- card crafts and rubber stamps(we get to mess up someone elses' study [kidding.. hope she's not reading this].
It was relaxing and wonderful because it was a time we spent being ourselves. We didn’t speak of work just the things we enjoyed and happily stuffed ourselves (diet tomorrow).

Don't know who said this but I like it.. 'Age is a matter of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter'.

Happy Birthday to all you mothers who have birthdays in August.

Aug 14, 2009

I need a break, but from what ?

I dont't know, and yet I know (u know what I mean??)
Lately I have been preoccupied with talk of the four seasons. Started from my earlier post, 'It must be wonderful', must be to do with a restlessness for change of scenery...and moving my thoughts away from my never-ending to-do-list.
We have but the monsoons, - sun and rain, let's not forget the moon.

Have been looking at photos, some of the blogs with beautiful pix and paintings by artists of old.
So serene, calm, colourful or just white. Some paintings look like the artist had a special secret when he or she painted the scene.
Is there art(not the photographic type) on typhoons or hurricanes?
Devastation we know, we hear, perhaps we do not want to or need to see.

Perhaps I just need a break.
The month of August is an eventful month, that's probably it, like getting older (ughh!)

Aug 13, 2009

Bully in my Backyard

Yesterday I was really worked up. My opinion about a certain person in my life just continues to get re-enforced negatively. I am amazed at how a man who thinks he loves his children and thinks is doing what's best for them, can play mind games with them in order to justify himself.
He is a bully (mildly put).

I am alone but not alone. Some of you may wonder why there is a conspicuous absence of mention of my other half. It is a painful story, a history which I have poured into an earlier blog I created first, the pain is stored there. It has helped me feel and channel my anger and act.
My healing is definitely on its’ way and this is my healing journal. My children will heal. They are resilient, they have each other, ‘always stick together’ is what I tell them. I’m re-learning to be me and my children will learn to be free. (no pity please, courage grows, God helps).

I must be on a roll.
Yesterday I read comments between a man and a woman, that got me upset. It was not about the particulars but the fact is that she is the one 'doing' the doing(not just talking) -looking after the children not him. Sounded like bullying.

Today a local news story. if you follow this link.. about a teacher who's a bully..

And no, I don't hate men (bwhaaha!! as my wonderful friend commented) - I have a great dad, brother and some wonderful brothers-in-laws and friends.

Man or woman there is no excuse in the world that justifies bullying.

"Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke" .Benjamin Disraeli British, Statesman Quotes

"True courage is cool and calm. The bravest of men have the least of a brutal, bullying insolence, and in the very time of danger are found the most serene and free. " Lord Shaftesbury 1671-1713, British Statesman

Left-handers Day

It's left handers day, wow I never knew there was such a day.

Happy left-handers Day.

Wonderful , not for me but for my kids(2 of them).

Aug 12, 2009

Miracle (Project Kyrie)

I am posting this on behalf of Project Kyrie - a modern day miracle event - a project for the poor. No major publicity but through emails and sms.

Kyrie Kitchen was launched on 6 August 2009!

Dear frens,
God has blessed Kyrie Kitchen with abundance and mercy!
We wish to thank all friends of Project Kyrie for responding with boundless generosity!
Everything we needed for the launch, we have received to the finest detail.
Because of you, we are able to launch Kyrie Kitchen to serve the poor and the hungry today. This is indeed a concerted effort of Project Kyrie’s community of friends. A solidarity of love, care and concern for the poor who live amongst us.
On behalf of the poor...
1) Thank you so much for providing the resources and equipment to set up the kitchen in just a few days. 2) Thank you for your monthly pledges of rice, chicken, vegetable, pepper, salt, sauces, peas, fruits and other food items. Every bag of rice, every plate of food served will go a long way in helping the poor.
3) Thank you for contributing to other ingredients for which we had to buy. 4) Thank you for volunteering to prepare, cook, pack, drive and distribute the food. 5) Thank you to restaurants and individuals for adding more meals to our effort so that we will not need to turn away the hungry. 6) Thank you to all, for taking time and effort to contact your network of friends to join in this mission.This is the vision of Project Kyrie coming alive. 7) Thank you also to friends for collaborating with us to distribute used clothes and brand new Croc s sandals.
And.... How does 200 hot meals become 1700 meals within a week?
My 73 year old mother stepped up and said ‘yes’ to feeding the poor and the hungry.
Her desire and courage was only for 200 packs of hot meals twice a month.
A tidal wave of kindness for the poor have swept through this project. Before my mother cooks her 1st hot meal today, we have received monthly pledges from restaurants and individuals to provide vegetable curries and nasi lemak.
A total of 500 extra meals. 200 + 500 = 700 hot meals
One of the locations, we will be serving tomorrow is the blue star dormitory, where 5000 low-waged and under privileged foreign immigrants are living.
Usually many will be turned away hungry when the hot meals run out. A kind and wonderful donor has stepped up to provide 1000 packets of Maggie noodles meal, every time we distribute food for the poor for a year. These would be given to sustain the hungry who would otherwise be turned away without food. So that’s a total of 700 + 1000 = 1700 meals!
\o/\o/\o/ Praise God! He has multiplied our 5 loaves and 2 fishes! He is indeed a God of love, mercy and faithfulness! Last but not least, we need your continuous support to allow this mission to grow and continue in the years to come.

- From Mill Singapore

Aug 11, 2009

The Heart

Have you ever felt it, a squishing of the heart, for your child?

too often ..

The Volcano

The immature man creates drama around ordinary events.
The narcissistic man holds us hostage.
When will it blow?
The fearful man cuts off ties.
Discipline is his noble motto, justified and righteous
Intimidation is the game,
for the good of the future.
To what end?
To be unstable, unforgiving, repressed, intolerant, impatient.
Terror he fills, fear he instills,
He claims for love sake.
Where’s the love, where’s the affection,
no one feels safe.
So much noise, so much hurt
Too much heartache.

No sensitivities only temper.
When will it blow?
The narcissistic man cannot hear.
The immature man cannot see.
He snickers at innocence.
Gentleness is alien to him.

This is the brim.

(HA – Sep 2008)
Out of darkness, we will climb one step and a time…. .

Aug 8, 2009

To Be (Insane) or Not to Be (Sane)

A while back, I decided I would read one of Paulo Coelho's books. Call me prejudiced, but I have a preference for reading books by women rather than men. It's more about the style and thought processes. There is a certain directness in men's writing which is fine depending on the type of novel. For some stories I like to linger and for some I can't wait to know how it ends.

I also must tell you, I hate sad endings but for some strange reason I picked 'Veronika Decides To Die'. The story takes place in Slovenia, did you know it used to be Yugoslavia?

I found it extremely thought-provoking, not sad. It's a very good read, unique in the telling and how it unfolds. It's a little contrary, but there is much about human nature I can identify with.
For those of you who, like me, prefer happy endings, you'll be glad to hear she didn't die in the end.

It's about Veronika, a young girl who wanted to die, she attempted it but failed. She then finds herself in a mental asylum, and again waits to die because that's how she has been diagnosed.
What's intriguing is her journey of discovery; discoveries about herself, her inner experience in the asylum, with other inmates, about the subject of sanity and insanity. While in the asylum she sets herself free and lets go of her inhibitions because as she says " I'm crazy, I'm allowed to do this. I can hate, I can pound away at the piano. Since when have mental patients known how to play notes in the right order?'

Many instances in the story allude to the fact that we would like to behave in some manner that would be considered insane but because of society's expectations we are not free to do so. For Veronika 'she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created for herself'.'

Among the characters, a number of inmates were not-truly-insane, but they were there because 'they looked for the easiest way out; a separate reality'; and remained there for different reasons of security, normalcy and freedom . They are rational enough to say to the nurses " This is a mental hospital. No one is obliged to behave the way you do'. Because of Veronika, the not-truly-insane start to re look at their lives and now think that it is time leave the asylum. One of them, who is released feels she will be better off now in the outside world because she has the license to speak freely, since people know she was in the asylum previously.

As for Veronika, having made discoveries and experiences for herself, she purged her baggage. But, because she believed she only had a few days, Veronika now wished to live.

I have been thinking about it, to pick another of Paulo's books, I hope it will be just as appealing.

Aug 6, 2009

Need to have, Nice to have, Must have

Ever notice how you start off with the basic handphone for your kids because you need them to stay in touch with you. Then it becomes, ‘mum, all my friends can play music on their phones’, so then you ‘upgrade’ when the contract is up(refuse to give in sooner) so they can be on par with ‘all’ their friends.
Our ‘nice to have’ is their ‘must have’. I realize of course there’s a fair amount of exaggeration there when ‘all’ their friends and ‘everyone’ has this or that.

We are not much different (although more controlled) but perhaps for different reasons.
My mobile phone is sufficient I told myself, calls and camera feature was all I needed. Don’t waste money upgrading.
Then it began, ..the latest Nokia series with office functions and web browsing, I said no, don’t need that. – not so compact, keyboard so tiny,
Then my colleagues got it, and ‘showed’ me how wonderful it is. Suddenly I’m thinking, maybe I should take advantage(of the discounts) and upgrade my phone. Yes.. I could put Excel sheets on it, perhaps I could do away with my PDA and do all in one. We start to look for reasons and manufacture more to do the deed (! the evil laugh should sound here).

We all have diversions, routines, little hobbies but then life should be about constant movement and learning so that we continue to live, not just exist.
It’s not about dissatisfaction or keeping up with your neighbour.
Once in a while, we need it - a new ‘event’. The new tech stuff keeps us moving, that new earring gives us anticipation, new recipes keeps us interested - the novelty keeps us going. It doesn’t always have to cost money. We can’t all afford to take regular vacations.

Thank heaven for the little things we can. Because not everyone is lucky to have choices.

Aug 4, 2009

My Teenager

Little by little, I watch her inch out of the circle. Their friends and their outings grow more appealing than together time with the younger siblings.
But of course if it's shopping, there's nothing like time with mom if that teenager is a girl.

What generation gap, it' s the wallet gap lah!!

You want them to be independent yet, want to protect them forever, and keep them at your side. You can only hope that the foundation's sturdy, the bridge holds.. that that communication connection you've built, will be constant despite all else. Being mom means being their always no matter what, hope she will trust with all things. She's seen more and heard more than I did at this age, is she wiser? That's hard to say, because from all that exposure, there is much information and more expression to discern and sort.

Fortunately and unfortunately, we mothers of the young generation today are a different breed from our own mothers, because of our evolved lives, we are somehow still 'younger at heart', involved in both the complex webs of our own lives and children's. Events and interests overlap in many areas so much so that non-interaction is quite impossible; constrained only by the time we are at work and they in school. We help them with maths, they teach us Xbox.

Study is always tough work..but she is strong and manages to push herself along.
She can be protective of her brothers but she is still capable of getting into a cat and dog fight with the youngest fellow.

I'm not in a hurry for her to 'grow up' yet but it seems like girls just do that faster anyhow.

...don't like this...

Gaia(Journeyofasinglemum) wrote this question in her post 'How do I not disappoint?'
Ever since I read it, I've been thinking about it(like a bee flitting in and out) - as in have I disappointed my children?

I'm thinking do the kids understand the concept? Perhaps not the younger one.
What do they expect of me ?
Do I want to pose the question or ferret it out of from daily dealings ?
Would I want to hear the answer?

I suppose like all things we should be aware of to improve their lives. It might not improve mine!

But do I want to know?

Not today.

Aug 3, 2009


...we have to let go sometime and sometimes we just cannot be beside them...

Inner Struggles

I walked once with shoulders down
My head up in the haze.
My thoughts not on home
but on work, in hollow cheer.
Burdened yet unfazed
I hid there,
it was easier.

I looked at my children.
I saw.
The pain,
it started to seep in.
They too hid
in school and at home.
I prayed for the cure,
that pain would go away.
How much more to endure?

The stress,
instead it grew, more not less,
desperation and despair.
When would change come?
Pain then anger.
Anger to energy, it moved me.
Why did I linger?

The silence from within,
My head felt, my heart heard,
all that was hidden.
Why did we abide?
Hope, compassion…
don’t be foolish, think of them,
put it aside.

I will be brave,
I will not fear,
Grant me strength
to persevere.

(HA –June 2009)

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