Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 2011

It's my second blogging Christmas. And yes, I notice it 's a slow period for posts too.

I wish that was me in the pix above, just  X 2 on the waistline.. .. lol.


It has  been a year to remember in terms of upheavals. Honestly I'm glad it is over, I don't want to relive 2010 if given a choice.

Just wanted to leave you my wishes ..

May the good Lord bless you for your sharing.
May God spread his peace and grant you all his special blessings this season and in the coming New Year.
May He continue to bless our blogs and guide our minds and hearts as we circulate, meet and reach out to others through our posts. May those who are lonely where ever they are, find a blessed hand to reach out to touch them.

Enjoy the 'Carol of the Bells.'.

Love and hugs to all.
A Blessed Christmas and a Joyous New Year to you

I am weary

How many times,

must we take ourselves apart

and put the pieces together again ?

How soon before

our body mended, heart steady

grows instead from strength to strength ?

How often are we to be tested

our minds in a storm

and when can we return to norm ?.

(HA - 12/2010)

We are not Perfect

Why do I feel the need to defend my imperfections ?
We cannot be perfect in whatever we have chosen to do. But we can work hard at it and perform the best we can be. So why worry over what you are not doing right.  Instead, worry how you could do better.

In reading C S Lewis' Screwtape letters, I come to understand a little more about the purpose of our creator.
To fulfill our purpose on earth, we need to make ourselves worthy.
To make ourselves worthy, we need to forget our self.
By forgetting our self, we strive for others and improving their lot.

Truth and honesty is at the basis for all things we do. To others, to ourselves, to God.
What is our motive? Is it self-serving or God-serving? Sometimes the answer may not be so simple or to our liking but it comes down to that fact that we are not perfect and of course, God knows this.

We have weaknesses and our self-consciousness and selfishness keep us from freeing our thoughts totally when speaking to God.
Our temptation is drawn from our inner most wants and 
in Screwtape's(devil) words of instruction to his demon nephew-in-training....
"The simplest is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves. Keep them watching their own minds and trying to produce feelings there by the action of their own wills. When they meant to ask Him for charity, let them, instead, start trying to manufacture charitable feelings for themselves and not notice that this is what they are doing. When they meant to pray for courage, let them really be trying to feel brave. When they say they are praying for forgiveness, let them be trying to feel forgiven. Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling; and never let them suspect how much success or failure of that kind depends on whether they are well or ill, fresh or tired, at the moment."

I am not perfect. Accept it. 

Spring cleaning & reading habits

My last assignment was finally handed in and that weight is off my shoulders. It's time to prepare for Christmas.
It has been a year since I got the 5 ft tree. Last year I put it up alone, this year, the kids will do it.

The rainy season has kicked in too. Christmas is always wet for us, not white.

The personal stuff still weighs heavy on my mind but I am practicing at managing it.  Proceedings are not over yet, a couple of hurdles yet to go over what is called the 'ancillaries.'  But I am less worried over that.

Today saw the slow beginning of spring cleaning. The first are the children's bookshelves. There are so many good books and yet the boys who need to get in the most reading have the toughest time about it. They are not into my definition of 'good' books, they are into beast master,  monster,...  ghost and creature, ..power or action figure fiction.
I end up buying books they will read so that they do read.

Why is it so much harder for boys to read books than girls?

I was thinking maybe I should pay them to read the good books !

I had to make space painfully and so many of these books will have to go to the thrift shop because I know they will never get read at all here. So sad.

The new year will hold many new experiences for us, and keeping those in mind, I am looking forward to it.
Like the rain that washes the air clean, so too the new year will bring us a cleansing of the negative.

Reflecting: I want to put it in the past.

Some of you have an idea but some of you don’t quite know what, just that something is not right in my life. But it doesn’t really matter.
Only that you seem to be there still following my thoughts which lately seem to be as depressing as 'Wuthering Heights'. I thank you for sticking.

There are lots of victims with their stories and each seems to seek solace or answers or help others or just find relief in the telling. I’m not sure what my telling does for anyone. Affirmation, validation I suppose that is why it all began. I was seeking for those in my first blog.  In this my second blog, it’s about recovery and struggle to put myself back together again.

I had not dwelled on being a victim. In my mind I do not want to be one. I just want to get passed it. I began writing about it, because I forgot the incidents and details. Am I so forgiving, or is that what they call nature’s defense mechanism against the problem.
The problem:description  [from previous posts and links with the article on emotional abuse and 'fear to strength'] comes close to a partial representation, add being products of a narcissistic husband and father. No sympathies please.

For myself I realized I cannot remember alot of it, even some of the most horrible showdowns I faced. I had written about some of the situations in the past, here and there on paper (past 20 years), in a notebook ..but not everything , and there is still a missing diary somewhere, I wish I had written more. I suppose it is not surprising that my older son too cannot remember the scariest moment of his life but I remember.

I have learnt that in the writing of it and the record of it especially over the last 2 years(and re-reading),  the reality and frequency and horror of the situations, has helped me acknowledge that we are victims, I am a victim.
Do I have to do more to accept it?  Am I done with it. It has taught me a lot about me. It has taught me what I should not be.  I need to stop second guessing my actions to protect us.

I want to MOVE ON.

Staying sane (random thoughts)

Is God always testing us, when do we graduate ?

One cannot be a counselor to one's own children. Our job is to love them unconditionally and get angry conditionally.

I find comfort in the psalms than some of  the usual prayers these days, they help me to let go, and still pray. "Show me the path I should walk' is what I have repeatedly asked for these past ten years and more.
The anger builds and ebbs and churns and then empties and it wavers with the children's moods. 

Lord, hear my prayer; in your faithfulness listen to my pleading; answer me in your justice.

Do not enter into judgment with your servant; before you no living being can be just.

The enemy has pursued me; they have crushed my life to the ground.

They have left me in darkness like those long dead.

My spirit is faint within me; my heart is dismayed.

I remember the days of old; I ponder all your deeds; the works of your hands I recall.

I stretch out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land.

Hasten to answer me, Lord; for my spirit fails me.

Do not hide your face from me, lest I become like those descending to the pit.

At dawn let me hear of your kindness, for in you I trust.

Show me the path I should walk, for to you I entrust my life.

Rescue me, Lord, from my foes, for in you I hope.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.

May your kind spirit guide me on ground that is level.

For your name's sake, Lord, give me life; in your justice lead me out of distress.

In your kindness put an end to my foes; destroy all who attack me, for I am your servant.
- Psalm 143

The life we have is the path we choose

I found a couple of old diaries I had kept and realize my stint in the school of gullible idiocy began way back, stemmed mostly from the insecurities of a sheltered childhood.

There's nothing for it but to know and be glad that I grew up.

I am now getting away from the biggest evil of my life and soon that part will be over.

As I go through this stage, I learn that fear is never really gone, it visits now and again when you are most vulnerable. And what makes you vulnerable, one's children.

I am advised that the children are old enough, I should not worry.

So the question I pose, 'what is the choice to make', seems simple
- to be happy or to worry,
- to live in certainty or volatility


but is it?