Wading through rough waters ..........

I'm glad the old year is gone. We caught some great fireworks last night, that was a small consolation to make up for the lack of a family gathering to spend the eve with. We had our own little party, chips, marshmallows and wine for the toast.
 
How do we shake thoughts we don't want to have ? Temptation thrives on the weaknesses that we have and adds fuel to these thoughts and they just persist. Lately old bad memories of the earlier years have been invading my thoughts and they are sadly (and ironically) triggered by happy recall of memories among the family members. Why can't I get over them ?

I keep reminding myself, no one owes us a living, it's up to us to live our lives and make what is needed of it.
Yet because of the season, probably because I keep dwelling on what is to come and what is yet to be settled, I feel  a little hollow and alone.

I'm trying to ignore it and put it aside; to keep a positive face for the kids. It is tiring. Envy and self-pity seem to be rearing their heads and I feel like withdrawing from happy company. I am very conscious of them but the thoughts seem to be digging their heels in deeper. I pray and perhaps it is not enough. Daily tasks take their toll and I am feeling drained.  Keeping busy is the solution, but that takes energy too.

Kids:
My daughter has been acting up lately - a teenager I expected to have the least issues with.  It's an old argument 'we can't always have what we want' . She has much more than most and yet it's not enough. Why because she forgets everything else that she has when focusing on the something that she wants and cannot get. Why do they always dwell on what they have not rather than what they have. 
She forgets there will be more expenses to come when she moves on to the next stage of higher learning.
I keep thinking, she is lucky, I am not my mother. But I will not over-compensate either.

The two boys well they are their usual selves.  It's like they take turns (I should be grateful) to act up.

Count your blessings.

Family

Need a Break!

Half a family, that’s what it feels like.

If I had to give a point of view, I would discourage mixed marriages (religion wise) for this as one reason. My ex is not a Catholic.

This season, as I made my rounds with immediate family, what I realized is missing and have always missed is that extended family fellowship which my brother and sister enjoy with their in laws who are all Catholics. This Christmas it seemed to have hit me hardest probably because of the circumstances. We are like half a family.

It’s not just religion, but the fact is the in laws have been missing from the picture since the beginning of time. This is due to the nature of the relationship already existing prior to my entrance onto that different planet of my ex’s existence. Which goes to show you, when one is young the sign posts of life can glare you in the face and yet they are invisible.

It should not matter, but sometimes it feels too quiet and I crave that noise of family around me. Silence leaves a lot of room for pondering and wondering and I prefer to avoid that these days.

I’m not sure why I feel depressed, is it hormones or is it that the family’s not around for the New Year’s eve countdown, they have in-laws to be busy with, it’s just me and the kids. And the kids enjoy their cousins who will be busy elsewhere.
And I 'm really thinking, 'how inconsiderate of them, they forgot us, forgot me'... ..ok.. enough of that already move on.  Blame it on circumstances, I'm moody..... ....

think positive..... I’m dragging the kids out of the house tonight, there’s fireworks somewhere at some street party, we’ll go catch that at least, create our own fun (see if I remember how to dance ..) and have our own New Year’s celebration.

A Happy 2011 to all, God grant us peace and his gentle love in the New year.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 2011

It's my second blogging Christmas. And yes, I notice it 's a slow period for posts too.

I wish that was me in the pix above, just  X 2 on the waistline.. .. lol.


It has  been a year to remember in terms of upheavals. Honestly I'm glad it is over, I don't want to relive 2010 if given a choice.

Just wanted to leave you my wishes ..

May the good Lord bless you for your sharing.
May God spread his peace and grant you all his special blessings this season and in the coming New Year.
May He continue to bless our blogs and guide our minds and hearts as we circulate, meet and reach out to others through our posts. May those who are lonely where ever they are, find a blessed hand to reach out to touch them.

Enjoy the 'Carol of the Bells.'.

Love and hugs to all.
A Blessed Christmas and a Joyous New Year to you

I am weary

How many times,

must we take ourselves apart

and put the pieces together again ?

How soon before

our body mended, heart steady

grows instead from strength to strength ?

How often are we to be tested

our minds in a storm

and when can we return to norm ?.

(HA - 12/2010)

We are not Perfect

Why do I feel the need to defend my imperfections ?
We cannot be perfect in whatever we have chosen to do. But we can work hard at it and perform the best we can be. So why worry over what you are not doing right.  Instead, worry how you could do better.

In reading C S Lewis' Screwtape letters, I come to understand a little more about the purpose of our creator.
To fulfill our purpose on earth, we need to make ourselves worthy.
To make ourselves worthy, we need to forget our self.
By forgetting our self, we strive for others and improving their lot.

Truth and honesty is at the basis for all things we do. To others, to ourselves, to God.
What is our motive? Is it self-serving or God-serving? Sometimes the answer may not be so simple or to our liking but it comes down to that fact that we are not perfect and of course, God knows this.

We have weaknesses and our self-consciousness and selfishness keep us from freeing our thoughts totally when speaking to God.
Our temptation is drawn from our inner most wants and 
in Screwtape's(devil) words of instruction to his demon nephew-in-training....
"The simplest is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves. Keep them watching their own minds and trying to produce feelings there by the action of their own wills. When they meant to ask Him for charity, let them, instead, start trying to manufacture charitable feelings for themselves and not notice that this is what they are doing. When they meant to pray for courage, let them really be trying to feel brave. When they say they are praying for forgiveness, let them be trying to feel forgiven. Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling; and never let them suspect how much success or failure of that kind depends on whether they are well or ill, fresh or tired, at the moment."

I am not perfect. Accept it. 

Spring cleaning & reading habits

My last assignment was finally handed in and that weight is off my shoulders. It's time to prepare for Christmas.
It has been a year since I got the 5 ft tree. Last year I put it up alone, this year, the kids will do it.

The rainy season has kicked in too. Christmas is always wet for us, not white.

The personal stuff still weighs heavy on my mind but I am practicing at managing it.  Proceedings are not over yet, a couple of hurdles yet to go over what is called the 'ancillaries.'  But I am less worried over that.

Today saw the slow beginning of spring cleaning. The first are the children's bookshelves. There are so many good books and yet the boys who need to get in the most reading have the toughest time about it. They are not into my definition of 'good' books, they are into beast master,  monster,...  ghost and creature, ..power or action figure fiction.
I end up buying books they will read so that they do read.

Why is it so much harder for boys to read books than girls?

I was thinking maybe I should pay them to read the good books !

I had to make space painfully and so many of these books will have to go to the thrift shop because I know they will never get read at all here. So sad.

The new year will hold many new experiences for us, and keeping those in mind, I am looking forward to it.
Like the rain that washes the air clean, so too the new year will bring us a cleansing of the negative.

Reflecting: I want to put it in the past.

Some of you have an idea but some of you don’t quite know what, just that something is not right in my life. But it doesn’t really matter.
Only that you seem to be there still following my thoughts which lately seem to be as depressing as 'Wuthering Heights'. I thank you for sticking.

There are lots of victims with their stories and each seems to seek solace or answers or help others or just find relief in the telling. I’m not sure what my telling does for anyone. Affirmation, validation I suppose that is why it all began. I was seeking for those in my first blog.  In this my second blog, it’s about recovery and struggle to put myself back together again.

I had not dwelled on being a victim. In my mind I do not want to be one. I just want to get passed it. I began writing about it, because I forgot the incidents and details. Am I so forgiving, or is that what they call nature’s defense mechanism against the problem.
The problem:description  [from previous posts and links with the article on emotional abuse and 'fear to strength'] comes close to a partial representation, add being products of a narcissistic husband and father. No sympathies please.

For myself I realized I cannot remember alot of it, even some of the most horrible showdowns I faced. I had written about some of the situations in the past, here and there on paper (past 20 years), in a notebook ..but not everything , and there is still a missing diary somewhere, I wish I had written more. I suppose it is not surprising that my older son too cannot remember the scariest moment of his life but I remember.

I have learnt that in the writing of it and the record of it especially over the last 2 years(and re-reading),  the reality and frequency and horror of the situations, has helped me acknowledge that we are victims, I am a victim.
Do I have to do more to accept it?  Am I done with it. It has taught me a lot about me. It has taught me what I should not be.  I need to stop second guessing my actions to protect us.

I want to MOVE ON.