Christmas ... a time to start anew

It's a time to start over. I have been thinking a lot about it.

Old habits die hard, just like old fears are difficult to dissipate.

I can't consider the worries of the kids any more, they are older and they seem to make their own decisions and comments about how they perceive their father and me, the things being said (insinuations), It will be his game and I need to stop playing it and stop  ''çaring ' on a certain level or I shall never move on.

I have always used a method to get through the stressful periods of life where I had no control and that is to assume an extreme (negative) scenario and accept that and my solution to it.

Have faith always.

It's not as bad as it sounds, I'm just dealing.

Merry Christmas all.

Tumultuous

These few weeks have been rather tumultuous. That's a good word to describe what's been going on in the family, among ourselves.

It seems my ex, the kids' father is somehow still standing in our midst and creating TROUBLE.

On the alternate weekends when they are with him, I get that he has not moved on and still curses me and complains and so on. The comments I hear from the kids when they are home with me tell me as much.

I'm trying to leave it (him, pain) behind and not talk about it nor do I wish to dredge up bad memories to remind the kids. But then I think, are they forgetting everything they've been through. Isn't that good ?

Let it be, let him do his best to prejudice the kids against me, let him weave his stories. I am tired of this.

4 years on and blogging

I have three blogs, did I ever mention that? They are all different personal journeys(not in the schizo sense :) ) but I can't combine them.
I'll say one thing though, it helps much to pen down thoughts when they are in chaos.

The first one I started was a journal of our pain, it was a record of the abuse. I used it to help myself draw a picture of the pattern of abuse because that seemed to be the only way to make someone understand and see what was not right. It's not been touched for a while now. That's a good thing.

When I started reading blogs it was in the hope of finding help and what can I do?. T here was nothing much locally, lots from overseas. It helped to know my problem was not unique and not totally hopeless.

This one here is my second blog, started a few months after the first, it was more for my personal feelings (in poetry sometimes) and thoughts of those trying times when I had to find my Courage and create some heaven now (July 09).  We lived with a Volcano, and there was much Inner Struggle (Aug 09) and the Frustration with Family services.in a tiny nutshell.

But there were moments of light and moments to sing (Sep 09). I worried but Believe me when I say I had divine help with timing, connecting and arrangements that just fell into place during the transition. Things beyond my control were taken care for me.

As I read back, I think - thank God it is over but thank God also for the blessings of miracles that accompanied the period of upheaval.

This blog is now more  about what goes on deep within - my head and my heart, many thoughts and feelings which I cannot openly share.

My third blog, is the me that I can share with the world as me but more as someone's daughter, sister,  friend or mother and Godma. It's the me that does not talk about the shadows and the past but the life I have moving forward. That blog identifies me.  If you do connect the two, don't give me away please (email me).

Only a handful know my inner story in Blog 2. Fewer still know my inner struggles in Blog 1.. but I hope somewhere I have helped someone who may have been in the same deep dark hole as I had been.

A question of fairness

Is it normal to constantly think in terms of balance of problems ?  I know that others do not have perfect lives but some just seem to have less troubles than I do. Then I think that's unfair. Why me ?

My life has improved much, and it is ridiculous to expect it to be perfect BUT from time to time (when I am tried) I wallow, I compare myself, my life with that of others and I always feel like I have more to weather than others.

I think in terms of no kids vs 3 kids vs 1 kid vs parents with smart kids vs kids who have to work so hard vs the busy parent vs SAHM vs the single (happy go lucky), the well traveled vs luck vs luckless..  etc etc etc..


There' s a saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but why do we have to have more than others at all. Isn't some enough ? Why do some seem to have none at all ?

I read somewhere too, that we experience problems because God wants to see or test our reactions to it rather than the solution of it.  So does it add to our credit line somewhere or reduce our debt on some conscience balance sheet for a place in heaven ?
It seems that we all don't begin with the same starting balance.

The mulling lasts a little while and then I thank God because there is more goodness to be grateful for than what went before. We all have different strengths to handle life differently, I suppose that is why.

There's a reason for all things that happen to us, I believe that strongly and yet ..........





 

Teenage angst

How long does this phase last ?  The rule books are out on this.

My youngest is entering the teen phase soon, although I think he's there already...

My oldest is out of the teen zone but still very much in the phase of hormones... or it could a girl thing.

I honestly cannot recall going through this phase with that much upheaval where my parents were concerned. I think it was within me, betweee me and myself and among school mates mostly but it wasn't too rocky a period, quite uneventful I think... or did I have it too much under control. Hmmm ???

The good thing is, they are talking to me; I won't always call it a conversation all the time, it could be one way (either way) too.

They get angry, so do I (I am allowed aren't I...I think the rule books says so ) but I keep it going when they think it's the end of the world, like there was no explosion,  and sometimes I behave like there was no battle and they can be baffled by this but I think they are getting used to the idea.  There are moments when they weigh it by, that the battle between us was stronger just by the length of my silence.

I will survive !


                                 

Self pity

Self pity...it's easy to fall into this hole,

they are fairly common along the road

we walk every day.

It comes from holding on to the past.

Let go.

Unfortunately those around us 

don't always let us forget

and moments, words in exchange

force us to remember bitter thoughts.

and then we fall.

Perfect Family

Is there a perfect family anywhere ?. My opinion. I don't think so.

Does it matter ?  Ultimately it's what we decide to do, how we choose to judge or react to each person and we live with that choice to either love, hate or maintain relationships for family sake.
I suppose this is the cycle of life, the drama of life and so on BUT Life goes on.

I wrote about My Mother sometime ago.  Recently I have been dredging up old memories, which I know I should just drop. My mother has been acting out (literally acting petulant) because of grief and loss and getting me worked up.

A close relative passed away and bad family history (little dramas and sagas) gets dug up. Grief performs some amazing tricks with the mind.

How does a younger person offer advise to an elderly on forgiveness and letting go and moving forward ?

Not that I ever believed I had a perfect family, history and all, I just never heard much about it. At the same time I am hearing about lots of new historical drama that has passed within my own and the different extended families. Arranged marriages that were forced to work and typical IN-LAW horror stories (not a myth !!)... this is the gist of history of my past generation.

My history ( if it be told by my children) ironically while imperfect too is made up of none of these.