Life - like a carnival

Stepping into colours and sights,
sounds, smells, noise and wild movement.

Exhilaration and excitement unfurls, 

where to begin, what to try, which to sample.

Slowly the atmosphere soaks in, we warm up,
the game stalls beckon,

look at those soft toys, a sigh, not easy,  we move on.

Check out the carousel, how many rides,

just get on, let's not get off at all,

round and round,  easy and breezy, 

round and round, up and down,

Are we free, feels whimsical, 

can we toss the worries,

can I stay forever on my white horse.

Cotton candy puffs and popcorn smells, let’s get some.

We’re done,  it’s time to get the heart pumping.

Do we ride the roller coaster or the magic carpet?

Upside down or a real fast drop, what a choice, both or one.

We scream at the top of our lungs, breathing hard,

gripping the sides, knuckles straining out.

One more time, now with eyes open

we do it again, the speed demon takes over.

More exhilarated, eyes bright, minds giddy,

we rush on to the magic carpet.

Heart and stomach lost in transit, shot straight down, 

we come out and down, happily dazed.

Looking up, there looms ahead a glittering Ferris wheel.

Slowly and steadily, it seems to call. 

Let’s get to the top of the world. 

Will we ever get there? 

Another round, another shot at the top.

Slow and steady, in and out, we breathe in the clear air,
as we make our way.

Finally,  we are back down to earth, 

and it’s time to take leave.

Goodnight to lights, noise, smells and sights.

We're done now,
childhood, to youth, to grey.

(HA-8/11)

250th Post

250 posts and crawling.. ... I celebrated 150 posts in October last year, somewhere along the way I hit 200 and didn't celebrate.

I'm still writing, and I am glad. It's been a trouble-filled first half of year for me and a trying one for the kids. My hobby time is seriously compromised and I'm aching to get back to it. But the kids and this drama are taking a toll.

Writing helps, taking my mind off and into other modes of thoughts helps to keep some form of balance ...to be objective and think about what is important. I have been going back over some of what I have written and there are many reminders and lessons that show that time heals different wounds.
In many of them, I  seem to be talking to me!

I think a good posting average would be 1 a week, if I can keep up that is. I started in June 2009, so I think I'm doing OK.

http://mothersalways.blogspot.com/2010/03/stand-tall.html

Divorce Coach | A Narcissist Will Not Cease and Desist!

I came across this blog through's Mandy's blog sincemydivorce.com.. and there's a picture close to my reality..I did marry a narcissist..This is what stresses me out, will he desist?

Divorce Coach | A Narcissist Will Not Cease and Desist!

That time of the month...

This is a post that only women CAN understand.  I haven't hit 50 yet,  I keep thinking that instead of getting better during THAT time of the month, it feels worse. .. hormones !!!!
Today this is how I feel, my body feels like it has aged 20years or more and my eyes feel like my brain is squishing down on it and my joints feel stiff and sore (like I'm 90 though I have no idea how a 70 year old feels either).  It's like overnight,  someone took my body and replaced it with some old cranked up worn down body.  That SUMS IT UP.

But thankfully usually and HOPEFULLY, it's over within a couple of days, but it's horrible when you can't take off and you have to sit in the office and work and smile like everything is normal, FINE and DANDY.

The primrose isn't helping.!

Fresh

 

I stepped out this morning

the earth smelt fresh, washed,

very little was stirring

even the sun seemed abashed,

hidden behind veils of white,

not a human sound

nor one in sight.

Then, further down the road,

an engine, a gnawing drone

dogs awaken in their abode

I am no longer alone.

The newspaper arrives,

hear the barks come alive.

What news brings the day

houses rouse, raps and thuds,

a cool breeze whispers, leaves sway,

alone, me and my thoughts.

(HA 08/11)

Having and being

As I read Eric Fromm's book I think about what's happening now, with the children in the middle.

Is my ex's goal to have the kids, to have power over them or is it because he truly loves them?  In this phase of 'no man's land' for the kids I have decided that I will do what is best for them (not back away, I can't do that to the kids), but at the same time I will not worsen the tense situations the ex creates.
To him it is about control and power and who wins, that's the way it has always been. There has never been gentleness or compassion before now, yet he displays it now in a very restrained fashion. I read the 'disbelief' in the kids' faces but I know they play a survivor's game, almost like 'keep the brute happy so he keeps calm'.

They have attempted to speak and he walks over them. Soon it will be settled and I have to be patient and so will they. He makes comments to the boys about what he believes I feel or what I'm doing to thwart him. All I'm doing is trying to balance their relax time and outing time. But the ex has strange thoughts that I'm manipulating them, when it is he who seems to be doing that on his time with the boys.
I know this because the boys convey some of these strange statements and comments my ex makes. 

He tries to grab as much of the public holiday time and keep the boys out all day.  The kids grumble to me but the boys have to speak up for themselves and I hope they find the courage to do it eventually.
It took me years, I cannot expect more from them.

Matt 14:27,31  

“Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ......

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Retreats should effect a positive change for you while not creating new burdens for others.

Beware 'retreats' that are all about you. Somebody talked to me about attending a retreat a short while ago. The retreat was about clearing one's own baggage, dropping past negatives and finding peace on a straight unencumbered road forward.

Interesting thing about it was that it was not a spiritual or a religious-based retreat but a secular one. But what it also included (one of the many outcomes perhaps) was some form of confession (opening yourself) as part of the cleansing process to someone who had a negative impact on your life. To clear that blockage so that you can proceed to love that someone fully and immerse your self in their lives more fully rather than keeping that distance you came to realise that you kept.

I had heard from someone who had attended this retreat and what struck me, what was off here was, would they be hurting someone else(elders) by bringing up something they( eg your parents) might then be bothered with.  Shouldn't it be done without passing the burden, rather to face yourself and put it in the past.  Confess for your desired change if you must, speak of it but do not lay the cause at another's feet so it may burden them. If they cannot do anything about it now, why create issues where none were for others. So the handling of that should be delicate too, does the retreat address that or does it just 'sell' the participant to do what is needed for themselves and 'all will be well'.

The outcome of your actions is to work for you but think of the consequences of your actions on others too.