Perfect Existence

What is the perfect life, 

the 'ever after' of a fairy tale? 

No pain, no strife, 

no sweat, no ail. 

What to do with all that happiness, 

but to seek more not less, 

adventure in the silly 

to weather reality.
Are we ever satisfied? 

With eyes opened, look outside. 

So much need, venture into the reality. 

Poverty and loneliness, it's rampant. 

Reach out, step up, you will see.

Plant a seed, make something happen. 

Dwell not that life can be better, 

but that our existence will matter.

(HA - 2009)

Growing old in silence....

Grow old gracefully? How do we do that if it's not within our control?

Depression takes a few forms, I'm seeing it in those around me.
Is it a mental condition or is it about self-awareness ? Seems like getting stuck in a history cycle that plays only the negative memories and pulls one into a pessimistic stupor. Why can't one get stuck in a happy cycle, a positive one.. that doesn't pull everyone down with them.

There are times when I feel I might be depressed, only it seems like a pity party to me.
Loneliness ... no.
Being alone , I think that 's more like, what it's about.

Your friends are not always there for you, kids have their own lives. Timing may not be so convenient.

It's more about not having a companion to do nothing with and to share the silence with you. Someone to rouse you out of your lethargy and make you walk and talk.
Sometimes, I think that's what it is.

Going back in time, just to spend more time with my kids

This evening I am thinking about it again.

I don't regret my marriage, because I don't regret having my kids. Unfortunately because of that life I realize I was not able to spend enough time with them as they grew up. I would say I am most unfortunate in that.

My ex was fortunate and yet it seems he lost himself a long time ago. I remember wishing to take a break often because of the stress of the job ...if only he had a stable income, if only he was stable. He was always after the next opportunity to make a fast buck, always taking a gamble ... a risk.. so I plodded on, continuing to do what I had to, I was good at it but it was stressful.
It was and is the nature of the job, the industry.
You never catch up with your deadlines, you just try to hold on to time as long as you can to complete, to refine, projects just pile, and I am always, always running after a moving train, never catching up.

The time is gone, my kids are at the age where friends are more entertaining. Now as I look at the photographs of my kids I am thinking how much have I missed out, on memories and moments and get angry at this man for what he was and was not, and probably could not be. Hindsight as they say ....
That time is lost.
I have them now and yet.

I am still at it today, and I am thinking it's time for change.
I'm figuring out my finances, can I afford a less stressful job that pays less.and consumes less of my waking mind.

My ex is gone, what does that make me in the eyes of the church

Ever since the divorce I have had this unclear place in the church.
I felt like I was one part outcast and one part catholic.
When I first mentioned it, I said we are permanently separated since there is no such thing as divorce  in the church. I don't think I was wrong, yet this priest I said it too did not take it any further.

Whether or not, I initiated it made no difference.

The faith I have with Christ and God is strong and prevails, I suppose I placed too much on what a priest says or what they did not say.

It seems now it is clear. 'Til death do us part' and so I am officially a 'widow' then. In secular life I am not. But faith does not allow me to separate the two.

I can feel no grief just a deep sadness for my children and my past that led them to be.  God have mercy on his soul.

In a way I am freed in more ways than one.
I realized that I lived in state of fear (at the back of my mind) that there would be 'going back to court'for some thing or other even after years .because of what he used to do.... and so I just kept everything in the form of paperwork and new paperwork to keep as support cos I might need it some day.
Ridiculous right.

I started to throw out a lot of the old papers and it was freeing and lightening.

Rings, a link to the past. Being sentimental.

Recently I managed to remove both my rings from my hands. I had never removed them since I got engaged, then married, had 3 kids and my fingers just grew with them stuck on. I went through a couple of stays in the hospital where the doctors and nurses gave up on attempts to remove them as they just could not come off.
For so long, I kept wondering how I could remove them (for fear that the skin beneath was unhealthy) until a simple solution presented itself as in metal cutters. Finally I'm free of  my engagement and wedding bands.

My mum thinks I should just trade it in for new pieces. But they have sentimental value to me in spite of the fact that they are no longer relevant to my status and the cause for painful memories.

For me, they represent both good and bad, at least 75% of the outcome is positive and the 25% is bad that is mostly the EX; so why not keep it. The good being the kids and the
learnings that have come out of that life.
Both are cut , broken in a way which is an apt reflection.
In the eyes of God(Catholic church) I am still married, legally a different story. How the church makes me feel about it, is another story for another day.

I'll hold  on to them. Just buy new ones for my naked fingers.

God is great, he's wonderful

Did I not know he was there before?
That's because I was looking but did not see.
It's been 4 years or so now, life has happened
and I am grateful.
I have a job still in this terribly terribly unstable
and roller coaster economy,
the love of family who stand by me
and friends who share their ears and hearts with me.

He asks little from  us, but gives us so much
yet half the time we think and feel
it's not nearly enough, and we're never contented.

Weather 's hot but not that crazy.
The plants are still green and flowering.
The children will still moan and groan,
and I will still nag and push
but that's life.
I like quiet but I also miss the noise.

Is that how we're made, to live with noise and silence;  to have one and sometimes we must have the other. Extremes and boredom keep us afloat and living.

In spite of everything that has happened , I know I am blessed.
It doesn't matter how anyone else judges.
I don't aim for perfect, just better than OK.

God will still love us inspite of our chaos and continue to be our guide even if I don't see the driver.

Thinking about Forgiving, not the Forgetting

"Evil can be undone, but it cannot develop into good. Time does not heal it." C S Lewis
In Lewis interpretation, you have to go back to the beginning and do it all over again to see the error of your ways.

One of the things to do to be at peace is to forgive.
Could my ex have been saved, converted, changed ?

I kept thinking about that and then recently I heard a homily about how we should pray. In summary, the implication was leave it in God's hands, ask for help for a person or with a situation when you pray BUT don't direct God.

And so I thought of my situation, I didn't direct God, I asked for help to solve the unrest and distress.
And the answer as it had unfolded gives me my answer to my question.
If it could be done, it would have come to pass and so the answer I believe is no.

God intervenes when we need him and when it's beyond our control but not when we can do it our self, be it easy or hard. We need to know when to give up and when to persevere.

-Reviewing
My children are older, not necessarily wiser. Now I worry if one of my sons is turning into a replica of is father. ..a question of nature of nurture.  Awareness is not enough.
Praying and trusting in God is all have. I don't intend to live that way again.
May God have mercy.