Do Today

If I could be born again, I'd be a bee.

I get to flit between all types of flowers with glee.
What hues and fragrances would colour my view,
I'm assuming, they enjoy it they way we do.


But life's not like that, so we constantly sneer.
A bees' life is so mundane, I hear.
Work so hard, carry the nectar, so keen,
but who gets the credit, but the Queen.


We strive for things and mourn.
never satisfied, for tomorrow we dream,
while time and tide moves on.
Today was the tomorrow, so it seems
Tomorrow will be today, yesterday is no more.
Make today count, and tomorrow will show
the life you want it to be.


(HA - 2009)

Sunday Solitude

If I could chart my moods according to my posts, it would probably read like a roller coaster.
My fears are mostly centred around my kids, for my kids, that life will get better.
My thoughts wander between the mother and the person that I am,
struggling to keep the light on instead of veering into darkness.
Dear God, I wait for you to show me if this is the course to take, a sign.
It's like we have started down a different road but where and when does it end?
Speak louder please, in case I should  miss hearing you, for there's too much noise around me.
Tug my hand harder, for there's so much distraction within.
Help me keep faith, and a clear head, help us find peace, pray for us dear Mother.
St Jude please continue to carry our words and hope Angels always keep near.

Discipline or abuse - frustration with the System

The issue of child/parental discipline appears to be very controversial.

There is no right and no wrong.

The 'Help' System in place does not provide a solution to grey areas - it results at best in vague support and an uncertain outcome.

Clearly Wrong = physical evidence or scars.

Right - nobody knows.

Everything else in between, harassment, mental anguish, verbal abuse, threats, instilling terror ...... is grey and subject to interpretation. The concern is if the children are in mortal danger AND as long as it is no, it becomes grey.

Inspite of the information documented that shows a picture of ongoing child abuse/violence, unless you are a judge or lawyer, counselors are apparently not tasked to affirm anything. They may know it but it is your decision. If you went their seeking affirmation and support to do something to help your children, don't hope to get it if it's more grey than black.

In the end it is you yourself who must press on with it (support from family/friends aware of the situation helps alot) . Each counselor at each stage pushes you on but will not affirm that there is unnatural behaviour. In the final stage another counselor who does not have all the facts cites it's 50:50 suggests an amicable situation to ironically spare the children. And so we are back to square one, where you hope for change but now you have the system helping you push the abuser to do something to help himself.

The good thing about putting yourself through this, is that at the end of this you are much stronger and less afraid.

In a family context, I say it's simple, the line should be be clearly defined and drawn by how the child feels toward the person delivering discipline. Is it fear or terror? Parent or mob leader. Definition should be determined by the consequence of the relationship between the two - child and parent.

Therein lies the problem. What this means is that the child has to be involved in the process for it to be proven. The system discourages it, of course so would any parent. But what is the end result - a hope stage that the abusive party will undergo counseling and change.

So if there is no change on the part of the abuser, the next step will involve the children won't it? Hindsight is now experience. There is no point going through the 'vague' system. Get a mouthpiece (lawyer) who will go through all the facts and interpret it as it should have been in the first place.

Woman

Who are we with such privilege
to be made of petals and emotions.
We shade our selves and image
with colours and warm notions.
We ponder
on pale hues to gaudy design,
from head to toe, to paint and flower,
our desire to shine.
We don't need flowers, but we yearn for them.
Fantasize, yet always in realism.

Love our garments, silks, lace, in a closet too small.
Which do we match, mirror mirror on the wall,
I don't have anything to wear, I declare.
Which to choose, the blue or red I toss,
which accessories and cosmetic, the pinks to browns to gloss.
Frame the eyes with mascara and liner, to shadow smoke or natural?
Our crowning glory be neat or wild, to straighten or to curl?
Finally to match our selves from head to toes,
sandals, pumps, or wobble on stilettos,
we'll bear some pain for fashion;
add that handbag full of secrets we cannot mention.

What myriad choices, entitled and bestowed.
There is beauty within, such affection and powers.
With a gift we are endowed
that choice to birth, it is ours.
This is our station, joy and pain,
the choice of birth is not ours.
We are sunshine, we are rain.

To be love and loved,
to bear our children,
to colour the earth,
to be a woman.

(HA - 2009)

Routines - Living in auto mode

I had (recently) already done my regular supermarketing for the week. On my way home today (a Wednesday) I accompanied my colleague (just for company sake) for a quick stop by the supermarket.

What is it about groceries and me. Is it a home thing or a mom thing? While walking around, I also picked up stuff(sweet corn, yogurt, soup mix) which seemed like good ideas at the time.

When I got home and looked at them, I realised they weren't necessary at all .

It's like my mind auto-detoured into the home zone, the moment I entered the supermarket.

Now that I think about it, there are many things I do in auto mode in the home.

Looks like it's time to break out of routines and fire up a different set of neurons.

This brings to mind an interesting comment made by Thomas Scheff, a Sociology Professor 'Not that all routines are bad. We need routines to live, else we would drown in details. But the question arises, who is master, me or routine?'.

Conscience

Cynical Moments

I constantly advise my kids to be the 'bigger person'. Is this good advice?
It's a war between the 'should' and the 'should not'... keep it under control or get mad don't keep it in; be diplomatic or be honest; give in or get satisfaction. It could mean we lose in the end.

There are times I can't apply the same, when I don't want to be objective, when I don't want to play fair, when I don't want to stay calm.

Letting ones' conscience over-rule you takes something out of one. Is having too much of a conscience a good thing? Is being right and doing right, one and the same or different?

Sometimes I think that conscience makes me weak.

Inner Thoughts: We Don't but We Do

We Don't but we Do
Jodi Picoult wrote this in her book the Tenth circle
'Vengeance was a funny thing, You wanted satisfaction of knowing it had occurred but you never wanted to actually hear the word out loud, because then you'd have to admit to yourself that you'd wanted proof, and that somehow made you baser, less civilized.'
I think this is so true.


From a Distance by Bette Midler (another of my favourites).