Talking to the dog ?

For the past few days, I've been talking to the dog, mostly I ask her one question, why life is so complicated?
Of course she's been patient and listens.

Feeling melancholy over what the kids have gone through and still to go through.

I want them to be happy and worry free but that seems impossible.

Note to self ...

Deal with 1 problem or conflict at a time

Do not let the words of your ex repeated by the kids to you, rile you. Think don't react.

Do not share complaints about your ex in the children's hearing.

Always send out a quick prayer for patience.




Remind yourself that your ex is a psychotic moron.

Looking for my calm

The waiting is taking it's toll. I'm thinking.... look at rental while I'm waiting for the apartment so I don't have to put up with my ex's  foolhardy attempts to rile me with his stupid accusations and threats.
The house is not yet falling apart but the appliances and furniture which are old seem to be saying sayonara one by one.
It's like they know the end is near.

While the ex is still freeloading he has the audacity to blame me for breaking his things and letting things go to ruin and threatening to bring liable and legal charges.  I am advised to stay calm, and let him blow his hot air, his aim is ti wear me down.

Among other things, he's going to use the dog as his support for my not running a proper household.

It does seem like he's panicking, his reign of terror will soon be over and that's why he's craving attention.... so goes one theory.

I remind myself about prayer and trust and patience. I believe there's always been a (divine) plan....it seems I forget when it builds.

I wish he would just leave.

The next phase...

Outwardly I am moving forward, I have found an apartment and am now figuring out ways to renovate and refurbish to make it a comfortable home. It will be about 4 months more before I can move in.

In the meantime...
 
The next phase I thinks is called 'coming to terms'. While the paper work says final and all that, deep within the heart of me I suppose there is still grief for the loss. And yet while I tell myself I held on despite of.........I still do feel guilt.

I have been telling myself for the past few month that it is time to go talk to a priest, but is it confession or is it just an outpouring to lighten my burden or to hear him say 'it couldn't be helped or I did what I could do or it was not within my control etc etc..
More afraid is that he would say what I gather from my mother, it is the bed I made, and therefore I should accept it..

I think I would not know where to begin.

At Sunday mass,... do they do it on purpose ?  It is because of what is said during sermons and seminar-invites about keeping the family together that makes this trip quite difficult to let go. I suppose it would work for some who have recourse or where there is some hope.  Would we not avoid it if we could ?  Does anyone go through divorce for a lark ?

It always comes back to this,
if I were to think like a counselor, ' I could not change him so I changed me'
But that didn't help the kids when his behaviour affected them, then how could I not be me for them.

What a tangled web we weave...........

Labour and love.

remembering...

Labour and love.: Steadily it continues to tick, changing seasons... mothers persevere, even as time moves, but still we lag. We slow our steps to give...

(click on the title for the rest..)

Happy Mother's Day 

Learning on the go and house hunting.

It's been tiring both physically and mentally. I'm taking myself through a crash course to understand what it would entail financially and in terms of loan timing to get moving on a place I see and like.
 I have spoken to different realtors and getting clarification from the bank where I can to see I may move forward as there are still some complications involving the local housing policy.

I started looking and then wondered how I was going to decide. But somehow along the way, my preferences became clearer and I knew almost right away what I didn't want.  The environment was important, I don't want to be hemmed in on all sides, I wanted a facing that was at least breezy and clear, rather than have someone else's living room window looking into mine. Traffic noise vs the quiet, the distance to the nearest bus stop, how convenient for the kids to to get to school and so on.  Then I'm balancing the need for renovations and then time to do that.  I'm thinking of interior decor and deign ideas while I'm surveying and doing the math.

I listed, I prioritize,  and then I came upon one in particular apartment that met many of the criteria BUT was that the one?  Or was it the one with traffic noise? 
My heart wanted it before my head did the checks. So is this my sign?  I'm giving myself a little more time, to see if God willing that be the one.

I've begun to clean out the present home, slowly getting the kids to filter through their stuff and clearing out what is not likely to be taken with us on the move.

It's been a busy few weeks, tomorrow is a public holiday , "Labour  day' I intend to rest my weary self.

Gently he leads...

This phrase is so apt, and I know most assuredly, I don't have to worry. Things are going really smoothly, and because they are moving I believe God takes care of those things I have no control over while I do what I can do.
I'm talking about selling the house.

I had been worried that things would get messy and confused with both of us using different realtors trying to handle the sale but it has not been the case because this guy came into the picture.
And I do thank God.

There's this real estate broker who knew us(my ex and I) both from a long way back, and while he is more my ex's friend and associate (and probably the only real friend my ex has left), I think he's a God sent. He has taken care of the sale arrangements and very objectively acts as liaison for the necessary.
Sure he is going to get something out of the sale for himself, but it is his character I read and know. He is a nice family man, mature in his outlook and  draws one's respect.  Because of him, my ex is not making a nuisance of himself (as much) on the house sale either.

I am not a overly religious person but I must say it He is there beside me and my trust in him is all the more.

Soon , these things take time... it's coming, I hope I'll be posting from new home..very soon....