...don't like this...

Gaia(Journeyofasinglemum) wrote this question in her post 'How do I not disappoint?'
Ever since I read it, I've been thinking about it(like a bee flitting in and out) - as in have I disappointed my children?

I'm thinking do the kids understand the concept? Perhaps not the younger one.
What do they expect of me ?
Do I want to pose the question or ferret it out of from daily dealings ?
Would I want to hear the answer?

I suppose like all things we should be aware of to improve their lives. It might not improve mine!

But do I want to know?

Not today.



http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Inner Struggles

I walked once with shoulders down
My head up in the haze.
My thoughts not on home
but on work, in hollow cheer.
Burdened yet unfazed
I hid there,
it was easier.

I looked at my children.
I saw.
The pain,
it started to seep in.
They too hid
in school and at home.
I prayed for the cure,
that pain would go away.
How much more to endure?

The stress,
instead it grew, more not less,
desperation and despair.
When would change come?
Pain then anger.
Anger to energy, it moved me.
Why did I linger?

The silence from within,
overflowed.
My head felt, my heart heard,
all that was hidden.
Why did we abide?
Hope, compassion…
don’t be foolish, think of them,
put it aside.

I will be brave,
I will not fear,
Grant me strength
to persevere.

(HA –June 2009)




http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

A Day in the Life - trying too Hard

Some days I feel like two different persons.

The sane rational one in the office and dysfunctional in the home.
It's on days when I am so tired from work and would like nothing more but to shower and sleep right away.

Child3 and child2 have been arguing and fighting - so the judge (mom) has to preside. Imagine you are dying for some peace and quiet, both the boys insist on having their say first - at the same time. I can't think straight for all the noise and I just stare at the both of them. I let them go at it for about 15 min. Then asked 'are you both done' , they said 'yes'. I said 'good, that's settled', left them open-mouthed and went to take a shower.

The second matter, Child2 hasn't apologised to his older sister - that's a backlog, have to address it today. I thought I can't put it off or he'll think I forgot about it and he'll forget about it too. I take him aside to talk. After a while, he says he's thinking about it. I decide to leave it, that is more than I expected, I will bug him tomorrow when I'm clearer. But then, he turns around and asks me about the earlier situation, 'what about it' I ask, He asks me, 'aren't you going to do anything'. I ask 'why, did you do something wrong' , he says 'well I did snatch the toy from him'.
And I think .. Wow! I didn't have to say anything at all and there it was - the unblemished truth!

So, I don't have to try too hard all the time, enlightenment, understanding emerges somehow, TIME is all he needed (he was moved by my lack of response).
But then we know, the formula is rarely the same each time.

The oldest thankfully was out like a light ..too tired - thank God for small mercies, ...I could hit the sack, duties done!


http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Middle Child ?

How does one get through a closed door? How long does one keep knocking?
How do you get him to try when he says he can't.? He's 12.

Sometimes I think it is hopeless, I want to give up and just let him wallow in negativity and find his own way out. Just shakes his head, 'cannot'... 'give up'... 'no use' .. 'nothing can help me'.

When did he start to get this way? Only a major episode (like an earthquake) I believe can move this child and shake his thoughts up. He just refuses to hear. If a stranger counseled him how long would it last..

??? please any words of advise .

The Choice to Make

Bringing up kids to be confident is hard work. I talked about my middle child earlier. Inspite of his constant pessimism and attempts to push me away, I keep telling him I love him anyway because I just do. He comes around eventually when it sinks in but also forgets soon enough. .. I just have to keep knocking at his door.

This brings to mind the line - ‘We do not have to love. We choose to love’. .. .this is a good place to share where it came from.
I spent the morning hunting for the book, there were many good examples in there, I recall about relationships and how to love. In dealing with kids, we need to consciously think and act positively to the child’s advantage in any given situation (especially in the bad) and build on the circumstance for their growth rather than react. Evaluate, look for the positive.. let the child learn...

Stephen R Covey’s book (7 Habits of Highly Effective Families) puts it very simply that the difference between us and the animals is that, we are capable of placing a ‘pause’ between stimulus and response. We are capable of pro-active behaviour because we have 4 gifts to use during the ‘pause’ to help our response to another human being; these being self-awareness, conscience, imagination, and independent will.

The quote is by the writer M Scott Peck who said
“The desire to love is not itself love….Love is an act of will …. Namely an intention and action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.”

Keep at it!

Courage

(p.s the comment label is back for now..lost it in last 2..)

My Mother in my Life

I grew up in an era where children were left much to themselves except of course if you weren't bringing back a report card that was full of red marks. The good old days of handwritten report cards blue = good, red = bad. And of course found our own entertainment - no gameboys or home pc.

There was my father of course he was ok as far as fathers were then. I was a girl, I didn't expect much from him but he didn't expect any less from me than he expected of my brother.

My mother was typical in many ways but not as well informed as I wish she had been for my sake then. I believe she has been more influential in my life in many small ways that mattered right up to my Uni years even. When I say little things, I mean little things like hair conditioner and casual clothes and hair accessories and hair style... no I don't mean expensive stuff, just the basics. Because of the lack of them, I was always self conscious around the other teenagers, my shorts were outdated, my hair was never allowed to be free and if they were tied up, it was in ribbons. Besides, it was sort of untamed(cos no conditioner).

Trying to fit in was terrible, I couldn't, I was uncomfortable. Which meant that I grew without really having tried to be me. Somehow I was always trying to be someone else that ... should have been this and should that. Enough of the self-psych and whining.. I did eventually do that on my own terms, to who cares what anybody thinks.

I don't blame her for the ignorance, that was just the way of life and her path and that was life.

But I learn from her 'mistakes'.
She sacrificed for me by giving up work. Those days nannies could not be trusted. My folks came home one day to discover my brother and me, on our own, no food, no nanny (not that my bro and I were complaining, we knew not what we missed).
My mum is very much an introverted person, so that didn't help. She closed herself in, in a way. And when that happened, her life reduced her circle of friends. The consequences - less extrovert activity, less external social networking, less movement and one ages faster and falls sick more often. She does not dare go out on her own any longer.

When I am with her now, that's what I remember. Her sacrifice. She could be a different person if she had not.

So...

Anything you do or say will have an effect on your child, no matter how insignificant.

Taking note of the people (living and gone) around us, we should try to keep active in mind and body as long as we can. Retire yes (if you can), but not in mind and body!

Emotions, right or wrong.

Children and emotions? Each child is different in how he deals with them and age is really not a factor.

I can tell when they are upset but seldom do they let it all out. It's easy enough to rationalise it for them when it is about 'normal' child behaviour.

But what happens if it's anger, when you yourself can't rationalise it because you know they are justified. How do you teach not to hate but be forgiving. Forgetting comes easy for kids but so is remembering.

The right thing to say and the honest thing to say are sometimes not one and the same. I can calm them with words, a hug and hope but it's not enough, I don't think even the child is convinced. If it comes from the deepest part of your heart, they know it and if it's not they sense it.

With the older child I think she is able to discern the wrong and the right in the discussion of it, but with the younger kids I don't want to go there yet. It's easier to teach the positive than the negative but still it is something that must be discussed when they are older. Not being totally convinced only leaves it behind in their memory as unfinished business that's temporarily shelved. Like all residues, (remnant of bad memories) it will need fixing or clearing but at the right time.

Middle Child ?

To whoever came up with middle child syndrome, why could you not give us the cure too?

Why is the middle child so different? It's not the nurture part so it's got to be the nature part. The oldest and youngest overshadow him vocally and he suppresses his expressions all the more. The more I try to bring him out, the more he resists. I have to try to catch him on his own time when that window opens. Oh but ... the time?

The youngest engages him often but it's for more overt things like gaming instructions and who's who in Pokemon land.

And when that window opens, it is for a very short while, when he is ready it's hard for him to get the words out. Why?
Use helping words, examples ... how to see what's in his head?