A Day in the Life - Fighting negativity daily..

What goes up must come down. My blog is starting to read like that,  my emotions swinging up then down with each post. That's the result of striving to keep positive and resisting the urge to 'relax' into depression.
Who says a mother's life is fulfilling. Not today. Oh yeah, it certainly is full and filling but not in the positive sense of the expression.  We have to be actors much of the time, we cannot be what we feel like being, we have to put on a happy face when we are not, be cheerful when when we are depressed and  exhibit super powers despite fatigue. We have to be constant role models. (OK I 'm ranting, so sue me!.)

Staying optimistic is getting tougher around my second child . When did he become so extremely negative and pessimistic? (I suppose I can blame his father for it, him and his vile tongue). Much of my time, is spent trying to reroute his defeatist attitude, it takes an enormous amount of energy to overpower his negative comments and statements and to stay patient and positive.  If anything else for the sake of the other two kids, I need to stay positive and keep my spirits up (as much as I feel I want to wallow and stay upset.!).

Since the start of school, I have been getting more and more wound up with this child. He's going to be 13, will he outgrow it soon, I doubt it. And it is affecting  the other two kids. Every task (homework) which involves self-expression, or appears voluminous is a humongous task. The fear seems to overwhelm him. The moment he is faced with such work that 'seems' hard or hits an obstacle, his reaction is an instant depression, 'I cannot' , 'I won't be able to finish it in time'..'I don't know how',  'I 'll just die' even before he has begun. He says there is 'no hope' for him. Yes, he can be quite dramatic without trying.  He can't finish a book to get out his review in time, and yet he will persist in procrastinating and compound his own stress.  Does he realise it,  yes he is aware but cannot take charge of it and does not seem to want to be helped.  The more upset or insistent (getting work done) I get, the more stubborn he becomes.

I came home this evening to the same situation, I know I am loosing(wearing down)! Don't be mistaken, I'm not giving in yet.
I'm telling myself now to stop and review. I need to do something different, change my moves to gain his attention ?  I'm thinking this can't go on, what are my options and his ?  Should I send him for one of those motivational classes for kids or counseling , I'm not sure if it would help but it won't hurt and I won't know if I don't try something.
He has his 'successful' moments but they are rare and few between to help boost his confidence or make a dent in his attitude.

I know...  some miracles take time.

He is like a very uneven boulder that I have to keep pushing up a steep mountain. 
I have taken to praying especially more for this boy; after all who else can I turn to. I hope He will eventually hear me and offer some HELP.

Conquering the Milford Track

In early 1991, before the kids came along, my husband and I went to New Zealand for a holiday. We went with another couple friend of ours. Apart from touring on our own by car, we had decided to do the Milford Track - the unguided walk. I have to admit that my husband and I were ill-prepared for this 'hike'. But somehow I was luckier because I happened to buy shoes just before we set off. 

It was a walk like no other walk I had dreamed of.  We were prepared somewhat for the cold and the snow but not quite for the realty of it.  When we started out, there were few others with us, but we soon fell far behind. It wasn't a race of course.  We had some sort of a well-worn trail (no signs), a general direction to follow; we had to make our own way to the basic shelter stops for each night.  The back pack I was carrying was heavy, we were over-prepared trackers with extra dry food and clothes. On the first day of walking, it was sunny yet cold but still the weight of the backpack took it's toll. I fell head first, face down literally after climbing up a bank.  Thankfully I only cut my lip slightly and tasted some earth. When we got to the first shelter, all we wanted to do was find a bunk and not move ever !. But of course that was not possible.

No room service here, we took turns to prepare food as a couple, can you imagine having ice water to wash up with (no such thing as heaters up there on the track). But then you didn't perspire in those temperatures. Of the lot of walkers I think we were the most creative when it came to food.  We had instant noodles and rice while the rest ate mostly bread, soup and biscuits. You had to walk out the shelter to get to the toilets and wash basins. As we got higher, we had to cross crude rope bridges, cut across shallow streams and even brave the cold rain.  It was quite an adventure, we came across no animals, it was amidst gorgeous scenery and wonderful air.

It was I think the 3th day that we finally reached the mountain top and found ourselves actually dragging our feet through knee-high snow. The picture you see above is a photo of the actual picture taken of us at the top, the two figures in red, my friend and me (standing). Thank goodness the camera did not freeze up.
It was exhilirating, it was magnificent, to see God's beautiful earth in the raw, surrounded by peaks and snow. We were lucky because we had the sun out mostly.

The last day was a little tense because we were afraid of missing the ferry. We had to push ourselves to make good time.  If the ferry left we would have had to camp out in the open to wait til the next day. Now that, we didn't come prepared for.  Of course by then our bags were lighter. My husband's feet were suffering because he had worn the wrong kind of shoes, the rest of us were just tired with bones aching from the exercise.
It was 5 (or 6) days if I recall correctly, we had made it to the end and made it safely back, aching bones and all. It was a feat.

150 and counting

I have hit the 150th post - I am celebrating it....150 posts since I began  7 months ago.

Posting is not that easy, unless you are into writing literally whatever happens daily. Sometimes something happens but mostly I live through each day without anything spectacular happening (unless you count arguments with the kids) for an interesting read or post.

But then blogging  has become more about marking my own signposts; it helps me chart my thoughts, moods, my ups and downs, self- discoveries and marks my own reactions and thoughts to others' posts on their feelings and experiences. There's a little more of 'being me' in each post and I look at myself anew when I re-read the thoughts.  Looking back now, I did begin on the right note with my first post  Brighter side of Life

As I explore my thoughts and awareness grows, I recall more of my past, the memories intrude more often . As I think about them, the bad is especially more apparent, I am not bothered by them so much as that they are a part of who I am, and quite likely played some share in subsequent actions and attitudes of my early twenties.    It does help to recount them in writing.

I realize in Faith too I have come further along than before 2009.

And making new friends along the way.. across the miles has been a blessing.


BM