Inner Thoughts: We Don't but We Do

We Don't but we Do
Jodi Picoult wrote this in her book the Tenth circle
'Vengeance was a funny thing, You wanted satisfaction of knowing it had occurred but you never wanted to actually hear the word out loud, because then you'd have to admit to yourself that you'd wanted proof, and that somehow made you baser, less civilized.'
I think this is so true.


From a Distance by Bette Midler (another of my favourites).

Baggage & Travellers

I started to think about the song first and then the passage came into my head. I was thinking about 'baggage' in the figurative sense the kind that weighs a person down mentally. For some reason I linked the two sets of words, 'Pilgrim Song' and a passage from the bible.

'Man is lonely by birth, Man is only a pilgrim on earth
Born to be Free, Time is but a temporary thing
Only on loan while on earth.'
The passage in the bible was about Christ sending his disciples out into the world, he had said 'take no bag for the journey, or extra tunic, or sandals or a staff.. for the worker is worth his keep...And If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.'

Gaia and I had talked about 'baggage' a while back in the comments after a post.

And I'm left with these thoughts ....we are short-haul travellers, yet we obsess over baggage, instead of the journey; travel light, leave behind what cannot be saved and move on.

PS: I wonder if women are entitled to extra baggage allowance up there afterall we're supposed to be the 'emotional' half of the species!

Laugh at Yourself

Out of the blue, I thought to myself today that I should teach my children to laugh at themselves. I think that in itself does wonders for character. It would actually help them be more accepting of imperfections, reduce preoccupation with self and negate pride.
I do and it helps.

When we begin to take our failures non-seriously, it means we are ceasing to be afraid of them. It is of immense importance to learn to laugh at ourselves - Katherine Mansfield

Laughter is a holy thing. It is as sacred as music and silence and solemnity, maybe more sacred. Laughter is like a prayer, like a bridge over which creatures tiptoe to meet each other. Laughter is like mercy; it heals. When you can laugh at yourself, you are free -Ted Loder

Unwind or whine (both also can)

My friend tried to drag me out for drinks after late work yesterday.. I said no.
Then she said to me ' you have to live insanely to live' . ' it's good to let your hair down sometimes ' . What the hell (pardon my Spanish) does that mean.. take off my jacket and do the pole dance on the bar top or what? ..yeah right! get foxed, I think is what she meant.
I knew she was piqued by other things, so I gave in and went for A drink and let loose my ears(but no pole dance).

I understand the need to unwind, I know how to let my hair down (..maybe not all the way.. ..do I sound defensive).
But I think we each have different solutions for that. But my way is not her way. .. it's more like eating a whole tub of ice-cream while watching Brad Pitt in Troy :)

Inspiration and an answer

Elizabeth Mahlou's blog is inspiring. Her self-discoveries and her actions encourages the 'doing'(i.e. walk the talk).
I had a question in my earlier post 'Is it wrong if I can't forget even though I forgive'.
After reading Elizabeth's post Blest Atheist: Monday Morning Meditation #5

the answer ... it's true forgiveness only if you forget.
*

Forgive & Forget; a child's right to anger?

Good age-old wisdom says - Forgive and Forget. The consequence is release, relief and peace.

Is it wrong if I can't forget even though I forgive.
Is it wrong if I can't forgive but forget mostly and just once in a while I remember.
Sometimes we preach what we ourselves find hard to practise. We're not saints, takes a while but we probably are able to in the long run - forgive but not really forget.

Children do not have this concept of forgive and forget. They just forget mostly and the wrong-doer rarely remembers the wrong to bother his conscience. And if they do suffer from anothers' actions, it's not about forgiving but just moving on whether they get an apology or not. Their experiences with wrong and right are (supposedly mostly) simpler.

While this piece of wisdom is meant to help unload baggage, we (adults) use it in another way too, though we may not realise it. To us, this right to withhold forgiveness is like our special power; it somehow gives us a vindictive hold over the person who has hurt us (it'll be on his conscience); it acts as a sort of coping mechanism for our anger in the short run (it helps us control the need to lash out). We rationalise it. In the long run it becomes baggage.

But what of a child - who is not capable of this rationale nor grasp the concepts of forgiveness or conscience or guilt, what does he do when he is so troubled by someone and not able to forget or move on? Either lash out at the one who hurt them or at the ones around them.
It's quite difficult to explain to them about forgiveness - seems incomprehensible, illogical. So how do we help them cope? Adults can handle some baggage, but I don't think a child should have any. If they cannot confront the wrong-doer, the only solution seems to be let them lash out and then address the actions or comments as they unfold.

My earlier post Emotions on the subject was about similar questions, I think the question buzzing in my head is, how to teach a child not to hate (even if he's justified).

Family - the Most Beautiful Tree you can have but the Hardest Seed to Grow.

There’s a concern that there are not enough marriages and not enough children being produced. The government produced commercials for the awareness of family (touching on the filial issue, companionship). Are the people that produced the campaign shining examples, how many children do they have ?.
You have to walk the talk on this topic, to be able to genuinely communicate this.
Will incentives produce the right fruit? What do the campaigns do? It is not a new concept, it‘s not a travel destination – it s a lifetime commitment..

There’s lots of talk of work-life balance (plus family) but is there action? Who is expected to act? The mother, the father, the gov’t or the employer? 10 days leave, exams, CA. well, there’s only 24 hours in a day, and even if we don’t need sleep, the kids need at least 10 hours.. Talk is cheap, living is costly (unless you’re willing to forgo some of the ‘living’ .. now there’s the irony ). Quality ? Let’s not go there.

There’s much more to ‘living’ today than yesterday and that is likely the main issue.
Cost of living today is not equal to yesteryears.
Young people want to live well and enjoy life. What does having a family entail giving up ? – A lot. Teaching them not be selfish is one thing, but teaching selflessness, that’s another thing that today’s distracting world makes more difficult.

Is there quality family time to savour today? The perceived future of young persons will mirror their past and will be summed up in order of proportion as labour, cost, entertainment/leisure and a small portion to whatever- is- family.
Examples, experiences and expectations of modern society and family provide other hindrances to both young men and women alike.
{The father owns the ‘family’ car, his time is more his own; a mother does not seem to have that ‘luxury’. Dad works so hard, doesn’t get to enjoy much?] It doesn’t help to hear their parents explain limitations due to financial obligations and sacrifices.

You can tell by rising teenage and unwanted pregnancies; stories of family basics(issue of filial piety) gone wrong that family commitment even for todays’ 2nd generation parent is a challenge. Of course, there is the root of evils - money, be it cause or consequence.
You could turn it into a religious or moral issue here – purpose of life, vocation , higher calling etc.
We know it’s tough, are they capable of what’s required. It’s not about planning and plotting.

Wanting a family involves selflessness, it is about desire for constant companionship, a home and a desire for children. It’s about feeling whole. How do you force warmth or love?
Possibly most can understand this, but then having a family is a big question of readiness.

Sure, you can help the process of meeting for those who desire that path in life. But pushing for kids is an entirely different matter.

The ideal campaign ground is within the family of today.
So aptly put by the Minister – you ‘can’t legislate love’.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

I Finally Learnt To Swim

Wanting to swim was one of the few things I had dreamt about being able to do for a long, long time. I wasn't lucky enough to learn while growing up. I had attempted to learn with a friend of mine like 20 years back but both of us did not manage to learn and sort of gave up and thought probably impossible...
As a working mom, I tend to prioritize time to everything and everyone else before my wants or needs and that too provides an excuse to procrastinate.

An opportunity came again with a bigger group about 9 yrs ago (someone had introduced a swimming instructor), but I was expecting my third child then, so I had an excuse not to. There were about 6 colleagues who undertook lessons. What amazed me soon after, was that within like 6-7 lessons they were all able to swim and even tread water.
I thought to myself I could have been one of them. I was green with envy and regret.

But then a 3rd opportunity presented itself (the charm as they say), well I had more excuses - 3 kids, less time even. I remembered the earlier bunch. I decided if the earlier lot could it, I could do it too - just make the effort (it’s just 1 night a week for a few weeks, do it for myself).

Finally about 7 years ago, I learnt to swim (really swim!) and tread water. That was a major feat for me.

I need to remind myself constantly that time moves forward, do what you can today, don’t procrastinate. You will be glad for it when tomorrow comes.

I thank God too, the opportunity came looking for me, cos I would not have gone looking for it. Yes, I could have learnt sooner.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

I need a break, but from what ?

I dont't know, and yet I know (u know what I mean??)
Lately I have been preoccupied with talk of the four seasons. Started from my earlier post, 'It must be wonderful', http://mothersalways.blogspot.com/2009/08/it-must-be-wonderful.html.. must be to do with a restlessness for change of scenery...and moving my thoughts away from my never-ending to-do-list.
We have but the monsoons, - sun and rain, let's not forget the moon.

Have been looking at photos, some of the blogs with beautiful pix and paintings by artists of old.
So serene, calm, colourful or just white. Some paintings look like the artist had a special secret when he or she painted the scene.
Is there art(not the photographic type) on typhoons or hurricanes?
Devastation we know, we hear, perhaps we do not want to or need to see.

Perhaps I just need a break.
The month of August is an eventful month, that's probably it, like getting older (ughh!)


http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Bully in my Backyard

Yesterday I was really worked up. My opinion about a certain person in my life just continues to get re-enforced negatively. I am amazed at how a man who thinks he loves his children and thinks is doing what's best for them, can play mind games with them in order to justify himself.
He is a bully (mildly put).

I am alone but not alone. Some of you may wonder why there is a conspicuous absence of mention of my other half. It is a painful story, a history which I have poured into an earlier blog I created first, the pain is stored there. It has helped me feel and channel my anger and act.
My healing is definitely on its’ way and this is my healing journal. My children will heal. They are resilient, they have each other, ‘always stick together’ is what I tell them. I’m re-learning to be me and my children will learn to be free. (no pity please, courage grows, God helps).

I must be on a roll.
Yesterday I read comments between a man and a woman, that got me upset. It was not about the particulars but the fact is that she is the one 'doing' the doing(not just talking) -looking after the children not him. Sounded like bullying.

Today a local news story. if you follow this link.. about a teacher who's a bully..
http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20090812-160665.html

And no, I don't hate men (bwhaaha!! as my wonderful friend commented) - I have a great dad, brother and some wonderful brothers-in-laws and friends.

Man or woman there is no excuse in the world that justifies bullying.

"Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke" .Benjamin Disraeli British, Statesman Quotes

"True courage is cool and calm. The bravest of men have the least of a brutal, bullying insolence, and in the very time of danger are found the most serene and free. " Lord Shaftesbury 1671-1713, British Statesman

The Volcano

The immature man creates drama around ordinary events.
The narcissistic man holds us hostage.
When will it blow?

The fearful man cuts off ties.
Discipline is his noble motto, justified and righteous
Intimidation is the game,
for the good of the future.

To what end?
To be unstable, unforgiving, repressed, intolerant, impatient.
Terror he fills, fear he instills,
He claims for love sake.
Where’s the love, where’s the affection,
no one feels safe.
So much noise, so much hurt
Too much heartache.

No sensitivities only temper.
When will it blow?
The narcissistic man cannot hear.
The immature man cannot see.
He snickers at innocence.
Gentleness is alien to him.

This is the brim.

(HA – Sep 2008)

Out of darkness, we will climb one step and a time…. .

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

To Be (Insane) or Not to Be (Sane)

A while back, I decided I would read one of Paulo Coelho's books. Call me prejudiced, but I have a preference for reading books by women rather than men. It's more about the style and thought processes. There is a certain directness in men's writing which is fine depending on the type of novel. For some stories I like to linger and for some I can't wait to know how it ends.

I also must tell you, I hate sad endings but for some strange reason I picked 'Veronika Decides To Die'. The story takes place in Slovenia, did you know it used to be Yugoslavia?

I found it extremely thought-provoking, not sad. It's a very good read, unique in the telling and how it unfolds. It's a little contrary, but there is much about human nature I can identify with.
For those of you who, like me, prefer happy endings, you'll be glad to hear she didn't die in the end.

It's about Veronika, a young girl who wanted to die, she attempted it but failed. She then finds herself in a mental asylum, and again waits to die because that's how she has been diagnosed.
What's intriguing is her journey of discovery; discoveries about herself, her inner experience in the asylum, with other inmates, about the subject of sanity and insanity. While in the asylum she sets herself free and lets go of her inhibitions because as she says " I'm crazy, I'm allowed to do this. I can hate, I can pound away at the piano. Since when have mental patients known how to play notes in the right order?'

Many instances in the story allude to the fact that we would like to behave in some manner that would be considered insane but because of society's expectations we are not free to do so. For Veronika 'she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created for herself'.'

Among the characters, a number of inmates were not-truly-insane, but they were there because 'they looked for the easiest way out; a separate reality'; and remained there for different reasons of security, normalcy and freedom . They are rational enough to say to the nurses " This is a mental hospital. No one is obliged to behave the way you do'. Because of Veronika, the not-truly-insane start to re look at their lives and now think that it is time leave the asylum. One of them, who is released feels she will be better off now in the outside world because she has the license to speak freely, since people know she was in the asylum previously.

As for Veronika, having made discoveries and experiences for herself, she purged her baggage. But, because she believed she only had a few days, Veronika now wished to live.

I have been thinking about it, to pick another of Paulo's books, I hope it will be just as appealing.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

Need to have, Nice to have, Must have

Ever notice how you start off with the basic handphone for your kids because you need them to stay in touch with you. Then it becomes, ‘mum, all my friends can play music on their phones’, so then you ‘upgrade’ when the contract is up(refuse to give in sooner) so they can be on par with ‘all’ their friends.
Our ‘nice to have’ is their ‘must have’. I realize of course there’s a fair amount of exaggeration there when ‘all’ their friends and ‘everyone’ has this or that.

We are not much different (although more controlled) but perhaps for different reasons.
My mobile phone is sufficient I told myself, calls and camera feature was all I needed. Don’t waste money upgrading.
Then it began, ..the latest Nokia series with office functions and web browsing, I said no, don’t need that. – not so compact, keyboard so tiny,
Then my colleagues got it, and ‘showed’ me how wonderful it is. Suddenly I’m thinking, maybe I should take advantage(of the discounts) and upgrade my phone. Yes.. I could put Excel sheets on it, perhaps I could do away with my PDA and do all in one. We start to look for reasons and manufacture more to do the deed (! the evil laugh should sound here).

We all have diversions, routines, little hobbies but then life should be about constant movement and learning so that we continue to live, not just exist.
It’s not about dissatisfaction or keeping up with your neighbour.
Once in a while, we need it - a new ‘event’. The new tech stuff keeps us moving, that new earring gives us anticipation, new recipes keeps us interested - the novelty keeps us going. It doesn’t always have to cost money. We can’t all afford to take regular vacations.

Thank heaven for the little things we can. Because not everyone is lucky to have choices.

http://groups.google.com/group/mothers-always

The Choice to Make

Bringing up kids to be confident is hard work. I talked about my middle child earlier. Inspite of his constant pessimism and attempts to push me away, I keep telling him I love him anyway because I just do. He comes around eventually when it sinks in but also forgets soon enough. .. I just have to keep knocking at his door.

This brings to mind the line - ‘We do not have to love. We choose to love’. .. .this is a good place to share where it came from.
I spent the morning hunting for the book, there were many good examples in there, I recall about relationships and how to love. In dealing with kids, we need to consciously think and act positively to the child’s advantage in any given situation (especially in the bad) and build on the circumstance for their growth rather than react. Evaluate, look for the positive.. let the child learn...

Stephen R Covey’s book (7 Habits of Highly Effective Families) puts it very simply that the difference between us and the animals is that, we are capable of placing a ‘pause’ between stimulus and response. We are capable of pro-active behaviour because we have 4 gifts to use during the ‘pause’ to help our response to another human being; these being self-awareness, conscience, imagination, and independent will.

The quote is by the writer M Scott Peck who said
“The desire to love is not itself love….Love is an act of will …. Namely an intention and action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.”

Keep at it!

Emotions, right or wrong.

Children and emotions? Each child is different in how he deals with them and age is really not a factor.

I can tell when they are upset but seldom do they let it all out. It's easy enough to rationalise it for them when it is about 'normal' child behaviour.

But what happens if it's anger, when you yourself can't rationalise it because you know they are justified. How do you teach not to hate but be forgiving. Forgetting comes easy for kids but so is remembering.

The right thing to say and the honest thing to say are sometimes not one and the same. I can calm them with words, a hug and hope but it's not enough, I don't think even the child is convinced. If it comes from the deepest part of your heart, they know it and if it's not they sense it.

With the older child I think she is able to discern the wrong and the right in the discussion of it, but with the younger kids I don't want to go there yet. It's easier to teach the positive than the negative but still it is something that must be discussed when they are older. Not being totally convinced only leaves it behind in their memory as unfinished business that's temporarily shelved. Like all residues, (remnant of bad memories) it will need fixing or clearing but at the right time.