Just thinking .............

I wrote Keep It Together more than a year ago and as I re-read it I think to myself 'thank God that I have'.

There has been little fair play on the X's part, creating storms of paranoia blowing hot and cold and I have weathered them all thus far. Will he continue? I'll have to wait and see.

Faith has grown deep and my prayer is no longer a wail.  And as I wait the final day I feel a sense of sorrow, not panic (not yet) over all that has gone, all that has been invested, these past 20 years.
There is a change in the children too, a kind of strength that is mature and yet sometimes falters.
But it is more present than it used to be.

Time does heal all wounds in time or at least eases the pain.

What does it really mean for them, is still hard to define.
I wait to move forward.

Time to do and think

It's the Chinese New Year holiday, and while I am not Chinese, I enjoy these holidays because it's the only time when it's a two days public holiday and this year it means a good long 4 day weekend.

I get one day to relax, the last day that is and the rest of it to spend with the kids and the family. At the back of my mind, I am consciously counting the days (7..) to the final court day.

I'm keeping myself busy, planning my son's birthday that's coming up next week and occupying myself and them with extra language exercises that they need. The boys unfortunately have a hard time getting into reading books of any kind. They've both got two years to prepare for major exams one for PSLE(to secondary) and one for the O levels. I'm trying out other methods to boost their vocabulary if  I can't force the reading. 

An interesting nugget from M Scott Peck's "Road Less Travelled'  -
Love is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well. I it judicious praising and judicious criticizing. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting..................requires thoughtful and often painful decisionmaking.

Loving my daughter the best way I know how...

The new year has brought with it changes and new experiences and more to come.

I have been nudging my teenage girl to venture out on her own as in getting out into the world of adults and interacting whether it be voluntary work with the SPCA or getting a part time job during the academic breaks.  Relevant experience ? Well that's a side benefit but more importantly is the experience of responsibility, interaction and of the unknown  that is non-academic and non-familial. 

Sometimes I think it's easy to fall into lethargy,  Finally she's started to get into it and getting at it.

Not quite an introvert yet not an extrovert either, I feel she needs to push her boundaries and get out of her very comfortable zones She needs to less fearful of trying, sometimes I think she needs to live a little more than she is compared with other teenagers. 
Is it a consequence of her nature or a consequence of the family situation that has unfolded, I honestly cannot say,  but I do want the best for her and she needs to take those steps for herself. 

If there is the opportunity for her to go further away to study, she'll need that experience and some courage for independence.
I suppose I'm trying to ensure she will not have some of the regrets I have over how I lived or was allowed to live my younger years.

Welcoming the new..

I'm glad 2011 is over, I would not want to relive it again ever.

I'm looking forward to moving away from the old and tired feelings and thoughts. Christmas and the New Year's eve went by with lots of hugs and greetings and it was 85% peaceful, what more can I ask for.

I'm looking forward to what's to come, lots of challenges but then what does one expect when one is beginning anew. A month more to go before the evil X is out of my hair. I can only pray there are no more surprises.

Here's one new area of interest I started on lately, it's got to do with crystals - vibrations, cleansing energy, healing and so on.... . It's all natural, nothing 'woo hoo' about it or supernatural.  It's not about diamonds or expensive stones: no in fact, many are not that rare and they don't have to b polished to be effective.

A friend had introduced me to the use of certain stones (black tourmaline, Amethyst) which I took on based on my friendship with her. Initially, she did not explain what they were for but merely asked me to place them near me or in certain places and observe and be aware.

I realized I felt less of those feelings of of fatigue. There used to be a sense of knowing and yet not doing or forestalling and even a sleeping sort of wakefulness but since then I have regained a greater sense of  alertness particularly in the house and less of the sluggishness which seems to dog me when I am in the house. I began to understand what my friend was telling me without telling me.
I went to do some research.


All this time I put it down to hormones or age or just work fatigue. So maybe there' is a lot more in the environment around me than my naive mind is willing to consider.

The use of crystals in healing and for protection is grounded in the energy and vibration of the natural earth and it's not a religious concept. So I'm looking at it this way,  prayer and faith are weapons but perhaps for my part I can help this battle on another front with the help of natural aids to enhance protection or block the bad energy.
I'm experimenting, and still reading up on this, it's fun and interesting. There is no harm to come from it, if anything there will be positive contribution. 

 A bountiful 2012 to all, wishing all love and peace.

A new Christmas feeling...

The chaos within me has abated,  I am adapting and learning to deal with the conflicts and the anxiety of having my children's time monopolized and manipulated by my ex.  The kids are old enough, they make their own choices.  The final decisions will not be made for another month and a half and I am abiding my time.. I have stopped being and feeling defensive to my ex's whining (through his lawyer). The main  thing I focus on is what is in the child's interest. I'll do what I need to do then, if it's not.

Now and then, the anger leaks in and I have a momentary lapse of wanting to lash out but it's under control. I've put him and his shenanigans out of my mind. After this year, I have come to realise I depend on him for nothing that is necessary.

Patience, humility, tolerance .. these run top of  mind and that seems to help alot but forgiveness, that's not possible yet. I trust that truth will win out.

This Christmas is a new beginning for me. More than ever, I appreciate the family I have and the love that we share and I am grateful to God for his many blessings and lessons.

I wish all bloggers and readers a beautiful Christmas peace and a good New Year ahead.

A Self reflection; learning to live honestly

The last quarter always sees more family occasions. I realize recently that my attitude to attending events that bring me in closer contact with relatives has changed and for the better – I'm less apprehensive and less calculating in my thoughts of what might be asked and how I might respond where my ex is concerned.

They must have noticed his absence from social functions for many years now. Not strange then, they have stopped asking me about it or him. 

I feel more open in my thoughts, there is less or hardly that sense of being imperfect or defensiveness  that I used to ‘arm ‘ myself with when going to these family affairs.

I suppose it would be called coming to terms with what has always been and what it will be and what it actually is today.

I want to be the person in charge of me again.

Who am I or was I trying to satisfy, why pretend?

Society is not perfect and as I sat in the living room of my brother's in-laws and the families a couple of weeks ago, I thought, everyone has issues,  I don't judge them, why should they judge me.

Why do we love ourselves less and not see our weakness as our humanness that is forgivable by God and yet not by ourselves? Do we set higher standards for being who we should be?

Waiting for Joy

It's been an exhausting few weeks, mentally more than anything.
I can't wait for everything to be over and to have my X out of my face. It will be soon,  looking forward to the joy of living.  The children are impatient too but I think they are handling it better than I am. In fact they play the 'game' quite well.  They seem almost stoic about  their father's behaviour, which is escalating in terms of the show of power and aggression. They do not want me confronting him. I have to wait it out.
He thinks he's winning, well he can have his illusion.

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My latest diversion is reading Eric Fromm, it's seriously tough text to follow but here and there there is light on particular subjects of interest. Here's something I want to remember particularly from his discussion....I keep trying to imagine how and what it would be/feel like in this ultimate situation of true Joy.

Eric Fromm writes about the difference between joy and pleasure and that what God wants for us is Joy as a virtue of living in the mode of being. Pleasure is transient, momentary and a product of possessions and the need to have.

Master Eckhart's thinking interprets it such.."When God laughs at the soul and the soul laughs back at God, the persons of the Trinity are begotten..
...when the Father laughs to the son and the son laughs back to the Father, that laughter gives pleasure, that pleasure gives joy, that joy gives love and love gives the persons [of the Trinity] of which the Holy Spirit is one. .................
Joy, then, is what we experience in the process of growing nearer to the goal of becoming oneself"