Remaking my daily routine.

I worked for years and years until I decided(after some math)  I could take a break in Oct last year. I decided I was going to find my feet again and learn to breathe slowly, learn to breathe while I ate and just catch up on sleep(if I could sleep). It was a risk but health was a priority I had to consider. And it was time taking into account the many things that had happened already in the job. I had to step off that roller coaster after procrastinating on it for almost 7 months, all the excuses were about other people on my team and the company I worked many years for.

The job had taken over my life and I could not stop enough to live and catch up with me and looking after me.

I delayed health checkups, appointment were put off or were not a priority, my parent's appointments were a priority, vacation breaks were not really breaks with the job still on my mind - a "mobile"call away.  I could not put it away because of conditions of the job. The team was always lacking, we were always short, I was always filling the gaps and worrying over issues which I now realize were problems I was trying to ducktape while management took their time to fix. 

But well it seems life does not always go as planned. Covid19 happened. 

I managed to continue with plans made much earlier to go on holiday to the UK before the virus caught up there and then it was time to cut short that holiday and return home.

Learning about myself (remaking) took about 3 months. I have managed to drop some old habits but I am still constantly trying to fill my time with activity. Learning to sit and breathe or sit still is not easy.

I was able to spend alot more time with my folks and not worry about deadlines whenever, wherever.   Strangely being at home I felt I had to cook and clean. So I stopped forcing that schedule and gave myself time out. Started some card crafting again but that took a while to take off.

 

I started to put myself into a "should"situation again where I tied myself to doing things that filled my time rather than things I wanted to do. So I decided - cook when I decided to and clean when I wanted and leave time to do other things that made me relax and happy. This helped me to slow down. to think. reflect and take deeper breaths.

Perfect Existence

What is the perfect life, 

the 'ever after' of a fairy tale? 

No pain, no strife, 

no sweat, no ail. 

What to do with all that happiness, 

but to seek more not less, 

adventure in the silly 

to weather reality.
Are we ever satisfied? 

With eyes opened, look outside. 

So much need, venture into the reality. 

Poverty and loneliness, it's rampant. 

Reach out, step up, you will see.

Plant a seed, make something happen. 

Dwell not that life can be better, 

but that our existence will matter.

(HA - 2009)

Growing old in silence....

Grow old gracefully? How do we do that if it's not within our control?

Depression takes a few forms, I'm seeing it in those around me.
Is it a mental condition or is it about self-awareness ? Seems like getting stuck in a history cycle that plays only the negative memories and pulls one into a pessimistic stupor. Why can't one get stuck in a happy cycle, a positive one.. that doesn't pull everyone down with them.

There are times when I feel I might be depressed, only it seems like a pity party to me.
Loneliness ... no.
Being alone , I think that 's more like, what it's about.

Your friends are not always there for you, kids have their own lives. Timing may not be so convenient.

It's more about not having a companion to do nothing with and to share the silence with you. Someone to rouse you out of your lethargy and make you walk and talk.
Sometimes, I think that's what it is.