Still processing...

I've been searching but can't seem to locate bloggers who have been through the similar experiences that I have or had. I suppose not everyone is able to talk about it or share.  The domestic abuse is one thing but this divorce business is something else.

My sister is very supportive 'good riddance to bad rubbish' and so on.

I get twinges of flashbacks and momentarily wish this nightmare was just that, a nightmare.  Yesterday as I read a book and it came to the scene of a wedding, I saw that moment in my head, when my father walked me down the aisle and it brought tears to my eyes.
There's a pragmatic side that knows this is for the best, the emotional side is just weak, and mourning the waste of years.  My life since marriage has been like a garden gradually overrun by a terrible weed (- that weed being my husband-) I tried for too long. 
How forgiving should one be ? 

I am looking forward to fresh scents, brighter days,  clean air, a smoother road, consistent calm - a peaceful garden for the four of us.

Like my blogs, I shall have to separate memories to store away those moments as they turn up - good, bad and ugly.

Mine only

No one can be there exactly 

where  I am or have been, 

it is uniquely mine. 

The feeling of fear and fearlessness 

at once beating at each other

in a realm of emotion

winding its way to free us,

the mess of impression and expression 

is wholly mine.

(HA 2010)

"The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow.

Today I am blessed. "    

- Maya Angelou's  Letter to My Daughter

Thoughts ..guilt or failure

I have always attached strings to my father’s love. And know that I should not. I do not want to grieve him, and yet I feel I have.

I go about my business and my children’s, there is no story to pour out that has not come out in bits and parts over the past 2 years. It is done for me so I don’t talk about it.
How do I say ‘I don’t want you to worry’ and not get him more worried.

I am reminded, I have made him proud in many ways,
I know he does not fault me in this
and yet
still.

There will always be a part of my brain that remembers my mother's old-fashion thoughts, and that is a problem source. It's there but it doesn't dominate, just rears it's head from time to time.

I had done what I could on my own, I could not lean, I did not want to. That was for me.  Eventually I would have to stand on my own.
I held on for as long as it took.

I am relieved and sad.