A doggie to boost life.

.....  something happy to post about !
I got us a dog a few months ago. A spaniel, a cute little girlie looking(becos she looks like a she) dog of 4 years, with long floppy furry ears. They are supposed to be of a 'barkie' nature, but she seems to control herself.

At the onset of the drama, when we were officially divorced, I thought a dog would do several different things for us, the kids and me. We got her from the SPCA(the pound), unbelievable that someone could just give up a dog after 3 1/2 years.

A pet is a dependent and so the kids especially the boys feel a sense of responsibility and take to caring for her in their own ways. They relate differently to the dog as well.  They share certain responsibilities like taking her for her walks and ensuring she gets fed when big sister or mummy is not around.
She's drawn our hugs and attention and love just by being, and literally brought light into some of the shadow that we carry around with us.. 

For the youngest, he's her playmate as much as she is his. But doggie is a little wary of children I observed. But she is good-natured in the way she continues to let him annoy her, almost tolerant-like in the way her eyes follow him.
She's jealous and protective(from other-dog perspective) and super friendly with all humans. She's also a little beggar at the dining table, like we don't feed her enough.  Truly those big puppy dog eyes just melts your resolve.

With my middle kid, some of his maturity comes out, and his temperament is pretty much calmer around the little fella. 

The primary care giver is my oldest, she's just into animals, birds and even insects. She is her best pal, she's her silent companion. She sneaks in to sleep near her whenever she can.

Doggie's got the patience to just listen quietly and she looks at you paying real close attention. You know she'll keep your secrets. She's constantly butting against my legs, warm and sort of comforting really to just sit with her. And sometimes she can be like another mischievous kid when she gets into the mood to keep  yapping at the wind.

This little dog does wonders for us, does she know, I think she does cos she keeps begging for more treats.

Putting out fires

Sometimes I want to just shy away from the fight, to leave things be (hope for the best) and wish somebody else will fight my problems for me.  I have never been good at confrontations, perhaps a consequence of my strange marriage experience which keeps me running back to the corner now and then, (thank God it happens less frequently).

The ex  now appears to be drawing the kids' teachers into his battle plan. But not all of them, he picks the weaker child or the weaker subject and uses that to his advantage. He had gone to see a none-too favourite teacher of my youngest boy and since then, my son had been behaving antsy, in fits and starts I would hear strange statements made by this teacher through my son. And my first thought was 'no way, the  ex is not going to use a teacher to continue his bullying for him, and if this teacher is dumb enough to be influenced on heresay, then he deserves to be reported'. Then I thought about it and decided I would not jump the gun, I would go corner him and find out exactly his view of the situation, to see how his inclinations swayed.

I hate confrontations, eventhough this was not quite that, but it had to be done for my son's sake. After all, teachers have been instructed specifically to stay clear of family issues and ensure the child's well-being.
I gave him a surface 'lay of the land' and expressed my concerns as to the changes (negative) in my son's behaviour, considering that all seemed to be as well as could be in the past (same teacher for this subject) until recently (when my ex began to involve himself in the children's school and their study). The teacher went on about his methods and his wishes for the students and so on. I told him that was all good and fine until he used the word discipline. 'Discipline' is my ex's favourite excuse for his past abuse of the children. And when that word came up, I looked him in the eyes and said that sure it is important, but a child must also want to do it (persuaded to do so for the right reasons).

I did not wish to give him the full background just enough for him to understand, that the child dwells currently in a hostile environment,  that he(teacher) needed to watch where he tread, as there was a lot more than just a divorce affecting the child and I did not want my son retreating backwards dreading old experiences (before the protection order was applied).

The teacher must have gotten the idea, as he hastily seemed to assure me that he would certainly not touch on family situations but ensure the child's well-being where school matters are concerned, taking into account my concerns.

Sunday Solitude: how to do his will

Be still, and in quiet we will find the answers 

Isaiah 30 .... ¹⁵ This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
   “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength,.."  

Be patient


 ¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him!

How do I protect them?

Since my post on Scheming or Caring, it's been more than a week and I don't think it's helping, because his old habits are still in him.

My instincts tell me that my youngest is going haywire and reverting back to the way he used to feel. While my Ex cannot use threats or the cane he still ignites fear; his presence makes them tense and they seem pressured over their homework and school stuff.
They are still afraid of his reactions to anything and everything. That's an old fear, eventhough this time round, the consequences are not what they used to be before.
But still so afraid.

There can be a irrationality about him(ex), and now I see/hear less,  I don't know how he speaks to the boys(he does more of that when I'm not around or within my oldest's hearing and how it makes them feel.  Is he exercising his narcissistic authority and 'power'(not physical but mental) in other ways, and is it being directed against the youngest boy now?
My youngest is starting to withdraw again, keeping away from his friends and acting 'more hyper'.

I can't seem to reassure them enough that things will work out, and until that time comes, I can only pray that God spares their anxieties.

It's emotional abuse and an even finer line. How do I make anyone understand?

Comment on comments

Comments, are they important?.  I started writing for my own personal reasons and need to put down my journey in a blog. I left it open to share my thoughts, to expose more of me, to get feedback, .if anyone thought my posts were interesting or boring or disagreeable, abnormal or real or funny or sad etc let them say so.

While I was not counting on getting many comments, somewhere along the way (a year after) it became important. Sometime after, when I was thinking about pacing my posts, it hit me,  why was I doing that? If I'm writing for me ..  write... why pace.. because I wanted to give more readers time to comment?.

So when did my objective change?  I'm not saying it's not important, it's great to have ..( I welcome it), it's good to know people are reading, people care and what they think i.e ... if I've gone off my rocks ...or are they nodding their heads and going 'yeah me too... I'm not the only strange one then.." etc..

Most of my life I have been influenced or distracted from being me and this was part of that exercise of 'learning to be me' and so in this I should stay the course. I realize writing about my current drama is a form of catharsis too and HELPS.

Like many of you, I am busy, but I have developed a fondness for reading other blogs too and seeking out those searching for answers, those with a hard climb in life, those who are muddling thru and  those who have found their way. Recently, at the height of my anxiety, I desperately searched  and found some helpful and insightful blogs to deal with the drama in my life and I am grateful these women have sought to share. 

I think it is good to leave comments where you have something to say or add and certainly very kind if it is to show you are listening. Otherwise why does one do an open blog . There must be a reason for wanting others to be able to come in contact with you, either to build an awareness or just reach out for a constant reminder that we are not alone. Cry along with me or laugh with me, comments are important to how we see ourselves, it supports our thoughts and even actions.

When my current problems get overwhelming, it helps to hear readers and read post that are encouraging.
I am grateful for those who share their experience so that I may learn.

It's a good place to rant and just being heard can be enough.

Scheming or caring?

Trying to ignore the rocks, but...

No way I'm not competing, but I think he(X) is trying to.

The ex has recently moved into my 'space' as in sitting down at the work table to involve himself in the boys homework of the day.
It's something he has never done before.

I told myself he can have at it. He does have some intelligence after all, let him exercise it and other skills.
The task for him would be to control his temper and reign in his patience. He cannot use his previous 'disciplinary' methods and must control his verbal abuse.
The long-wearing lectures are there, my sons are weary, naturally expected. It's upto him to show them if he is sincere and his intent on mending his way.

Old fears die hard, and the boys were tense, but it worked out for that day.  I can't help but be anxious. At the same time I'm looking at it as objectively as I can, .........

Fear of the unknown still lurks, unfortunately I am not be able to feel even 70% peace because I don't trust him and he has definitely earned that distrust and I'm pretty certain, he's still scheming while he can.

My youngest still fears his father's potential actions eventhough it's 'safe'.
Recently when his father began going through his school bag, he tells me he felt faint (like he was going to pass out).  I understood what happened (what memories ran through his very young mind) and here I thought he had overcome the worst of it.  My ex doesn't get how he has put 'fear' in their minds.

Tension is present as long as he(X) is around.  My boulder is being cut away, but it's still there.

When will it end....
.....until I need no longer see his(X) face.The clock is ticking but not fast enough....
Will he move on?

In my head, I think, a snake will always be a snake no matter how many times it sheds... we'll see.