Remaking my daily routine.

I worked for years and years until I decided(after some math)  I could take a break in Oct last year. I decided I was going to find my feet again and learn to breathe slowly, learn to breathe while I ate and just catch up on sleep(if I could sleep). It was a risk but health was a priority I had to consider. And it was time taking into account the many things that had happened already in the job. I had to step off that roller coaster after procrastinating on it for almost 7 months, all the excuses were about other people on my team and the company I worked many years for.

The job had taken over my life and I could not stop enough to live and catch up with me and looking after me.

I delayed health checkups, appointment were put off or were not a priority, my parent's appointments were a priority, vacation breaks were not really breaks with the job still on my mind - a "mobile"call away.  I could not put it away because of conditions of the job. The team was always lacking, we were always short, I was always filling the gaps and worrying over issues which I now realize were problems I was trying to ducktape while management took their time to fix. 

But well it seems life does not always go as planned. Covid19 happened. 

I managed to continue with plans made much earlier to go on holiday to the UK before the virus caught up there and then it was time to cut short that holiday and return home.

Learning about myself (remaking) took about 3 months. I have managed to drop some old habits but I am still constantly trying to fill my time with activity. Learning to sit and breathe or sit still is not easy.

I was able to spend alot more time with my folks and not worry about deadlines whenever, wherever.   Strangely being at home I felt I had to cook and clean. So I stopped forcing that schedule and gave myself time out. Started some card crafting again but that took a while to take off.

 

I started to put myself into a "should"situation again where I tied myself to doing things that filled my time rather than things I wanted to do. So I decided - cook when I decided to and clean when I wanted and leave time to do other things that made me relax and happy. This helped me to slow down. to think. reflect and take deeper breaths.

Perfect Existence

What is the perfect life, 

the 'ever after' of a fairy tale? 

No pain, no strife, 

no sweat, no ail. 

What to do with all that happiness, 

but to seek more not less, 

adventure in the silly 

to weather reality.
Are we ever satisfied? 

With eyes opened, look outside. 

So much need, venture into the reality. 

Poverty and loneliness, it's rampant. 

Reach out, step up, you will see.

Plant a seed, make something happen. 

Dwell not that life can be better, 

but that our existence will matter.

(HA - 2009)

Growing old in silence....

Grow old gracefully? How do we do that if it's not within our control?

Depression takes a few forms, I'm seeing it in those around me.
Is it a mental condition or is it about self-awareness ? Seems like getting stuck in a history cycle that plays only the negative memories and pulls one into a pessimistic stupor. Why can't one get stuck in a happy cycle, a positive one.. that doesn't pull everyone down with them.

There are times when I feel I might be depressed, only it seems like a pity party to me.
Loneliness ... no.
Being alone , I think that 's more like, what it's about.

Your friends are not always there for you, kids have their own lives. Timing may not be so convenient.

It's more about not having a companion to do nothing with and to share the silence with you. Someone to rouse you out of your lethargy and make you walk and talk.
Sometimes, I think that's what it is.

Going back in time, just to spend more time with my kids

This evening I am thinking about it again.

I don't regret my marriage, because I don't regret having my kids. Unfortunately because of that life I realize I was not able to spend enough time with them as they grew up. I would say I am most unfortunate in that.

My ex was fortunate and yet it seems he lost himself a long time ago. I remember wishing to take a break often because of the stress of the job ...if only he had a stable income, if only he was stable. He was always after the next opportunity to make a fast buck, always taking a gamble ... a risk.. so I plodded on, continuing to do what I had to, I was good at it but it was stressful.
It was and is the nature of the job, the industry.
You never catch up with your deadlines, you just try to hold on to time as long as you can to complete, to refine, projects just pile, and I am always, always running after a moving train, never catching up.

The time is gone, my kids are at the age where friends are more entertaining. Now as I look at the photographs of my kids I am thinking how much have I missed out, on memories and moments and get angry at this man for what he was and was not, and probably could not be. Hindsight as they say ....
That time is lost.
I have them now and yet.

I am still at it today, and I am thinking it's time for change.
I'm figuring out my finances, can I afford a less stressful job that pays less.and consumes less of my waking mind.

My ex is gone, what does that make me in the eyes of the church

Ever since the divorce I have had this unclear place in the church.
I felt like I was one part outcast and one part catholic.
When I first mentioned it, I said we are permanently separated since there is no such thing as divorce  in the church. I don't think I was wrong, yet this priest I said it too did not take it any further.

Whether or not, I initiated it made no difference.

The faith I have with Christ and God is strong and prevails, I suppose I placed too much on what a priest says or what they did not say.

It seems now it is clear. 'Til death do us part' and so I am officially a 'widow' then. In secular life I am not. But faith does not allow me to separate the two.

I can feel no grief just a deep sadness for my children and my past that led them to be.  God have mercy on his soul.

In a way I am freed in more ways than one.
I realized that I lived in state of fear (at the back of my mind) that there would be 'going back to court'for some thing or other even after years .because of what he used to do.... and so I just kept everything in the form of paperwork and new paperwork to keep as support cos I might need it some day.
Ridiculous right.

I started to throw out a lot of the old papers and it was freeing and lightening.

Rings, a link to the past. Being sentimental.

Recently I managed to remove both my rings from my hands. I had never removed them since I got engaged, then married, had 3 kids and my fingers just grew with them stuck on. I went through a couple of stays in the hospital where the doctors and nurses gave up on attempts to remove them as they just could not come off.
For so long, I kept wondering how I could remove them (for fear that the skin beneath was unhealthy) until a simple solution presented itself as in metal cutters. Finally I'm free of  my engagement and wedding bands.

My mum thinks I should just trade it in for new pieces. But they have sentimental value to me in spite of the fact that they are no longer relevant to my status and the cause for painful memories.

For me, they represent both good and bad, at least 75% of the outcome is positive and the 25% is bad that is mostly the EX; so why not keep it. The good being the kids and the
learnings that have come out of that life.
Both are cut , broken in a way which is an apt reflection.
In the eyes of God(Catholic church) I am still married, legally a different story. How the church makes me feel about it, is another story for another day.

I'll hold  on to them. Just buy new ones for my naked fingers.

God is great, he's wonderful

Did I not know he was there before?
That's because I was looking but did not see.
It's been 4 years or so now, life has happened
and I am grateful.
I have a job still in this terribly terribly unstable
and roller coaster economy,
the love of family who stand by me
and friends who share their ears and hearts with me.

He asks little from  us, but gives us so much
yet half the time we think and feel
it's not nearly enough, and we're never contented.

Weather 's hot but not that crazy.
The plants are still green and flowering.
The children will still moan and groan,
and I will still nag and push
but that's life.
I like quiet but I also miss the noise.

Is that how we're made, to live with noise and silence;  to have one and sometimes we must have the other. Extremes and boredom keep us afloat and living.

In spite of everything that has happened , I know I am blessed.
It doesn't matter how anyone else judges.
I don't aim for perfect, just better than OK.

God will still love us inspite of our chaos and continue to be our guide even if I don't see the driver.

Thinking about Forgiving, not the Forgetting

"Evil can be undone, but it cannot develop into good. Time does not heal it." C S Lewis
In Lewis interpretation, you have to go back to the beginning and do it all over again to see the error of your ways.

One of the things to do to be at peace is to forgive.
Could my ex have been saved, converted, changed ?

I kept thinking about that and then recently I heard a homily about how we should pray. In summary, the implication was leave it in God's hands, ask for help for a person or with a situation when you pray BUT don't direct God.

And so I thought of my situation, I didn't direct God, I asked for help to solve the unrest and distress.
And the answer as it had unfolded gives me my answer to my question.
If it could be done, it would have come to pass and so the answer I believe is no.

God intervenes when we need him and when it's beyond our control but not when we can do it our self, be it easy or hard. We need to know when to give up and when to persevere.

-Reviewing
My children are older, not necessarily wiser. Now I worry if one of my sons is turning into a replica of is father. ..a question of nature of nurture.  Awareness is not enough.
Praying and trusting in God is all have. I don't intend to live that way again.
May God have mercy.

You can't miss it if you didn't have it to begin with.

When I was growing up, hand-me-downs were common. And I don't mean from an older sister or cousin. I mean literally second hand clothes that used to be collected at a church. My mum was friends with a lady who worked there, and she would go there now and again to pick out stuff for us. We were open to jumble sales too.  Mostly it was for me since my sister got my hand me downs.

I would go along most of the time, but I didn't really think twice about it nor was I embarrassed or even had a thought that anyone might recognize the clothes. To me, it was great to have a variety of stuff to choose from as they were mostly from rich people.

For few years until I was out of School, you could say the family was on a budget, which my mum managed well. I didn't really understand the concept of going without or having less because it never really occurred to me, or perhaps I had nothing to compare to. My brother and I were the less privileged compared to my younger sister who grew up in less tighter times.

Unlike today, we had not much of a choice in what we wore. Like or hate it, but keep your head high among the rest of the kids you interacted with.   There was not much choice.

Perhaps that's why I'm not fussy or into 'branded' stuff cos I can't see any value there. I'm not affected by all that designer fluff.

If I was to introduce this idea to my daughter I think she would frown on it and shy away. I threw away clothes cos they were worn out, she disposes of clothes that have seen little wear because they were out of fashion and sitting in the wardrobe. Is it little wonder she appreciates little.

My boys have a mixed attitude strangely for the better, or is it because they're boys. Perhaps I've spoilt the girl being the oldest and most privileged in that sense. The boys grew up with less.

Is there anything wrong with the idea of recycling, especially if the quality is still good.

Pride keeps most people away from the clothes in the thrift shop(except the domestic workers) at the church but it doesn't stop them from admiring some of those really pretty clothes.

Love, it's still simple, it's the will part that's hard...

I wrote this way back and it still is valid but it gets easier with age...........

"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it."  Song Of Solomon 8:7.
But man can. Call me cynical,
I don't think that Love is instinctive; it's not some sentiment embedded deep in one's nature that it persists despite all else. It is a product of our upbringing and our social environment.  It is a choice made that gets buried so deep and therefore it implies it can be 'un-done',  (like water erodes the soil to expose the roots) dug away gradually until it appears near the surface and then our mind [and all it remembers] decides to love or not to love. We nurture it again or not  with reasons for that choice.
Love implies absolute acceptance - simple yet difficult, is it do-able ?

These statements from my earlier post The Choice to Make, ring true  - by M S Peck who said “The desire to love is not itself love….Love is an act of will …. Namely an intention and action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.”

If we choose it all the time and make it so, then there will be more ...as is implied by Mother Theresa who said  "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."   On the other hand this seems simple.

(Nov/2009)

People can read you if you are not sincere.

Things are settling or should I say the dust is settling.

I'm moving on with life. There are new phases and stages with the kids now as they get on with ADOLESCENCE.

When DOES  that end  ...? really  ?!

Each definitely have their father's genes.
They have tempers that flare on the quick and sometimes I am reminded of the stressful times while I was staying with my narcissistic X.

Each is different in the degree of it and how they manage it or cope with it.  I can only advice and as they grow older hope they be more mindful of it.
I wouldn't want them to turn out to be like the X.  He's a real example of how life will  turn out - unless you like being alone. No family to stick by you,  no true or long term friends who can bide you.

People can read(sense) you when you are not sincere, they will not tell you, just walk away. You may think you are likable and yet.

I've grown calmer in the face of heat.