A new Christmas feeling...

The chaos within me has abated,  I am adapting and learning to deal with the conflicts and the anxiety of having my children's time monopolized and manipulated by my ex.  The kids are old enough, they make their own choices.  The final decisions will not be made for another month and a half and I am abiding my time.. I have stopped being and feeling defensive to my ex's whining (through his lawyer). The main  thing I focus on is what is in the child's interest. I'll do what I need to do then, if it's not.

Now and then, the anger leaks in and I have a momentary lapse of wanting to lash out but it's under control. I've put him and his shenanigans out of my mind. After this year, I have come to realise I depend on him for nothing that is necessary.

Patience, humility, tolerance .. these run top of  mind and that seems to help alot but forgiveness, that's not possible yet. I trust that truth will win out.

This Christmas is a new beginning for me. More than ever, I appreciate the family I have and the love that we share and I am grateful to God for his many blessings and lessons.

I wish all bloggers and readers a beautiful Christmas peace and a good New Year ahead.

A Self reflection; learning to live honestly

The last quarter always sees more family occasions. I realize recently that my attitude to attending events that bring me in closer contact with relatives has changed and for the better – I'm less apprehensive and less calculating in my thoughts of what might be asked and how I might respond where my ex is concerned.

They must have noticed his absence from social functions for many years now. Not strange then, they have stopped asking me about it or him. 

I feel more open in my thoughts, there is less or hardly that sense of being imperfect or defensiveness  that I used to ‘arm ‘ myself with when going to these family affairs.

I suppose it would be called coming to terms with what has always been and what it will be and what it actually is today.

I want to be the person in charge of me again.

Who am I or was I trying to satisfy, why pretend?

Society is not perfect and as I sat in the living room of my brother's in-laws and the families a couple of weeks ago, I thought, everyone has issues,  I don't judge them, why should they judge me.

Why do we love ourselves less and not see our weakness as our humanness that is forgivable by God and yet not by ourselves? Do we set higher standards for being who we should be?

Waiting for Joy

It's been an exhausting few weeks, mentally more than anything.
I can't wait for everything to be over and to have my X out of my face. It will be soon,  looking forward to the joy of living.  The children are impatient too but I think they are handling it better than I am. In fact they play the 'game' quite well.  They seem almost stoic about  their father's behaviour, which is escalating in terms of the show of power and aggression. They do not want me confronting him. I have to wait it out.
He thinks he's winning, well he can have his illusion.

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My latest diversion is reading Eric Fromm, it's seriously tough text to follow but here and there there is light on particular subjects of interest. Here's something I want to remember particularly from his discussion....I keep trying to imagine how and what it would be/feel like in this ultimate situation of true Joy.

Eric Fromm writes about the difference between joy and pleasure and that what God wants for us is Joy as a virtue of living in the mode of being. Pleasure is transient, momentary and a product of possessions and the need to have.

Master Eckhart's thinking interprets it such.."When God laughs at the soul and the soul laughs back at God, the persons of the Trinity are begotten..
...when the Father laughs to the son and the son laughs back to the Father, that laughter gives pleasure, that pleasure gives joy, that joy gives love and love gives the persons [of the Trinity] of which the Holy Spirit is one. .................
Joy, then, is what we experience in the process of growing nearer to the goal of becoming oneself"

Why did I not get out?

I was waiting for a miracle. I prayed for help, a way. I suppose in the deepest deepest part of my mind I had this everlasting hope.

choppy waters, rocks aplenty...

But my prayers were not to be answered so easily or too soon. The abuse, the narcissistic behaviour began a long time ago and I suppose another reason for hanging on was the hope that he would mature and change.

But that was not to be even as I carried my first child. I was treated no better or differently. But still I hung on. I am Catholic and as much as I think myself a grade B- quality type of Catholic, deep down my faith mattered , my vows mattered, the sacrament mattered. It would not be right for the kids. So I held on. Was it cowardly?

Imagine having to hold your breathe on your partner's reactions/response to soup that comes out of a familiar can; because that taste too is your responsibility. 90% of the time, nothing is good enough or well done or right ..
I didn't make it worse, I took on the meek role and stayed in the silence which grew longer and longer each time, but I couldn't make it better. Maybe if I kept the peace long enough, he would see?

After the third child, he didn't change for the better, he got more arrogant and his self-esteem did not improve with respect to me, more tyrannical, using the silent treatment permanently on me as his means for punishment and his physical temper emerged more and more frequently.  Sometimes I think he has a brain disease. And still I did not think of getting out. I prayed for wisdom too.

I got the courage to take out the protection order, not for myself but for the kids. When I think back I can't recall what pushed me to take those steps, did I plan did I think it through.... 
Hoping again that he would see (reality) what he had to do (a chance to try to hold this family together) and consequently would shake him and make him realize he needed help and advise for his behavior that was not right; that he would then attempt to salvage us all as a family unit.  But that didn't happen.  I once said that hope can be bad thing,  this is what I meant.

And so I wondered then what was the answer, I got up the courage to take ONE step, was it up to me to take the next and last resort, to break the vows, was that the way ?

But that was not.  In the end, it was he who did it. Why at this time, I can't figure?

But this seems to be that final answer to my problem and repeated prayer.

There are several thoughts that come to mind as I surmise what has passed:
I was meant to have three kids and not stop at one
There is a purpose for their being.
I was meant to take that extra journey of suffering, it made me stronger and to become a different person from the one who started out. My faith is stronger.
I have come to appreciate what normal means in most human natures - my tolerance is that much more for the range of human temperaments as nothing comes remotely close to the evil nature of my ex whom I have had to  survive with all these years.
Perhaps this is where fate is meant to take me.
This is where his guiding spirit led me.  God does not intervene until you give him permission and so he couldn't give me the miracle I asked for.

Strangely calm

Whether it's trust in God or just the belief that there is little more I can do, I realize I have been less anxious and less paranoid over the current events and situation. It's like I have decided I have to leave it in the hands of the high court and know that it will turn out for the best.  I hope it's faith.

My ex has been filling my middle child's head with lies, intimidating the youngest with his growling and sarcasm and pressing for the sale of the house through the lawyers. He is attempting to solve his own problem where the property issues are concerned by addressing half of the ancillary issue to his own benefit without a solution to my own housing issue. While he flings words such as 'putting me on notice' and the 'uncertain property market' prices etc etc there is nothing for it but to wait for the high court to settle it all that includes my issues.

He is either dense or stupid or just plain selfish if he thinks I will give in and put myself at a disadvantage just to take advantage of property prices !  I feel the storm building around him.  He rails at some poor victim over the phone from time to time, I think it's his mother (poor woman),I feels sorry for her, but I am glad he can no longer take out his frustration on me or the kids.

I think he is desperate financially, since he's been attempting to stay in the country to show the court he can work from here rather than have to stay overseas where he has been operating his business for the most part of the last few years.

I know where the kids stand, I hope it's the same place that the court stands.

Gift to Frens

May the love and warmth of friendship
fuel our being,
our hearts and mind cherish,
every moment of our living;
what all, we bring together
in our meetings, our crafts, our sharing,
in the peace of our laughter
and in the knowing of each other,
We strive
to keep our souls alive .

 - HA

Worried, I can't help it.

Can anyone really understand our situation unless they have been in one like it or faced a scheming narcissist such as my ex. I am worried about the interview with the family court counselor. Will she ask the right questions and will she interpret the answers correctly. Does she understand the context of the situation the kids have lived under for the past many years. Will she get the true picture?

The next 3 weeks are going to be heavy with anxiety.


I pray it will all work out satisfactorily.