Assert assert assert...

I'm learning things about myself in the next phase where I'll have to take risks with the law and force myself to do things I am not comfortable with. I am still afraid because the law does not always seem to be on my side until all things are iron clad and clear cut. 
Ok so I'm a nice person, and you really have to push me to the edge before I can stay mean and act mean with you.  As much as I hate my ex for all the pain and suffering, I cannot hate his mother who is in the middle.

There is a property that needs to be sold owned by both of my ex and I but which is currently being occupied by his mother-in-law and him for most of the time when he is not skulking in the home that we occupy. We had purchased it at a point in time when she had no place to go and he did not want her staying with us ( nice son huh?). That house has to be sold first and so a valuation needs to be done. A valuation means I need to get access to the house. Eventhough it has been our property, because it was the mother-in law, I never sought to make a key. We were not charging her rent while we both paid for it, and he (ex) was helping her to upkeep the house and in the last few years, he stayed there  instead of the current home before he filed.

There is a grey area when something is shared or not absolutely cut and dry(in this case the house is in both our names) where the law is concerned and yet I seem to always put myself in the position of defense rather than offense. My ex is stalling on this and I have waited a month. I'm trying to play by the 'nice' rules, give notice and sufficient time for him to act, let his mum know that a valuer will be by. He could have arranged it before me but he didn't. So I have to act. The cops do not say I'm in the right nor am I in the wrong if I have to force my way into the house to get the valuation done, perhaps I should go back to court to force an order.

There were many scenarios playing out in my head, if the occupants had opened the door but stopped me, I would have had to call the police and created more of a scene which made me uncomfortable but that was what asserting myself would have entailed. I kept thinking about his reactions and the possible consequences.
My concern was, can he file a complaint against me if I did something. Between the advise of the lawyer and the police, it seems it is my right as owner to enter the premises by whatever means.  If the police can't advise me against it or suggest the best way, it means it boils down to just me ensuring I can justify it and cover all the bases. Call the police ONLY if there is trouble caused. And so after much thought, and much pressure to not waste my off day and the valuer's time, I called in a locksmith. Thank God the locksmith and the valuer were understanding of my predicament. I can't seem to think of using the grey to my advantage.

I did all the right things, he was notified earlier,  there was a 2 hour waiting period,  I waited, I knocked, I called and still no one was home (so it seemed).  So I made a decision, get a locksmith, got the valuer to come back  Again I checked with the police and what they were not saying was 'I could not do it', and I even suggested for an officer to observe but they said no, just call if there is trouble.  So here I am on the offense.

Lo and behold, after we got the doors open and then the room doors which were also locked, we find my mother-in-law hiding in the room. Was she advised by her son that we would be coming, did she hear us knock, did she hear the phone ring.... NO NO NO... she said she needed to call her son, and the first thing out of her mouth on the phone was , 'they come into the house already '. I pity the poor woman and what her son has / is putting her through ( to lie on his behalf). 

He has to sell it as well and it has nothing to do with the clarification, so what is his game? He wants control of the sale? He was aware I would be there today and had told his mum not to answer the door or the phone and keep all the windows and curtains closed.

My lawyer, for the sake of me showing  MEAN, would have me banging down the door without any notice or preamble but to show I am the owner and I can do anything I want'. I'm advised I can't be soft, 'assert' she says, but I argue it's not about asserting it's about ensuring I am not doing anything illegal.  It feels that her definition of assertiveness is creating a scene to demand, but I realise she does not always give me the right advise where the grey area is concerned, because not all angles are explored, and that makes me uncomfortable. I'm so used to doing stuff in a 'civilized' manner, I have never had to call the police or think of using force in any situation before and now my ex has forced me to enter that arena, because he can't do anything amicably even if it is to both our benefit.  I think about it, but I can't just take his clothes and throw it out. I also keep thinking that one of the side effects will be stress on the kids if it's something they witness.

I had to do what I had to do, I can't stall or I will be out of funds to support the current roof over my head. The ex is playing games with the maintenance orders at the moment claiming that he is pending clarification. I'm trying to think of it as a adventure in assertiveness training. 
If you are not born with 'mean', it's hard to find it in you even after years of abuse.

Sorting out Loose ends...

Unfortunately until I am able to sell this house and move out with the kids, I will not see the back of my ex.  My youngest grows impatient waiting for the move. There are a few hurdles to get over and I will have to use the courts again to clear the sale should my ex create more delays and thwart the orders, in the process.

I am advised to push through and I will.

The biggest part is over, I know I can do what needs to be done next. It's a lot of planning and formulating and meeting with the banks and looking at new homes.

Because of the appeal I believe my ex intends to put through, I still am wary although I'm told not to worry. I've seen his actions translate to whining in the past 6 months on paper and while I'm closer to understanding how the courts read this, I am still going to be paranoid as long as he is under the same roof and looking over our shoulders for the slightest incident to twist and spin.

He is still going to try his damndest to be a thorn in my side but I am going to use the courts and the police for the slightest reason that he gives me to ensure he understands I am standing my ground and that he does not intimidate me any longer.

If you have included me in your prayers, please continue cos it 's not over and  peace is the goal for all of us and I thank you.

Finally done....

I thank God that it is over . The kids stay with me for the most part although of course there are the alternate weekends.
I can move forward on getting a new home, what a relief.  The property sale will take at least a few months to settle but  at least we are moving.

Most of it is in my favour. So of course the ex is not happy and he claims he will appeal.

Somehow I am less worried about it, because if he intends to display the same insane behaviour, he's not going to make any progress but rather work against himself.

There are complications as to how I going to tackle the settlements but one step at a time, but I'll weather it. It all depends on his cooperation or otherwise if he hopes to delay because of his appeal. I'll just have to use the judicial system to push it.

Thank you Lord, I can finally move forward.

Just thinking .............

I wrote Keep It Together more than a year ago and as I re-read it I think to myself 'thank God that I have'.

There has been little fair play on the X's part, creating storms of paranoia blowing hot and cold and I have weathered them all thus far. Will he continue? I'll have to wait and see.

Faith has grown deep and my prayer is no longer a wail.  And as I wait the final day I feel a sense of sorrow, not panic (not yet) over all that has gone, all that has been invested, these past 20 years.
There is a change in the children too, a kind of strength that is mature and yet sometimes falters.
But it is more present than it used to be.

Time does heal all wounds in time or at least eases the pain.

What does it really mean for them, is still hard to define.
I wait to move forward.

Time to do and think

It's the Chinese New Year holiday, and while I am not Chinese, I enjoy these holidays because it's the only time when it's a two days public holiday and this year it means a good long 4 day weekend.

I get one day to relax, the last day that is and the rest of it to spend with the kids and the family. At the back of my mind, I am consciously counting the days (7..) to the final court day.

I'm keeping myself busy, planning my son's birthday that's coming up next week and occupying myself and them with extra language exercises that they need. The boys unfortunately have a hard time getting into reading books of any kind. They've both got two years to prepare for major exams one for PSLE(to secondary) and one for the O levels. I'm trying out other methods to boost their vocabulary if  I can't force the reading. 

An interesting nugget from M Scott Peck's "Road Less Travelled'  -
Love is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well. I it judicious praising and judicious criticizing. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting..................requires thoughtful and often painful decisionmaking.

Loving my daughter the best way I know how...

The new year has brought with it changes and new experiences and more to come.

I have been nudging my teenage girl to venture out on her own as in getting out into the world of adults and interacting whether it be voluntary work with the SPCA or getting a part time job during the academic breaks.  Relevant experience ? Well that's a side benefit but more importantly is the experience of responsibility, interaction and of the unknown  that is non-academic and non-familial. 

Sometimes I think it's easy to fall into lethargy,  Finally she's started to get into it and getting at it.

Not quite an introvert yet not an extrovert either, I feel she needs to push her boundaries and get out of her very comfortable zones She needs to less fearful of trying, sometimes I think she needs to live a little more than she is compared with other teenagers. 
Is it a consequence of her nature or a consequence of the family situation that has unfolded, I honestly cannot say,  but I do want the best for her and she needs to take those steps for herself. 

If there is the opportunity for her to go further away to study, she'll need that experience and some courage for independence.
I suppose I'm trying to ensure she will not have some of the regrets I have over how I lived or was allowed to live my younger years.

Welcoming the new..

I'm glad 2011 is over, I would not want to relive it again ever.

I'm looking forward to moving away from the old and tired feelings and thoughts. Christmas and the New Year's eve went by with lots of hugs and greetings and it was 85% peaceful, what more can I ask for.

I'm looking forward to what's to come, lots of challenges but then what does one expect when one is beginning anew. A month more to go before the evil X is out of my hair. I can only pray there are no more surprises.

Here's one new area of interest I started on lately, it's got to do with crystals - vibrations, cleansing energy, healing and so on.... . It's all natural, nothing 'woo hoo' about it or supernatural.  It's not about diamonds or expensive stones: no in fact, many are not that rare and they don't have to b polished to be effective.

A friend had introduced me to the use of certain stones (black tourmaline, Amethyst) which I took on based on my friendship with her. Initially, she did not explain what they were for but merely asked me to place them near me or in certain places and observe and be aware.

I realized I felt less of those feelings of of fatigue. There used to be a sense of knowing and yet not doing or forestalling and even a sleeping sort of wakefulness but since then I have regained a greater sense of  alertness particularly in the house and less of the sluggishness which seems to dog me when I am in the house. I began to understand what my friend was telling me without telling me.
I went to do some research.


All this time I put it down to hormones or age or just work fatigue. So maybe there' is a lot more in the environment around me than my naive mind is willing to consider.

The use of crystals in healing and for protection is grounded in the energy and vibration of the natural earth and it's not a religious concept. So I'm looking at it this way,  prayer and faith are weapons but perhaps for my part I can help this battle on another front with the help of natural aids to enhance protection or block the bad energy.
I'm experimenting, and still reading up on this, it's fun and interesting. There is no harm to come from it, if anything there will be positive contribution. 

 A bountiful 2012 to all, wishing all love and peace.